(ThyBlackMan.com) In a country where so many men of color are absent from the home, it is past time to look at how that can and must change “yesterday”. In a country where socio-economic systems and services covertly reward the woman of color when the man is “AWOL”, it’s time to expose that too. In a country where the justice system is slanted towards mass incarceration of the black man, it’s time for things to change. In a country where divorce attorneys make a living, not only from divorces and broken homes, but also by the conflict that ensues in the process, it’s past time for men of color to wake up, step up and speak up about the order and restoration of the black family. In a country where feminism intimidates judges, throws equal protection under the law under the bus in favor of women and brainwashes our women to believe men are unnecessary, it’s time to hear the painful truth. And in a country where hijacked rainbows point to LGBTQ while producing confusion and further disintegrating the family structure that has proven to work since the world began, it’s time to tackle and fix the problem.
While I use the term “black man”, I do so because there are likely far more broken homes in the black community than in the African American community. The two are often not the same academically, sociologically, intellectually, economically nor by world perception, but that is a discussion for another time and I have written other articles on that very issue. Still, in the black community, the order of the home and family are in turmoil. Chaos that fills up the courts, the child support offices and the jails or prisons. Depression amongst young black males and females has become the unspoken of norm. And why does this happen so much? Because the house or home where the black family dwells is out of order. A house divided against itself cannot stand. How can two walk together unless they agree? And except the Lord build a house (as the glue), those who build it labor in vain. But it does not have to be this way anymore.
So now that I have set the stage, let’s go deeper. This article is about the black man (and/or African American man) in his place as the head of the household. A position, when abided in properly, can restore the family. You see, clearly defined roles produce the solid structure of the family. Not the foundation, but the structure that is built upon the foundation. Families make up communities (or villages). And effective communities build a successful, confident, unified people. Unfortunately your enemy, your adversary, your oppressor also knows this too. And that is why all types of wars have been declared against the black family, from slavery to now, from oppressor to coon, from CointelPro black people to feminists, from Eugenics promoters targeting your extinction to abortionists who will go into the womb to prevent more of you from coming.
MEN AND WOMEN ARE EQUAL BUT HAVE DIFFERENT ROLES
Understand this right now. A woman cannot be a father to a son. She cannot produce a man because she cannot take a boy where she has never been. And while there are many women who do the best they can as awesome moms, they are neither constructed physiologically nor biochemically nor biologically nor psychologically to produce a real man. A woman (or mom rather) is neither first, second nor third in the hierarchy to define the man. Why not? Because the man is first defined first by his Creator, second by the family that raises him, third by real men, then fouth by his honest self-assessment to measure up to standards set by all of the above. A woman defining a man would then come in somewhere around fifth. So while my hat is off to all the single moms who did and do phenomenal jobs in raising their sons, understand that will never complete those sons because fathers play a unique role that cannot be replaced by a woman. To be fair, nor can a father take the place of a child’s mother. The plan was for both, not both in competition nor one without the other nor Adam and Steve nor Eve and Laquisha. Therein, at least in part, is why we must restore the family. And the first step in that process of restoration is to get the man back in order, in his rightful place.
For the women who say they “don’t need a man”, they are delusional and lack understanding of roles and purpose. For the mothers who say their children don’t need a father, they are delusional and uninformed. And yes, I have the research and the proof of the outcomes when fathers are absent. But I am not posting it here because I am not going to do all your homework for you. While we’re at it, here is a little taste of that proof. Statistics show devastating outcomes when the father is not in the home, both in the sons and the daughters. In all cases? No. But in far too many cases? Yes. Furthermore, the biochemical reaction of the children to their father increases their dopamine levels (the motivator chemical neurotransmitter) just by the biological father being around them. Just as the serotonin levels (the nurture chemical) of children rise when they are around the mother. What does that tell us?
This tells us that men and women serve different functions in the life of their children, even on both a core biochemical and neurological level. When dopamine levels are low in a child, the children are moody and fatigued, less motivated and off balance. That dopamine is critical in determining what is good and bad. And in making key decisions the right or wrong way. But this is not an article on biochemistry and neurology meets parenting, so I will save the rest of that technical stuff for another day. Moving on.
Now that we have established the “black” man is to take his rightful place as the head of his household, let’s talk about what it means to be that head. First of all, this man needs to understand that he is the leader, not the ruler. Real leaders are fair and balanced, or at least make the diligent effort to be. Real leaders set the example by walking the walk of respect, forgiveness, compassion, communication, integrity and the other traits they expect from their wives and children. Second of all, the responsibility of the head as a leader is to lead his household out of conflict, out of danger and into solutions that create a win for all those involved, not just himself. The head of the house is held to a higher standard because he is the head. And in the household, the buck stops with him. Thus much is given, much is required.
Now for some of you men reading this article, you are attached to or married to a woman who does not understand the role and importance you play as the head of household. For many of you, she will try to define your role. And you need to know that she can’t do that. For many of you, the woman may have come from a home without a father or a home with an abusive father. In either case, she may resist your efforts to take your place as head of your household because she fears what you will do with that authority. And fear breeds distrust. She may therefore call your role outdated, chauvinistic, controlling and every other name she can think to use to justify her resistance to your God-given authority. But you stand firm.
Here is a suggestion that will help many of you. Carry yourself in a way that she will trust you because she will know that you have her best interest and the best interest of the relationship as two of your top priorities. And while this will not help you if you are with a trifling, baggage-filled, defiant, bitter, controlling, angry and/or manipulative woman, this suggestion will help many of you who have a good woman.
