When Mama is MIA.
(ThyBlackMan.com) So last night a friend of mine called me, and said that I had to watch the latest episode of “Love and Hip Hop Atlanta”. I was offended lol. I said why are you acting like we just met? She stated that there were two scenes that I needed to watch because it was something that I speak about a lot. So I watched the show, and the scene that stood out to me the most, was the therapy session between Stevie J and Mimi, and how both revealed that neither one had a healthy relationship with their Mothers. Both were dealing with rejection, abandonment and a lack of love.
Apparently the Brother cheats and has a lot of women, and he said that he never met his mother, didn’t care about her, but tears started forming in his eyes and it was easy to see that affects him. Of course it would. The following is from a status I posted last week, and I literally watched it play out during that scene:
“As a young man, if you deal with rejection from your Mother, as you get older, you might become a ‘womanizer”, or even a pimp going from woman to woman hoping to fill the void left by your Mother. Women aren’t the only ones that barter their sacred spaces for validation.”
I am not condoning the way he treats women or the way women ALLOW him to treat them, but it certainly gave me a lot of insight and a different perspective. Rejection from a parent is very hard to deal with. We often talk about the Fatherless Homes in our communities, but rarely do we speak on the Mothers that leave their daughters without a blueprint of how to
transform from a young girl to a young woman, or leave their sons with a tainted view of women. Stevie J is obviously acting out from the rejection he feels from his mother.
As a woman if you deal with rejection from your Mother that may cause you to mistrust or even hate women. If you are unable to build a relationship with the first woman in your life, your mother, all women become “suspect” to you.
You will find this woman saying how she doesn’t get along with females or that she has mostly male friends. In Mimi’s case she tolerates so much disrespect from Stevie J because she has a fear of abandonment, due to her Mother abandoning her at the age of 13, by choosing religion over her daughter. Mimi stated that so much time passed before she and her Mother spoke again, and her Mother has also passed.
This episode was a perfect example to illustrate how we attempt to run from our past, only to have it show up in our “present”. It also shows why my primary focus is on Black Woman/Mother. Our wombs are such a sacred place, but we desecrate the sacredness of our wombs, when we don’t have a proper understanding of the beauty and power that resides there. I remember watching an episode of “Mary Mary” and Tina found out she was pregnant. Her reaction wasn’t that of happiness, she immediately stated that she didn’t want another baby, she already had children that kept her so busy but the expression on her face spoke volumes. Since then, she stated that she has accepted her pregnancy and is happy, but what about her INITIAL reaction? She rejected the life that was forming in her womb. Her thoughts and energy went into the child that she is carrying. Do we not see how important creating life is?
When a Mother leaves her daughter unprotected, and without guidance, how will she learn her value and worth? As Mothers we are the first teachers regardless if we are present or not. Either way we leave a “lesson” for our children. If we abandon our daughters, we teach them they aren’t good enough. We leave them empty and in search of a love that we didn’t give them.
With our sons, as Mothers we set the standard of how a woman carries herself, and the relationship between a mother and son is his first relationship with a female. As we can see when a son is deprived of that relationship, he seeks out women, his resentment for his Mother is evident in the way he treats women. In the case of Stevie J, he has to have control, and what is interpreted as manipulating women is his way of making women dependent on him, so they won’t leave him. Inside is a little boy yearning for the love of his Mother.
In our community, we talk a lot about the hurt, but very little about the healing. Sadly, most of us have grown up in broken homes, and are children are being raised in broken homes, but that doesn’t mean that we have to continue to be a broken PEOPLE. Oftentimes we try to run from our past only to have it show up in our “present”. We don’t think about our childhood and the effect that is has on us, and what has taken in our psyche that causes us to be unsuccessful in relationships.
As Mothers, we have to set a better example for both our sons and daughters, and step one is to be wise about whom we chose to procreate with. If we feel like we are unable to handle the responsibility that comes with lying on our backs, I suggest we stay off of them. Should we honor the wombs that bore us? Of course because the womb is the passageway to life, but as Mothers we have to also honor who we BEAR. Too many of us live by that “Mama need a life too” mentality, that we quickly disregard our children, we sacrifice their innocence to have a “man” in the house, we become pimps and trick our own children out. Again we will talk about Fatherless homes all day, but what about when Mama is MIA?
I am not giving Stevie J or men like him a pass, but his actions are a direct result of his Mother not being in his life. Sorry, for those that want to call him a dog, or whatever default labels we love to give Black Men, and I know you were probably betting on his father not being there, so you could throw another Black Man on the “blame list”, but his view of women was shaped and molded in the rejection of the woman who bore him. His first relationship with a Woman, His Mother, had no foundation, and until he TRULY heals, as we can see all his relationships will continue to crumble.
Staff Writer; Nojma Muhammad
To learn more about this talented sister, feel free to visit; Nojma Reflects