Tuesday, October 26, 2021

What’s Wrong With African-American Women?

February 20, 2015 by  
Filed under News, Opinion, Weekly Columns

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(ThyBlackMan.com) If you are a “black” woman reading this, one of the first things you may do is to retaliate against the title of this article and ask “what’s wrong with black men”? Or you may predictably say “what’s wrong with black women is black men”. Or some of you may even say “nothing is wrong with me”. And some of you would be right – but others of you are not. Many of you may display your denial by blaming others for your problems, including the men YOU picked. But that’s not the point.

The purpose of this article is to examine what is wrong with the attitudes and behaviors of many (not all) African-American women between the ages of 25 and 45 and to offer solutions that will change lives. I have excluded black females under 25 from this article because they fall into a generation uniquely on the wrong track and that is a group with a whole different set of factors, issues and influences. And in case you are wondering, yes I do the same analysis with men. If you can make it to the end of your article and be honest, it will change your life and take you higher.

African-American women many of you are pushing good African-American men away. Too many of you are condescending, negative and confrontational at the drop of a hat and that is a problem. A great many of you need to breathe – not just to exhale. The next man you date is not responsible for the actions of the last man YOU chose to date. When sister Ali wrote The Black Man’s Guide to Understanding Black Women, it was an eye opener and every African-American woman should read it. Joyce Meyers also wrote a book entitled Me And My Big Mouth and ladies you should read her book as well. If you want a King ladies, you need to exhibit the character, heart and attitude of a queen. And for those of you ladies who prey on African-American men of low or no self-esteem or the men who do not stand up to you, that is simply not right all the way around.

If you won’t even finish reading this article, I may have hit a sore spot which you are not willing to face and you may be proving or illustrating my point. But before you judge this article as untrue or try to think of female friends these points do not relate to, the point here is to address your issues, not to avoid them, explain them away or blame them away. And ten black women you know who do not fit in this box does not mean many of you do not have a problem. As a family and relationship counselor for over 13 years, I have counseled and interviewed thousands of women and the same problems, attitudes and behaviors keep surfacing. That is what prompted me to write this article.

Does this message apply to every one of you? No, but many. Are African-American men perfect? No, especially me. Is any ethnic group perfect? No. But none of these points address the real issue of what’s wrong with the African-American woman. This article is written so the black woman can look in the mirror and to help understand what is going on, why she is angry and why she blames the African-American man for many of her problems. And before you men get ready to point the finger, realize an article is coming about us soon. Finally, just so you know, I came from a balanced two parent household where roles were clearly defined. I was close to both parents and I have several female siblings. I have dated some great black women and I married one. So no I am not a “hater” and you will not be able to use that to disavow this article. The mirror of hearts and attitudes does not lie so when you look in that mirror, what do you see?

BAD ATTITUDES: Many of you ladies are suffering from a damaged psyche or spirit because things didn’t go your way, because many of you were sexually molested when you were younger or because you came to think the world revolved around you, but it doesn’t. Many of you have a damaged psyche or spirit because your fathers were absent, either because he was the irresponsible and absent or your mom was the drama queen who ran him away. You have come to know that mom cannot be the father because she is neither built nor created to be the dad. And without the positive influence of a father, you didn’t have a standard to use in selecting a good man. So you picked like most people do, cluelessly. And you got a lemon. But were you a lemon as well? You constantly search for empowerment blackwomen-2015because deep inside you feel less than you should. You may even try to look like European or Caucasian women. You define yourself by your looks, your body and what others think about you.

Do you find yourself bitter, always on edge, disgusted with life and trying to quote Bible verses to convince yourself you are OK? The truth is, it’s the life you made, the men you chose and the legs you opened, but that can change. Now you find yourself ready to snap, yelling at the kids and in need of financial or counseling help. So you step out, desire and go for men who are willing to pay your bills, get your hair done and absorb your responsibilities. You are sliding into a material form of prostitution. That is the scenario for a great many of you, not all of you. Oh yes it is.

Some of you have inherited anger from your mother who had a hard time. Others of you have let past   bad experiences develop a bad attitude in you. So you carry this baggage to the next guy and punish him for what the last guy did. Many of you have inherited the attitude and spirits of the slave masters of the old south, attitudes that put down black men, controlled black men and expected black men to bow down and do what they were told. When you find a black man who can “flip the script”, you can’t handle it. I hear the negative, ugly condescending words that come out of the mouths of many black women and I hear the “slave master” speaking through them. Think about it. Try googling and reading the Willie Lynche speech to help you understand mindsets programmed into the black woman.

