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Is There Hope For Abusive Men? The Case of Joe Budden.

August 25, 2014 by  
Filed under News, Opinion, Relationships, Weekly Columns

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( It’s impossible to deny the rise of domestic abuse within the black community. Most of us have either been in love with an abusive partner, went through the storm with a loved one or been the abuser. The conversation is always the same! You need to leave him, he doesn’t deserve you, he’s going to kill you, you don’t have to live that way. Do you have low self-esteem? Is that the only man you think you can get? After years of being face to face with domestic abuse in our personal lives as well as in the media with the recent Joe Budden accusations and of course Chris Brown who just recently stopped having to apologize for his actions, one would think we’d have a course of action in place.

Why is ‘call the police’ or leave him the best advice we’re able to give in 2014? Now I’m not dismissing the need to seek help or leave immediately, but the fact is: No one spends a lifetime in prison for domestic abuse! What are we doing as a community to stop abusive men? Do we feel there is hope for men who beat on women?

I’ve heard that men who put their hands on women are weak, they’re animals. So how do we describe the man who spends his time “talking” about the problem yet offering no solution to his abusive brothers? So many men are lining up to teach women how to think like a man, get a man and keep a man but few showing up to teach their brothers how to behave and respond like a man.Stop-Domestic-Violence-Logo-2014

Is domestic abuse a man’s outcry for help? And if so, how can we begin to heal the abuser?

Listen To The Excuses. Listening itself is a task for most! We spend majority of the conversation speaking or thinking of what we’re going to say next. When we avail ourselves to listen to the excuses (the reasons) put forth by an abuser, we are then able to find a realistic solution to the problem. In listening we’re able to identify if its an anger issue, one rooted in being abused or living in an abusive home as a child or if its how a person responds when they’re not able to express themselves emotionally.

Listening doesn’t validate abuse! It merely opens the door to effective healing. The first step to change is finding the problem! The problem isn’t the abuse, the abuse is an effect. The problem is the cause, the trigger that sparked the abuse to begin with.

Creating A Nonjudgmental Space. This means releasing the need to point fingers or create the infamous “holier than thou” atmosphere that’s oh so rampant within our community. Creating a nonjudgmental space opens the door for more honest, heartfelt and life altering dialogues. These spaces promote trust, compassion and respect. It encourages one to return, to continue on the path to healing. Nonjudgmental spaces states “I love you where you are and I will support you as you change”, it releases feelings of unworthiness and division.

Allow Men To Be Emotional. I must say both men and women have some work to do in this arena! Women have jokes about men who are sensitive to their needs and feelings. Some mothers won’t even console their sons when they fall off their bikes! I’ve heard too many women telling their sons “get up, big boys don’t cry”. Thats right! Big boys don’t cry, they ‘hit’ because they haven’t learned to use their words, they haven’t learned to express their feelings. The age old saying still holds true “hurt people, hurt people”. Until we allow men to express what is causing them pain, until we start asking ‘where does it hurt?’. We will continue to see the effects of physical abuse running rampant within our communities.

Reflect On Your Abusive Tendencies. To effectively offer healing to others we all must reflect on our abusive tendencies. Okay, you’ve never laid hands on your partner! That’s beautiful, but are you emotionally abusive? Do you withhold your love, support and affection when they upset you? Are you mentally abusive? What triggers you to let a person know just how ignorant and stupid they really are? Are you spiritually abusive? What prompts you to tell a person they are unworthy of receiving guidance or forgiveness? How do you discipline your children? Many of us take spankings to an extreme that teaches children early that people only respond to pain.

Helping a woman leave an abusive relationship is a beautiful process to be involved in. Being able to help a woman regain her power so that she can move forward is beneficial work and needed now more than ever. Yet imagine the strides we’d as a community if we involved ourselves in the process of shifting abusive men into supportive, loving and compassionate men. Imagine if we healed those who cause pain by helping them overcome that which is hurting them within. Imagine a community where our men were again viewed as protectors, rather than someone women must be protected from. We all have a responsibility! We all play a vital role in rehabilitating our men who are in pain.

My prayers go out to those who are living in abusive relationships, those who result to violence in relations and those who have lost loved ones to abuse.


Staff Writer; Dina Deon
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Also connect via Twitter; ClubMagickENT and Facebook; ClubMagick.





12 Responses to “Is There Hope For Abusive Men? The Case of Joe Budden.”
  1. toomanygrandkids says:

    On 8-27 @ 5:44 pm, you said, “You don’t have to share stories with me.”

