Sistas, Delusions of Grandeur. : ThyBlackMan

Thursday, September 20, 2018

Sistas, Delusions of Grandeur.

August 6, 2012 by  
Filed under News, Opinion, Relationships, Sista Talk, Weekly Columns

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( To all the women that say they can’t find a man on their level, what exactly is this “level” that you speak of? What if your “level” isn’t appealing to some men, especially if you like to talk about your” haves” and his “have nots”, your independence and his dependency on you? I mean did you ever stop and think that “your” level might be BENEATH his? Sometimes I wonder what type of mirror we as women view ourselves in. Maybe it’s the kind that gives us an optical illusion, you know if you go a fair or a carnival and you go into the house of mirrors, and what is being reflected is not reality? Kind of like that.

Why are Black Women encouraged to “marry up” as if all Black Men are just down trodden with bleak futures? When you ask women what their level is, normally the answer is based on material things. You know we say things like “I pay my own bills”.  And have the nerve to say it like we’re really doing something! Ummm if you’re GROWN, and living on your own then you SHOULD pay your own bills. Next come the “degrees”. Oh I have a B.A. B.S, Masters, a Ph.D, all of that and no M-A-N? Why are we instructed to “lower our standards” if we want a man? What’s wrong with elevating our Men? Helping him rise, encouraging him and motivating him?

Another misconception is that men are intimidated by “successful” women. First of all what is your definition of success? There is nothing wrong with being proud of your accomplishments, and what you acquire in life. However some women equate success with degrees, nice cars and houses and  assume  that having those things automatically make them a “good woman”. If that is the case, then why are women able to prosper professionally but suffer personally?  Sometimes we as women don’t realize how arrogant some of us have become, and we interpret OUR arrogance as THEIR insecurities or intimidation. What man wouldn’t want his woman to have the best in life and be able to GIVE that to her? 

So many Sisters say “I don’t want a broke ass man“, well men don’t want a woman that will “break“(him down) either. While you are checking out his bank account are you RICH with compassion? Are you RICH with understanding? Are you RICH with love? Are you RICH with rebuilding? Are you RICH with knowledge on what a man NEEDS and do you WILLFULLY and CONSISTENTLY EXERCISE that knowledge? If not, then maybe that’s why you’re always finding yourself “over drafted” and in the “negative“.

I think women have VERY unrealistic expectations of Black Men especially in this current financial climate.  Now should he have a job? Yes? Of course, but today it does take two incomes or a financial contribution from a wife to maintain the household. Now does that make him LESS than a man? No. It just makes a wife what she is; a HELPMEET.

It seems that we are looking for pre-packaged “great” men instead of seeing the potential in a good man and helping him becomes a GREAT man. A man will be his most successful (in my humble opinion) when he has the support and encouragement of his wife.  

Yes all of us are born with a purpose, but you think a great man is groomed on his own? He needs a patient and understanding wife. Sometimes a man may not even see or know his potential until he marries a woman that recognizes it and CULTIVATES it. A marriage is a partnership, your wife; your husband is your business partner. Formulate a financial plan together. Assist your husband. Nagging does not produce positive results nor will it produce a solution. So many Brothers are passed up because they aren’t sitting on stacks, but these same Sisters that are passing them by, are sitting… themselves. Check the unemployment rate for Black Men! Some of these items on our checklists aren’t realistic, and to be honest, Sisters want Brothers that they themselves aren’t even QUALIFIED for. You want a man like (insert the name of a name that you think is great) but look at the WIFE of this great man, then look at yourself.

It’s not that you’re so “elevated” that you are unapproachable or one of my favorites “most men can’t handle me”. It could just be you. Let’s define the word “handle” shall we?

Handle: to manage, deal with, or be responsible for, to control.

Now, let’s define the word “husband”.

Husband: A married man, especially when considered in relation to his wife, a manager.