ANGER: I find that many black women are angry and at best, you only know a part of why you are angry. In relationships you got what you wanted but not what you needed, you picked a man based on shallow and superficial things that were guaranteed to change (looks, sex, cars, money, houses). You had to have the bad boy but only to find out the other side of the coin is much worse than the side of the coin you liked and wanted. Maybe you tried to play games and use men but you attracted someone just like you and the player got played. Here is a word to the wise. If you want respect, be respectable and respectful. Dress like a hoochie and you may be treated like one. Talk trash and you may be treated like trash. Treat a man like a dog and he may see you as a female dog – and we all know what that is. But behave as a queen and good men will see you as one. You set the tone from the inside that your outside reflects. Be what you are looking for and you are much more likely to find it – and to deserve it.

Sadly, ladies you are no longer the only prize, the only treasure. The good black man is the prize and much harder to find than a good black woman. So the tables have turned and good black men now know we do not have to earn a woman, we deserve a good one just because of who we are. Good black men are not impressed simply because of a fat booty and a nice weave. What is making some of you black women angry is the loss of power and control over what you once dominated. Good men do not bend over, bow down or back down to women. We are the only one on your list or we remove ourselves from the list. We are no longer settling, nor are we measured by what we have. Our bank account is not your business and our money is not your money, it’s our money. That means it’s that much harder for you to get a good man now, especially since we have a ton of women seeking us from every race or ethnic group. Only the low self-esteem men who have no sense of self or identity are still buying, renting, begging and trying to earn women by paying your bills. Can you handle this truth? And you need to be careful because anger is contagious, thus you are spreading it to your children.

UNSTABLE BEHAVIOR: Many of you have chemical or hormonal imbalances which are causing erratic behavior, personality dysfunctions, erratic mood swings, anger, bad attitudes and keeping you off balance. This could be coming from low levels of iron in your body or lack of dopamine or serotonin in the brain, as well as artificial and deliberate manipulation of your hormones like birth control pills. Your hormones may be out of sink and you find yourself constantly behaving the same way a woman does during her monthly cycle or when she is pregnant. Many of you are suffering from stress with no suitable outlet, bi-polar disorder or borderline personality disorder and you don’t even understand why you act the way you do.

I hypothesize that much of the erratic behavior among black women in the last 5 years is being artificially produced in you because you are a target of the powers that be. I would suggest to you that there are at least 5 elements that were strategically planted to attack your hormones, mind and body chemistry, and thus your behavior. I would also suggest to you that the increase in your irrational behavior, mood swings and bad attitudes is being caused by a combination of the following: (1) the chemicals in your weave and hair care projects, (2) the chemicals in your makeup and cosmetics, (3) the chemicals in feminine hygiene products, (4) the chemicals in birth control and (5) the chemicals and food additives in your diet. Any combination of these could tamper with your estrogen, your progesterone, dopamine and serotonin.

While community and sociological factors like income, environment, relationships and family/upbringing are contributors to the problem of your attitude and behavior, I suggest they are not the major causes of how you act, think or feel. Your thoughts, attitude and actions are being manipulated artificially – and until now, you didn’t even know it. Keep in mind that I acknowledge there are trifling, lazy, sorry, manipulative African-American men who use women. I also acknowledge that so many broken African-American men failing to step up has contributed to role reversals and you being forced into roles you never wanted to occupy. But I would suggest to you that in many cases, they make your problems worse, not cause them. The reason you choose the men you do goes more to the root of the problem.

CONFUSED: Many black women do not know what they want. A good man? An intense sex partner? A man to pay your bills? A man who will do what you want while you do your thing? A father for your children? Your “baby’s daddy” to act as you think he should? A lesbian woman stud? A lesbian woman femme? God to do what you want? A better job? Your kids to act like robots and be quiet all day? A thug? A man of God (as long as you can do as you please and not submit)? Too many of you are very confused and you cannot focus on what’s best for you. Therefore you end up trying to mix things that do not mix and you then have a mess. You need to know what you want, what you need and that you deserve the type of man that you seek.

Here is another reason many of you are confused. Roles are confused in this society and in our culture in particular. Like it or not, when a group leaves God, it goes astray and becomes lost. One thing is certain, no matter who you consider God to be, no religion or sound belief system teaches God is homosexual or lesbian. In fact, such behavior is not condoned by Catholicism, Christianity, Judaism nor Islam, to name a few. Sadly, many of you do not know if you are a woman or a man, if you want a woman or a man or the clear cut divine purpose for either. And saying “Jesus loves everybody” does not mean He loves the deviant behavior everybody follows.

