Take Time for Yourself When Moving On From Break Ups. : ThyBlackMan

Sunday, September 15, 2019

Take Time for Yourself When Moving On From Break Ups.

June 6, 2019 by  
Filed under Money, News, Opinion, Relationships, Weekly Columns

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(ThyBlackMan.com) Rejection is hard when it comes to work opportunities, relationships…the lottery. Breaking up and be harder. There’s an element of rejection there plus there’s the investment involved. In a relationship, you’re putting in time, you’re putting in emotion, and you’re putting in effort to keep everything together.

Now, this isn’t exactly true for all relationships, some you probably put in the effort to keep it together but wasn’t emotionally available 100-percent. You were probably emotionally available but probably didn’t put in the time as you should’ve. Those relationships are sometimes earlier ones and by the time you get to a recent one, you’re operating the best you can on all fronts.

But Things Happen

Each person is different which means each relationship is different. There are different needs and wants. Eventually, it’ll fray your nerves and try you. There could be times when you wonder if this is something you want to keep going. If you’ve missed out on other connections that would be more in-tune with what you can offer.

Infidelity could make your decision much easier—but you still invested quite a bit into that relationship. It’s an investment where all returns are supposed to be during the course of that relationship. Once it’s over you really don’t recoup anything. You’re just left with loses and memories.

Dealing With The Future After A Break Up

Uncertainty about the future can make you stay. A relationship is a work in progress but you shouldn’t view it as work.

See, when you’re at a job you hate, you might end up in two frames of mind. Complacency in that you’re getting a regular paycheck, you’ve invested months, years, maybe a decade into this job and you have nothing lined up. Why quit now and have deal with the uncertainty of when you’ll get another job.

Plus, you have financial obligations. Bills, services, fees, notes. That other mindset is “They got me f***ed up, I’m out!” You’ll throw caution to wind, quit, and having a plan B or plan C be damned! The thing with a break up is you might not have someone lined up, waiting in the wings. You’ll have to start from scratch and that doesn’t sound appealing.

Taking Time For You

Or do you? Do you really have to move on into something new? Couldn’t you just chill, do you for a while and entertain a relationship when you’re ready or when the right someone comes along? You very well could do that.

There’s this thing where it’s believed that men will simply move on to the next person after their previous relationship ends. Maybe a few weeks or a few months later, they’re with someone else and have already moved on while women will take the time to heal themselves the best they can before moving into something new.

I mean, honestly that’s the best option since no one wants to be in a relationship with someone who never recovered from their last relationship. There’s baggage there and that means more work for the new beau. Your role in helping that person should be in being with them and helping them enjoy this new relationship they have—without actively doing it. Your time together should be natural. You shouldn’t be playing therapist for someone getting over an ex even if you are a therapist.

Now, I often talk from personal experience. While it’s not true generally that Black men will just move on to someone new, there is some truth to it. There’s a whole thing among us that taking the time to deal with emotions and talking about it isn’t particularly masculine.

Of course, we talk about our emotions with our fellas in a different way. We might work out and discuss it, we might hoop, or watch the game, or play the game while discussing it casually. Then you have those of us who just discuss the damn feelings without anything extra.

Ultimately, it doesn’t matter how you get your feelings out, as long as it’s healthy and harms no one else or yourself. You don’t want to head into another relationship without discussing and addressing what messed you up from your previous one because that carries over as baggage. It can create resentment and bitterness.

Taking the time to do address all of that is all part of taking time for yourself. Don’t be afraid to be alone for as long as you need to. You’ll be a much better partner than you were last time because you worked your issues out.

Staff Writer; M. Swift

This talented writer is also a podcast host, and comic book fan who loves all things old school. One may also find him on Twitter at; metalswift.

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