Black Woman, When Love Hurts. : ThyBlackMan.com

Wednesday, September 3, 2014


Black Woman, When Love Hurts.

October 18, 2012 by  
Filed under News, Opinion, Relationships, Sista Talk, Weekly Columns

(ThyBlackMan.com) As little girls we all dream of the house, husband and picket white fence. We have that vision emblazed in our minds and we hold on to it well into our adult lives. Living, each day praying and hoping that true love comes. And for many of us true love or what think is love period can prove to be deadly.

I can remember like yesterday the very first time he hit me. I cried and was deeply hurt I couldn’t believe some one who I loved and said they loved me had struck me with such violence and force my mouth began to bleed profusely. He didn’t bat an eye as he walked out the front door securing the  key to the deadbolt he locked me in with no way out. I was three months pregnant. Hurt and confused I laid there for hours in the dark crying and trying to make some sense out what had just happened. There was none to be made.

When he returned a few hours later he was so sweet, caring and apologetic. He  kissed my bruised mouth and promised to never hit me again. That was a promise he would break numerous times during the course of our relationship. I should have taken my son and left but I wanted to believe him and keep our family together. I didn’t want to be another statistic a single black woman with two kids and no man so I stayed.

I would live in fear of a man who said he loved me for more than a decade. The beatings would become worst and more frequent. I would become an investor In Fashion Fair Cosmetics buying concealor and foundation to hide the black eyes and bruises that came along with the beatings. I would tell no one of the abuse I was receiving at home. Yet, my friends, family and co-workers knew. What I thought was a secret was knowledge. I was a battered woman.

I found myself alone and depressed, and pregnant again.  Outside of the children and work I had nothing else. I became despondent not living but merely existing going thru the motions and feeling trapped in an abusive relationship. How could you be in a relationship and still feel alone? Wasn’t he supposed to be the one I could go to? No one to talk to and nowhere to turn. I couldn’t tell my friends that at night I became a punching bag. I gained a tremendous amount of weight as food became my comfort and was ridiculed for such. This I would later find out would be his reason for cheating. I was fat and undesirable.

Not only would I endure beatings and verbal abuse there was the womanizing and the accusation of outside children. There were women, calling our home with animosity and blatant disrespect. Many times they wouldn’t wait to make sure it was me who answered the phone and cuss one of our daughters out. I would then resort to violence protecting what I said was my home, but I knew deep inside I was fighting for a man who clearly meant me no good.

I think about it now and I think the thing that hurt the most was his family condoned such behavior and even protected his infidelities using the excuse it was not their business. But, how could it not be when our children were suffering? I was wearing down, finally! Enough had become enough.

I started planning how I would leave, I was officially done! I began going to bed fully dressed, the thought of him touching me sickened me. I began to fight back with ferocity of a caged lion, it became clear to me if I stayed one of us would die and I was determined for it not to be me. I took my three kids and left vowing to never be in that situation again. I lied.

After being away from him for a year and getting back what I thought was my life I took him back. But, this time it would be me who would cheat. I clearly didn’t love him anymore, but wanted the children to have their father.

Then I met a man who gave me hope again. He told me I was beautiful just as I was. He gave me back my confidence and self esteem. Something I had allowed my ex to beat out of me. He gave me the strength and the courage to walk away for good. He gave me back me!

I sit here now and reflect back on that time in my life. It was a dark place full of despair and hopelessness. I was in love with a man who didn’t know how to love me. I gave him everything and asked for nothing but love in return. When I left him after thirteen years of abuse I was what I fought so hard not to be, single, black with three children and no man. Today I am a vibrant secure woman looking back on my life and celebrating because of who I was I am who I am today. What I experienced taught me if he hits you once he will hit you again. It’s a vicious cycle often ending in death. If he hits you he doesn’t love you, because love doesn’t hurt.

Staff Writer; Camilla Denise Barton

Feel free to connect with this talented writer via Twitter; 1Passion8Diva.