IN DENIAL: Are you are willing to connect with women who agree with you, even when you both are completely wrong? You find yourself making excuses that the problem is everybody else but you. Let you tell it, It’s the job’s fault, the man’s fault, the kid’s fault – anybody’s fault but yours. This is denial at it’s worse and it’s time to look in the mirror. You chose the job, you chose the man, you chose to have kids. So the real problem may be in your ability or lack of ability to make smart choices. And please stop taking advice from anger, bitter, alone or confused women.

Your solutions are not that hard so don’t worry, but they may run deep and they may not happen overnight. They may be psychological, sociological spiritual, medical (biochemical, hormonal) or financial. They could also be a combination of any or all of the above but they can be handled and resolved. You can be happier than you have ever been, full of peace and in the loving, lasting relationship that will change your life. Did I change my tone? Yes because the hardest part is a cold bucket of water in the face to get you to see your problems.

The solutions may be easier than you might think. The first thing you have to do is look in the mirror and stop blaming anyone else. God may be the door to your happiness but you are the key that unlocks the door. The next thing you have to do is identify the real reason you are unhappy or angry and find out the root of the problem. Why are you angry or depressed or bitter? Does it go back to a past relationship? Does it go back to your childhood? Is there someone you need to confront or forgive? Or is it biochemical like depression can often be? Third of all, you need to attack the problems with everything you have within you. Generate a plan and track your progress. Monitor your actions and reactions. Have you made progress from where you were last week? Last month? Last year? I could give you more solutions but my goal is to get you on the right proactive track, not to give you all the answers.

But I will tell you this, your future is up to you. You can therefore make it as bright, powerful, prosperous and passionate as you want it to be. If you are hurt, it’s time to heal. If you have been knocked down, it’s time to rebuild. If you are dead inside, it’s time to feel. If you are in denial, it’s time to get real. You don’t need to keep visiting Woman Thou Art Loosed and crying or throwing up your hands. You are already free and “who the Son sets free is free indeed”. Believe it, act like it, live like it and love like you know. No more living with ghosts of the past who refuse to go away or the hurt little girl you once were. Choose peace, choose happiness, choose love and passion and prosperity. And please remember the only way you will stay in bondage is if you keep yourself and others locked up. Today is a new day and the first day of the rest of your life. You can do it. Good luck.

Staff Writer; Marque-Anthony


32 Responses to “What’s Wrong With African-American Women?”
  1. Rod says:

    Well I will go back and finish reading this article but one this I must say is that when you got to the part of blaming the “slave Master” you lost me. The attitudes of black Americans are not caused by slavery that ended over 150 years ago. Please stop blaming white people of the past for our problems today. This is a modern Black american attitude problem unique to our race.

  2. Jamaal Michaels says:

    Black women think Black men are screwed-up, criminal, substance abusing, self-centered , violent thugs just looking to get laid.

    Black men think Black women are greedy, selfish, manipulative, self-centered, noisy, impolite, uncultured, obese, rude, loud, hateful, shrewish, skanky, and unwashed ho’s, just looking to get pregnant so they can get that baby money.

    Great news! We’re both right!

  3. Doctor Abe Plato says:

    One of the big problems that blacks in the US and elsewhere have is the support it’s leaders from the 1950’s and 1960’s had from the old Soviet Union’s KGB, i.e., both ML King, Malcolm X and many others (many of whom are still alive today) while not “trained”in the since that, as many African blacks did, attend Patrice Lamumba University in Moscow, nevertheless many of their speeches, and most of their income were supplied by the KGB and sadly most of them knew it. Further, the funding that required those same men and women to listen to their KGB Controllers was not merely designed to sound good to American Blacks, i.e., “You’ve been the victims of white people for centuries,” etc., is mostly untrue (black people have been know to white Europeans for only a few hundred years whereas black Africans and white Europeans have been enslaving each other for literally THOUSANDS OF YEARS and it is a fact then that not only were whites the first slaves in the US (because they were the first slaves in Europe) but the actual fact is that black slavers were the folks who sold black slaves to white Europeans–so NOTHING is as clear as Americans were told.
    Further, if you understand that when American blacks did what the KGB planed for them, riots and all the anti-social activities the Soviets had planned for them that they were being used is EXACTLY the same way by the Soviets that they were told American whites had done to them.
    Moreover, the US “press” was, and actually still is, to blame for much of the problems blacks have because according to the Mitrokhin Archives (secret KGB files smuggled out of Russia several years ago and translated and published by many sources for over 20 years) they American media accepted anonymous letters from the KGB as fact without ever checking who wrote the letters in the first place–even down to the “red dress” J. Edger Hoover was suppose to have worn–shear fiction.
    Meaning… For example when Malcolm X talked about the mistreatment of black women he was only saying what he was told to say by the Soviet Union and was simply following orders like so many in the so-called civil rights movement–all of this is documented and available to anyone who is interested in the whole story about how Americans of every color were used as solders and virtual slaves by the KGB of those days…and who are still being used by the current leadership on the Left.
    Black men and women have a lot of work to do before they can come around to being their own masters and the first step is learning the truth about what you have been told by people who’s only motive were fame and profit. For the rest of black America if you feel like you still need to be slaves to the past, please disregard all the above, but your naivete will keep you as house-boys until you decide to think for yourselves and free yourselves from the people who want to keep you as their soldiers and dying for them not for yourselves. Dying for their ideals not for yours.