    You also said, “You don’t have to be defensive…” Giving my opinions/solutions isn’t being defensive at all.

  2. Dina Deon says:

    Never once said you didn’t have the right to share, there are hundreds, if not thousands of websites and forums where victims share their “personal” stories as well as books & magazines devoted to the same. Since the purpose of my article was from a proactive stance, I kindly ‘asked’ you to share a few solutions to ending the cycle of abuse. No need to be defensive, carry on with sharing your articles and thank you 🙂

  3. toomanygrandkids says:

    Just thought of another one:

    12.) Put your insecurities in check.

  4. toomanygrandkids says:

    1.) Abusers must cease from using excuses like what happened, what they witnessed as a child or teenager for abusive behavior/actions.

    2.) Stop drugging and drinking in excess.

    3.) Stop listening to so-called “men” who tell you that its alright to hit a woman. Or stop teaching young males that is alright to hit women. Stop hitting women in front of children.

    4.) Go to counseling. It shouldn’t be considered “taboo” to seek professional help.

    5. Admit you have a problem. Admit to yourself that abusing others is wrong. ACTUALLY, THIS SHOULD BE NUMBER ONE!

    6.) Control your temper. Don’t allow something mediocre send you into a rage.

    7.) Stop allowing your imagination get the best of you.

    8.) Stop being jealous as if its hobby.

    9.) Cease from disrespecting women and others.

    10.) REALLY, REALLY THINK AND KNOW that you’re bringing misery and sufferage upon the one(s) being abused.

    Grow out of being abusive.

    This is all I can think of for now. BTW, I have the right to share as many stories as I please. Since so many cases are hidden and go unreported, maybe, just maybe, sharing other abusive situations and solutions may help someone.

  5. Dina Deon says:

    Just got off the phone doing a 18 minute survey for Georgia’s upcoming election, the topics: senior care and domestic abuse. Look at my state getting in front of this thing…. YES Georgia!!! Proactive. I just had to share 🙂

  6. Dina Deon says:

    You don’t have to share stories with me, I’ve been dealing with victims & abusers from childhood and still til this day. I’m the embodiment of countless stories beloved. Domestic violence isn’t something most of us have to “read” about, we see it in our day to day reality with family, friends, coworkers, neighbors, etc. I see that you are extremely passionate about the topic, you’ve given many examples of the effects of abuse… beautiful! The purpose of my article was to present solutions for those who desire to see change, those who are ready to roll their sleeves up and put some work in. We don’t have men, women nor youth to spare. My question to you is what solutions do you have to put forth in the fight to end domestic abuse? Share with us a few warning signs that women should look out for. This article is about being proactive, getting in front of this thing. Not remaining reactive and being beaten to the point that you’re ready to take life. Share with us some ways to heal victims and abusers….

  7. toomanygrandkids says:

    her. So she moved out of their home and into her parents’ home. Her husband went to her parents’ home causing trouble and disturbances. It didn’t sit well with him that she wasn’t gonna accept his abuse towards her. He also didn’t like that she had parents who not only didn’t appreciate their daughter being abused but they would protect their daughter. Then one day, this abusive scumbag goes over to the parents’ home, shoots his father-in-law right in front of her and her other, then turns the gun on himself. Why would she go to his funeral service and cry over his casket? And don’t give me that “because he was her husband” bullshtit. Life with an abuser is not what a marriage is suppose to be.

    Any woman who cries over the casket of her abuser isn’t wrapped too tight. That means she accepted his abuse. Some women actually believe that when a “man” hits them, it means that he loves you. So she allows the abuse to continue. When he dies from whatever she cries over the casket because she’s gonna miss they way he loved to hit her.

  8. toomanygrandkids says:

    I didn’t say that admitting to being an abuser was a cure. Because it’s not. If I did say that then worded it wrong. Admitting you have issues is just the first step. All steps to “recovery” depend on the abuser. Is he going to counseling? Or, is the counselor in the form of drugs and alcohol? Is the counselor some dudes who are abusers also? Does the abuser use his issues as an excuse to be abusive?

    It’s the abusers problem/issues that end with a bullet. The person being abused will live to suffer the emotional (and sometimes physical) scars left by the abuser. Everyone being abused or who’s been abused has a right to protect themselves by any means necessary. It really doesn’t have to end with a bullet, but abusers don’t recognize any limits or boundaries to abusive behavior, especially if they see nothing wrong with it.

