Sunday, September 24, 2023

Is Chivalry Dead In Society Today?

January 31, 2013 by  
Filed under News, Opinion, Relationships, Weekly Columns

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( Some say chivalry died long ago while others stay it still exists. There is a third group, particularly within the African-American community, that has another opinion causing an interesting discourse. The idea of chivalry being dead is not disputed but the reason behind its death is. Are black women and their independent attitudes to blame for the death of chivalry? This is where the heated debate begins.

What exactly is chivalry? Well, chivalry or the chivalry code was a code of conduct followed by medieval knights throughout Europe. This moral system was enacted by protecting others who could not protect themselves showing honor, courtesy, gallantry, generosity and loyalty. What many people seem to forget today is that chivalry included all peoples. Knights who were exclusively male did have to respect women, widows and children but other men were included in that category as well.

Traits such as honor, loyalty and courtesy have always been maintained in the black community. A good example of this code is Southern hospitality. It promotes the same moral code and the migration of blacks during the Great Migration helped to promote these ethics North and South.

There are similar codes in place and practiced even when looking at those who are not considered “garden variety” in the black community such as top rappers, successful black business people and criminals. Many violent crimes begin with the idea of someone being a “snitch” or disloyal to gang affiliations.chivalry Within a less seedy world, all business people including black entrepreneurs appreciate doing business with honest, loyal and polite consumers or partners.

So while chivalry amongst black men can still be seen today where do black women fit in?

The heart of the debate stems from black women’s independence. It would seem that the feminist era of the 60’s and 70’s is a good starting point but there are cultural distinctions that put black women in a category of their own. While it was commonplace to have black families separated through slavery all the way through early 20th century lynchings, black women have had to hold together what remains long before the 1960’s; this premise is discussed in my book: Not All Teachers Are Parents, But All Parents Are Teachers! However, there has been a very notable change. On the surface it is easy to see the media influences like Destiny’s Child’s “Bills, Bills, Bills” and “Independent Women” not helping the matter. Past the surface though there are solid statistics to show the dissolution of the black family possibly having a very real effect on the lack of morals being passed down.

There has been recent controversy over the Republican Party citing a Fogel and Engerman study which states that about two-thirds of enslaved black families consisted of two parent homes or conversely, one-third single parent homes. The comparison is startling since the 2010 census shows that over one-half of the black family households in the U.S. are single parent only households.

While the usage of these statistics by Republicans was seen as insensitive, there is truth in the numbers for a much larger point of discussion. There has been a consistent and drastic decline in the black family from the 1970’s until today. Its dissolution cannot be blamed on hardships alone as numbers stayed strong throughout the country. After the emancipation in 1870’s Florida, 57% of black children lived with both parents and that number increased to 89% in 1885. Even during the depression less than one in seven black children were born to single mothers. That number was higher pre-depression not lower according to a study done by Black Metropolis.

Many cite the more lax attitude and policies towards welfare in the 1960’s. These new policies made it possible for mothers without job training to remain on welfare. The stigma of abandoning your wife and children to virtually die in a male breadwinner society was gone.

What leads black men to abandon their family’s easier than white men? Do not jump the gun too quickly. While black divorce rates and couples never becoming married outpace whites, whites are not that far off. According to the General Social Survey, 36% of blacks divorced compared to 34% of whites.

In the end, there is no one damning statistic or moment when black men as a whole stopped respecting the moral code once seen as the only way of life. This is because there are still black men who do respect all women no matter what color. However, the idea of self accountability is what should be taken away from reading this.

For every black man who feels a black woman drove him to disrespect women, there is another black man who loves black women simply because he came from one. For every black male who blames an unstable home for his relationship issues there is one from a similar situation who cites how it made him stronger. At the end of the day statistics cannot change who you have decided to become. For those black men who have decided to be proper, upstanding men, there is no blame game to be played.

Staff Writer; Stanley G. Buford

Feel free to connect with this brother via Twitter; Stanley G. and also facebook




16 Responses to “Is Chivalry Dead In Society Today?”
  1. @ hoodgirl and Ramses

    Thanks for the info. hoodgirl and Ramses for getting the conversation started.

    Black Unity means financial independence and happiness

  2. Ramses says:

    Peace queen much love….that booker t washington institute yours and much love on that info i definitely will be getting my hands into that info…..get that gwap….here’s mine……now people it just shows a black man and woman can talkabout money without it being the man asking the woman “how much it cost.” Lol….hoodgirl your presence has proven me right on this site for real….but you know us,,,,we live in the land of no excuses

  3. hoodgirl says:

    NO Twitter, facebook, nor have I ever texted. My husband pushed me out on the blogs a few years ago to share my financial experience with non-clients. Now he’s obsessing about me being open to him creating my own blog which is of no interest to me.