  4. It Is True says:

    It is real fact that the women in the past really did put today’s women to shame altogether.

  5. educatedblackman321 says:

    This article is perfectly on point. But he only barely touched the surface of the lack woman behavior problem, plus he left out a huge point…black women dont know how to love a man because their own mothers taught them to love what a man can do for them instead.

  6. Dani says:

    Reading articles and comments such as these makes me really appreciate that I no longer live in the US. To read such hate directed towards both genders without any consideration of the racial and economic restraints that created the social conditions which engenders these behaviours is reckless ignorance.

    I’m not even sure how I got directed to this page via my google search black female identity, but I thank my lucky stars that I don’t live in such a toxic environment nor will my children.

  7. TERRY says:

    I see so many angry women of color on the comments..I understand your anger but the same way you cant blame your new boss at your job for things your old boss did at your old job….I THINK WOMEN OF COLOR IN MY EXPERIENCES..IT STARTS WITH NOT HAVING A FATHER.POINT BLANK PERIOD..BUt ladies thats not my fault..I am a unique human just like you…i have unique flaws.unique thought processes…

    I applaud the author because he is being so so Nice…and he is still being crucified..SELF HATE IS HONESTLY THE REASON…SELF HATE HAS NO SPECIFIC RACE OR GENDER…BUT WHEN YOU DATE OR MARRY SOMEONE WITH SELF HATE..YOUR LOVE WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH FOR THEM…I would suggest every blacc man and women try dating an unoppressed race at least once in their life…We have to learn how to be in a healthy relationship..the truth is many of us have never been in a healthy relationship

  8. TERRY says:

    Wow I just had to comment because ..Sometimes as a young i would consider successful man of color…I have literally just texted my girl sometimes..simple things “like what did you do yesterday” and it would turn into WORLD WAR 3…this happens so much I just had to google and I think BLACC MEN REALLY NEED TO READ THIS..BLACC WOMEN OVERALL WOULD TAKE OFFENSE…I ALWAYS REFERENCE TO MY GIRLFRIEND THE WILLIE LYNCH LETTER….WE ARE a damaged people…but I have said this once and will say it to I die…Blacc women seem to blame blacc men for their problems… but WE DONT OWE THEM ANYTHING..UNLESS WE HAVE KIDS OF COURSE AND EVEN THEN ITS should be boundaries to that….THIS MAN IS LITERALLY IN MY BRAIN WHEN HE WROTE THIS..AND BABE IF YOU RUN ACROSS THIS ARTICLE NO DISRESPECT BUT YOU KNOW MOST OF THESE THINGS YOU HAVE HEARD ME SAY

  9. Koko Queen says:

    The fact that he typed “out of sink” took me out of it; I am an educated black woman who pays attention to details and this one just ruined the article for me.

  10. This Is Why Many Of Us Good Men Are Still Single Today says:

    Everything Unfortunately.

  11. Truth says:

    American white women are just as Horrible.

  12. TeLinda Truth says:

    Out of all the African American women in the world (or any group of people in the world for that fact); does the writer really know enough African American women to say how all or most African American are as an entire group? No offense but this reminds me of how police profile and kill Black men and get away with it because the general assumption is that Black men are savage, hostile and dangerous!

    Read this;

  13. Harveir Black says:

    This article does speak volumes. I have been married twice; the first marriage divorced after seven years of marriage and the second marriage annulled within six months after the vows were exchanged. I was engaged recently and that did not work out either. I sincerely will begin to say that words cannot even begin to bear the disrespect and the emasculation that I have endured over the years. Let me make it clear that I am not a saint and have not always done everything right. I do agree with various aspects of this article regarding black women inheriting their attitudes from their mothers. Its a generational thing passed down through the bloodline that actually opens up doors to other issues such as mental illness, health issues,poverty, and sexual perversion. I look at myself as an African American Male who has multiple college degrees and a multi professional and I go through this self examination of what is wrong with me. Why do I attract women of this likeness. It has become a trend. I have been called out of my name multiple times, emotionally, mentally and even physically abused along with a personal slander on my financial status as not being elite due to the divorce that I went through along with supporting and providing for my child out of that marriage.I have always taken on the financial load with whether it be paying the majority of bills, paying for dates, and buying gifts with receiving little to nothing in return. Let me mention that yes I have primarily dated and been involved with nothing but black women. I don’t want to be shallow to make the response that maybe I should seek women of other ethnic backgrounds. I feel that all ethnic groups have their issues with the different genders. I am however discouraged and for the most part given up. I can really go further in this discussion but I feel that it would turn into a book by the time I have completed it.