 

 

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Comments

21 Responses to “Black Woman, When Love Hurts.”
  1. Ramses says:

    Damn Kells I feel yur pain brother….I think having some type of family counsel may help if there are family members on both sides you both respect. They do this stuff in the court system, which started in our families first because our families is our first court. Honest dialog about one’s feelings are key. Each party should have the space to express their concerns, no matter how much it might hurt the other party. It seems like you care for her and sometimes a warm embrace can do wonders in terms of opening a dialog. A lot of times females are mean because they really do love you and their pride won’t accept the fact that your presences has opened their heart, when they had planned on keeping it closed (note Deborah Cox song). The prospects of Love, I’ve learned frightens a lot of women out here. Sometimes the women have low self-esteem of themselves and don’t believe they deserve love. It’s crazy. You might can’t change her, but you can let her know how much you want things to work and what your expectations are as far as having a family is concerned. Let her know how important it is for you to keep your family intact. I pray that this is important for her as well and if it is, I’m hopeful a resolution can be reached. Relationships work when the focus is not about winning arguments and more about solving the issues when they present themselves. Let her know emphatically that your children are not in competition with one another. There is enough Love to go around for everyone in a family structure is people are willing to give it. I definitely don’t want to see you or your family crumble so early in this new year and let your queen know we are pulling for you’ll to get it together because we need strong families. I send my love and prayers towards your family and I want it to change for the better so your Queen can feel protected and you can be fulfilled and nurtured the way you should be as a Man. Some women can lash out like wounded animals, even though they are with a Man who has their best interest. Let her know if you make a mistake, it’s not because you’re like the previous Man that was in her life. You should be able to make your mistakes freely and be judged for them based on it’s just you. Not be compared to someone she previously was in a relationship with. It’s unfair to you and the health of your family moving forward. You have feelings too and it’s nothing weak about you expressing them in an honest and respectful way. I know you’ll can work it out. Honest dialog is everything. peace and love family

  2. @ Kells

    Hey Brother I don’t have experience in this area, but you would usually speak to a minister or someone in the health field or an older couple who have been married for a long time. Based on their experience, they may be able to help you. If anybody has any other ideas or help in this area, please help this Brother. He is asking for our help. You should be commended for hanging in there Brother Kells

    Black Unity means financial independence and happiness

  3. Kells says:

    I have been with this young lady for less than a year, she is not telling me something about her constant anger, we fight 90% of the time party because she is pregnant but I believe mostly it’s because she has some hidden pain/anger. She has a child I have a child but she does not like my daughter. She feels my daughter get too much attention and that I feel my daughter is smarter than her son but the fact is my daughter is a 3 year old and her son is two. She is in daycare he is not so they are two separate individuals. I having a hard time reasoning common sense with her, I don’t know how to argue effectively I don’t always remember my points. Please help me

  4. @ Steph

    I don’t have a column, but I’ve written a couple of articles on this site, just type in my name for them. My main focus is in promoting my book, Black Unity: The Total Solution to Financial Independence and Happiness. I really believe this is the direction we should be heading in. Thanks for the complement.

    Black Unity means financial independence and happiness

  5. Steph says:

    Thanks for the information Terrance. By the way, I read many of your comments on this website and they are very interesting. You should be a columnist.

  6. @ Steph

    Here is a link that talks about the different rights of passage ceremonies in Africa. We have adopted some of these, but I would like to see a national program for our people, based on African principals, but connected to what we need here in America.

    http://www.africanholocaust.net/ritesofpassage.html

    Black Unity means financial independence and happiness

  7. Steph says:

    Message to Terrance Amen,

    Can you share with us more information about the rights of passage ceremonies?

  8. Steph says:

    I would like people to know that women can be very violent. My mom has been violent toward me since the age of 4. Later, in life I worked in a very unhealthy environment. Most of the co-workers were women and many were psychologically violent. It has been one of the worst experiences of my life. One of our co-workers who was a female killed herself and wrote a letter to our employer before she died. They kept it as a secret, so nobody knows the full content of the letter!!! When I was going to complete my law degree, a powerful racist person in the law faculty, a woman has been psychologically violent toward me because she didn’t want me to finish my studies. I went through hell with women and I don’t believe anymore in feminism. I strongly recommend to people to watch the movie Geisha. I could totally identify with the main character. The director of this movie is a man and he truly understands the psychology of women. Even if the story happens in Japan, it is a universal story.