A husband is manages and handles his wife accordingly. So in essence, when you say a “man can’t handle a woman like me”, more than likely he doesn’t want the task of managing or being responsible for a woman like you, depending upon your attitude. 
Don’t believe the hype that  Black Men have a fear of commitment or don’t have the desire to marry. The right woman can turn “I will never be a one woman man” into “I want to be with her forever“. That is the power of a beautiful, knowledgeable, Godly woman, that knows her role, isn’t auditioning for yours, knows the beauty and power of submission, doesn’t flex on her man, laces her tone with compassion instead of contempt, walks with him in this journey called life, instead of running ahead so she can claim “first place“, revives you when your energy is low, shields his weaknesses from the world but promotes his strength, she is his diary, her mind is the pages, and the love is the ink with which he writes with, her heart is where the key remains secured, what he expresses with her, STAYS with her, she provides an atmosphere that allows him to speak his pain, fears, and frustrations without judgement , allows him to be vulnerable, because he knows that this woman, understands him, like no one else, he knows that this woman loves him like no one else, in her spirit he sees God, in her wombs he found the path that leads to his legacy, in her arms he finds solace, in his house he finds PEACE, in her food he finds healing, in their children he sees the perfect blend of both “he and she“…….and the type of man he “never” thought he would be… now the type of man he has PROUDLY BECOME.
So it’s not so much that you can’t find a man on your level, you just might be suffering from “delusions of grandeur” placing yourself on a “level” that you don’t or haven’t qualified be on. Sometimes our levels are really superficial and why would a deep Man (mental giant) swim in shallow water?

Staff Writer; Nojma Muhammad
To learn more about this talented sister, feel free to visit; Nojma Reflects.


31 Responses to “Sistas, Delusions of Grandeur.”
  1. Ramses says:

    And @steph how many black women expect black women to make up for their mistakes (burdensome children who you all can’t take care of by yourself). How many black men get with black women who have kids taking on another man’s responsibility? When a Man needs help trying to achieve goals, that’s a good thing steph, it means he has ambitions. Now a cat who stays at home smoking weed all the time doesn’t show ambition and that’s not help when you take care of him: it’s called enabling to be sorry. You need to check your definition of help. I wonder if you’ve ever been married or close…I doubt it. Your outlook is very skewed. Technically no one has to do anything for anyone whether they are male or female. Blueprints have been written down and told through oral traditions as a way of teaching following generations. So you ‘re right you don’t have to elevate a Man or assist him, but he doesn’t have to do it for you either. See how that works. You help those to help you. Get it. It’s called reciprocity. If your car was broken down on the side of the road, who is more likely to help you: a man or woman. A man of course. And he is not even trying to get with you when he does it. It’s his notion of manhood that doesn’t want to see a woman in a precarious position like that. Black females don’t realize how selfish they are and to me there’s nothing worse than a selfish, stingy female because it goes against her nurturing nature. i will never tell a woman to give to a person who is not trying to hold up his side of the equation but a Man seeking help does not make him less than a Man, it means he’s human. It’s funny how the very same brothers who you won’t support when they are not financially successful don’t get with you when they become successful. I wonder why. Maybe they take on the same mentality you all have when he gets money. You didn’t support them when he didn’t have money now all of a sudden he gets money and he decides he won’t reward you (black women as a collective) because he remembers how it felt when you didn’t support him and it’s ironic because when he feels that way he’s accused for being bitter!!!! As if he doesn’t have a legitimate reason for it. You women would do well to find women who have been married for years like my grandmother (40 years) and talk to them and get advice on how to deal with men. Matter fact I would give you all her number so you can talk to her and gain some insight on what would give you the best chance to get and keep a man. Because clearly opening your legs is not working. Grow up please

  2. Ramses says:

    Didn’t even have to read the end of the article to know who wrote it….no need to say anything articles speaks for itself

  3. Deech says:


    And how is that gonna happen, DaTruth? Black women are very educated and competing in the corporate world moreso than Hispanic women.

    I know in your wet colorstruck dreams you want them to replace black women, but they can have you.

    Thank goodness some black women are seeing otherwise.

  4. Mack says:

    The article was on point, like all of Nojma’s articles are. All you black man hating, white man loving, tragic negro, Blue Vein Society rejects, closet carpet munching, white daddy syndrome having females need to get your heads examined. Seriously. Many of you apparently suffer from some type of mental illness. America has that effect on many people.

    These venomous and angry responses are just the 1st and 2nd stages of truth, as quoted from the German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer: “All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.”

