Sunday, June 7, 2020

Ok Black Woman… Hate Yourself…

July 11, 2012 by  
Filed under News, Opinion, Relationships, Sista Talk, Weekly Columns

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( Every morning I wake up and wonder why I don’t hate myself. It’s been a feat these 25 years to not loathe what I see in the mirror especially when everything around me is telling me I’m not good enough the way I am.

I turn on Disney and the youngest stars are subliminally encouraging me to succumb to the Indian Remy. Flaunting, flossing and flinging hair that is not their’s just like their less pigmented co-starts.

I flip through the pages of the leading women’s magazine and in the back are not so buried ads to lighten dark spots or bleach my entire skin. Products to make my nappy natural more curly and textured, or to go all the way straight because that’s the only way to be dark and lovely.

But that’s just the tip of the iceberg. You don’t have to leave the house for this mild hate and condescension. How a Black woman manages to make it through the day without breaking down in tears is a miracle. A trip to the grocery store may net you the groceries you need but you may walk out leaving your self esteem. The assault by smiling face after smiling face on the cover of every magazine telling you how to lose the baby weight, or just get slim and trim in  10 days; Kim K did it and you can too. Brighten your smile by whitening your teeth, step up your style with the latest fashions from Givenchy, and don’t forget your shoes. Long heels. Red Bottoms. And don’t forget every Black woman’s gripe. The mess God gave her on top of her head.

No matter what we have we want something different. Too thin we want thickness. Too thick razor it thin. Too long we want short cuts. Won’t grow pass the chin then sew 22 more inches in. We’re taught from birth our hair is our crowning glory. Mega-sized barrettes on a tiny ponytail puff in the center of our head at two months old. Hard candy colored balls hanging on to swinging braids and twists by the time we hit the first day of school. Press and curls and first perms for picture day and Easter and by the time we hit our teens we’ve traded bows for braids, barrettes for a sock bun, and on special occasions a little yaki no one can touch, and cannot get wet under any circumstances ever. Matter of fact just don’t move. And remember to sleep pretty with a satin scarp and your hands under your chin.

Our hair issues become our men’s hair issues. They make a game of calling the weave of the celebrity on TV. Wondering why they can’t be all up in your head. Dude, really, do you need to feel my scalp every day. Dang.

But the hair hang ups persist and are only superseded by perpetual singleness. You start dating at 16 and four years later you’re told you’re behind the curve because you haven’t been looking for Mr. Forever but only for Mr. Fun right now. Hearing the marriage clock tick from an imaginary band you throw yourself into more women’s magazines and men’s mags too.

Squats check. Lunges check. Situps, crunches, planks. Check, check and check. You sweated out your hair, but refuse to go in water because it can’t get wet. Worked hard on your body but left your mind behind, still susceptible to the perception that blondes have more fun, red heads are easy to bed and both these colors are better than the bland brown you were born with.

All of this taken with a stroll pass the magazine aisle in the grocery store. Oprah tells you to live your best life while running from her life’s truth. Self is selfless. More is less, and Cosmo wants you to V H L your way through life because that’s what your man likes.

As if you even have a man.

Black women it’s 2012 and we’re still getting bashed on for being single. And don’t let us have a baby to boot but no husband, or male constant, just a baby-daddy then we’re the scum of the Earth. The villain. The whole heart of what is wrong with Black America. We’re scientifically the most unattractive people on the planet only good to “Booty Pop” and drop it to the floor girl, lower lower, but not good enough to be called wife. Or even woman. Just Bitch, cause we bad. And if we’re being referred to as ladies it’s only in the sage advice to Think Like a Man.

Black women we are the center of life and yet despised by our own and others at the same damn time. Criticized for walking around with our head high. Told to get over ourselves if we seem too proud. Told to change ourselves if we happen to appreciate our unique beauty. Told we hate ourselves if we change anything. And when measured next to any other nationality’s beauty are lucky to come in a close second.

We are only our parts and the whole is never greater. Our hearts never beat louder, our love never bigger, our ass never rounder, our breasts never more perky, our eyes never enough hazel, our complexion not enough cafe au lait. We are surrounded by hate, yet embody love.

It’s a magician’s trick I tell ya. A flip of the mirror, a walk through the fun house, pulling a rabbit out of a hat or a quarter from behind the ear. That’s the only way to explain existing in a world where on a daily basis messages bombard you with hate, disagreement, everything negative and never a-me-ment. It’s a wonder being a Black woman and not hating myself, loathing the life I was given and longing to be something else.

Holly GoLightly, Genevieve Forbes, Scarlett O’Hara or Sarah Jane.