  9. WOW
    Thank you, Sister Camilla for sharing one of your deepest experiences. As a Black man I’m very sad to hear too often stories like these. As I write this, a brother killed 3 people, including his self and injured even more. I believe his wife was there as well. I believe a lot of these problems stem from Black men not having responsible, caring, respecting, protecting, and loving fathers in their lives to be an example to emulate. You could also say the same for Black women who don’t see a positive Male figure to know how to be treated.

    Unfortunately there is a history of this, which I believe stems all the way back to slavery. In Africa we had rights of passage ceremonies to teach our children how to behave. I think we need to apply these same teachings again in our community. Speaking of community, it is also sad that no one intervened to help you, even though people knew. This is also a sad story. But we have to break away from this individual mindset that is not ours and once again think as a community. Yes individually we have been successful, but as a community, it’s in word only.

    Black Unity means financial independence and happiness

  10. yis'sh'yah says:

    CLUELESS!!!! THESE ARE THE CURSES SPOKEN OF IN DEUTRONOMY WHETHER BLACK FOLKS WANT TO ADMIT IT OR NOT THE LAST 400 YEARS THE HAND OF YAH/GOD HAS BEEN ON US TO BREAK OUR STIFF NECK WAYS LEARN MORE AT YAHSPEOPLE.COM HEBREWISRAELITES.ORG MAY YAH BE WITH YOU

  11. IM A WARRIOR. says:

    I LIKE AND APPRECIATE YOUR STORY I THINK THAT WAS VERY BRAVE OF YOU AND I TIP MY HAT TO YOU CUZ YOUR STORY CAN INSPIRE AND HELP SOMEONE ELSE, I CAN TRULY SAY THAT YOU HAVE GIVEN ME COURAGE TO TELL YOU MY STORY…IT AMAZES ME OF HOW SIMILAR OUR STORIES ARE EXCEPT MY HUSBAND WASNT PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE UNTIL THE DAY THAT I LEFT CUZ HE DID FINAL SLAP ME AND I LEFT AND NEVER LOOK BACK BUT HE WAS VERY VERBALLY AND MENTALLY ABUSIVE TO ME AND OUR CHILD, OUR CHILD WAS VERY SCARED OF HIM. HE WAS AN ACOHOLIC AND HIS SISTERS DIDNT LIKE ME AND ALWAYS UPHOLD HIM IN ANYTHING THAT HE DID INSTEAD OF TELLING HIM TO DO THE RIGHT THING BY HIS WIFE AND CHILD CUZ THEY HAD ALOT OF INFLUNCE OVER HIM. WHEN I COULDNT GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHILD BCUZ OF MY HEALTH ISSUES HE WENT AND HAD ANOTHER CHILD OUTSIDE OF OUR MARRIAGE IF THATS NOT ADDING INSULT TO INJURY, I WAS WITH HIM OFF AND ON FOR ABOUT OVER 20YRS. IM SO GLAD TO SAY THAT IM A SURVIVOR JUS LIKE YOU… WE ARE QUEENS OF THE MOST HIGH AND DESERVE TO BE TREATED AS SUCH THX FOR SHARING YOUR STORY.

  12. anna says:

    You should forward this to rihanna

  13. Kimberly McClellan says:

    WOW! All I can say is: I’ve been in those shoes, but not for 14 years………My only comment is: AND THEY OVERCAME BY THE WORD OF YOUR TESTIMONY!!!!…WOmen and young girls need to hear this……OH and BTW Ladies if you find yourself in this type of situation, LEAVE ASAP!

  14. Ms. Shay says:

    Camilla, thank you for sharing. I am following you on twitter to see what you spring on us next. Did that thang say you was desperate? Oh seen your picture on your twitter and you are one hot mama! Dont listen to her. Wasnt BlackBeauty a horse? LMAO

  15. Camilla Denise Barton says:

    BlackBeauty All though I do not feel a need to defend my story I will say this. I expected to read such negative comments on such a sensitive situation. If I could not handle the opinions of others no matter how ignorant and immature I would not have shared my story for that reason alone. Today I am a 47 year old woman capable of having a solid and healthy relationship. Unlike many who have experienced less than I. Desperate? By no means! I am not moved by what you would have done because you were not faced with this particular situation. Fourteen years ago I was a different woman than I am today. And I would like to think that many of you have evolved and matured all though the writings on the wall may not reflect such. Would have been easier for you to except if I had shared with you how violent my attacks against his person became? Trust at 6’2 I did not take it sitting down!! You are entitled to your opinions and I respect them. Please show the respect that is due to each individual who chooses to comment. You know my name, but not my story!