  14. Jordan Course says:

    As a 21 year old Black Man who has just graduated from a 4 year university, I’m looking to find the woman thatbm suits me. In my generation black women are so hung up on how much a man makes, rather than what he knows. I have approached many women and all they care about is how much money we make. I was raised in a household with my father until I was 8 years old, then he moved away. Growing up, my mother taught me as much as she could. In high school every guy wants the most attractive female but little that we know they’re not about nothing. Black women have become so self -centered and ego heavy that basically turns us black men off. I’m still trying to figure out what the he’ll happened to our women.

  15. A Virgin Tomorrow says:

    The black race is broken, with no need to specify a gender. Black people raised with responsible fathers don’t reflect the pathology of black people who are raised fatherless. Newsflash: fatherlessness is just as apparent on black MALES as it is on black FEMALES. I can spot all the earmarks a mile away. Sadly, as the false, negative rap music-promoted identity becomes adopted as the norm, thanks to the systematic efforts of the Music Industrial Complex, fewer and fewer black people are being born to responsible married couples who don’t subscribe to rap music values. The number of black people born into fatherless homes with mothers that are ill-equipped to raise them with the life tools they need to survive has reached a critical mass. The black race is broken because black PEOPLE don’t understand personally accountability. This ridiculous on-going need for one gender to blame the other is more evidence that black individuals are typically not mature enough, not accountable enough to look in the mirror and see what THEY are doing to contribute to the broke race. No, it’s not me, it’s black women! No it’s black men! You’re all fcking immature, lacking self accountability fools. Our race is broken because our enemy is using tools against us that we have mistaken as gifts. Rap music and that value system it promotes– mindless materialism, reckless sexuality, an adolescent mindset that doesn’t promote role models of responsible grown men and women, criminality, objectification of the black woman, it’s all a trojan horse. Black people do not make rap music. Black people are HIRED TO deliver it to the black race. The folks hiring them are training our youth to owe compound interest without knowing what it even is, while they teach their own youth how to earn it. If you are unaware of the weapons your enemy is using against you, you have lost the war. Warring among ourselves just makes us look more ridiculous and worthy of the disrespect we get from others.Open your eyes,black folks. And grow the hell up.

  16. Kenny P says:

    This article is dead on. I think a lot of issues also comes from lack of exercise. In my experience, many black women don’t workout which leads to all sorts of issues. Though, I love black women, if they don’t exercise I don’t date them. Putting hair over general good health leads to long term issues that I want no part of.

  17. Keisha says:

    As an AA female, this was an honest, in your face article and I loved it. Sure I rolled my eyes and said whatever but I honestly saw myself in some instances. Just like when I’m in church and pastor steps on my toes and says something I don’t want to hear but need to hear!! I appreciate your honesty. The truth hurts but if it’s going to make me a better person, I can respect it and receive it!! Namaste Brother!!

  18. Lealea J says:

    Interesting, comments left on for this article and to the contrary, “What’s wrong with black men?,” comments turned off. Interesting, 362 likes for “What’s wrong with black women and for black men, 13 likes.”

    I like statistics. So in regarding variables, one can ascertain that 1.) people are drawn to the negativity of the black woman as much as they are drawn to Maury, Housewives, HipHop, video hoes, like skinned/darkskinned hatred (not as real as people like to make it) 2) people consider black women ugly, and as we may already know, prettier people are treated better 3) disrespecting someone who doesn’t respect or regard themselves, is just putting them in their place. Socially justifiable to the masses because black women are considered the “lowest on the totem pole.” In most instances, if and when a black woman has had enough and stands up for herself, “There’s that angry black chic that we expected, nothing but bitches.” 4) The average black woman has had multiple men of all different races hit on her but with daily and condescending regard, we are told we are unworthy, ugly, nappyheaded hoes (oh, this phrase is still funny to average human being and even used by many of us black women, to get a laugh, but sometimes, we laugh to keep from crying…sometimes, we even lash out with anger(our stereotype) to keep from crying) and disgustingly hateful.”