    What choice did the woman I descibed in my previou post have but to go to the extreme in order to protect herself. If he hadn’t broke into her home in the first place, she would’ve shot him. But he crossed those boundaries/limits. Hell, breaking into a home thats not yours and you violated a protective order are crimes. Everyone knows that except abusers.

    Murder on the table as a solution? Having (or being forced) to kill someone in self-defense IS NOT murder. Victims of abuse want peace and to get away from the abusers. But when abusers can’t accept that their abusive behavior won’t be tolerated, they become even more dangerous. If anything, they are the ones with murder on the brain. WHEN ABUSERS KILL THEIR VICTIM(S), NOW THAT’S MURDER.

    Crying over a casket? I know plenty of REAL victims of abuse who didn’t even go to the service. Why should they pay respects to someone who disrespected and abused them? I remember the son of a preacher who killed his father-in-law then himself. He’s wife didn’t attend her estranged husband’s services. Before the shooting incident, she’d left him because he was abusing

  9. Dina Deon says:

    Thanks for sharing that article. Most of us have abusive tendencies, physical abuse is most difficult to stomach because you we see the effects (black eyes, broken bones, etc) immediately. Emotional abuse, such as calling a person a “low life scumbag” doesn’t leave physical scaring so it’s easier for us to justify those actions. As you said it’s “natural” for some men to respond with nphysical aggression when hurt or angry. Those natural responses must be replaced with less harmful one’s, that’s a process itself. Admitting you have an issue isn’t a cure! Just as an alcoholic, drug addict, thief & the likes undergoes therapy and counseling, similar treatment is necessary for those who abuse others. I’m saddened you feel the problem ends “when abused women shoot a bullet in his ass”. Taking another’s life shouldn’t be seen as the best solution to a problem. That’s reactive! We must learn to be proactive. The situation should never escalate to that level! We often put murder on the table as a solution, then we end up crying over caskets because someone used our “solution” to deal with our loved one. Change, healing & repairing comes when we get in front of the solution rather than constantly responding from behind. We don’t need more murders or abusers in our community, we need more healers to step up and do their work. 1st step: Listen to your excuses

  10. toomanygrandkids says:

    The only “hope” male (and female) abusers have lies within them. They must acknowledge the mistreatent they bring upon others. It must dawn on them they are the ones with the problem. Abusers also must realize that abusing people is wrong and nothing but bad comes out of it.

  11. toomanygrandkids says:

    bedroom. Her bedroom. She woke up to him punching her in the face. She pulled a gun from under her pillow and shot him dead. His friend tried to tell him that his ex was gonna have something for him but he didn’t listen. Nothing senseable makes sense to abusers. She wasn’t charged because not only was their violent history on file but the cops knew of the history. It seems as though abusers don’t wanna be told/ordered what to do or not do, they truly believe the person(s) being abused should accept this treatment.

  12. toomanygrandkids says:

    Most abusers feel as though abusing people does make them a man. It’s what men do. Well, what needs to happen is to stop calling them men. Abusers aren’t men. They are low life scumbags. You have these scumbags hitting on women because (insert reason here). There are countless reasons why because abusers don’t even wanna acknowledge that they have a problem. It’s so natural to slap, punch, and kick women. Getting rid of or overcoming this problem starts with the abuser realizing THEY have a problem and it’s WRONG to abuse women. Ending the problem happens when abused women shoot a bullet in his ass. I have posted this in another article about domestic violence.

    A black woman had separated from her abusive husband who had abused her for years. She took out many protective orders against this scumbag. He still followed her around and called her on the phone, even though he wasn’t suppose to try contacting her. There came a time when she thought he was obeying the rules of the protective order until she receives a court summons in the mail. He signed a complaint against her just so he could see her in court. The case was dismissed once she presented all the orders and their violent history was documented with the court.

    Well, that didn’t sit well with this guy. As the saying goes: You reap what you sow. One nite, he was drinking and smoking crack with his friends. The entire time he was talking about his estranged wife in anger. Saying how he was gonna do something to her. One of his friends told him to leave her alone. “She gonna have something waitin’ on you, man.” His friend also told him to move on with his life. But abusers DO NOT LISTEN to anyone who tries to discourage them from bringing misery to someone’s life. At some point, he and a female get in his car. When he began telling her where he was going, she somehow got him to let her out. He then proceeded to his ex’s home. He got a ladder and climbed into a second floor

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