So what happens if you refuse to step into your role? When a woman rules a man, has her way all the time, controls the relationship by usurping your authority and gets away with all of the above, she make like it but she considers you weak. When she considers you weak, she has no respect for you. And when a woman has no respect for you, the woman will mistreat you again and again on a scale of increasing chaos. That is a fact. If you allow that to happen, you will teach your sons to do the same, and the cycle of broken households out of order will continue. Likewise, when a woman truly respects you, she will follow your lead. So make sure you are leading in the right direction. Sometimes that means you will need to lead her to the table of compromise and you must be the bigger person in the process. Remember, much is given, much is required. And when you have the support of a good woman, ideally the best decisions are often made together. But the final decision is yours, along with the consequences of it.
A man should definitely provide for his family. However you and your FEMALE companion need to understand that your authority as head of the household is not based on how much money you make, whether or not you work nor whether you make more than your wife or not. Your authority is part of the order of things because your Creator said so. Thus if you are failing to do what you should do, you are a poor head, but nevertheless still the head.
Never try to buy her loyalty with material things. If you do, that implies that you are not enough so you have to add things to make up the difference. The material things approach can thus send a signal that you lack confidence in who you are. And if you lack confidence in you, guess who may follow suit? Also never expect her to just hand you her loyalty without some proof of what you will do with it, where you will take things and if you are capable of leading her. You may have to prove yourself over and over and over again by making wise, fair and consistent good choices. And even then, depending on what she went through before being with you, she made need to see several positive outcomes. But don’t think of it as “bringing your A game because this is not a game and the order of your household is nothing to play with.
Set boundaries in your relationship and ask her to take part in the process. That means the lines of expectation regarding what is acceptable or unacceptable must be crystal clear to both of you. So you should do this immediately. And if you are just finding this out after years with her, there is no time like the present to set things right. Remember, one big mistake made by both men and women is when they give each other a mental list of “how you have to treat me” demands instead of generating that list together. A protective mechanism to keep from getting hurt or taken advantage of, but unfortunately a protective mechanism that causes the relationship to lack balance. So make sure to avoid double standards because double standards can easily breed hypocrisy, contempt and feelings of being used. In turn, those poisons give the woman reason not to trust you as the head and justifications in her mind to challenge you and rebel.
As the head of the household, you may have to explain your decisions, especially if you are deciding for the entire household without her vote. And especially if your female companion has been emotionally (or physically) wounded by other men. My suggestion on that? Get her involved in the decision-making process, whether you need her in on it or not. Ask her opinion. Listen to her. Personally speaking, from the beginning of my relationship with my wife, I told her I would always listen to her, whether I agreed or not. I do listen. I promised I would ask for her opinion and in fact count on her sharing it. I do that too and the more I do that, the easier it gets. My wife is worth it a million times over.
I knew (and you must know) that
(a) two heads are better than one,
(b) she may realize something I may have missed,
(c) she may know something I don’t
and
(d) her perspective is sometimes uniquely different from mine for a reason. That brings to mind a quote I read. It says “if two people agree all the time, one is unnecessary”. My point? Diversity of opinions can bring unique insight, the very element that is often needed to find the best route to go in more situations than you know. And when you plant the seed of listening to her, it helps to reap the harvest of her listening to you.
Do not be afraid of disagreement and do not keep quiet to avoid it. Communicate with her, not with others before her. Keep others out of your relationship and she must do the same. As for disagreement, the key is in knowing how to disagree respectfully and still find a solution to a problem. Disagreement is not automatically a bad thing because disagreement does not have to end up in an argument. Sadly it often does because many of our people do not know how to peacefully disagree. They have not been taught to do that. Therefore they see disagreement as conflict and conflict as destined for “knock down drag out” arguments. But it does not have to be that way and you as the head of your household are responsible for walking that out by example.
As the head of the household, you must lead her (and yourself) to a point of peaceful, fair resolution when problems and disagreements arise and prevent disagreement from becoming conflict. This is a task because so many black people get offended far too easily and far too often. So I suggest you focus on what’s best, not whose right. In the end, by the authority of God, the final decision is yours. But if you are a wise head of household, you will find a way for the two of you to make the decision together. That is being a leader.
Forget the “let’s agree to disagree” approach. Don’t use it. And if she does, try to move both of you away from that. Why? Because while it sounds fair, all it really does is allow two people to stay apart in opposite corners on their thinking instead of finding real solutions that bring them together and solve the problem fairly. Agreeing to disagree does not solve problems. Also, don’t forget that some situations require immediate decisions and action. In those cases the “agree to disagree” approach will certainly fail.
There is so much more that I need to share with you as you abide in your role as head of your household. And clearly all these things apply to married couples as well as families with children, not those of you playing house. Why? Because the authority of the man as head of household comes by the authority of God for those doing it His way. Still, what I recommend will work in many (not all) cases where serious relationships exists. So stayed tuned for more next time. But until then, be the man you were called to be. Be the head of your household you were created to be. Be the leader you are empowered to be.
Staff Writer; Trevo Craw
A Free Thinker, who loves to talk about Politics, etc. Also, all about uplifting the Black Community even if it doesn’t fit your mindset. One may hit me up at; TrevoCraw@ThyBlackMan.com.