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(ThyBlackMan.com) Dear Black Men,

Greetings gentlemen. I hope this letter finds you in good health.  I am writing this letter to share with you an experience I recently had that changed my life.  I had previously been involved with this woman. For the sake of discretion, let’s call her Bunny.  Bunny and I had a toxic relationship.  Not toxic in the form of physical and mental abuse, but we argued a lot.  Toward the end of our relationship we argued every day. Honestly, I don’t remember what half the arguments were about, but I do remember how adamant I was about being right.

Eventually Bunny and I ended the relationship.  It was mutual, however there was a lot of bad blood because we blamed each other for what transpired. Neither of us wanted to accept responsibility for our role in the demise of the relationship. We allowed something that began so beautifully to morph into something toxic and ugly. A far cry from what we had in the beginning.

For months I thought of the good times we shared, the late-night conversations, the laughs, the jokes.  Eventually those thoughts turned angry. “How dare she ruin what we had.” I continued to harbor negative feelings for a long time.  Unknowingly, those negative feelings toward her caused me to act differently towards others, especially women.  I wouldn’t say I became bitter towards women because I maintained my love for them, however I did find myself using phrases like “black women are so crazy” and  “all black women want to do is use me” more frequently.  It had become so bad that one of my friends had to ask if I was giving up on black women.


Initially I was surprised by her question. Because after all; I love black women.  I love them so much I had one. But as she continued to talk, I realized why she had such concerns.  I had begun to only speak negatively of black women.  Although I know I have this great love and appreciation for them; that is no what I was showing others.  All they heard was negativity. That was my first lesson from the situation.  Just because you know how you feel on the inside; if you express the total opposite that is what people are going to believe.  I know a lot of times we hear “It doesn’t matter what others think.” That’s not entirely true. Especially when we are the reason people think negatively of us.  The second lesson came not too long ago.

Out of the blue Bunny texts me. It wasn’t anything life changing, just the usual “how are you” etc.  The pleasantries did not last long as she got straight to the point. She wanted to meet so we could have a conversation.  I was hesitant at first because I still housed some resentment, however I agreed to meet.  We decided to meet at a local pizza place. I came into the conversation ready. I had all my metaphorical guns loaded my shield was up. I was ready for war.  But I wasn’t ready for what happened.

At the meet up the first thing she did was apologize.  Yes, she apologized. She acknowledged her part in the break. She said that although she loved me; she did not love me like I had asked her to. She thought she knew what I needed better than I did. I was floored brothers. Here I was ready for a fight, but that’s not why she was there.  She had grown. It was so beautiful to see.  She explained some things from her perspective.  I was at a loss for words because I had never thought of things from her perspective. I considered myself to be a man of understanding, however I did not practice that with her.

As I sat there listening to her; I was compelled to apologize as well.  I had been stubborn and dismissive. I explained things from my perspective. I could tell she was really listening.  At the end of the conversation I felt like a weight was lifted off me. That crazy part is that I didn’t know I had been carrying it. I felt like I was back to myself. Some people call that healing. I had healed from the hurt and anguish that was the result of my actions. Not to alleviate any responsibility from Bunny.  Had I handled things differently; there is a particularly good chance things would have happened differently. I also thought about the black women I had turned off because of my perceived disdain.  Some of them were amazing people.

Moral of the story brothers is we must heal. Healing is a step towards being the best version of ourselves. As we continue to regain our role as the leaders of society; we cannot allow ourselves to harbor anguish and hatred from things we have gone through. We must heal brothers. We will heal. Until next time….

Peace and Blessings.

Staff Writer; Christian Johnson

One may also connect with this brother over on InstagramCJTheWriter.