Tuesday, November 20, 2018

Find Us – Black Love That Is…

June 29, 2011 by  
Filed under Misc., News, Opinion, Relationships, Sista Talk, Weekly Columns

Like Love Haha Wow Sad Angry

(ThyBlackMan.com) Sometimes the best place to look for something is the exact place that thing can be found.

Take Black men, for example, we hear Black women talking about how we are so hard to find, but we are often in the same places they are.

The more I hear Black women complain about not being able to find decent Black men, the more my heart and mind become weary, because I am committed to Black women.

I remain committed, however, the words of some of today’s Black women leave me saddened and frequently, temporarily disheartened.

Some Black women blame their singleness solely on Black men, citing that since good Black men are hard for them to find, that there are less decent  single Black men that ever before in history.

This is not based on any verified data, which is always confusing to the throngs of quality single men who can not find the “abundance” of quality  single women those magazines always write about.

Some Black women say that “most” Black men are in prison, that “more” Black men are gay and that the “best” Black men are married to white women, but none of that has been statistically supported.

It is sad, but there are Black men in prison.  And yes, there are Black men dying from gang violence and from drugs, but that is not “most” of the Black male population.  There are throngs of Black men who live beyond all of the things that are horribly wrong, and a great number are neither gay nor with white women.

The dicey proposition is when Black women say that Black men are beneath their level (financial or education), when in fact, Black people in America don’t yet have an intrinsic level.  Even many of our so-called middle class Blacks live one paycheck away from disaster.

Perhaps the search is conducted with faulty criteria.

Black women, if you examine a man’s character first, you will find that there are more of us than you imagined.

Certainly Black men in America have challenges, but in this nation, we are both challenged—Black male and female.

Yet with all of our challenges, some of us are still finding each other and marrying each other.  Anyone can point out that marriages are fewer and divorces are more abundant, but those are stats for the masses—they don’t have to apply to the individual.

Perhaps the bigger problem is that many Black women are no longer searching in circles where quality Black men can be found.

The sad fact is that many of us work in a world where there are few of us and live in communities where there are also few of us, yet we complain about not finding us and talk about the sorry state of those of us we run into.

Communities are fragmented, clubs are polluted and many church singles ministries mislead people into relationships with other people who attend church service, but do little to follow the teachings of the ministries.

Yes, things are more challenging than they have been in a long time, but the challenges appear even greater because of the negative things being said about Black men on television, in those magazines, and, oh yes, in circles of single Black women.

And, yet, I understand.

I know why Black women say some of the things that they have been saying.  It’s because they are hurt and afraid.

Black men are also hurt and afraid.

Any of us over the age of 21 has a thought-provoking fear, which can lead us away from finding love, as opposed to hugging expensive creature comforts in solitude, fear and pain, which morph into hatred.

Too many of us thought that we could make things better for ourselves as individuals, but now, the chickens have come home to roost, because many of us can not find quality mates.

We fell from grace when we stopped talking to each other and began talking about each other.  If we wish to make things better, I believe it begins with communication.

The charge for each of us–men and women–is to begin to discuss the problems we both face, without expressing the fear and hatred that have been welling up inside of us.

I want one wish to go around the world faster than an internet hoax or a Jesus chain letter, and I want for each person reading this to pass it on to another person, married or single.

That one simple wish is for Black men and women to begin to change our minds about each other.  Perception is reality and we must begin to perceive each other differently so that we can love each other again.

I want to let Black women know that there are still some good, kind and decent Black men in the world and we are having a hard time finding them as well.

And I want to let them know that many of us are in the same places they are.

Black men are in the grocery store because we have to eat, too.  Black men are in the gas station, because we have to drive, and yes, some of us are on the bus or train.  Black men are at fraternity banquets, and Black men are at plays, museums, the church and the mosque.

Black men can be found in a number of places and many times we are right beside you—all you have to do is smile.  Be sweet and inviting and you may get more than the reprobates to ask for your number, or be progressive and initiate contact with us.  Whatever you do–be grounded and open.

I advise both men and women to look for something that exists.  If you are a single woman looking for a single man, look for examples in the men around you.  Your father, brother, uncle, cousin or neighbor may be married and may serve as a good measurement for the men you date.

We may not all look like Denzel or bling bling like a rap music video, but some of us are hard working, decent men with solid husband and father potential, ready to love and to be loved.

You have to look around you and find real examples, because once you are convinced that we don’t exist, then, for you, we don’t.