    I’ll let you know the next time we’re in Atlanta so the three of us can hook up. In the interim, you must pursue the Enrolled Agent and Series 65 designations which will open TREMENDOUS doors to you. I recommend using Arthur EA Review to study for the Enrolled Agent exam and Empire StockBroker Training Institute to study for the Series 65 exam.

    Once you pass the Series 65 I will assist you with creating an Investment Advisory Brochure to register with the State of GA as an Investment Adviser which has become unbelievably painstaking to Independent Advisers due to the implementation of Dodd Frank.

    This time of the year I roll 12 months into 2 months so the earliest I’ll be able to communicate with you again will be March, Peace & LOVE!

  4. Ramses says:

    good look sis….let’s get this money… more fun and games…we might have to do some biz in the future…you on twitter?

  5. hoodgirl says:

    Back at you Ramses.

    You will just be spinnig your wheels if you don’t pursue the Series 65 “shortest route” to tap into the Financial Industry or you will have to take the Series 7 and Series 66 which may require sponsorship from a Brokerage Wire House or you can pursue training to become a Certified Financial Planner which is a process that can take several years to complete.

    The Series 65 License allows you to become a Registered Investment Adviser virtually overnight and there are no Continued Education Requirements which can be extremely expensive with the Series 7/66 and Certfied Financial Planner designations.

    I recommend that if you are already in taxation and do not have the Enrolled Agent designation, do this before the Series 65 because taxation is the cornerstone of everything ie. wealth management, estate planning, financial planning, investment advising, etc. and with the Enrolled Agent “EA” designation you will be able to represent taxpayers with ALL Administrative levels of the IRS to include audits, collections, offer in compromise, release of liens/levies, innocent/injured spouse claims, etc.

    Taxation is the most lucrative industry with nominal startup costs where you can gain investment advising experience by assisting your clients with their 401k plan choices “free of charge” until you pass the Series 65 and become a Registered Investment Adviser which will more than likely be your clients only form of retirement planning.

    Many Attorneys and CPAs have pursued becoming an Enrolled Agent because we are the only tax professionals that are tested on our knowledge of taxation in relation to 1. Individuals 2. Businesses and 3. Representation, Practice and Procedures where we have a federally authorized license issued by the United States Treasury. Just google Enrolled Agent or go to and research the Enrolled Agent designation.

    By the way, A Federal Judge has ruled against the IRS for requiring that Paid Preparers be licensed and undergo continuing education annually which is a HUGE victory for the little guy who’s trying to come up. TIME to grind!

  6. Ramses says:

    It will be black people on here who years later will remember the wrods I worte on here and think to themselves “damn it used to be this brother on this website saying some real shit but most of us shunned him. damn we should have listen to him.” I never came on here looking for popularity: I came on this site speaking truth and even though truth hurts, it’s freeing at the same time. That’s the beauty of it. But because blacks reject truth, it let’s me know that they don’t seek freedom. they revel in slavery and I am not against slavery against those who reject knowledge. When you seek knowledge, you don’t need leaders. You lead yourself.

