Thursday, September 21, 2023

Real Talk Relationships (The “L” Word)

November 30, 2011 by  
Filed under News, Opinion, Relationships, Weekly Columns

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( If you have enjoyed any of my writings some of the things you are about to hear may sound familiar from a previous articles and that’s because IT IS!! The success of relationships can easily be summed up in two words Repetition or Repeat.  You have to take all of the good qualities, strong points of your relationship and repetitiously do them over during the course of a relationship to maintain it, sustain it, and allow for growth. “Repetition” in a relationship shows you both are attempting to perfect what is. Now there is no perfect relationship but there is a perfect relationship for you!  If not? You just will be subject to the other and “Repeating” a cycle of bad relationships/friendships.

I have always said that deception is worse than lying. When a person lies its blatant, they just flat out don’t want you to know the truth so they don’t tell it! I’m not saying its right but I can accept it! I actually can respect it to some point. You can’t hold yourself accountable for someone lying to you. When a person uses deception he is truly playing on YOUR emotions and in short that person is simply saying you are stupid! It’s disrespectful. We all can probably  agree that normally women tend to be more than in tune with their emotions & feelings when it comes to a man. And for most men they are more in tune to their defense mechanism of detaching themselves from their emotions or feelings or even sex! But a man uses deception in masking what really is with women. Women truly are creatures of endurance. I have seen women stick by a man through some the most severe circumstances when the opportunity and easy option to leave is the best thing she could ever do for herself! I have learned that a woman, until she has had “HER ENOUGH” (varies by woman) she will continue to endure for the sake of what she envisions her relationship to be or the potential she knows the man has! The problem is that they woman does not acknowledge or will not accept that the man doesn’t look at her in the same light! YOUR light is bright as hell like sunshine! His light is like walking around at night with a flashlight! You can’t put grips on how he sees you or your relationship with him. ENTER DECPETION, which makes you question yourself or confused on you relationship.

*I know I am bout to catch flack from the Fellas but Herewego!* Ladies when a man shows you who he is, and what he is about….. BELIEVE HIM!!  It is much easier to see a person in a new light after being proved wrong than having expectations on the unseen/unknown and then being let down when you realize what looked bad REALLY WAS AS BAD AS IT LOOKED! Women give men too much room for error. You divest 100% of you into him and you only get a “piece” of him in return. They say fair exchange aint no robbery… well some of you women are in a flat out “HEIST” and you don’t even know you an accessory to your own robbery. He done robbed you of  your heart with no intentions of keeping it! A man is commited to his options. He only will go as far as his options allow him. Deception allows the man to maintain options and say ALL the right things when necessary. You have made him priority (which there is nothing wrong with as long as it’s mutual) but he has made you his option! That’s usually a trait of a serial dater. He will date you or whoever as long as he can until there is no other option to fully commit or leave.

Deception is selfish… It allows the man to convince himself and say he aint ready for commitment, he wants to do him when he wants, he wants to date you when he wants, he wants to fuck when he wants, and he wants you all to himself and all without commitment. And the worst part is that he has convinced himself that he is right! You tell him you love him because you do and he tells you he loves you to keep you close and to keep his options open. You look at him as your future. His only concern is what you can do for him present day! You are his biggest support system when the only thing he can amount to for you is your weakest link. Your relationship is convenience for him and he is dating you when he sees fit! *JESUS BE A FENCE ROUND MY MOUTH* but to some you are nothing more than “convenient pussy” the sex has more of a hold on you than him saying “I love you back” The sex can be the main weapon in the robbery. But remember I said some women are accessories to their own crime. Y’all use it as a weapon just as much as men. But when you laying up under a man, he don’t hear shit you saying, but better believe at that time you will always have the man you want! You will never be able to get from up under a man until……YOU GET YOUR ASS FROM UP UNDER HIM!!

In relationships the hardest thing to acknowledge that flat out is that YOU TWO ARE NOT RIGHT FOR EACH OTHER or that other person doesn’t love you like you love them. It’s hard to let go. You tried and it just didn’t work. WE don’t like failure so WE keep attempting to hold on and make excuses for something that is NOT there. And it’s not ours to hold on to in the first place. WE make all the excuses to stay when we have all the evidence that says we should leave! WE CONFUSE… being IN-LOVE… with being IN-LOYAL. in-loyal meaning (in-short) basically like a prison sentence “TIME SERVED” or work and time put in the relationship wont allow you to let go! Y’all got kids so you use them as an excuse to stay and be a team player in your relationship getting worse.

WE choose the relationships a lot of time based on what WE want and not what WE NEED or what’s good for us! Ask yourself in the work or time you have put in did you receive equal value for what you gave? If you investing in a man and its not reciprocated then maybe you should start rethinking your investment because apparently you two have placed a different value on the relationship.

Ladies when a man wants to be with you. There is NOTHING in this world that can stop that man from being with you. I am a firm believer that every person that comes in your life is not necessarily meant to STAY in your life. People are put in our lives to learn from. And for some when the lesson is learned GOD removes them. WE try to keep them there! WE DO THAT! When a person doesn’t want to be or walks out of your life do yourself a favor….. AND LET THEY ASSES GO!! 

It’s obvious that you LOVE him…. when in turn he only LIKES you….There is no comparisons or similarities in the two. There is nothing wrong with loving what you love but it takes you to love them enough and yourself more to let go! Beyonce said “IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU WOULD HAVE PUT A RING ON IT”….. and I say…. Why would I put a ring on it if I only “LIKED” it! *shrugs*   Some women are confused on which “ L “ word he is using when he says it and rightfully so because he doesn’t want you to know the difference. They both sound like “LOVE” but his actions only say “LIKE”  so when he gives you all the the actions of  “LIKE” ….. BELIEVE HIM!