    Stage 3 is just around the corner… 😉

  5. Mack says:

    Ebony Imhotep:

    First off, your chosen name is very misleading. The honorable Amenhotep must be rolling over in his grave at the moment. If anyone has evident daddy issues, I think you just proved it to be YOURSELF. Slinging that hatred at a true daughter of Africa trying to bring resolution to the relational problems that have plagued us is highly disingenuous on your part.

    You so-called wannabe ‘black’ feminists never cease to amaze me…And btw: relating Mrs. Nojma to Shahrazad Ali is actually a compliment. Too bad you’re too dense to see that.

  6. natalie says:

    I couldnt disagree more ebony…ill ne back…phones gonna die

  7. Ebony Imhotep says:

    If you notice, this writer in particular has a tendency to attract with her writings the bottom of the barrel black males because that’s who she appeals to. Just look around at the commentary? Real successful black men don’t typically waste their time with such foolishness. Just look at how disrespectful these males are when met with disagreement? Just take a look at the envy, jealousy, and hatred they speak toward black women? they attribute our success to white men being afraid or intimidated by them which is a complete crock. The truth is, black males for females such as the writer to stop coddling them. Stop fueling their gripes with and hatred toward black women for the sake of pushing your own agenda rooted in seeking attention from men (and males) who would otherwise be paying you no mind. You’re daddy issues are more than evident and no matter how hard you try, you’re not going to fill that void by being some Shaharazad Ali Knock off so just KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY!

  8. James says:

    This quote from Booker Washington summarizes everything: “Nothing ever comes to one that is worth having except as a result of hard work”

  9. natalie says:

    I love our president steph but I must admit that while he and Valerie Jarret aggressively fought and pushed for a council on girls years ago, he has been strongly opposed to any such effort for men/boys. Caving to pressure from special interest groups like the National Orgnaization of Women’s opposition to such proposals, anything that focused on mens issues has fallen victim to politic. Its interesting because the findings of the council on girls and women merely reminded us that women are doing fine, while other proposals for boys/men have not only identified critical issues but provided solutions from bi-partisan educators, social scientist, community activist, clergy etc.

  10. Steph says:

    I appreciate Natalie your thorough answer and I hope it will be sent to the right people in the government who can do something about it. I like also the answer of Keepn it real says. We need to stop making excuses for our shortcomings and as I wrote we are not supposed to go backward but forward. And I will still have a problem with people who think that Black women should not expect much from our brothers. I am glad that there is an Obama now, it was about time to raise the bar. I met brothers who had the honesty to tell me that they didn’t prepare themselves academically to be with a female like me.

  11. natalie says:

    @ keepin it real

    I couldnt agree more with you. The pivot away from “first comes love then comes marriage…” had expedited the rapid deterioration of family and by extension the community.

  12. keepn it real says:

    Women and girls are still denied the right to achieve all around the World, especially the continent of Africa that flat out refuses to use the other half of their brain power, although the U.S. has made strides in this area. It is around puberty when an unsupervised boy takes to the streets in search of self which is a recipe for disaster. There are a multitude of programs that focus on the health and well being of our boys. None is more successful than a healthy family structure “Husband, Wife, and children”. I have a male friend whose family was made up of Husband, Wife and 13 children. None of the 13 children got into trouble with the law, all 13 children graduated college and all 13 children were productive. This is the result of a Husband and Wife that cultivated their seeds before the offsprings existed. No matter how you slice it, we need to get back to a healthy family structure or it will continue to be one program after another with substandard results.

  13. Umm Yeah says:

    Good stuff Natalie. I don’t really think she is interested in ‘research’ and ‘data’. She just wants to bash Black men and complain about why she can’t find a good one.

  14. natalie says:

    You mention without citing “the research”. I am a reseracher/ practitioner with work in this area. I will post a link to the proposal. It is full of solutions as opposed to our communities tendency to take aim at the same target (men) over and over again without much consideration for the true complexity of the issues. Please browse the bibliography section as well for some additional readin if you are interested.

  15. natalie says:


    I will simply say that when women and girls were struggling and were not achieveing as they currntly are we focused on systemic issues and implemented programs and initiatives to change this. Now that young men and boys have begun to struggle, we reduce it simply to a general lack of ambition? Far too simplistic an argument.Here are a few solutions that a few of us in academia have gotten behind but the president continues to ignore.