But I’m a Black woman. Far from being plain. Ignoring the hate. Disregarding the change myself advice. And with the souls and sensibilities of my sistas giving a big Eff you to magazine makers, music booty rump shakers, actors, and actresses, cat callers and hecklers.

You may hate me, and it’s a wonder I don’t hate myself.

But you can wonder on because I’m so over you and all the way into me.

Now how do you like them apples.

Staff Writer; Nikesha Leeper

To connect with this sister feel free to visit; Change Comes Slow.


14 Responses to “Ok Black Woman… Hate Yourself…”
  1. Val Makoto says:

    If a black woman has her daddy play a pivotal role in her life, she doesn’t grow up to hate herself… She grows up to be the wonderful, pretty, smart, feminine energy that she was born to be; If her father is a true man, he gives her the confidence to deny the bullshit of western society, forever…

  2. Shane says:

    Hi. I was wondering who the lovely lady that was in the photo? Thank you!

  3. Dcarter910 says:

    This is a cyclic issue. The cycle just keeps going on and on. The hurt, insecure young black woman put on a false attitude of bravado to hide their insecurities and at the same time alienate themselves from the men that love them. The men that love them respond to their insecurities by turning towards other lighter skinned women and so the darker sisters then have a child out of wedlock by a man that gave them just enough attention to get them to lay down with them and the cycle starts all over again. Some suggestions for a solution:

    1) Older Mature Brothers: Any young black woman in your family or any young black woman you happen to come across from time to time, make it a habit to compliment them on their beauty. Just a simple “you look beautiful my sista, I love your hair and skin” is enough. When our sistas are used to hearing that, especially in the presence of other races and black men then we have taken a step forward.

    2) Older Mature Sistas: Any young black woman in your family or any young black woman you happen to come across from time to time, make it a habit to compliment them on their beauty. Just a simple “you are a beautiful sista of mine, I love your hair and skin”. When our sistas are used to complimenting each other especially in the presence of other races, it shows that we do love each other as a race, unlike those women on The Real House Wives of Atlanta/Basketball wives.

    3) Make it a habit to educate yourself and children on what it means to be black, no just our skin color but our heritage and culture (American and African). Turn off the T.V. and make your children turn off their video game. If your children or you yourself only read one black historical book a year, that’s 5 books in 5 years or 10 books in 10 years. It’s enough to be a “self-proclaimed black historian”.

    4) Last but not least: Never, Ever, EVER…use skin color or Afro-centric features as a put down. Not to family, friends and especially your kinds. (ie. Yo mama so black or yo lips so big..). Our features are never to be used for put downs. When was the last time you heard a white person say…”your mama soooo white… or your daddy lips soooo thin… or your sister hair sooo stringy…? They dont joke about their physical features nor does any other self respecting race…only African Americans.

    Those are just for starters. The reasons and excuses have been addressed, readdressed and re-readdressed. The reasons and excuses are so well “dressed” that truth and action are left naked.

  4. toomanygrandkids says:

    Another reality is that even black women on television have stated that they feel/felt ugly at some point in their lives. Before appearing on tv, black girls/women are told/given the impression that she’s ugly and/or not accepted by other black girls/women. Just like the regular, ordinary girls/women who aren’t seen on tv. There are older black women who call young girls ugly. I heard grandmothers call and refer to their own granddaughters as ugly and black. I know those little girls were hurt because it hurt me and I was grown. That’s when I want to smack these ghetto grannies in the mouth. Because the hatred that comes out the mouths of these old broads is very hurtful and damaging. Could be these older females were told the same thing so they put young girls through it. And the cycle of self-hate continues. It’s not the media or magazines I blame this hatred on.

  5. Ramses says:

    @Mack you know I agree 100% with this Family. You can tell these females are not really real with their religious views. They claim to be into the Word of God but completely do the opposite of it. It’s always “my preacher said this.” Or “my preacher said that.” I say what does the Law (Natural Law) say. Natural Law does not tell a Woman to rebel against herself, because it will lead to confusion. Natural Law will tell a Woman not to rebel against Man, especially physically, because she could get hurt. Yet they do it. Why? Because Man Made law (which in this country is bati boy law) says you can’t hit a Woman, even though we are not dealing with Women, for the most part, but beasts. So what do you do with beasts? You attempt to tame them. Man made law says it’s ok to rebel against Man, but these same Women claim they believe in The Divine Architect of the Universe? Now that’s blasphemy. The scripture said “obey your husbands.” The word is meant for a reason.

  6. Mack says:

    Ramses said: “Black women are not despised by their own because their black: their being despised for their behavior. There’s the difference.”

