Saturday, March 23, 2019

When Child Support and Personal Vendettas Collide.

July 13, 2012 by  
Filed under News, Opinion, Relationships, Sista Talk, Weekly Columns

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( I posted the following on my facebook page, which sparked interesting dialog:

“I was talking to a Sister that I know and she is upset about how she receives child support. So listen her ex is a genius lol. He opened up a pre-paid checking account for her, gave her the card and he takes money out of his check every pay period (an amount they agreed too) and deposits the money in the account. However, she does not have the pin number, so she can’t withdraw money, and he can look online and see everything that she pays for to make sure all his “child support” goes directly to his child. So now she is taking him court, she is asking for more money and for the money to be directly deposited in her account. I said what’s the problem with what he is doing? I said you are going to lose in court. I said that if you don’t have the intention to use the money for your personal shopping spree what does it matter?
I commend the Brother for what he did and I would urge all Men to do the same thing. I am telling you, she is going to FAIL in court, I have tried to talk her out of it, but she is being stubborn. She said she doesn’t know why she tried to talk to me anyway, and I told her I don’t know why she thought I was going to co-sign on that madness, she is wrong, she is being greedy, she is  being vindictive, she doesn’t want him to have control, SHE wants to be the one to control the money and she has no real VALID reason to take this Brother to court. NONE! I hope the judge makes a good example out of her, because the Brother wants to make sure the money for his child goes to HIS CHILD, not whatever the hell SHE wants to spend the money on. “
As much as I would like for the Brother would win, I know and I was reminded that Black Men rarely get justice in an UNJUST system.  The Child Support System along with many others is designed to keep the Black Family destroyed. What I found the most interesting is that some felt she was justified pursuing a child support order against the Brother. Their initial agreement of 1200 a month (for their three year old) was signed and notarized, but she doesn’t like the WAY she is receiving money. I asked her why it would matter IF the money is for her child?
It seems the Black Man is damned if he “do” and he is for damn sure damned if he “don’t.” We hear or read stories about so called “dead beat dads” all the time, but in this case this Brother WILLINGLY stepped up to the plate, and is contributing financially without the order of the judge and his ex-wife still isn’t satisfied. I asked her what valid reasoning do you have for taking him to court? She kept saying she didn’t like the control and his ability to view how she spends the  money.
So in other words, she had no valid reasoning and SHE wanted the control. Hypocrisy at its finest.  One Sister commented that the Brother’s actions are “demeaning”, but what is going to court? It certainly isn’t honorable.  Because of her filing this action in court, their parental relationship has also suffered.  She might go to court and “win” and get the money deposited in her account, but what if she is granted a lower amount than what he is already paying her? If the situation were reversed and SHE had to pay, I am sure she would want to know where every dime, nickel, quarter and penny is going.
I personally think the Brother is a genius for making sure his money goes directly to his child, because that is the PURPOSE of child support isn’t it?  Some made comments about rent, electricity and things of that nature, but the Sister has a job of her own. Besides as an adult you should be able to handle your OWN expenses. I know Women who don’t receive ANYTHING for child support, and here is a Sister that receives $1200.00 a month and isn’t satisfied about how she receives it. 
Some of the comments seemed to be in defense of the Sister, but in my opinion she is wrong, her motives are wrong, her intentions are wrong and I expressed all of that to her. It seems at times that Women will defend other Women even in wrong, and the Brother was condemned while the Sister was given a pass.  As usual deflection made itself known and almost every question or statement was directed towards the Brother, such as “well obviously he doesn’t trust her” and CLEARLY he has good reason not to! I see NOTHING wrong with that the Brother is doing and I would encourage others to follow suit.
It seems as if for those who chose to use it in this manner, the child support office has become the most effective way to carry out personal, bitter and vindictive agendas.  The Sister feels strongly that she will come out on top, and even if she does “win” she has much more to lose.  She is very sure of her upcoming victory, her last words on the topic where” Girl you know they love hanging niggas in South Carolina”. Yes, they do, unfortunately she doesn’t realize that SHE is in possession of the noose. 
Staff Writer; Nojma Muhammad
To learn more about this talented sister, feel free to visit; Nojma Reflects.


12 Responses to “When Child Support and Personal Vendettas Collide.”
  1. Raina says:

    I know there are plenty of women who misuse the money, however what person in their right mind waits for child support payments to take care of their children? I pay for everything for my children and then when I get the money for child support it’s just replacing monies that I’ve spent. Unless the child he is paying child support for is neglected, then how she spends the money is none of his business.

    My ex-husband owes 1640.00 in child support and it is increasing every week. His mother says she can’t believe that I’m going after him for that amount, because there are men who don’t even pay for their kids and the father of both o her kids owes her a lot more than that.