  16. Jan says:

    Ms. Barton,

    Your story was very insightful. Your story shows that there is more to it that just sitting back and taking abuse. There are other things to consider like children, having a roof over your head, money and fear. However, your story shows that all of those things can be overcomed but it take time, perserverance, determination and hope.

  17. Mac says:

    To all of the lovely ladies, I am so sorry that there are women who are suffering abuse at the hands of their husbands or significant others.

    These men do not deserve the love and loyalty that they receive. I can only imagine the obstacles that women face when trying to leave these men. Fear, shame, lack of money and lack of protection from the legal system are the reason that many women stay.

    Restraining and protection orders usually don’t work. Many woman with restraining order have been maimed or murdered. Court orders are not bullet proof vests.

    Remember the woman in Maryland who estrained husband when to her job and poured gasoline on her out of a Sprite bottle and set her on fire?

    Abusive men are not crazy. They know exactly what they are doing which is why those same men won’t buck up against another man.

    Ladies there are still more of us good men out there that will love and cherish you. Seek information from your community on what steps that you can take to get you out of an abusive relationship.

    Whatever you do, don’t take BlackBeauty’s advice. Violence will only take you down to his level and who will take care of your children while you are in jail. Getting help not a felony record is the answer.

  18. Deeann D. Mathews says:

    In my family, there are women that killed their abusive husbands, and each successive new crop of men marrying in has heard the stories and has behaved well (duh)… but for the women involved, that was a solution born of not knowing there were other options, and a solution that caused as many problems as it solved. It is better to leave; a dead man on one’s conscience is a heavy load.

  19. Jazzy says:

    BlackBeauty, your comment is very immature. It’s easy to say what you would do but talk is cheap. You stated that you would tell him that “you will heat up a pot full of hot, boiling oil and pour it down his throat or even his nostrils, or his penis/nuts while he sleeps.” You are an idiot. Your solution would get you at least 4-12 years in prison.

    Search the internet and you will find databases that list women in prison and some on death row for killing or inflicting serious injury on their abusive husbands or boyfriends.

    Haven’t you heard of saying “fore warned is forearmed?” In other words what if he does it to you first?

    Being in an abusive relationship is like grief. Being in an abusive relationship has 7 stages like grief.

    1. Shock or Disbelief – You can’t believe that the person who promised to love and cherish you would hurt you.

    2. Denial – What the . . .? Something must be wrong because this can’t be happening.

    3. Fear – I want to leave but where will I go, how will I take care of myself and the children? What if he comes after me?

    4. Bargaining – Maybe if I try harder he will stop.

    5. Guilt – Maybe it’s my fault

    6. Depression – I don’t know what to do.

    7. Acceptance – I don’t care what happens. I’m outta here.

  20. chosenone says:

    I commend this sista! Thank you for sharing your story. It is so easy for us to say what we would do if it happened to us. You dont know till you live it. Ignore the ignorant comments cause you are going to get them. I gurantee all the stuff they say they would do they wont lolol most wont even bust a grape in a fruit fight.

  21. BlackBeauty says:

    If in fact a man hits/hurts you, and you feel it is just a one time/he lost his mind thing, and you feel he may worthy (won’t work for me because all a man would have to do is just look like he wanted to hit/hurt me, and I would be gone), all a woman has to do is tell him that if he ever hit her again he would not be able to close his eyes again in peace because you will heat up a pot full of hot, boiling oil and pour it down his throat or even his nostrils, or his penis/nuts while he sleeps, and I bet you that he will not do it again unless he is crazy!

    Put the fear of GOD in his azz and I bet he will think twice! Most will become very afraid of you! LOL! LOL!

    These men who act in this manner are nothing more than sick cowards, and the women who allow them to get away with this are either crazy, or so desperate for a man that they will accept any type of treatment from him.

    A woman with self respect would not allow it, nor would she even be in that type of situation in the first place!

    A man will usually give you many signs that they are off balance in some way, however many women refuse to see or accept it.

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