    I wasn’t even going to jump in this one, but the temptation was too great. That quote up above sums it up in a nutshell. If it seems that some black men have decided to boycott sisters, its for that reason above any other. You can’t claim a status in life you haven’t earned. That’s called being fraudulent. Sisters back in the 60’s and 70’s were the bomb! And they earned the title. They were the epitome of feminine grace, loyalty, beauty. Skin tone played no part in this either, as the darker the sister, the more exotic and beautiful she was considered to be.

    So what happened?

    I’ll tell you: sisters started behaving differently. They bought into the fallacy that black men were no longer needed. Which is dumb as dipshit because if it takes a man to get pregnant, then certainly God intended the man to have primary assistance in raising what comes out of you 9 months later. Then they bought into the lie of being superior to black men. Which is even more bull blow. How can you be superior…no scratch that…why would you even WANT to be superior to your man, when everything about your femininity really wants to serve him? If you have a man you can control, you’d lose every ounce of respect for him. Tell me I’m wrong ladies.

    A lady friend of mine asked me one day “Whatever happened to getting to know a lady first?” My response: “You didn’t introduce me you your ‘person’ first; you introduced me to your body. Skin tight jeans, low cut shirt, more shake and wiggle than a Vegas call girl. If you wanted me to know YOU, then you should try letting me meet your mind before meeting your behind.”

    No ones going to see your outer beauty if you can’t see your inner beauty. Hiding behind elaborate hairstyles and dressing skimpy-tight can’t hide from the discerning eye the insecurities you secretly harbor within. I leave you with these wise words:

    “Your beauty should not come from OUTWARD adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your INNER self, the unfading beauty of a GENTLE and QUIET spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.

    “For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves.

    -The Holy Bible (1st Peter 3:3-5)

