(ThyBlackMan.com) We’ve all heard of her; she’s been crooned, immortalized and hyped since the beginning of the 1990’s as the strong, self-sufficient black woman. She’s appeared in film, literature and theater as the saving grace of the black family and the antidote to black male patriarchy. In the process, she’s become the star of African American post-modern folklore; there aren’t too many black families that don’t claim her as one of their own. She is the independent black woman, and when it comes to black men, there are no shades of grey – you either love her or you don’t!
So why are independent sistas feeling a lil hate on the part of black men in an era where we’ve supposedly advanced far enough in gender relations to respect the progress of black women? Can black men really handle this new breed of sisterhood?
The attitudes of black men regarding strong, successful black women seem to run the whole gamut – from a grudging acceptance to applause to outright rejection. Such attitudes persist even in the face of statistics that show a widening gap between how black women and men are faring in the American
How do black men deal with a woman who’s been raised to make it without him and how do black women – the ones who really want to love and be loved – reach out to men who feel this way?
Unfortunately, the line of demarcation is usually marked by economics. It is not sobering that black men and women tend to measure one another by economic means, as opposed to spiritual standards or by more common themes such as family values, work ethic and religious commitment.
There are plenty of brothers who honor and respect a woman who is at the top financially, professionally and spiritually. Sadly, though, there are far too many brothers who struggle with this reality. It’s mainly because of how we have been socialized to see ourselves as providers. We’ve been stripped of that role in a sense, not because women insist on being breadwinners, but because, in most cases, they didn’t have a choice! Unfortunately, brothers have occupied the bottom rung of the economic ladder when it comes to jobs. We tend to be the first fired and the last hired; overall, American employers shy away from hiring black men.
As a result of this role reversal, too many brothers either suffer in silence or exhibit hostility toward their more successful counterparts. Let’s face it brothers, our psyche has taken a beating due to this peculiar American experience. And so our reactions have more to do not with how much our women make, but rather how much we aren’t making in comparison. As a result, we focus on what we don’t want – to be judged by our wallets alone and whether we are financial equals. We then miss out on what we really want: a loving relationship in which our masculine identities and contributions are valued – what we bring to the table overall.
Add to this the I-don’t-need-a-man revolt that began in the 1990’s and many brothers are feeling the blues when it comes to relationships with successful women.
What we need, brothers, is a new way of thinking. We should attempt to understand that black women, successful or not, are also entangled in a system that has yet to afford them full acceptance in the marketplace. Not only that, we must accept that – regardless of how we’ve been socialized – times have changed.
Let’s not be locked into dictates just because it’s the way we were raised. Are you really going to toss and turn tonight because a woman offered to pay for dinner? Are you less a man because she makes more money than you? My answer: absolutely not!
Independent black women are here to stay! And, with the emergence in the last four years of Michelle Obama as the quintessential successful black woman, independent sisters are and will be a force for some time.
Finally, we need as black men to realize that – politics aside – our women do indeed need us, just like we need them. There are very few black women who do not need – as Stephanie Williams once crooned – ‘the comfort of a man’. Beneath the thin veneer of financial success, professional acclaim and spiritual bliss is an insatiable need to love and be loved by a man (emphasis on man) who will come correctly.
Take heart brothers! For every Michelle, there is a Barack! We can relate to our successful sistas and give them their just desserts. In doing, so we become models for a generation of men.
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Sorry to hear that @Matthews may he eternally live in peace. As long as he's in your heart his spirit will be with you. And yes it is a blessing to have come from that type of stock as well. To be honest me knowing I come from that type of stock is shy I am so demanding and won't accept anything less and it's also kept me alive. It's amazing to see there are men out here who don't demand respect. People think when you say deman it's a negative thing. A Woman demands certain respect just by the way she dresses. I've never seen a Woman who has been wrapped up be disrepsected. Not because it has never happened, but because it's a rarity. Men know when they see women dressed modestly, they are dealing with a different caliber of woman and the God in them won't allow them to disrepsect them. Their used to be times when these women could take the the most thuggish Man and open him upo to himself to his possibilities as a Man. Good women add confidence to their Men. Don't get me wrong you should bring that to the table as a Man but it also makes you even stronger when you feel your WOman has your back, and I don't care what color she is. That's science. Once again my heart goes out to you for your lost. By the way, if you don't mind me asking, what happened to him? Appreciate your openess know that was hard. Peace
@Ramses: Thank you. I came near to being the widow of the kind of Black man you describe... he passed at the age of 37, before we could be married. I mourned him for a year, wearing his favorite color on the beads in my hair for 12 full months. He was truly an excellent man in every way, and we had the kind of interaction that you describe. I count myself privileged to have glimpsed what the life of being the wife of such a man would have been.
