Wednesday, October 17, 2018

Real Talk Relationships (The “I” woman)…

October 28, 2011 by  
Filed under Misc., News, Opinion, Relationships, Sista Talk, Weekly Columns

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( Let me preface this by saying a lot of what I talk about will be from a Mans perspective BECAUSE IM A MAN… *shrugs* I’m Not insensitive to what women feel… or their needs. I just try to get women to look at whatever differently… Not like a man… But DIFFERENT! And if you ask my opinion you best to believe I’m a give it to you. This was a good conversation with a friend. 

The Question?  I’m a catch, I’m a good woman, I have good job, I have a house, I have a nice whip, I don’t think I’m bad looking… how come I can’t find a man?

HEREWEGO! Before I start I am in no way shape or form saying, asking, or expecting ANY woman to settle or lower her standards… See women have this  thing called “The List” and for most women this list culminates everything that she wants her prospective man to be “Already” which means you already putting contingency on your relationship. The point is some of your list is just that… It’s TOO GOT DAMN LONG! Some women have some very superficial things on their list and tend to confuse those superficial/material things or what they “WANT” not need in a man and call them standards!  #215 on the list He can treat me like shit but as long as he can maintain my S550 I’m good… LLS Let me say whatever you have on your list you should be able to claim or embody yourself before you expect it from another. Sometimes our depiction of ourselves or own self worth is skewed. Oh, you a good woman? Not saying you aren’t but how you know? Who told you? I know you “SAY” it all the time but just because you say it does that make you one? Basically men need to see/feel it and not just you shouting it out verbally every chance you get. Are you as attractive mentally, spiritually as you are physically?  We are not always honest or realistic with ourselves sometimes admitting our own flaws or shortcomings! Ladies honestly, when your list is too long, the ONLY person that can measure up to it is yourself (in your mind) and God! *shrugs* 

How many times have you heard a woman say “I don’t need a man for shit” or “a man can’t do nothing for me I can’t do for my self” usually followed by the woman trying to overly justify and explain why she is perfectly happy and single! And FOR THE RECORD…”Happiness” needs no explanation. When a person is truly happy you don’t have to ask, they don’t have to tell, explain or justify anything it is blatantly obvious when someone is genuinely happy.  If there is any spiritual bone in your body you know that WE were not designed to go through life alone. HE took from man to make woman because man was flawed. He created woman as a perfection of man. NOT perfect but the perfect compliment to what already existed to make a whole!! We were made different on purpose! In short y’all are what we ain’t! *shrugs* But in the creation of women he gave them the ability of “Submission” submission does not = lie down and let man have his way. It’s allowing the man to be what God instilled in him to do.  Letting a man be a man. (Phil Jackson doesn’t win games. Kobe wins the games but Phil puts Kobe in the best position where Kobe can be Kobe) Women have to learn how to be Phil Jackson.  Remember “the perfect compliment“? … As a Man, a well to do or a woman that does well for herself is obvious… It SHOULDN’T be intimidating but to some men it is. To most it’s admirable. WE can see it! You don’t have to tell us or remind us! 

As a Man I can ONLY protect my woman, provide for my woman, & love her.  When you tell a man that you don’t need him or he can’t do anything for you.  You just eliminated 2/3 of it. Then all he can do is love you. Women want to be and should be pursued but applying “submission” means at some point you allow yourself to be caught! Some women’s independency = self centeredness only makes them UN-catchable and they won’t even notice because they so consumed with what “I” can do for myself.  The “I” occupies so much space in they life there isn’t room for her to even notice him.  They usually can’t get out of their own way long enough to even be receptive to a man.  The “I” in her allows her to possess THINGS …house, car, financial independency, on her own and a lot of those things do NOT constitute being happy. Those things don’t make you happy they only can help facilitate happiness or what already is or in short make life easier. Those “THINGS” do not give YOU substance as woman.  The “I” disables you from accepting a mans heart because it only allows you to accept love from your own!  My grandma used to say all the time “God CAN NOT bless ME if “I” continue to do what “I” want to do!”  The “I” will supplement life with a lot of things you need to figure out if being alone is one of them that you will accept.

I am in no way saying that men or a man can not embrace woman’s independency but it’s more of the woman she presents herself as to men while she is claiming Mz Independent!


Staff Writer; Jamal Montague



8 Responses to “Real Talk Relationships (The “I” woman)…”
  1. NeeNee says:

    This is so on point!!! I have alot of friends that really need to read this…. I’m passing this on. Keep up the GREAT WORK!!!!

  2. Judy says:

    I agree Mecio!!! I love a sexy black man but I’m more attracted to a intelligent, mentally stimulating one just as much. And one who’s not afraid to say I understand this is your thing, but sit back a minute and let me take control….I got this!

  3. Judy says:

    This is good…to know a mans perspective. How do we as women know if we don’t hear it from a man? I personally have always been that woman to say I don’t need a man for NOTHING and all that I have I get & do on my own. I have always been my own for myself AND my children but life can shoot you a road block in a heart beat & change it in an instant. Now looking back I ask myself was I wrong for always pushing what seemed to be “a good man” away because he wanted to take over my bills or tell me what to do with my finances when all he was trying to do was turn “my” into “ours” and build a life together? But my head was always in the clouds and I sure didn’t want any man to think I needed him. I absolutely believe my standards were too high and I thought that I’d find this close too perfect man with the money, looks, body, perfect sex, intellect, educated…just everything. That’s absurd!