Black women, stop saying that you can’t find a good man, or that we just don’t exist. Come at us in love and what you will find from many of the sane, single Black men is real love—we’re trying to find you and we want you, too.

Look for us where we are and you just may find us.

Written By Darryl James

Official website; http://www.darryljames.com/


5 Responses to “Find Us – Black Love That Is…”
  1. chris says:

    I loved your response Mack. I do know that not everyone has everything together to enter in an adult relationship. Its hard to be married and then thrown in a world where everything seems so free and easy. Tbe respect for mind is no longer appreciated. I have great a respect for men who have themselves together and want what everyone wants, which is an honest decent relationship that will last. Life i do know is not a fairy tale it comes with the good, ups, downs, laughing and crying. I listen to women talk and it seems the role of who does what has changed. The role of the pursuer has changed. I am well rounded, love to laugh, have my father and mother who are still married, never been abused, married at an early age so things that should seem normal seems strange to me. I know i have been sheltered from a lot.
    I was reading my post again and it seem it came across as angry, but its not anger its just disappointment in our men today. Most of them it seems have no role models in their life how to teach them how to be a male, but grew up around other men who think women owe them something. Life is about give and take not take..take and take. I must say too that some woman think that men should take care of them but i come from a background where education is the key to many doors.Some women are indeed angry about things that has happen in their pass and you are correct being comfortable to talk is the key to breaking the cycle of all men are…… or all women are…..
    Not everyone will be like the past so in order for the future to be a good, respectful, and being able to appreciate each others differences both man and woman have to want to let the pass go. if anger, hate, abuse or mistrust are involved in the pass then it will carry to the future. My problem is trying to understand why some men cannot appreciate the fact that a woman can be educated, sensitive, kind, loving,hard working, mother, and have a business without them feeling that it is a competition with them. No one wants to be taken for a fool especially when one is giving and the other is the taker whether it is the man or the woman.

  2. Mack says:

    Chris said: “i have tried dating black men but in their mind they are not good enough for me.”

    I say: Are you sure thats not how YOU think and feel?

  3. Mack says:

    Excellent article. I just want to add: its not that black men don’t wish to dialogue. If we want to keep it 100, its the sisters who don’t desire dialogue. And I don’t mean every one of them; just the overwhelming majority.

    I know many of them have a lot of built up anger: anger at their fathers for not being around (although many don’t know the true reason WHY he wasn’t around); angry at the poor choices in men they dated in the past; over the men who molested or abused them growing up; angry at their own poor choices in life period. And some are angry simply because their mothers, aunties and homegirls have rubbed their anger off on them like a contagious virus.

    But buried anger never goes away. It just manifests over and over again as the issues that continue to derail your life, until you come face to face with the anger and deal with it. I don’t need stats to prove that most black American women simply can’t do this without much prodding, pulling, begging and pressure. The natural reaction is for them to argue for their bullcrap first, go into emotional tirades and personal attacks second, and finally cutting off communication alltogether.

    How can you have open and honest dialogue with someone like that?!

    There’s so much distrust and deception going forth, a decent brother has to do the work of a therapist, counselor, pastor and exorcist just to get through to most of these sisters. I love black women too, but really: its just too much work sometimes.

    Again, great article.

  4. chris says:

    i am not bad looking, i am very confident in who i am, i dont try to change anyone, but if someone approaches me, they must have have themselves together. The generations today dont believe in love to last, they dont believe in fixing a problme, they dont belief in trust, ar can be trusted. I have values that i do go by ad what i had in marriage to help me find what i would like so i can feel safe, appreciated, love and honor and that will be returned. i believe the man leads and women will follow. strong minded men, diciplined will increase a womans appreciation. i thought if a woman works and even have her own business then its good for the house hold, not a competition. and please do not look attractive that is another story. thank you for allowing me to write this.

  5. chris says:

    read your POst on black men. i was married to a white man, it was the best marriage i had, he past away. i have tried dating black men but in their mind they are not good enough for me. or they begin to compete with a dead person who was. i am a giver and truly would love to find someone who can explain to me why black men do not want an educated woman, who is trying to run a business. AWhy must there be a competition? The initiative is not even there to want to do for the family. its almost asking too much. I am a giver, but i cannot give 80 and they give 49 it doesnt work that way. the next thing is being married it is hard to explain to a single black man about the simple things. respect, honor, fedility, love and showing some for of initiative that they care. i am sure it is simple,

Speak Your Mind

Tell us what you're thinking...
and oh, if you want a pic to show with your comment, go get a gravatar!