    How a White House Council on Boys to Men Can Improve Boys’ Education
    The U.S. has been a world leader in addressing girls’ needs.58 A complementary effort on
    behalf of boys can be achieved by a White House Council on Boys to Men identifying solutions
    that merit broader implementation:

    More male teachers. Many inner-city boys spend their early lives going from female-run
    homes to female-run elementary schools with mostly female teachers. Without a positive male
    role model they are vulnerable to being seduced by gangs’ offer of a false male identity.

    Especially in communities with high percentages of fatherlessness, the Council might
    examine the best ways to provide boys with consistent positive leadership:
    • recruit male teachers;
    • have some male teachers certified to become “long-term teachers”—that is, teachers
    assigned to a boy (especially a fatherless boy) for multi-year periods;
    • bring men working in traditional male occupations into the classroom;
    • have male teachers’ most positive values (e.g., responsible competitiveness) and methods
    (physically active, interactive, project-oriented approaches to learning) be integrated into
    K-12 teacher training even as male teachers are learning about the positive values of
    female teachers.

    Boy-friendly Testing. Design tests that use methods of evaluating that are outgrowths of
    boys’ methods of learning (interactive, physically active, project-oriented, the incorporation of
    competitive games…).
    Updated teacher education. The Council would identify teacher trainings that would help
    boys. For example, a study by the University of Missouri-Kansas City has codified practical
    strategies that work “to create boy-friendly classrooms that also help girls.”59
    Teachers need to know which teaching styles, teacher characteristics, and programs have proven
    most effective for boys with varying challenges. For example, which programs are most effective
    in areas such as communication skill training, and creative ways of recruiting of male teachers
    (e.g., exchanges with business)? How can schools best establish mentoring and reading
    programs? Have cooperative ventures with the Boys’ Clubs and other boy-supportive but nonsexist
    organizations been effective? For example, if the findings prove valid that experience with
    the Boy Scouts increases performance in science, reading, and math, and goal-setting,60 then how
    can teachers learn from their methods?

    Improved communication skills. The Achilles’ heel of humans is our inability to handle
    personal criticism without becoming defensive. The commerce of male adolescence—the trading
    of wit-covered put-downs—masks our sons’ pain with laughter when they are put-down. The
    resulting isolation is doubtless a contributor to boys’ increasing suicide rate in comparison to
    girls each year of adolescence.
    The Council needs to review the best existing school programs developing boys’
    communication and listening skills prior to early adolescence, when boys’ raging sexual
    hormones and poor communication combine to leave boys feeling rejected and girls feeling

    Proposal/WH Council on Boys to Men/Dr. Warren Farrell, 415-259-6343
    March 7, 2011; Page 9 of 56
    objectified. Various forms of active listening need to become as comfortable as a boys’ native
    language prior to adolescence. When boys increase their ability to listen and be heard by their
    peers, the security blanket provided by a listening-functional school such as Summit Prep, (a
    Charter School in Redwood City, California that has a substantial percentage of students from
    disadvantaged backgrounds), can create emotional health even among boys coming from
    dysfunctional homes. Listening-functional schools must extend their training to parents so its
    students are not learning functional listening in school and dysfunctional listening at home.61
    Boy-focused reading programs. When the U.S. discovered girls were doing worse in math
    and science, we re-examined everything in our math and science programs, from teachers’ styles
    to the degree to which math problems might be worded in more girl-friendly ways. The province
    of Ontario, Canada is beginning to do that for boys: developing a special reading program for
    boys due to boys’ special challenges with reading.62 In the U.S., a Guys Read program in Alaska
    features men reading funny, boy-friendly books to fourth grade boys during the lunch hour. The
    result? Boys otherwise known for behavior problems were writing their own children’s books,
    and competing to read them and bragging about them.63 Interactive video games that require
    reading skills to win are another boy-friendly approach. Outcome studies of these programs
    should be conducted so the most effective of them can be expanded to the communities that most
    need them.
    Spread the lessons of charter schools. A number of charter schools are working to close
    gender gaps and black/white achievement gaps. Examples include the Promise Academy Charter
    Schools in Harlem64 and the Eagle Academy, an early-childhood school in Washington DC.65
    The Council would review evaluations of school systems like those in Milwaukee and
    Washington, D.C. that offer school choice.66 When findings are reported, such as those of the
    school choice program in Milwaukee for disadvantaged families, (that with half the per-student
    public funding there is more than a 50% higher graduation rate than in even more-advantaged
    public schools in Milwaukee,67) the Council would see if those findings are accurate and
    applicable to schools in other cities.
    Single-Sex Education. Under what conditions—and with which children during which
    developmental stages—does single-sex and mixed-sex education work? At least 540 public
    schools now use single-sex classrooms.68 In public education, the most popular application of
    this option is gender-separate core classes (math, science, and language arts) in combination with
    other classes being gender-integrated.69 Three key populations have shown improvement: girls in
    math and science, boys in behavioral areas, and boys in core classes. A recent study by Fryer and
    Levitt found that girls do not lag behind boys in math in countries with same-sex schooling.70
    The goal of the Council is to investigate what creates win-win education environments for both
    sexes, and under what conditions.