  2. Nojma says:

    So they went to court. The judge said that even though the agreement was notarized, they still should have filed it with the court.

    So the Brother is now on court ordered child support and the Sister gets the money directly deposited in her account just like she wanted. But wait, the amount is slightly different, from the $1200 she was originally receiving from him to a whopping $570 per month! So $285 per pay period, when he was giving her $600 per pay period.

    So now she is singing “I shoulda coulda woulda” listened to you. Now she is saying she realizes how good she had it. I said you’re only saying that because the amount went down, if you were still getting the same amount you wouldn’t feel this way. So she tried to talk to her ex afterwards and tell him that she try to get the case dropped and he responded with a big ole “F” you. Aside from the amount of money that has now decreased, their parenting relationship has been tarnished in a MAJOR way. She got the control that she wanted but lost so much more.

  3. k b says:

    Great article! I think this should be a mandate for every child support case worldwide. It is sad and embarassing to see baby mama’s acting a fool and not even putting their children’s needs 1st. So long as he is paying it wouldn’t matter to me the method he chooses to use. The percentage of black men who do support their kids gets swept under the rug while society focuses on making an example out of black men who are deadbeats. Sad!

  4. Angelo Corceone says:

    Man, hell I take that deal given to that chick in the article any day I wish mine would just pay child support like she is ordered to, hell she could pay her child support directly to kids schools N i would be happy!!! Thing is some of these sisters feel if they cant have you they gotta try n control u through the children Or if they cant control things they are not gonna do Sh%# n will only make life difficult.
    Yea funny thing is we are not so different Male or Female both can be deadbeats and both come up with multiple reasons and excuses not to pay.
    Reality it its not about you and not about him its about your kids. Due to pettiness on parties involved and the pimping of cases by DSS and other
    “rights organizations” they screw up the kids and also our next generation!!!

  5. sankofa says:

    Nojma..greetings..just posted a reply to that sisters reply to…and so on. In it I partially alluded to what Mack just stated and what I have been telling people when the issue of marriage comes up. This form of captivity is good for women but not for men. Why? Because men are paying going in and coming out. And more women have been using it for vindictive purposes, than there are men who are trying to abdicate their responsibility. The only time I have seen it work the other way, is the case of Halle Berry and the loser bum she picked up and bred for. But she forgot that when it comes to Caucasian men, you will always lose in the end.

    In fact Mack, as the welfare payroll is about to be trimmed, you will see a lot more cases like this including more stringent enforcement.

  6. Mack says:

    Once again Nojma…once again…! You just landed a 90 yard pass straight into the in-zone with this one!

    I’ve been going through this with my ex-wife for a while now. The Child Support System in this country is nothing short of a new form of social welfare aimed directly at black women and poor white women. It’s a sperm tax. Which is another reason why more brothers are opting out of traditional marriages and child rearing: it costs men too damn much in the long run!

    And truthfully: it actually hurts more women than it helps. Not to say they can’t use the money. But it helps feed the selfish vindictive tendencies of emotionally stunted women, preventing them from being able to move beyond the man and truly heal.

    By attempting to punish the ex, they are punishing both themselves and their children in the process.

    That vindictive spirit is something that’s really biting sisters in the ass right now. Most truly don’t understand why ‘good black men’ don’t look their way for marriage, and all they seem to attract instead are the low-budget brothers with nothing to offer except more out-of-wedlock babies. Yet they fail to see how they’ve stunted themselves through anger and bitterness.

    And by virtue of the law of association: you attract what YOU are at the end of the day. Deadbeats attract other deadbeats.

    A bitter pill to swallow, but a truthful one all the same.

  7. Nojma says:

    Awww Sis! You didn’t have to do that here! Like I said, I just wanted to make sure my Sis was ok, that was important to me, because of the topic….again you didn’t have to post that here, and that touches my heart, which is a reflection of YOUR beautiful spirit Sis. I really appreciate the Sisterhood that we share. Much love to you Queen!

  8. natalie says:

    You have the most beautiful spirit. God’s light is all over you. I want to thank you publicly for all that you do in private. That was thoughtful of you checking on me. You truly exemplify sisterhood in more than your words but also action.


  9. Nojma says:

    @Natalie, yes mam because what you have shared about your nephew, I know this is very upsetting to you, as it upsets me as well.

  10. natalie says:

    This article is going straight to my email list!

  11. natalie says:

    You have no idea how infuriated I am to hear this!!! It is going to be a lot of upset sistas when the laws change. There is a growing chorus of voices pushing for reform and unfortunately these types f sistas will be blind sided because they have long benefitted from the rights and realities afforded them by law without any knowledge of the the growing trends that are away from these sort of entitlements. Its coming!! There have already been successful challenges to what had been the ststus quo of lifetime alimony. The new push with all these programs is towards support as a transition as opposed to a dependency trap.

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