(ThyBlackMan.com) We’ve all heard of her; she’s been crooned, immortalized and hyped since the beginning of the 1990’s as the strong, self-sufficient black woman. She’s appeared in film, literature and theater as the saving grace of the black family and the antidote to black male patriarchy. In the process, she’s become the star of African American post-modern folklore; there aren’t too many black families that don’t claim her as one of their own. She is the independent black woman, and when it comes to black men, there are no shades of grey – you either love her or you don’t!
So why are independent sistas feeling a lil hate on the part of black men in an era where we’ve supposedly advanced far enough in gender relations to respect the progress of black women? Can black men really handle this new breed of sisterhood?
The attitudes of black men regarding strong, successful black women seem to run the whole gamut – from a grudging acceptance to applause to outright rejection. Such attitudes persist even in the face of statistics that show a widening gap between how black women and men are faring in the American
How do black men deal with a woman who’s been raised to make it without him and how do black women – the ones who really want to love and be loved – reach out to men who feel this way?
Unfortunately, the line of demarcation is usually marked by economics. It is not sobering that black men and women tend to measure one another by economic means, as opposed to spiritual standards or by more common themes such as family values, work ethic and religious commitment.
There are plenty of brothers who honor and respect a woman who is at the top financially, professionally and spiritually. Sadly, though, there are far too many brothers who struggle with this reality. It’s mainly because of how we have been socialized to see ourselves as providers. We’ve been stripped of that role in a sense, not because women insist on being breadwinners, but because, in most cases, they didn’t have a choice! Unfortunately, brothers have occupied the bottom rung of the economic ladder when it comes to jobs. We tend to be the first fired and the last hired; overall, American employers shy away from hiring black men.
As a result of this role reversal, too many brothers either suffer in silence or exhibit hostility toward their more successful counterparts. Let’s face it brothers, our psyche has taken a beating due to this peculiar American experience. And so our reactions have more to do not with how much our women make, but rather how much we aren’t making in comparison. As a result, we focus on what we don’t want – to be judged by our wallets alone and whether we are financial equals. We then miss out on what we really want: a loving relationship in which our masculine identities and contributions are valued – what we bring to the table overall.
Add to this the I-don’t-need-a-man revolt that began in the 1990’s and many brothers are feeling the blues when it comes to relationships with successful women.
What we need, brothers, is a new way of thinking. We should attempt to understand that black women, successful or not, are also entangled in a system that has yet to afford them full acceptance in the marketplace. Not only that, we must accept that – regardless of how we’ve been socialized – times have changed.
Let’s not be locked into dictates just because it’s the way we were raised. Are you really going to toss and turn tonight because a woman offered to pay for dinner? Are you less a man because she makes more money than you? My answer: absolutely not!
Independent black women are here to stay! And, with the emergence in the last four years of Michelle Obama as the quintessential successful black woman, independent sisters are and will be a force for some time.
Finally, we need as black men to realize that – politics aside – our women do indeed need us, just like we need them. There are very few black women who do not need – as Stephanie Williams once crooned – ‘the comfort of a man’. Beneath the thin veneer of financial success, professional acclaim and spiritual bliss is an insatiable need to love and be loved by a man (emphasis on man) who will come correctly.
Take heart brothers! For every Michelle, there is a Barack! We can relate to our successful sistas and give them their just desserts. In doing, so we become models for a generation of men.
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No doubt @chas0x01
i've never met/dated a white woman, latina, or asian woman who asked me if i could 'handle' an independent woman.
i wonder why that is?
@ Sankofa: Bump!
@ K. R. Banner: While we may all be temporary inhabiting bodies of a particular race, we chose to experience life through these racially connected bodies for a reason. And the human race has not progressed to the point where we can all hold hands and sing kumbaya. The time may come when we can do all that: but it ain't now.
When you look around and see the apparent dysfunction, you can't just stick your head in the sand and live as though stranded on some island like Gilligan. This really isn't the time for rugged individualism. We are forced by proximity to co-create the world we desire to live in. And most of our co-creators are 'on one' right now.
Lets try correcting some of these irregularities within ALL humanity first; lest we repeat them in the future.
@K.R. Banner...perhaps you should ask "white people" that, since they were the ones who created this artificial designation and then trained us out of our cultural and ethnic identifiers to see us as "black" and "white". You are right that this is not good, but then as African people we are constantly bombarded by western un-civilization that we don't know whether we're coming or going.
@whateva and sista to sista... I am of the belief that a happy person is one who is comfortable doing the things that make them happy and would not throw their happiness in others face. Conversely an unhappy person who is deluded and bitter, because the shiny penny they seek soon loses its luster, tend to be mad at the penny, god for not sending more penny, they mad at the dollar for not being where the penny should be...they just mad. Few can be as irrational in their anger like the females, more so the knee-grow females.
