(ThyBlackMan.com) It’s impossible to deny the rise of domestic abuse within the black community. Most of us have either been in love with an abusive partner, went through the storm with a loved one or been the abuser. The conversation is always the same! You need to leave him, he doesn’t deserve you, he’s going to kill you, you don’t have to live that way. Do you have low self-esteem? Is that the only man you think you can get? After years of being face to face with domestic abuse in our personal lives as well as in the media with the recent Joe Budden accusations and of course Chris Brown who just recently stopped having to apologize for his actions, one would think we’d have a course of action in place.
Why is ‘call the police’ or leave him the best advice we’re able to give in 2014? Now I’m not dismissing the need to seek help or leave immediately, but the fact is: No one spends a lifetime in prison for domestic abuse! What are we doing as a community to stop abusive men? Do we feel there is hope for men who beat on women?
I’ve heard that men who put their hands on women are weak, they’re animals. So how do we describe the man who spends his time “talking” about the problem yet offering no solution to his abusive brothers? So many men are lining up to teach women how to think like a man, get a man and keep a man but few showing up to teach their brothers how to behave and respond like a man.
Is domestic abuse a man’s outcry for help? And if so, how can we begin to heal the abuser?
Listen To The Excuses. Listening itself is a task for most! We spend majority of the conversation speaking or thinking of what we’re going to say next. When we avail ourselves to listen to the excuses (the reasons) put forth by an abuser, we are then able to find a realistic solution to the problem. In listening we’re able to identify if its an anger issue, one rooted in being abused or living in an abusive home as a child or if its how a person responds when they’re not able to express themselves emotionally.
Listening doesn’t validate abuse! It merely opens the door to effective healing. The first step to change is finding the problem! The problem isn’t the abuse, the abuse is an effect. The problem is the cause, the trigger that sparked the abuse to begin with.
Creating A Nonjudgmental Space. This means releasing the need to point fingers or create the infamous “holier than thou” atmosphere that’s oh so rampant within our community. Creating a nonjudgmental space opens the door for more honest, heartfelt and life altering dialogues. These spaces promote trust, compassion and respect. It encourages one to return, to continue on the path to healing. Nonjudgmental spaces states “I love you where you are and I will support you as you change”, it releases feelings of unworthiness and division.
Allow Men To Be Emotional. I must say both men and women have some work to do in this arena! Women have jokes about men who are sensitive to their needs and feelings. Some mothers won’t even console their sons when they fall off their bikes! I’ve heard too many women telling their sons “get up, big boys don’t cry”. Thats right! Big boys don’t cry, they ‘hit’ because they haven’t learned to use their words, they haven’t learned to express their feelings. The age old saying still holds true “hurt people, hurt people”. Until we allow men to express what is causing them pain, until we start asking ‘where does it hurt?’. We will continue to see the effects of physical abuse running rampant within our communities.
Reflect On Your Abusive Tendencies. To effectively offer healing to others we all must reflect on our abusive tendencies. Okay, you’ve never laid hands on your partner! That’s beautiful, but are you emotionally abusive? Do you withhold your love, support and affection when they upset you? Are you mentally abusive? What triggers you to let a person know just how ignorant and stupid they really are? Are you spiritually abusive? What prompts you to tell a person they are unworthy of receiving guidance or forgiveness? How do you discipline your children? Many of us take spankings to an extreme that teaches children early that people only respond to pain.
Helping a woman leave an abusive relationship is a beautiful process to be involved in. Being able to help a woman regain her power so that she can move forward is beneficial work and needed now more than ever. Yet imagine the strides we’d as a community if we involved ourselves in the process of shifting abusive men into supportive, loving and compassionate men. Imagine if we healed those who cause pain by helping them overcome that which is hurting them within. Imagine a community where our men were again viewed as protectors, rather than someone women must be protected from. We all have a responsibility! We all play a vital role in rehabilitating our men who are in pain.
My prayers go out to those who are living in abusive relationships, those who result to violence in relations and those who have lost loved ones to abuse.