Saturday, October 20, 2018

Black Women: “Red Light, Green Light”.

April 3, 2012 by  
Filed under News, Opinion, Relationships, Sista Talk, Weekly Columns

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( Sisters, you can’t give a man the following options:

a) sex without commitment

b) continued sex without commitment and a child is born

and after he exercises the options YOU gave him, you offer an ultimatum “Marry me or else“. I mean really. NOW you want to be someone’s wife, NOW you want discipline, now you want commitment AFTER all that required all the above has already taken place. . This is what we should say in the FIRST place if that is our true desire. It’s like giving a child dessert first, then feigning ignorance as to why they won’t eat their vegetables.

It’s all in the presentation. A man’s actions REPRESENT how YOU PRESENTED  yourself to him in the FIRST place. We have to change our thinking, we try to build a relationship from the waist down and wonder why it crumbles.

Listen, this is for Both Sisters and Brothers, look at a person’s ACTIONS. Their actions will either bear witness to what they profess with their mouth, or their actions will betray them. Now if your goal is to walk down the aisle, then STOP leading him towards the bedroom, WE lead, and then get upset when they follow. We say things like I did all the things a wife would do, why wouldn’t he marry me? Well we’ve answered our own question now didn’t we? If you are already giving him the “benefits” of marriage, then what is his incentive?

The way some of us  treat men is VERY unfair and hypocritical. I am wondering if there will come a day, when Black Men can voice their pain and women can actually listen WITHOUT interjecting” BUT what about My PAIN”. I wonder if there will come a day when more women will take more accountability for their  actions, instead of this defensive, self-righteous attitude some of us have. I wonder if there will come a day, when Black Men can state the type of Woman they want, how they would want her to act, how they want to be treated, how they want to be loved and needed, I just wonder…..because Black Women have a day like that. It’s called EVERYDAY! EVERYDAY, there is something, somewhere, a conversation is taking place, online, offline, on the phone, in person, in front of children, a man is being told that he ain’t shyt, all the reasons why he ain’t shyt, aint gonnna never be shyt, he is being told everything that is wrong with him, because apparently he can’t get shyt right, even with highest rate of employment among black men, we are still yelling get your trifling a** a job, or I am taking my children away, I mean constant condemnation! If Men spoke to us with HALF the amount of venom that we use when speaking to them, we probably couldn’t take it, we’ll say “is that how to talk to a Woman Brother”? “You shouldn’t talk to a woman like that, women should be treated with respect”, RIGHT…… after we just got finished DISRESPECTING him. 

We are so quick to label a man “no good” or a “dog” but, we have a tendency to forget that WE chose him, and at times we have a tendency to forget the circumstances/situations that took place when WE met our mates, the type of behavior that WE either allowed, promoted, cosigned and engaged in with our mates, but when we get done “wrong” we remember all the wrong THEY did, but won’t take responsibility for OUR choices, OUR actions and OUR behavior. How the hell can you give a brother the “green light” regarding certain behavior, then turn around and get upset with him because he chose “go“.

-the quality or state of being accountable; especially : an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one’s actions

A sign of growth is being able to hold yourself accountable for YOUR actions, YOUR choices, and accepting the truth about YOURSELF, WITHOUT using the word “but” because when doing so that negates growth.

Example ” “I’m sorry that I smashed your car but you see I didn’t think you were going to stop short like that” immediately the excuse has been put into play. Never mind that it was your responsibility to maintain control of your vehicle, the point is that you’ve just negated the entire apology and created a scenario where the blame has now been displaced on the person you’ve just hit.” 

Example “Yes the Black Woman should be held accountable “but” _______________________(insert whatever 1001 reasons we use to deflect back to the Black Man).

You see how using the word “but” negates the admission but redirects the blame on the other party? When one uses the word “but” they are not really taking responsibility for their actions. True accountability takes place when “I” is the ONLY pronoun used. Not “he“, him” or “we“. “We” can NEVER accomplish anything until “YOU” deal with Self.