    The whole world is taught to find themselves, to know who you are and to believe it. So many black women have found themselves and instead of seeing anger and ‘uppity’ bitch, why not see a woman who has found herself and loves herself, especially since, daily she’s told she is nothing (wouldn’t you ‘fight’ against that, if you knew yourselves to be the contrary). It would be nice if the world around stopped confusing anger/frustration or manipulating the use of the words(starting a confrontation or just lying to justify being hateful), and instead, looked at the black woman in front of them, individually. So many educated, beautiful and kind black women, who really just want to be treated individually. So many black women adhere to the standards of virtuosity and then, are relegated to trash the minute she disagrees. Example: I did not want to give my opinion on a matter at worked when asked and the person said, “Hum, what.. you don’t have an opinion, all black women have an opinion, well that sho’ is different (with their hand in the air).” Interesting is what I thought, interesting…

    Take a fair and honest look, how many other races of women in this world do people call ugly and nappyheaded hoes. Again, one could accept as fact of being ugly, if our daily lives didn’t present a different story. I speak for many black women, in that, we get hit on a lot. However, we also get called bitches and hoes, when we respect ourselves and just want to live a normal life. I was taught to take a compliment, say thank you and move on. To never take from a man, if you were not seriously interested in dating him. Even with a ring on my finger, I still get hit on and called a bitch, a hoe, or ‘you are not all that anyway,” and whatever else one fancies that’s negative, simply because as a black woman, “How dare I reject them, or anyone for that matter?”

    Again, comments turned off (as of 9:02AM on March 2nd) to protect the black males’ article and comments on for the black female. Highly acceptable to talk down about black women, like a modern day fad. While I do believe that conscious self-evaluation is highly needed for black women, I believe it is needed for everyone. Everyone, should stop for a moment daily and say to themselves, “How can I be a better person?” Lastly, 362 likes (female) vs 13 likes (males). Again, people love to hate black women, and black women, “How dare you stand up for yourself when you are called a bitch, ugly or worthless, know your place and shut up!!! (sarcasm)”

  19. Rain says:

    I agree with this article as well as the AA men one. Fair and balanced.

  20. Marque-Anthony says:

    I saw many responses to my article on Facebook and if you highly resent the article, the chances are that I am inadvertently talking about you. It’s hard to look in the mirror and see the truth of who we are, but that is the only way change begins.

    As a family and relationship counselor, mediator and life coach, I remain more objective than most – and I have to in order to be impacting and effective. People do not have to agree with me and I certainly do not know everything, but the truth in the lives of angry “black” women speaks for itself. Conflict, lack of peace, confrontation, always on edge, destructive relationships or bouncing from man to man are all classic symptoms of exactly what I speak of in my article,

    If you notice, I also wrote an article entitled WHAT’S WRONG WITH AFRICAN-AMERICAN MEN. I noticed on Facebook there were several women who got angry when they read my article. But did I hit the nail on the head or what? Any of us can live in denial while blaming others and trying to convince ourselves we are OK, but for many people that is just not true. But it can be, if we have the nerve to deal with our problems and issues while confronting those attitudes, thoughts and behaviors that so easily best us.

    For those of you who have read my other articles on this site, you know by now that I have a very balanced approach. That is what makes me very effective in what I do. My knowledge of spirituality, Christianity, Islam, psychology and sociology.I want to ask how many of you actually out there changing lives everyday? How many of you in couraging people instead of just bad in your opinion that I am wrong or something? I never ever walk in denial. Can you say the same?the counseling, mediation and life coaching all for changes lives, rebuilds families and relationships. For those of you want to criticize this article, what do you do?

    The idea was to get you ladies talking, thinking, looking in the mirror and correcting yourself – not to simply get you to agree with me.

  21. Marque Anthony says:

    this article is a fair and balanced as well as accurate assessment of African American women in general but not all African American women have these problems. Too many of you do however. And trying to discredit my article in order to deflect your issues or exemplify denial will never help get anything resolved in your life, and your finances, and your spirituality or in your relationships. This articleis written for those African American women who want to look in the mirror because they know something is wrong internally or spiritually or psychologically or sociologically or biochemically. If you want to stay in denial, nothing would ever get resolved.

    Karen I get it very well. Its what I do for a living and it changes lives every single week for over a decade. You really need to get my book and read it. It will be out by the end of the year with a publisher that is running 50,000 copies on the first run. When does your book come out and what do you do?

  22. Marque Anthony says:

    I am the author of this article. Everybody has a right to their opinion and everybody should respect each other’s opinions even if they do not agree. That being said, this article is not just based on my opinion. It is based on over 20 yearsas a former detective who has handled a lot of domestic violence cases, a mediator, a minister, a counselor, and a life coach. It is not just my opinion because it is also based on research and thousands of people that I have counseled or mediated. So when some of you are criticizing so harshly, I wonder what your opinion is based on. Or are you the very people I am talking about? Everyday I help people who have these problems, especially women who know what I say is true. So for those of you who disagree, either you do not have that problem or you are in denial.