    Now with age & as a Christian I have let that go. Not because I need anything or a man. A relationship is about so much more. It’s about the spiritual connection, the mental connection & stimulation you share between one another. It’s about missing the joy you receive from each other. If HE isn’t the centerpeice there are GOING to be problems. Our money & financial status is a small factor after those things. I’ve grown individually through Christ and how much money that is or isn’t in my pocket doesn’t make me the person I am!!! ~I’m about to start preaching~ I am content and & man with the same interests & values as myself right now would only make me MORE complete. Do I need him to exist? No. If the right one exists and we are compatible…then yes I want him BAD and don’t have a problem voicing that.

  4. Kim T says:


    #1 – A women cannot prevent a “Man” from being what he IS already. IF she can prevent him from being a man…then.. clearly he’s NOT a man to start with. No woman can stop a real man from being a man. But there are some punks out there that will blame a woman for not allowing him to carry out his role as head of the house,.. when the real problem is that he isn’t man enough to either set the right example as a leader, or walk away from a woman who refuses to partner with him and wants to run everything.

    #2 – MANY sisters (no matter what their situation) are willing to work with a brother. Personally I think that’s the problem. Many sisters are TOO willing to work with a brother and it does not help the man nor our community. For what “possible” reason would a Black Man “lower his standards when he can “and does” get women whom are “financially” and “morally” more wealthy than HE is? So now we have generationS (plural) of black men who just don’t have their shyt together…and they want black women to stop having expectations of them? Brothers should be MORE than willing to work for a sista!! As usual with ANY discussion calling for black men to think higher and better, we always revert their choices back to women…GROW UP!!!

    #3 – Reality is most sisters want good ol fashioned dating….most brothers want a good ol fashioned girl that phucks fast and doesn’t require much from him….now how the heck do those thoughts go together? Problem is, there are just too many black women out here for a lot of black men to settle down with JUST ONE! Especially when (sad to say) too many black women are allowing them to run through them like water. Why should black men change? Heck, they got it good from that point of view.

    #4 – The missing link is the Black Man, and until we “collectively” RISE to the occasion, the going will continue to be rough. When (nearly ALL) Black Men take it upon themselves to respect Black women…. the problems will go away; When (nearly ALL) Black Men take it upon themselves to value education…the problems will go away; When (nearly ALL) Black Men take it upon themselves to GET THE TRUTH ABOUT OUR HISTORY …. the problems will go away; When (nearly ALL) Black Men take it upon themselves to stop being PREOCCUPIED with boyish things (music, fancy cars and clothes, women, drinking, partying, etc.)… the problems will go away; When (nearly ALL) Black Men (AND women) take it upon themselves to prevent unwanted pregnancies and honor the commitment to our children, the problems will simply go away… The number of fathers not fulfilling their responsibilities to their children, and the numbers of unemployed Black men are testaments to the lackluster efforts we collectively put forth.

    #5 – “We have a problem of boys masquerading as men. To be called a “boy” by a white “man” is the ultimate statement of victory over our minds. An even worse insult though is for that label to be correct.” — Na’im Akbar (a Black Man)

    Now write about that THYBLACKMAN!!

  5. Sweet n Sassy says:

    looka here! i get all that BUT!!!! Aint too many MEN out here. I’m alll for letting a man be a man and helping him get to where he wants to be but first he has to not be whinning more that the neighbors 8 yo daughter and 2 he has to want something in order to get something. I here this from a lot of my girlfriends as well. We have been put in positions where we HAVE to take care of it all cause it has to be done.

  6. Seema aka RuralRockStar says:

    Great enlightening opinion piece Jamal~thank you~i really needed to read this as do my chomas~cos we most times get it so wrong,its become normal to be single that even our married sistahs always find themselves single but married~let me explain what i mean by that line.
    If you a married sistah,who’s always showing up alone with the kids @ hospital cos you the main medical aid member/always arrive alone at family functions cos you the one paying for the car/always the one doing all the shopping,hiring the maintenance guy for the plumbing cos you the one known to the house insurers~then girl you just as ‘single’ as I am as eloquently pointed out to me by my very married but single choma aka girlfriend one day as we sat addressing our sorry state of survival vs living and she was like”You do realise we both single~cos besides the ring on my finger and different signature~girl,nothings cahnged in my survival that much~i’m still doing allright by myself from the house to all thats in it!”
    Reading your article & reflecting on what my amn said to me this weekend:”Stop being a man!”~make sense,for goodness sake my role was never meant to be this complex besides being a mom~i’m a woman who needs a man to provide for me,to love and protect me~and as a write this post stress related surgery~i will fight to just be the woman God intended me to be to my man,to the rest of the world outside our house,do note my happiness when i step out will make you realise my inert strength as a beloved woman!

  7. Mecio says:

    I luv it! I’ve asked myself many times “are you mentally attractive”…never in those same words. Sadly many women have never even visited the question.

  8. Cassandra from Oakland says:

    Hi Jamal,
    Thanks for telling how things look to you. Being a single woman is tough to get right. Some guys stop calling if we appear ‘needy’, others if we come off too independent. If we wait to get our finances on we get called ‘gold digger’. Get our own money handled can be told we are ‘uppity’.

    Hope we find a way to connect with you single men because we all are better off with love in our lives.

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