Today’s English Lesson: when accepting accountability, start off with “I” and after you state what it is you are accepting accountability for, END the sentence with a PERIOD, if you follow with a comma or the word “but“, then accountability is NOT your goal. Deflection is.

Staff Writer; Nojma Muhammad

To learn more about this talented sister, feel free to visit; Nojma Reflects.



7 Responses to “Black Women: “Red Light, Green Light”.”
  1. James says:

    @ Elaine; Patsy; Nojma:

    Great article and replies ladies. I agree and disagree with certain dynamics in this article specifically: “gray areas’. What exactly is in this area? I mean; we as MEN try and cannot ‘think like a woman’ and vice-versa. I’m hitting on the movie for this article because at some point, SELF has to come first, before a relationship, friendship, sexship, and whatever other labels I may have missed is possible with anyone; specifically SELF. . . . .

    I’ve been down this same road and I’m in my 40s, soon to be engaged, and have no children. It’s not by choice or accident. After my daughter died in 1995 I wen’t through the whole spectrum of spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical change as, the prior 2 relationships I was in lasted 2 & 5 years yet, these women already had kids;(No ladies, I don’t shoot blanks and can hit the bullseye from any angle; I just didn’t meet another woman who wanted kids which, I don’t look at as being a bad thing).

    The lady I’m soon to marry has 3 kids, and being with her for 10 years well; it’s either now or never. I say this more toward ME than toward my Fiancee’ because until I could get the needed therapy for my insecurity, abandonment, childhood abuse, drugs, jails, homelessness and other issues; there was no way I would succeed in another relationship, especially a relationship with GOD & SELF.
    The control issues go both ways Patsy, not just with men, but women too, regardless what methods, behaviors, lies, etc., are used to gain control however, your key point is true: (A MAN CAN BE HIGHLY EDUCATED, RICH, HAVE A LOT OF PROPERTY, WOMEN, etc. etc. etc.). But, after all that ‘outside stuff’ is gone, what does a man have then?????

    However, from my life experiences with the money, cars, clothes, drug dealing and using, and so on; until I got my heart right with GOD & MYSELF, all that outside stuff that comes with money was just that!!! OUTSIDE STUFF; the inside was empty and, only GOD guided me to get CLEAN & SOBER for almost 15 years (GOD-WILLING, July 23, 2012 will make 15 years CLEAN & SOBER, and this process is at times a minute-by-minute process, ONE DAY AT A TIME). . . . .IT’s AN INSIDE JOB (mind, body, & soul).

    GOD THE HEAVENLY FATHER GETS ALL THE CREDIT; I just do my best above and beyond to stay on this path. A lot of different people assume that it’s easy to stay CLEAN & SOBER; it’s not!!!! It’s very easy to get clean, but the real work starts with commiting to stay that way for life. . . . .

    As a result of the ‘contuation’ of healing the inside; I was able to go to school for Computer Information Sciences and Psychology-Substance Abuse (still have 2 years to go with the Psychology courses); and get therapy for my PTSD as well (Military Combat Veteran). I now work at the Miami VA, helping the Veterans that paved the way for me to enlist in 1980 although, I got out right after we got back from Kuwait, I wonder what the next 9 years would’ve been like if I had stayed in to make it a full 20 years but, I’m not bitter and don’t regret my decision to get out when I did.

    Nojma hit it on the head: “I had to learn to fall in love with James before I could even attempt to give it to another person, especially a woman”. . . I would also note that this same process is very critical in today’s black community because it also applies to women just as it does to men.

    I’ll qoute Kevin Hart when he was starting out in small clubs and side spots, before he made it big in comedy: Kevin said he wen’t to meet a prominent white promoter (Dave Becky) and, Dave said the following to Kevin: “(You come out and you’re talking ’bout’ this and that; black life issues; but you’re not saying anything!!! WHO ARE YOU???).”

    This one hit me so hard mentally & emotionally all I could do was sit on the floor and cry, mainly because that question made me look past my reflection in the mirror.