But then, I descend from such men. I saw that growing up. That, too, is an inestimable blessing.
@ Deeann:
And THATS why I call you sister...
@Deanne....if you are not married I need for that to be taken care of seen....I'm willing a king to come your way. This is what these females are not getting....God's power is best represented by the unity of Man and Woman. Our people would do very well to study Egyptian culture to see how Black people did things on a supreme level in terms of the balance that was struck between the masculine principle and feminine principle. You have captured the essence of what real Men seek from their women. Submission based on a general level of respect. Men submit to Women as well, it's just different. To me the best way to show how much of a Man you are is your ability to take counsel from your Queen. The best Men pick great women that can give them wise counsel and are strong enough to take their advice when their idea seems better. Some men are so belligerent that they will take their women down a wrong path just because they want to be considered the "Man" and using their mates idea in their mind takes away from their manhood. Silliness. Sometimes a Woman's idea fits better. Not all the time but when it's presented, be Man enough to use her counsel. This is what Men are saying to black women. We're not perfect but damn there are plenty of us who are capable of being leaders. And when we present ourselves, the very same women who complain about the lack of good men run these men off feeling threatened by their notion of being a strong black woman being debunked. It's ok to feel intimidated by your men. That's nature. if your man doesn't intimidate you, and i don't mean violently, but makes your heart beat flutter, then there is a problem either with him or you. i remember when a female I was dealing with years a go said she was a lot to handle. I said "I don't want to handle you. You handle an animal. I just want to figure out how to co-exist with you so we can be together." This bull-headed mentality is exactly why females find themselves so unsuccessful with Men. This starts with your mothers. So-called mothers have taught their daughters how to screw men, but not how to embrace them. Therein lies the problem. So by the time she reaches adulthood, she thinks that all she has to do is a give a man some and that takes care of everything. Sadly this a prevalent thought by a lot of females. Man can't be superman all the time. What if he loses a family member and breaks down in front of you? Can you nurture him through that? I remember when i lost both of my parents and this female I was with was so insensitive to what i went through, i couldn't believe it. I thought this would bring us closer but I was mistaken. it was the one of the main reasons why I let her go and years later when she tried to get back with me I wouldn't even entertain being with her again. Not out of hurt but just the fact she was incapable of tapping into her nurturing side. What Man wants to with a Woman who does not have the ability to do that? Very sad that most females can't over stand, inner stand, this and are perplexed as to why they are single. Most dudes can shed tears around their male friends and get support more that they can with their women. All i can say step ya game up fast
I've thought a long, long time about this particular article since I commented the first time ... then last night I was up late talking with a brotha about the differences between independence and freedom, in the context of worship practices. Essentially, it boiled down to this: those in the church who are living "independently" of God think they are doing Him a favor when they show up for four hours a week (and remember, there are 168 hours a week in total) on Sunday morning, and when they get there they are concerned about whether they are getting what they need out of the service before they decide what they choose to give of themselves and their funds. Later on I realized two things:
1. People will never treat their peers, whom they consider either their equals or their inferiors, any better than they treat whatever they consider as their god
2. Most people in the Black church are women
Houston, we may indeed have a problem.