    Drugs-as-Baby Sitter vs. Drugs When All Else Fails The White House Council can
    examine the most-likely-to-succeed options prior to prescribing Ritalin and other drugs on our
    sons: diet; interactive games; physical activities; projects involving building or doing;
    mentorship; same-sex classrooms; male teachers; training teachers in boys’ psychosocial
    Proposal/WH Council on Boys to Men/Dr. Warren Farrell, 415-259-6343
    March 7, 2011; Page 10 of
    Developing Evidence-Based Practices. Use research from entities such as the University of
    Pennsylvania’s Center for the Study of Boys’ and Girls’ Lives71, which assesses the best
    educational practices, and create hybrid school/home/community projects such as the one
    coordinated by the Even Start Family Literacy Program in Prince George’s County, Maryland72.

  16. Steph says:


    How do you explain that we went backward (since the last decades) instead of forward? It wasn’t the case before that 70% of Black women are alone and/or are raising by themselves their kids. It seems also that men what ever the origins are less ambitious than before. When you look at studies, more women are universities and less men pursue higher education. I would really like to understand what happened. Before, it didn’t really exist men who didn’t mind to stay home and being taking care by women. Not like now, anyway. It seems some of them are even proud to not work and support their family.

  17. Umm Yeah says:

    Steph do you really want to get technical? I think you are pretty much talking out of your ass now. Not only did you throw all Black men under the bus, but you are clearly trying to wriggle your way out of being caught holding onto a stereotype and then trying to fight to keep it.

    You try to act smart but you are not demonstrating it well, so I can pretty much see why one of us “cream at the top” Black men wouldn’t date you.

    In regard to a source – Since you fancy yourself intelligent, I presume you know the quality of the research they do.

    In regard to wealthy Black men with Black wives – Bill Cosby, Denzel Washington, how about Jay-Z, Don King’s Wife (RIP 2010), Magic Johnson, Michael Jordans First Wife, Robert Johnson

    Here is the list of some more, you go and google –

    If you aren’t willing to be thorough and just want to hold on to your stereotypes to down Black men I have no more time for you.

  18. natalie says:

    Name me one community with almost an 8 in 10 rate of unwed childbirth where the women continue to maintain the idea that our lack of committment to family planning and pregnancy prevention plays little or no role inthe the current oow epidemic. Men abandoning their “family” would be suggestive of family to begin with…but we know that to not be the case. If we cared about “the best interest of children” we wouldnt bring them into the world and then hope “things will work out”. WE abandoned the idea that while there are no guarantees, first comez love then comes marriage then comez the baby in the baby carriage is generally a better formula than the current one we have pivoted towards.

  19. TrueDat says:

    A very well-written and interesting article. I was just browsing the webs to find some interesting articles on “Why do people drive expensive cars when they cant truly afford them.” and stumbled across this web which contains a lot of un-biased and interesting articles and views on things in life. Please keep posting! Btw i am not Black.

  20. Steph says:

    About reality, I know that too many of our brothers don’t have ambition. It is hard also for Black women but it seems we are more mature. More Black men have to man up, we are sick and tired to have this weight on our shoulders. Too many of them run away from their responsibilities by not raising their children, etc. Name us another community in America where 70% of the men are not with their women!!! They can get away with that because there is no social condemnation in the Black community for this kind of irresponsible behavior. There are brothers out there who think like me. For instance, I spoke to one of them recently. He told me how he cannot stand his brother in law. The husband of his sister didn’t work for 12 years!!! It is only recently he started to work. He thinks his sister deserves much better. In fact, a lot of Black women deserve better.