  7. Ramses says:

    Peace @hoodgirl…girl I will always send positive vibes your way because your way of thinking represents the way women need to think in order to be successful. Not once have I seen you come on this with the typical emotional, incoherent arguments most females come with which is actually refreshing. You respect gorillas!!!! Lol….That’s rare in this day and time. What woman wouldn’t respect a Man who speak as I do? I mean I speak about not running through multiple women, investing in men and women who are about moving forward business wise, and offer information that’s conducive to making that happen. Yet majority of the time, men and women get caught up in these emotional sparring matches that will keep most of these people on here begging Obama for a jobs program broke. I nevr speak in a subservient tone when it comes to asking the government for assistance because I have all the aid I need: control over my body and thought. And with this freedom of thought, I choose to gravitate towards information that will bring me billions. I am itching to crack on this book called “Investment Banking Explained” because ultimately I plan on having my own chain of banks in the next five years. Now you would think that black people would gravitate towards me, especially women. However I get those who hate themselves, thus making it inevitable they will hate me because I look like them as well. And this is why I had to cut black people off as a collective. Not you. But the collective. I can talk to you all day hoodgirl because you’re about getting gwap!!!! There is nothing emotional about the necessity of putting food in your mouth for nourishment. I live my life as if slavery has never happened and since I adopted this policy, it has allowed me to focus on my present state and future. I told my professor in 2006 that I came in this world as a worker but I’m leaving as an owner. Since I became a business owner, my thought patterns has shifted tremendously and i will never go back to that broke folks doctrine black people subscribe to. This is where me an black folks part. Forever!!! I wasn’t put on this planet to be poor. I know this with every fiber of my being. Hell do I talk like I have a poor mentality? LOL. You would swear I had a billion dollars in the bank now. So when I attain it, niggas won’t be able to say “oh since he got money now he changed.” Nah people wil say “nah he talked like this when he didn’t have all that money so it’s real.” I appreciate that info you gave me on investment analyst and plan on taking the course this year along with some wealth management tax courses as well along with some banking courses. I’m not playing with niggas anymore and I will leave them in the soup line cause it seems that’s where they are most comfortable: begging for food and handouts. Not me. Got way too much pride to let myself be put in that position and I was hoping that the end of the world didn’t come in 2012 because i was waiting to do battle on this economic front. While blacks complain about the struggle, I thank God for the struggle we’ve endured because if I can go through the things I’ve went thru and end up owning my own banks, niggas will never be able to use excuses. It’s an honor to meet this challenge that most black men on here cry about. I pull excalibur from the stone and look forward to swinging it. Alexander great when he was at the height of his power invaded India and came across this Indian ruler of a certain province who refused to surrender to him. When he was finally captured Alexander asked him “why did you continue to fight knowing who you were fighting against?” The ruler replied “I was never prepared to surrender. I would have preferred death than surrender.” Because Alexander respected battle, and the honor this man possessed, he not only spared his life, he allowed him to keep his province and rule with no interference. Black people are stuck in a 1960-1970 notion of fighting the “State” thinking that open rebellion will get them the freedom they seek. This is outdated and quite stupid actually when the reality these niggas have no weaponry to fight with. The battle that one must fight now is the devil within yourself that keeps one in a slave state. All I See black people do on here is criticize white folks and a president who is part Caucasian as if they have no culpability in their present state of affairs. This unwillingness to accept responsibility for their self-inflicted wounds (like integration) is childish and demonstrates the stereotype of whites saying blacks are “childlike” has merit. But what’s so funny is the fact that majority of black people on here are employed by some white person!!!!! I would never let these niggas make me feel like I don’t know what I’m talking about because I know I’m not crazy. This is warfare and in war you will see comrades get hit on the battlefield and you have to make split second decisions on whether to try to save them or to keep moving forward. I’m not saying don’t offer assistance to those who are in a position to receive it. But it makes no sense to try to offer someone assistance on the battlefield who limbs are blown off. Trying to assist people who are pass the point of no return will get you harmed yourself and in my best estimation, most black people are pass the point of no return because they are like the only people in this country who refuse to come together and build with each other. I got brothers and sisters in South America who look like me that I call family as well and they are much more numerous than the what 40 million here. Brazil has like 90 million people of melanin descent alone. I don’t have the time nor patience for a group of people who won’t invest in themselves. When you don’t invest in yourself, you are telling people that you are worthless so what do I look like coming up with an organization to teach you you’re worth something? I think you might know you better than me and I’m gonna take your inaction as evidence that you’re not worth a half of penny to invest in. I love the story you gave about the alcoholic brother because it proved what i said. Damn addicts got sense to get their shit together when their is something on the line, while other blacks keep regurgitating weak social science arguments I got tired of hearing in 2006. I’m like Lot in Sodom. God telling me to leave and I am leaving these people behind and I am not looking back because my heart is not with them anymore especially when they kill a man like Malcolm in front of his wife and daughters. I measure blacks by Malcolm’s life and what they did to him was comparable to what Jews did to Jesus and that’s how I know the original Jews were black. It just sounds like some shit niggas do because they are just hateful like that towards their messengers. Noble Drew Ali, Malcolm, Marcus Garvey, and countless others have been betrayed by niggas. Judgement is upon there heads collectively and like the scripture says there will only be a remnant who retains the favor of God and by the information I keep coming across in terms of spiritual science and materials science (commerce) I know I have God’s favor and that’s all I need. peace Queen

  8. hoodgirl says:

    @Ramses, People change themselves when they feel the need to. Addicts teach us this.

    I had a tax client who was a former Vietnam Veteran that ALWAYS came to the office extremely intoxicated. This gentleman’s eyes were bloodshot red. Suddenly one year he came into the office and I couldn’t pin point what was so different about him.