I wonder why you two think you are important. What makes you think your pussy is of value. To quote a line from Jessie B Simple: "Pussy is just meat on a bone. You can suck it you can fuck it, you can leave it alone!" As both Mack and Ramses constantly say, stop hooking up with dusty dudes; learn to submit to one of us the same way you submit to the Caucasian. It's simple. Your pussy doesn't make you valuable, your attitude and character does. Oh! Also, stop bringing your bitterness over here, keep it over there where you claim to be most happy, talk to Bob about how these knee-grows aint shit...otherwise it seems like you are looking for attention here.
No doubt @KR Banner
@Whateva...your name says it all...lol
The reason why most Black women don't care that black men are with White women is becuz ur too trifling to worry about. My white friends tell me all the mess they have to deal with when they get with Black guys. You guys steal their money, put them in debt, beat on them, and u cheat twice as bad with them than you would have with us. NO loss bruh. Stay right where ur at cuz we don't want u anyway.
I often wonder why it is that so many human beings insist on defining themselves by skin colour. " I'm BLACK!". "I'm WHITE", etc. Really? Since the form we manifest is merely a temporary aparatus ( here today, gone tomorrow - literally! ) does it make any sense to:
A. Consider the body as the "self".
B. Consider one's skin as somehow a defining factor in what we are or aren't.
If you insist on thinking of yourself as a "Black" person, logically you'd better add in "temporarily" - " In my present form, I'm a male human being with Black skin, but that's only for seven or eight or nine decades. After that, I'll be something else!"
Of course, this goes for the :"Brotherhood" / "Sisterhood" silliness too. Wanting to group according to skin colour instead of developing as unique individuals really is silly, but those hypnotized by experiencing Reality with a human form almost always fall for it. Ho hum.
I am so sorry for coming upon this site so late! This is a wonderful platform for discussion, learning, and improvement! In my opinion, the current topic spawned from the words of William Lynch about 300 years ago ( http://www.lojsociety.org/Lets_Make_A_Slave_The_Making_Of_A_Slave.pdf) It was helped along by the explosion of the drug trade and exploitation of the Black community beginning back in the late 1960s.
It is quite amazing to me how far the Black race ascended in the first 100 years following the abolishment of slavery. Fighting through severe racism, brutality, and inequality, the Black race proved through loyalty to God and devotion to family that nothing was impossible. Spearheaded by Dr. Martin L. King, the spirit of a nation was elevated and became a beacon of light for the world. I guess that was just too much for a certain segment of America to handle. Since the assassination of Dr. King the wheels of the movement came off and it appears the focus of the Black race changed from community to self. The lure of making fast money selling dope within their own communities led to the breakdown of the Black family. With the men incarcerated or dead, the Black women were left to lead the family by default. God did not intend for that to happen. HE called men to be the head and not the tail. Men were designed not only to be the physical presence (head) but the spiritual covering for the family. But the tail many Black men became as they took their eyes off the true and living God only to worship another idol. Isn't it funny how there are more women in church today than men? I can see the tactics employed by our adversary and the devastation and havoc they have caused. As a people, we need to expand our view of this topic. Stop giving power to the tricks spoken by Willie Lynch and understand we need to return to our first love. This country was founded on Christian principles and in its growth and development God was cast aside. But it is not too late for the Black race to be the beacon of light for the world to see. We have a Black President and First Lady standing as examples of success in bussiness, in family, and in love.
To My Brother: God is calling you to assume your position as the head of your family just as Christ is the head of the Church. We must stand up as men in the reverance of God allowing Him to order our steps. We must learn to trust in HIM and lean not unto our own understanding. We must learn to trust in God and allow HIM to direct our destiny! When we do this, the respect we deserve from our women will return. Although Black women have attitude, they still want us to be in our rightful place so they can return to the position they were designed for: our partners, our lovers, our friends. RECOGNIZE THE PAIN YOU MAY HAVE CAUSED TO THE WOMEN IN YOUR LIFE. GO BACK AND GET THAT SITUATION CORRECTED SO YOU CAN MOVE FORWARD! PRAY WITHOUT CEASING!!!
To My Sisters: I hear you and feel your pain. If possible, I would apologize for all brothers for leaving you to fill shoes you were not designed to wear. Although you ladies filled them and made it work for a few generations, it is time to allow men to assume their rightful position. You can help make this transition a success by letting to of any anger, resentment, and hurt you are holding toward Black men (fathers, grandfather, uncles, brothers, husbands/lovers). See the attack of the enemy against our community. Speak life into our brothers, both young and old. Share the knowledge you have learned about this attack on our people and get involved in repairing the damage Black men and women have suffered. DON'T COMPROMISE YOUR STANDARDS OF WHAT YOU EXPECT IN A MAN! HOLD MEN ACCOUNTABLE FOR TREATING THEMSELVES WITH RESPECT SO THEY CAN TREAT YOU WITH RESPECT! STOP THINKING YOU CAN CHANGE A MAN THROUGH YOUR EARTHLY POWER. ONLY GOD HAS THAT POWER AND A MAN HAS TO COME TO GOD SEEKING THE POWER TO CHANGE. PRAY WITHOUT CEASING!!!