    In addition, without being pretentious, I don’t even have to open my mouth and when Black men see me they lie to try to have me. They say they have a PhD in science, etc. and when I discuss with them I can see right away it is false because they are not well-read. They have all the capacity to make it in this world but they have to believe in themselves and work hard. Nobody can do that for them especially if they are adults already.

  21. OkNow says:

    I’m talking about reality not fantasy. People keep bringing up so called Rich Black Men marrying white women. That isn’t the case at all. As you know majority – well over 75% or more of the Black Athletes will go broke even before leaving their given sport.

    Black Business men – Marry black women – That’s were the black wealth is. Not some athlete or entertainer!!

  22. Steph says:

    I still believe that other communities marry between one another most of the time and this is how they keep their money and heritage in their communities. You won’t see a Prince William marry a Black woman, but a Tiger Woods will take any White woman just to be with one of them. Too many of our brothers believe in the so-called Black beauty inferiority.

  23. OkNow says:

    Well Steph you do know there are a few thousand black millionaires. For some reason many Blacks believe one can only become rich through sports, or entertainment. Know that majority of our millionaires have earned their money the hard way. ( aka… business owners, etc. )

  24. Steph says:

    You still didn’t name us the rich Black men who married Black women. You just named one study without giving a complete source: the date, etc.

  25. Umm Yeah says:

    Steph, I appreciate your argument but the problem is that it is flawed. BY a 3 to 1 ratio the majority of Black men date and marry Black women. interracial relationships have increased among all races, and Blacks aren’t even the highest percentage. The race with the greatest amount of interracial relationships are Asian woman with White men.

    “According to the Pew report, more than 25 percent of Hispanics and Asians who married in 2010 had a spouse of a different race. That’s compared to 17.1 percent of blacks and 9.4 percent of whites.”

    So the question is are you going to go with facts or a myth?

    You talk about the ‘cream’ and that you are “worth it”. What makes you worth it? What makes you worth being the 1 out of the 3 that he should choose over the other two?

  26. Steph says:

    I am far from being alone to think that way and that is why my closest Black girlfriends who are well achieved in every way went outside the community. What are we supposed to do when our Black men who are successful prefer White women over us because they have been brainwashed and think we are not good enough for them anymore when they reached a high level. They are the only men who do that!!! Asians, etc. pick their females first from their community most of the time. Our men believed in the so-called inferiority of the Black race. They forgot in the first place who raised them!!! Name me several rich brothers like this one who married a Black woman: We deserve the cream also!!!

  27. Umm Yeah says:

    Steph, feel free to be alone. That is what seems to be the theme of your post.

    Remember in reality we are talking about the simply concept of supply and demand. If there are 3 ‘high class woman’ for every 1 ‘high class man’ then there is a fundamental imbalance in the relationship economy.

    So then what are you going to do about it? Black women are notorious about their aversion to dating outside of their race, yet within their race there are so many fewer guys with the equivalent education and corporate upward mobility.

    That is why I appreciate this article so much. Sister does a great job of re-framing the situation and helping folks recognize that men have more value than just income and education. A good man can have many forms, but are you really a good woman?

    Huh Steph? What would make that 1 guy who has 3 of you to choose from pick you?

  28. The truth slapper!! says:

    Great article sista Noj!!!

  29. Steph says:

    In addition, it seems that too many people expect the Black woman to be a mother to his mate or someone who has to fix him or save him!!!! Why this heaviness is expected from us???

  30. Steph says:

    Black women deserve the best!!! It seems it is only us who are being accused to be gold diggers when we want an accomplished man in every way. I have nooo respect for gigolos and so on. We have the right also to have the finest things in life. I grew up in a family like the Cosby Show and I have the right to be treated well by a a Black Prince!!!

  31. DaTruth says:

    The only reason these “ Sistas “ are successful is because white corporate America has always viewed black men as a threat so they prefer black women over black men in order to satisfy racial quotas. For all black people out there it doesn’t matter how smart or intelligent or the number of degrees you have, whites in general would not hire or promote any of you if they really had their way.

    P.S. for all you haughty black women you should know that Hispanic women will soon be replacing you in corporate America soon.

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