Then the brotha and I started talking about freedom in the worship context ... how is it that you meet some people in church who have so much joy, peace, compassion, and power? How it is that God seems to be showering them with the ability to be a blessing to everyone and everything around them, regardless of the particular circumstances? How is it that they are free -- free from worry, free from grumbling and complaining, free to give generously of what finances they have and of themselves not only to the church in the building, but to God's work seven days a week, wherever that might be? Answer: these people are submitting to God's will in every aspect of their lives (not just four hours a week), and are trusting God to keep his promises of blessing. These are not automatons; they are some of the most creative and "different" people you will ever meet. It seems that the one act of giving God His due as Creator, Redeemer and Sustainer -- as sovereign over their lives -- frees them up to be free of a lot of the drama the "independent" church folks can't seem to get out of, free to move out of energy-sapping spiritual patterns, free to move up into new opportunities for worship and service those who think they can do it all themselves never seem to find.
And then there are some new working arrangements for me: three brothas of serious, serious pull in their fields have hired me on for project work. They are all honorable men with honorable objectives; I know that I can trust them to do well by me as I do well by them. They are also kind, patient leaders; they know I am learning the jobs as I go, and provide a lot of support AND a lot of autonomy. Each man defines the objectives; how I allocate my time and a lot of my procedures within those bounds is up to me. There is, and, if I choose to keep working with these brothas, will likely always be a great deal of freedom, learning, and reward built into the work I am doing. But one thing is for certain: there will only be one leader in each of these working relationships, and it will not be me. That is the fact I must submit to in order to receive the opportunities these brothas are providing -- a small tradeoff, given the value of what I am learning and will be able to do in the future for myself and many others in exchange!
Everybody wants freedom, freedom to explore and use their many gifts and talents, freedom to be heard and valued, freedom to exercise their strength in a wide variety of spheres, freedom to love and be loved in return -- but many of us have gotten off track into "independence," which is a poor substitute, particularly since it is an illusion. No one is truly independent; no one made the oxygen they are breathing, the water that they drink, the sunlight that keeps the planet warm, or the planet itself. Everyone who has a job was given it by somebody else OR, if they created their own business, is still dependent on other people to sustain it (if there are no buyers, there will be no sellers). Everybody at some point needs a hand up... and no one will be young enough and strong enough for a lifetime to do what is necessary in this society to live alone for a lifetime. It cannot be done, neither by a man nor by a woman... all of us would therefore do well to give up on the idea that we are somehow independent of our Creator and each other.
By contrast, I have observed in both the spiritual and business realms: the way to be free to do and have one's very best in every circumstance is to find (or be ready to found by) honorable, competent, and thus legitimate authority and get under it -- it seems that protection, opportunities, resources, and reward start to flow that just don't come to those who insist on the pretense of "independence." Put another way: sometimes being "independent" means being able to do what you WANT independent of the protection, opportunities, resources, and reward you NEED to thrive in your life. That's a definition of being independent that is often overlooked...
I would not even attempt to "handle" a man who believes he can live independently of his Creator -- see the above definition of independence -- in fact, I wouldn't touch him with a ten-foot pole when considering a mate (or even a close friend; his delusion of "independence" might start to rub off). Therefore I can see why a good, strong brotha just wouldn't go for a sista whose attitude is that her achievements or accomplishments have put her into a position in which she can take him or leave him at will -- that she's independent of all men, so a particular man is just an option. One does not submit to the leadership of one's options; one will not be fully and freely blessed by someone who is merely optional. And so blessing often gets passed over for the sake of optionality, and true freedom missed for the illusion of independence ...
Hey! Black people. What are yall doing? Ramese and Sistah 2 Sistah. Both of you are the personification of division within the African American community. Now if this is what yall want, keep at it and excuse me for breaking in. But tell me this, how in the world have black people came to the conclusion that love can only be found in white people. Do yall know how silly and idiotic you look when you post negativity on your own race while uplifting the oppressor's race. How is it that you came to the conclusion that we are so bad for us and whites are so good for us? Sistah 2 Sistah, in my opinion is better for BW to be single and alone then to head over in mass numbers to men who will never understand our struggles as a people.
Ramses and all the others, you need to stop it with the long essays about how black women are so terrible and mean. The audacity of you to judge all black women by your personal experiences. Remember, YOU are what YOU attract. You are no better than the women you are writing long essays about.