    Finally I asked the gentleman what was different about him because I knew there was a tremendous change in his disposition but couldn’t quite put my hands on it. He smiled and said he lost his brother who was his Payee Representative that never released his Veteran’s Disability Benefits to him unless hw was sober.

    The gentleman went on to say that when his brother passed he didn’t want to take another sip of alcohol. Just like that he change his destructive behavior. His story was so inspiring to me because I had seen him in such a destructive state and at that moment saw him WINNING so I told him as long as I had my business I would give sevices to him FREE of charge.

    Well he and I did our dance for many years until he joined his brother through the pearly gates. Ramses you are ABSOLUTELY correct, people change themselves when they feel the need to.

    FYI: It’s tax time you should be chasing paper at a minimum 20 hours daily. There’s alot of “GWOP” out here, Peace & LOVE!

  9. Ramses says:

    Yeah we differ on that and that’s fine….my outlook on life is obviously from a male perspective and men tend to take the long view in terms of strategies…I look at this situation as a war and when you recognize that it is one, then you have to devise strategies that will ensure your survival. I speak the way I do because I am about my survival. I want my genes to replicate and therefore if a society doesn’t offer the best women possible, based on my cultural values to do this, then quite naturally I have to find other means to satisfy this goal. Like Prodgy from Mobb Deep said years ago on the song “Survival of the Fittest” “there’s a war going on outside no man is safe from.” To many black people act in a way that is not conducive to their survival and that’s fine for them. However, it’s not fine for me because I place high expectations on myself to get the best of this world and in the hereafter. And I definitely have no time trying to make serious moves with people who are not serious minded. It’s the “mother” in you that is optimistic about your people and I get that and I will not bash you for wanting to believe in them. However it’s like the dynamics of family. A mother is a child’s first teacher. She teaches the children the law. The father is the enforcer of the law. When your mother says “if you keep acting like this I will call your father” your butt cheeks get real tight. There are times where the mother does not want the father to enforce law because she thinks she can influence the child to do better and sometimes she can. But when it’s clear the child has tuned the mother out, that’s when you have to bring in the big guns (father). The black community has had too much mother, and not enough father and American culture in general. This is why you have so many kids (and adults) walking around with mohawks, dressing improperly, and not knowing how to speak coherently and unable to express a complete thought. We have celebrated the notion of the “individual’ at the expense of the social fabric. It’s been proven to me on this site that most people (male and females) hate the fatherly perspective and despise also women of your caliber who don’t need to hoop and holler to get their points across and don’t consider themselves weak by giving men basic human respect. So it is clear that change is not what our people really want because if they did, they would change their behavior and the way they viewed life. But i definitely will not be putting my life, nor any chance of happiness on hold for the notion of changing people. People change themselves when they feel the need to. Addicts teach us this. So if an addict can change their self-destructive ways, what are black people’s excuse when it comes to their immoral ways? I watched my father fight emotional issues and substance abuse and redeem himself. However, he was able to do this by coming back to what he was taught: God. If black people are not feeling God, then I am not feeling them and this is how I easily write them off because when God gets tired of them he wipes them out. I am tired of them so I can only imagine how God feels. I didn’t write the law but I hold it dear and will always choose it over any sill notion of race.

  10. Deeann D. Mathews says:

    @Ramses Thank you very much for the kind words. It was a lovely experience, in an environment in which the gentleman were free to assume that they were in the presence of ladies… and so it came about. Everyone behaved appropriately, which shows two things:

    1. The basic understanding of how men and women are to treat each other is not yet gone from this particular community (even in the stress San Francisco provides)

    2. Good leadership deselects drama, and makes it easier for people to be on their best behavior. The event is run by some serious-minded brothas and sistas who are having no nonsense, and thus, over the years, a number of people who are looking from relief from drama and to actually get some things done have found a place to work together.

    That suggests to me that all is not yet lost, so long as condition 2 can be established, for condition 1 has not yet been obliterated among North American Blacks… though I recognize that is one of those areas where we differ in opinion.