  23. Dallas Matthews says:

    I’m revisiting this post as I was curious to see the responses from both men and women.

    @Hollister: I do concede your thought.

    @Karen A. Meachem: You wrote, “I read the article and it was definitely written by someone who don’t really get it. I strongly feel that the reason why there are so many articles like this instead of the hate videos is because many black women are seeking other and are broadening their horizons.

    1) You invalidate everything you said initially by essentially saying that since you (black women) have not met the return on investment in black men, metaphorically speaking, that your only resolution is to cop out and seek these things elsewhere. I seriously laugh every time I read or hear a black woman spew such rhetoric and garbage.

    The position you offer in my opinion is that Black women have been subservient, submissive, and 100%? stood by black men through the diaspora, great depression, harlem renaissance, jim-crow, Regan to Bush, etc. And, now somehow you are compelled to search for greater than in the arms of (White men, Asian Men, Latino Men) Nothing you stated in my opinion is plausible and with merit.

    Furthermore, how can an entire race of black men be held accountable for the actions of a those less than the sum of all black men, U.S. born or abroad?
    The same could be asked of black men regarding black women.

    For generation black women watched while many black men squandered the spoils that we all fought and died for on women of other nations but now the table has turned and many men think that the black women will somehow come crawling for the attentions of black men but at this point black women are too enlightened to lower themselves like that anymore”

    The position you offer in my opinion is that Black women have been subservient, submissive, and 100%? stood by black men through the diaspora, great depression, harlem renaissance, jim-crow, Regan to Bush, etc. And, now somehow you are compelled to search for greater than in the arms of (White men, Asian Men, Latino Men) Nothing you stated in my opinion is plausible and with merit.

    Furthermore, how can an entire race of black men be held accountable for the actions of a those less than the sum of all black men, U.S. born or abroad?
    The same could be asked of black men regarding black women.

    2) You state that just as some black men have decided to date outside their race, now you stand on the pedestal and declare your womanhood by doing the same and some how in this resolution you have reached the pinnacle of love, adoration, and find all that you have ever desired outside of your race in men that are not African-American.

    I say to you as I would say to any black man who has decided to do so: what makes you so certain that this man you have chosen, who as you stated must be other than African-American, has decided to roll the dice of chance and be with you with merit and not as an experiment, taboo, or just for the sake of discussion with his group of peers within his race how it was or is to have been intimately with a black woman.

    It is no mystery that white men and men of other races seek black women out for this instances alone. Yet you and others have the audacity to point the finger at black men as if black men alone have sullied your world image.

    While it could be argued that black men have been the subject of this taboo subsequent slavery, the 1800s and post into what is not 2015 the juxtaposing pendulum swings both ways. When is the last time you had a non-confrontational conversation or small talk with a black man without the end tell turning into a circumventing of what he is not doing for you and why yell it from the mountain tops that white men and black men are the now “it” and to get with the time.

    I think you and clearly every return post in this discussion completely validate the original author’s premise and conclusion.

    Sadly, he is absolutely right as his words have fallen on deaf ears, empty heart, and a society of women who have no intention to ever find resolution to the plague of division between black men and black women.

    Black women have no obligation to black men. You are entitled by God given right to be with whomever you so please. However, it is disheartening beyond belief that nothing the author has stated resonates or stirs within you to question the deplorable state of affairs between black men and black women. If we as a man and a woman can not meet in kindred spirit, I ask how could we ever co-exit?

    What I have written is from my own experience not fallacy or pretense.

  24. I read the article and it was definitely written by someone who don’t really get it. I strongly feel that the reason why there are so many articles like this instead of the hate videos is because many black women are seeking other and are broadening their horizons. For generation black women watched while many black men squandered the spoils that we all fought and died for on women of other nations but now the table has turned and many men think that the black women will somehow come crawling for the attentions of black men but at this point black women are too enlightened to lower themselves like that anymore.

  25. Hollister says:

    Funny I don’t see many comments by black women on here

  26. doubledose says:

    Let’s be honest brothers, women are different now. She’s not going to be the good wife 1950s style; she’s not going to approach you for a date; she’s not going to share her money with you; she’s not going to let you lead her – except when your paying –; she’s not going to have mercy on you in family court; etc.. You keep expecting her to change and she can’t.

    However, you can change by focusing on re/building yourself; improving your eating and spiritual core; redirecting your sexual energy towards exercise and learning a trade; read more books and stop watching television — except sport, science, news –; live alone; and spend time understanding the family court system as it pertains to men.