To black men and black women on here who strongly believe that white people are their salvation. Please hurry up and go...just go. It's one thing to be in a interracial relationship because you truly love that person for who they are and not because they are white or nonblack. But it is another thing to diss your own race in the face of a white person just to make them feel secure with you. When you have a biracial daughter, how is that going to make her feel?
Men like you and women like Sistah to Sistah are doing nothing to build cohesiveness within the black community. Quite frankly, I am so ashamed of black people like you because you are making good black men and good black women look so bad. Let's not hang our dirty laundry out for all to see. Rather let us come up with solutions rather than adding to our problems.
There is hope yet, if we begin a movement for the betterment rather than the worse.
sure us black men could handle a black woman,but i prefer other races of women,much more easier to deal with ,much more pleasant,in my view better looking.i prefer to hear from other black men or a woman of another race because they can understand me alot better on this.black women need to accept black men that date outside their race,and yes if they black women want to date outside their race than so be it.i dont complain when black women are in interracial relationships,i think black women shouldnt complain when were in interracial relationships.
So many comments....
But I will just put it like this. My definition of an independent woman is simply one that can handle herself in absence of a man or other support; basically self-sufficient. Can an independent black woman be handled? Yes, but the question is whether or not an independent black woman wants to be "handled". I am saying that being "handled" is a decision. Follow me on this.....An independent woman decides that she wants to buy her own house, pursue another degree, or get her own nails done, then she does it. The same independent woman wants a man or is approached by a decent guy, and it becomes a hustle or over-complicated issue. For example, if the actions to show independence outweighs the desire to be loved and "handled", any guy attempting to court an independent woman has an uphill battle. My opinion....
@Mack appreciate it Family....yeah they definitely have it twisted out here...I'm about handling my business. Two things I noticed about them long time ago: one, black women aren't mature enough to receive criticism, no matter how wrong they are. Two: Even when they know they're wrong they fight you. The second one to me is the most heinous because so many fights and arguments could be avoided if they would just admit to their wrong in a lot of matters. We're not bashing when they're wrong we just want them to be mature enough to acknowledge when they are wrong, which is alot. I love business because it's about the bottom line and the bottom line black women are not getting it done. They think they are but it's so far from the truth. They really have no clue about their men whatsoever. I mean they are really clueless. You can tell them what you want from them and they still will be confused. Keep doing what you do....I give these young cats advice out here about the game like the OG's did us back in the day because they have no clue what they are up against. No man on the planet is facing the battle we're facing in this hemisphere. But as always the Nobility will rise to the occasion.
@ Ramses:
You said a mouth full homie! Couldn't agree with you more.
I've been on this site for close to a year now. Have several articles on it, and I read other articles all the time. Funny thing I've noticed: as long as the articles are condescending towards the brothers, the sisters for the most part are either silent as the lambs or in full raucous agreement. But the minute an article or comment is made that challenges sisters to step their dating game up, all of a sudden it becomes the War of the Roses!
It doesn't even have to be a condescending statement towards the sisters, but it will still get twisted as such.
There is a scene from the book The Last Battle from the Chronicles of Narnia series. In this scene, as the world around them is being destroyed and the possibility for a new and better world is being created right before their eyes, a band of rescued Dwarves are resistent to change. They are so distrustful of those who are there to help them that they refuse to change their selfish mindsets and attitudes to be able to enter into the new world. So they end up becoming stuck in a type of limbo, blinded by their own stubborn stance to all the good that lies before them.
And thats where many sisters find themselves at today: stubborn, blind, disloyal, stuck in limbo. Can't distinguish between a good man and one who's not good for them. There is none so blind as one willfully so.
Keep spitting the truth, inspite of the fact that most will deflect it with their false notions of being black Wonderwoman, using their bullet-proof 'truth deflecting' bracelets for protection. You can't really help or even enlighten those types. The cold reality of life just has to bite them hard in the ass.
But there are some on here who are ready for change. I know because they hit me up privately on my blog or via email and we chop it up. These are the ones I write to and argue for. With them and the next up and coming generation of sisters about to turn 18, we have hope once again...