  7. Ramses says:

    This is such an interesting article. This feel sorry for black women thing is so unhealthy and not based in reality. The one thing I like about the beauty issue is that it deals with the inside and outside. As a woman preparing herself for the day, when she looks in that mirror, this act forces her to look at herself inside and out because what you feel on the inside is what you will project on the outside. And therein lies the problem. The author puts too much responsibility on the media for black women and their image of beauty. Seriously? I mean you are looking to an industry, that hires people (industrial psychologists) to come up with ways to get women (not just black women) to feel bad bout themselves so they will go out and buy products that will make them feel good about themselves. Women are looking towards the wrong to make themselves feel good about themselves. I mean have any of you watched America’s Next Top Model? Do you see what these females are put through to win? And furthermore, you’re looking at an industry that’s ran by homosexual males as the oracles of beauty! That’s sick! First and foremost, black women need to get out of the media. Stay out of magazines. Stay out of tv (reality shows especially). Stay out of music, especially this filth out here now. You are allowing garbage to come in and internalizing it and then getting mad at other people for your internalization of these notions. Let’s be clear: if you are an attractive woman, you will be approached by men all the time. Now the problem with a lot of black women is that they want to be the apple of every man’s eye. You can’t be. You are not going to be everyman’s cup of tea. I know that I am an attractive Man but I know some women prefer light skin men. Does that make me feel bad? Hell no! Why? Because I know there is a Woman out there for me. All I need is one. Same thing for black women. All you need is one. Every woman has a limit to her possible suitors and the older she gets the more it lessens. So instead of focusing on what the media is doing, focus on what you are doing when these possible suitors come your way. Are you pure of thought and heart? Are you loving? Do you lover yourself (the most important). Do you want a stable family environment? These are the things that matter when it comes to a Man valuing you long term. Yes your attractiveness is important, but only in terms of the initial approach. It’s the gateway. After that, you have to prove your value through you conversation and values. Black women are not despised their own because their black: their being despised for their behavior. There’s the difference. Your article makes it seems like black women have no responsibility in their present condition and it’s so untrue. It starts with the woman every time. Men ultimately decide who they approach, but women have a say in the matter in terms of how they present themselves in the first place. What women don’t realize (especially black women) is that your presentation is everything to a Man. It’s like the mating call itself. If it’s not presented with class, then you will attract what you put forth. This is what I call spiritual science. Black women spend so much time focusing on their physical selves, they neglect the most important aspect: Spirit. And then get mad when they are rejected. Look at you most famous entertainers in the media are doing (Beyonce, Rihanna, Nicki Minaj). What respectable Man would want a woman who mimics what these demonic beasts project (and there are a lot of women who want to be just like these clowns). The media is notorious for starting trouble. We all should know that. But you don’t have to buy into what the media sells you either. That is a personal choice. The media is not giving black women a bad name. It’s black women who are giving themselves a bad name. If you are a mother, the last thing you should allow your daughters to have is a twitter account, facebook, instagram and whatever crap that comes out next because it is a trap. When you have 14 year old girls like Amber Cole (idol is amber rose) putting video footage of her giving her boyfriend an oral transaction on her twitter page thinking it’s cute, then you know there are some serious issues out here. Take away the beyonce, the nicki minaj, rihanna, and all of this filth that does not help these young females out here. That’s what women should do if they care about other black females so much. It’s not the media’s job to get you to love you; it’s their job to get you to hate yourself but it needs your help. Black women are media addicts. Addicted to drama like it’s crack. Plenty of websites out here prove this. And even when some black women have the courage to tell other black women to focus on self, and not outside of yourself, they get so much negative feedback it’s ridiculous. Government programs can’t solve your self-esteem issues. Magazines can’t either. And we all know, even with the bravado in this article, that black women have a lot (and i mean a lot) of self esteem issues. I’ve always loved natural black women, the dark ones especially, but my success rate with them has been miniscule to say the least. So for all the hate you say that’s out here towards black women, it has never came from my direction in terms of their physical beauty. Now in terms of their lack of inner beauty, that has been a non-existent quality I have seen for quite sometime. If you lack that inner glow, and only cling to that inner hoe, then you travel down a road that will not bring you success. Kim Kardashian is fine and all that. Got a negro shape and is aesthetically pleasing, but has been passed around just as much as the chick who wrote vidoe vixen (superhead). How has marriage worked out for her? Not so good. Yeah she’s with kanye but let me ask you a question. If kanye didn’t have his money would you all look at him as the type of man you would want to have kids by? I mean the dude is a child. I mean he sits there kissing on Kim like she hadn’t had all types of men’s pipe in her mouth. The chick got famous off a sex tape. But the media makes her relevant to the point laurence Fishburne’s daughter used her as an example as to why she wanted to go into the porn industry! Her dad has been successful in the movie business and yet she only wanted to aspire to being a hoe. This media is killing your spirit but black women are allowing it. These articles, although they appear to be confident, actually ooze fear. I’ve seen black women withe perms and locks act the same way. This fear is the fear that you are losing a battle that you thought you had in the bag. Remember in the nineties and when didn’t hear these things? We had Terry McMillan and Oprah was at the top and black women could do no wrong. In 20 years this has been completely subverted. Now, black women allowed themselves to viewed as the wretched of the earth. A lot of this has come from their own behavior and because the media likes to make money off of turmoil, they choose to exploit it. But if black women would have never given them the opening, we wouldn’t be having this discussion. Ask yourself are you projecting an inner glow or an inner hoe. You don’t see Muslim sisters, who are wrapped up, be disrespected. Why? Because they practice an ancient science in which their Husbands are the only men who are supposed to see their physical attributes. Hell even wearing pants is a no-no for a woman. Do some research on the science on that.

  8. Priti says:

    Well wrtitten article… 🙂
    Greetings from Mumbai, India.

  9. steph says:

    Message to Naturally:

    I hear you but when 70% of us are raising children alone, are single and/or childless, it is a heavy situation that we can’t sugarcoat or deny. No other women have to go through this except us and it is totally unfair. I read once the comment of a Black woman, she wrote that it is the Black mothers’ fault. They don’t make sure that their sons value their sisters first and I think she was totally right. We don’t deserve this!!! The men from other groups put on a pedestal their women first and we deserve the same thing nothing less.

  10. naturally says:

    Remember that hatred is the greatest form of flattery. So if the the world; ignorant of the power and beauty of black womanhood, decides to hate, let them. Keep doing you ladies. We are trendsetters for all other women on this planet. They go to plastic surgeons to get our volumptuous body barts from our thick lips to our rear ends. They have bones removed to get an hour glass figure that we have naturally. They perm and twist and loc and weave and even fake an afro to be like us. One thing they cannot fake is the undying confidence and attention commanding swagger of a black woman. Some men prefer white women, Oh Well! These same men will be the first to tell you that they can’t handle a black woman. Therefore, this is not a loss for us.

  11. Amy-Rae says:

    I applaud the writer for the balls she has to write such an on-point article.
    You go girl!

  12. Stephanie says:

    I forgot to add that most of other men latinos, etc. stay with their women from their community in Quebec.

  13. Stephanie says:

    Wow! This article is deep!!! I live in Quebec and I think that it is one of the worst places for a Black woman to be. Too many of our men date and marry white women. It doesn’t matter if they are uneducated, fat, etc. They just want to be with White women. Fuck them!!!!

  14. Kai says:

    Good article.

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