  27. DEE CHARLES says:

    I would like to start by saying there is a are lot of worldly truth in this article. I commend the author for including the spiritual acclamation of life. However, It should have been the first thing mention. To have a relationship with our maker for guidance throughout our lives and not making Him an after thought to our disastrous decision. It is vital also to be taught from a baby’s first cry. boy or girl, which will include those of lessor than 25 years old. The foundation is a must. If you really are looking for truth, lets start by the design in which we were called to live by. Yes the Great Book we indeed came with called the Word of God, with grace left to us from our maker. It is still the best principle to live by. Just as the author as stated, there will be some that automatically say, Here you go again. Some perhaps because of ones lack of exposure. Maybe even through fears and doubts about who God is and what is our purpose in his sight. Some may even think that His word has no relevance at all. You can’t be more wrong. Have you ever bought an item that requires assembling. Ordinarily, manufacturers instructions to follow are there for proper assemble. Yet, we open the box and attempt to put the item together by the finish look from the outside of the box, often before reading the instruction. That is until you run into the fact that there are too many pieces and or not enough left after you have taken time improperly putting the item together and spending your hard earned money on it at that. Only then you say, I better read the instructions to see exactly where I went wrong. Immediately, you find those instruction and start reading for proper assembly. We as men and women must read the word to learn proper assembling before wasting valuable time. This apply to ALL. There is help in the book for every aspect of our lives. It indeed is complete, never needing one other word added , nor one word taken out. If you find yourself fitting the description of this author’s script, there is good news for you 25 and older. Our maker is full of grace and mercy and full of second and third it need be chances to get right. His Word can cause a man to follow him, give him a woman who the man can lead and a family that can honor him. (Hint) It’s got to be by his design, otherwise, how dare we want blessing through disobedience. Try It His Way why don’t you and walk in obedience and expect his promise of blessing. Enough said.

  28. Nasir King says:

    To the original writer and author of this narrative, blessings to you for offering your perspective, and courage to open an honest dialogue that is long over due. I implore every person man or woman, who comes across this article to ask yourself did you receive it with an open mind or defensively?
    The depiction of black men and women by media, culminated with a long standing history of a plethora of social vices to continue to place a division between the what once was the ideal strong black family is continues to grow.
    As a man of color I will honestly tell you nothing pains me more than when I witness each group express their non desire for a counterpart of their own likeness.
    What do I mean you may ask; black men and women who adamantly express a self hatred or association to that which is responsible for their existence. As human beings God has given us free will. If a man or woman just happens to fall in love with another individual from a different background in earnest, how could anyone look negatively upon them. However, to disassociate yourself due to past negative experiences really speaks volumes to the inability of our offspring to endure occurrences and life situations as we witnessed our Grandparents and elders.
    To black women, I assure you nothing is more comforting and fulfilling than the love and adoration of a black woman. And, there are black men who understand there God given purpose of protecting and valuing Marriage, monogamy, family and children.
    All that conscious black men desire is for you to be a consistent and faithful counterpart, uplift us and not seek to emasculate us at the first sign of trouble in our relationships, and do not despIair or judge us due to failed examples from other family members or friends.
    Our children deserve shining examples, and if their is no change we won’t see future progress in our peers or generations to come.

    Many blessings, much love and respect to all.

  29. Marque-Anthony says:

    Becky I am a family and relationship therapist, counselor, mediator and life coach. I do the research, see the devastation and hear the horror stories, thousands of them. I look at the statistics and see the impact year after year in my field. That’s why I comment about what we should not put in our bodies. I am not afraid to stand up and say what is wrong, what is unhealthy, what is unproductive and what is self-sabotaging. As I stated in this article, I speak to men as well and I maintain balance better than most.

    Nadine than you for acknowledging the reality of it all

    Ladies to get my other articles email me at brainstormonline@yahoo.com

  30. Becky says:

    This article is very interesting. The only thing I can really say if black men and black women want to improve our relationships with each other responsibility must be taken from both sides. I don’t tell men or women what to put in and on their bodies because there are so many things that are destroying people. I’m a black woman and I can’t say reading this article made me mad. There’s a problem, but the name calling and finger pointing doesn’t help matters. From my own history of just living, black men are just as confused and corrupt as black women. It’s a problem but getting on the road to solving it will take both sides to admit wrong doing and be willing to change their own way of life first. We can’t possibly ask people to change and we remin the same. Very interesting reading.

  31. Nadine r Lewis says:

    I love this article. You hit it right on the black woman’s head.Chemicals, past relationships, and bad upbringing. I had to catch myself, yelling arguing and expecting too much from my new boo. I’ve learned to appreciate what I have and if its a little broke then work together and fix it. Heyy Im his QUEEN, my booby has told me this from the start of our love. He is my KING.Appreciate your man ladies, get your head and heart right.