    So ladies, I ask you to take some quiet time away from everything and everybody and ask yourselves the same INDIVIDUAL question; WHO ARE YOU???

    The water works for me; I guess it’s just something so deeply spiritual about being near the canal, stream, river, lake, pond, or even a swimming pool ALONE and talking to GOD; it’s very healing and deep; try it ladies,it works but, I will advise you not to approach this with self-expectations, projections, or trying to figure out what will happen and how you’ll feel afterwards; GOD will reveal it all very,very,very,very,very slowly; IN HIS TIME, NOT OUR TIME.

    Like the old folks used to say ‘GOD is always on time, not when he needs us, but when we need him’.

    Enjoy your day ladies and, I look forward to your replies.

    SMILE SMILE SMILE—–The esscence of the BLACK WOMAN shines from the inside out—not outside in—-her smile is the key…….



  2. Maybe we all – men and women – can just admit to being fragile imperfect beings and choose to love each other anyway.

  3. Patsy says:

    Thanks for your nice comment Nojma.

  4. Nojma says:

    @Elaine, thank you so much for always commenting on the articles, I really appreciate the dialog you bring to the table. I know that when I didn’t love myself, I chose men that didn’t love me. When I didn’t know my self-worth I chose men that didn’t know my worth. As I have stated, our mates are a reflection of ourselves, and when I hated the men looking back at me, it was then time to look at myself. You know how we are as women, as long as we are pleased with our reflection, we LOVE looking in the mirror, but if we gain weight, or have a blemish we avoid mirrors at all costs, but in order for me to stop a string of unhealthy and destructive relationships, I had to identify the unhealthy and destructive behavior within myself. It was hard but VERY necessary, and I learned a lot about myself. Most importantly, I learned to fall in love with NOJMA! I learned to pinpoint my faults and flaws, not harp on them, but make my weaknesses my strengths, you know just trying to be an overall healthier me. But I again, I had to learn to love the way God made me, and love myself, I can’t expect anyone else to do what I won’t even do for myself.

  5. Nojma says:

    @Patsy, of course there are always exceptions and gray areas. I am so sorry that happened to your friend. The reality is no matter how much we probe and investigate, we can not control whatever information our mates withhold from us, and again I am so sorry that happened to your friend, but so many women are still able to give birth to healthy children in their forties, if she still desires children. I pray that she has healed or is in the process of healing from that relationship, and that she is able to open up her heart again and I pray that God sends her a loving man that desires to build a family. Don’t allow her story to effect your view on men or label them all and shove them in a box either Sis. All men are NOT the same, just as ALL women are NOT the same. Don’t become paralyzed with fear of what “might” happen, because fear restricts movement, and you never know who you might be pushing away. I pray that both you and your friend find men that value, love, respect and honor you. Peace Queen and thank you for your comment.

  6. Eleanie says:

    Sister Muhammad you are right on point with this. I will admit it has taken me years to finally ask myself what am I doing to attract the brothers that are coming my way? (Yeah I put it out there) It was a hard pill to swallow. But I bit the bullet and now I am a better person for it.

    We put more time into choosing an outfit and buying a car then we do in choosing a mate. I am sure there may not be many responses on this one. Hopefully not because folks (men and women) or upset from what you had to say, but because they are really thinking about your post. Maybe they are actually taking a closer look at themselves in the process of this thing we call dating and relationships.

    They you for sharing an excellent piece.

  7. Patsy says:

    I don’t think that the situation is black and white. There is a lot of gray. For instance, a sister last week told me what happened to her with her former husband (when I asked her why didn’t have children). He was really nice with her until they got married. He became violent toward her during the marriage (never before). He lied to her and never told her that he got a vassectomy before he met her. Her story traumatized me, I didn’t know that a man could go to that extent and control the life of a woman. She is now in her forties and never had children. She thought she made a great choice. The man is smart, highly educated and has an excellent income but he doesn’t have a heart.

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