  11. Ramses says:

    I tell women all the time “chivalry is only a reflection of what’s inside the woman.” What makes a man be willing to take off his jacket and lay it on the ground so a woman can walk over a puddle? It’s the energy that Man feels from the woman of his desire. You won’t do this for just any woman. You do this for a lady. Someone who demonstrates a humility and appreciation not seen in most women when it comes to the presence and position of a man. Chivalry is more about the woman than it is about the man. Many females are not receptive to chivalry because they are too manly to recognize what it is. One thing I can say about you Deanne is that you never have come across as anit-male or not feminine and this is why you get respect not just on here, but in your personal dealings with other black men. Although we have had our differences, they have been minor in scope. You put most women on here to shame in terms of how you’re willing to cater to a Man, while at the same time not lessening yourself as a woman. In essence, you display The Art of Womanhood. Many on here can learn a lot from you but as we see most of the time, too many are to belligerent to see the jewels that are constantly given to them from a woman’s perspective coming from you.

  12. Deeann D. Mathews says:

    I just have to brag on our Black men today… I was at a rehearsal for an upcoming event and a brotha stood up in the choir loft and said, “Brothers, we’re not rushing off in our cars — we need to make sure all our beautiful Black sistas get to their cars safely before any of us leave.” They got busy on all that; Meanwhile, some other brothas showed up — all volunteer and overeager — to clean up for tomorrow.

    Now I live only two blocks from the rehearsal venue, but one brotha who knew that parked himself by the door.

    Him: “Come on, Deeann — my car is just down the street.”
    Me: “Thank you.. I only live two blocks from here.”
    Him: “You’re not walking home in this darkness.”

    There was no room for argument in that voice; he would not be denied his duties as a gentleman. I could not even get out the door without another gentleman jumping in front and opening it. I just said thank you and I appreciate it and thank you so much… and was carried home in style, courtesy of an absolute gentleman. Chivalry among our Black men is DEFINITELY not dead!

  13. Deeann D. Mathews says:

    No, chivalry is not dead and I experience it every day from men. Then again, I have worked hard to cultivate the habits that the older women around me taught and manifested — and, my family line has very little divorce in it, so the values were passed on. I meet gentlemen every day… but I was raised to be a lady among ladies and gentlemen, and have accepted and embraced the values my elders passed on. Like attracts like, to a point; I expect a man to be a gentleman toward me, and so I treat him appropriately, with respect and kindness, and gratitude when he also behaves with kindness and respect. I also have met a great number of Black men who are absolute gentlemen, ranging in age from 20 (yes, they do exist) to elder ages. I enjoy wonderful associations and warm friendships with such men. Like seeks and finds like as well.

    Chivalry is not dead, but in a society in which it is no longer the basic mode, one has to ready one’s self to find, give, and receive it. It is like treasure hidden all around…

  14. Ramses says:

    That’s why cats need to embrace brothers and sisters in Asia and South America….lot of untapped resources in these places. If you live in a land that is antithetical to your value system it’s too late to change the people because they are lost…it’s easier to met those who share your cultural values (marriage, family, God). Trying to convert people does not work. I’ve seen it on this website. People can see black people acting a fool and put it on “whitey” shoulder which God will not accept at all. People say the “white man has control over black people’s minds.” Well if that’s the case your God can’t help you. In the words of Reginald Lewis “I’m not going to carry my race on my shoulder. If I can be helpful to others, that’s fine, but I’m not going to do my work because I am a role model for all African Americans. That’s bunk. I’m not responsible for anybody’s life, I’m responsible for my life. I’m responsible for realizing my own dreams.” This here says it all. Why traumatize yourself by other black people’s shenanigans? Identifying with stupidity based on race is stupid.

  15. sankofa says:

    Sorry.. accidentally hit the send button before completing my thoughts. The reference below was to society in general. We on the other hand, due to integration and the pathological need to do away with examples from our past, are suffering the most because at the end of the day, this is a Caucasian based society, steeped in their own culture and norms. Whatever one may think of them. We have been sold the false premise that the females can do it on their own, and the government legislates this at the expense of families. Prior to the 1960’s our women worked outside, and like you said the families were more than intact. However, our selfishness is a microcosm of the larger society, who however, have the overstanding that they are the force on society to fall back on.

    There are brothers who are respectful and sisters who conduct themselves with grace and femininity, but as lone as we try to be…whether independent females are male feminist..whatever the hell that means, we will continue to be at odds with each other and the children and family suffers.

  16. sankofa says:

    You neglected the obviously large pachyderm in the corner of the room. This very same government that used welfare as an excuse to further disrupt the family, along with removing the traditional male role in the economy. Most employment are not only geared to female only or a (dear I say) “non sex specific work (i.e. telemarketing or sales clerk) but many of the gains that women were given were on the backs or from replacing the numbers of competent men. Europe is exploding because the economy sucks due to the malfeasance of the corporations and the largess of the government in dealing with multinationals.

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