Staff Writer; Jamal Montague



10 Responses to “Real Talk Relationships (The “L” Word)”
  1. The nicest women take the most L’s when it comes to love. That’s not a theory, it’s a fact. Polite, respectful, honest, morally pure ladies are high risks for dick whipping. Being an apathetic no-nonsense “bitch” that could care less about what another person thinks is a challenge that turns most men on. Hoes know how to exploit the male mind and libido and will always get chased and tricked on. Nice women who are loyal, supportive, and just want honesty and respect in return, they usually get the short end of the stick.

    Why is it that certain groups of women have no problem walking away, whereas another has been breed to persevere as if loving a man is supposed to be hard? To hear men tell it, they don’t want the bitches, they hate the hoes, and they think the Spartans should take the pants off and let the males wear them. But when you look at power couples in the past twenty years, you see that great men select from that pool, and the nice women are left struggling with lesser men. I’ve talked to enough of these “this too shall pass” chicks where I can now point to one similarity. They believe in Soulmates like a 6 year old believes in the Easter Bunny.

    This idea of a soulmate, one person that you are meant to be with is magical, hopeful, and comforting. It’s also misleading, blinding, and dangerous. The average person relies on some kind of faith to get through tough times. Everyone will go through heartbreak, and the easiest cure for being rejected or abandoned is to remind yourself “They weren’t the one for me, my soulmate is coming.” That hope makes you get out of bed and push through the pain. When your friends or family gives you advice, they all regurgitate the same thing, “He wasn’t the one, baby girl, have faith.” Married people will confirm that they are with who they were meant to be, even those who were divorced and remarried will stand firm in this belief that you eventually get it right due to some grand design. So by this logic, the person you broke up with was just one person on the road to your soulmate, and you can take comfort in the fact that you will eventually meet that person. This type of optimism that allows you to move forward and dry your eyes is awesome… but here’s the fucked up part.

    When you sip that soulmate Kool-Aid your entire life, you get impatient and you get paranoid: You date and date and date, but nothing happens. You meet a handful of great guys, but they don’t want what you want. Next thing you know, you’re deep in your 20s or entering your 30s and you’re starting to second guess this soulmate shit. “Damn, maybe Victor from 12th grade was my soulmate and I missed out… Oh shit, if I missed out on my true soulmate, then I’m destined to settle! I’m single because I was too dumb to notice that Vic the asshole who tried to fuck my cousin just needed a second chance!” This line of thinking may sound exaggerated, but it’s a real life concern.

    People are so afraid that they missed out or that they will miss out on “the chosen one” that they get desperate, and when women get desperate they become vulnerable. A woman who has taken the wait route as opposed to the Spartan take route will begin to panic with each passing birthday. That woman will then force the next appealing nigga into that mythical soulmate box. I’ve heard too many sob stories about, “he felt right, we connected, and I know he was my soulmate.” That nigga felt about as right as any above average dude with good conversation and better dick skills, feels. Your love sick mind was so open to this magical idea of a dick of destiny that you ignored the facts of the relationship in favor of some assumed fate.

  2. DWsMom says:

    Thanks so much for reposting. I realize that after a recent break, I was asking the wrong question. Not, did he want to be with me? but did I want him there? Huge difference. I failed to speak up when I should have and state my needs clearly to even know if he could or wanted to meet them. When someone is hostile/against conversations important to you that’s an issue. The signs were there. Sometimes, we as women hear what we want to hear instead of what’s actually said through words and actions. Like you said, there’s a big difference between love and like, and I went all in for someone who exhibited like (but I feel stopped even liking), when what I signed up for (divested in) was love. It’s not easy letting go, but God keeps telling me to stop knocking on a door HE’s closed. And HE’s always right and doing a new thing in and for me.

  3. Leah says:

    J you are the truth! I will share this with a couple lady friends who REALLY need to read this. Maybe they will understand EXACTLY what I’ve been telling them for years when they hear it from a man. J you are the truth!

  4. Eleaine says:

    “You divest 100% of you into him and you only get a “piece” of him in return.” Yes true. I’ve learned to find out if we are on the same page. If your actions are different than what’s coming out of your mouth I have learned to move on.

  5. Consuela says:

    Truer words have never, ever been spoken than this right here! I can see myself from the first word to the last and I am thankful for moments of clarity!

  6. Deserie says:

    Hey, it’s raw but it’s real and J, I don’t think folk will have you any other way so keep enlightening us sistah’s and let the brotha’s hate or step up to the plate!

  7. Deserie says:

    ??????? They say fair exchange aint no robbery… well some of you women are in a flat out “HEIST” and you don’t even know you an accessory to your own robbery” J, you are on a rolllllllll!I couldn’t have written this any better myself but the message packs an even more powerful punch coming from a MAN! I LOVE IT! You got me hooked, anxiously awaiting your next piece ???????

    ? ? ?

  8. Judy says:

    All I’m gonna say right now is Wow!!!

  9. NikNak says:

    WOW, this is a really deep article and I needed to read this. I am going through a situation right now as I type and I have decided to walk away because what I put into the relationship, I sure was not getting it back. I was definitely an option as I made him a priority. And yes, it is hard because I love him but I love myself more and don’t want to be treated this way anymore and I am letting him go. After reading this, this further confirms me in letting him go. Thank you for sharing and being honest!!!

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