(ThyBlackMan.com) Ladies many of us aspire to get married at some point in our life. However, sometimes we are in too much of a rush to get to the alter. Marriage can be a wonderful state, but it cannot fix hurt nor cover pain. Some of us come from family backgrounds riddled in abuse and/or abandonment. Though we may achieve success in other areas of our life relationships seem to bring past hurt to the surface. No one enters a marriage perfect, but certain issues must be resolved within self.
At some point we, as women, must deal with our mom issues, or father abandonment hurt. We must do these things so that we can be whole within ourselves for ourselves. Family pain, primarily with our parents, can affect how we treat a person in a relationship. Control issues, emotional detachment, fear of abandonment and insecurity are just a few of the things we would want to settle before entering a marriage. Getting married won’t fix any of these concerns. Yes, many of us believe our husband is superman…but he can’t always navigate pain and rage that can attack him at any time.
Sistahs there is a difference between being alone, and being lonely. Marriage does not cure loneliness. There are many people that are married, live in the same house, and sleep in the same bed as their spouse yet they feel completely isolated. When we get married we are no longer alone, but our spouse cannot fix deep rooted loneliness. It is up to us to find out why we are feeling, or allowing ourselves to be, isolated regardless of whose around us. Certain fears such as abandonment can lead one to feel loneliness even if that’s not the case. It is imperative that we understand why we erect walls that keep others out, and work towards positively channeling our emotions and feelings.
Many of us that have been in relationships prior to getting married that ended terribly. It is very important to take the time to process the hurt from past relationships, and be free of it. I know some say well that’s not necessary if my husband is Mr. Right. Absolutely wrong! He very well may be Mr. Right, but ladies if we see him through the eyes of what the men in our past have done we don’t see him.
If we aren’t careful we will see our husband through the eyes of our past hence tainting him in our mind. This will undo him as Mr. Right by no fault of his own. That’s not to say our spouse will be perfect, as we are not perfect. However, his mistakes must stand on their own verses being cloaked in that of another. Lets be real…we don’t want to pay for what the last woman did, and we will fight tooth and nail that it is not fair. Okay, one of the ways to avoid this is to get the hurt out of your system before getting married. Get it out before moving on to another. This is being fair to yourself, and your future.
My sistahs marriage is a beautiful thing. However, it requires a daily supply of understanding, forgiveness, commitment, selflessness, patience, compromise, discipline, walking in agreement and communication. When we cannot achieve these things for our own person, due to our past, we are truly incapable of giving it to another. Basically, marriage cannot fix what is broken in us. It is very important that each party is complete, whole and focus within themselves before entering into a marriage. Age nor family expectation should force us into that space before we are truly ready.
When we are complete we can also recognize when another is broken, and unprepared emotionally to be a spouse. We won’t allow ourselves to be forced into an unstable marriage. Entering into a marriage broken can be one of the most damaging things you can do to yourself, and if your expectation is that your spouse will fix it…you will hurt them. Let’s engage in healing to be our best person for ourselves. If one can take that route they will be better prepared to positively engage in marriage wholeheartedly.
Staff Writer; Christian Starr
May connect with this sister over at Facebook; C. Starr and also Twitter; MrzZeta.
Also via email at; CStarr@ThyBlackMan.com.
