(ThyBlackMan.com) What was once a common misconception about marriage is now a thought of the past. The idea that the work was over and the fun times have started, use to be one of the primary thoughts that came to mind when people thought about marriage. Now that the reality of marriage is shared more often, from multiple sources, the consensus is that marriage is hard work. Once two individuals get married the work has actually just begun. The work of merging two separate lives into one with the common goal of building something sustainable together.
The goal of this article is to share three tips that, if applied, will increase the quality of communication in your marriage. Communication is a big issue in marriage and, if not handled in the best of manners, can lead to divorce or worse, two individuals in an empty marriage for the sake of an outside reason.
Work on Yourself
The most important portion of learning to properly communicate is you. You have to be committed to learning yourself and changing the parts of yourself that are not serving you or your marriage. This means becoming aware of your triggers, figuring out what makes you happy, knowing when you’ve gotten into something over your head, learning how to calm yourself down, etc.
Every piece of additional information that you learn about yourself is a step in the direction of self-mastery, which is the cornerstone of effective communication. If you know all of the ugly parts of yourself, you are less likely to be offended when others point them out and can work on them in advance to better yourself. If you eliminate your triggers then the rise that is created by being triggered will no longer block you from seeing the bigger picture when faced with dealing with a difficult situation. Stress comes from the response to the things that take place in your life, not the situation itself, so if you control the response you control the effects of the outcome.
Step away when you are Overwhelmed
When your goal is to have a consistent and effective communication with your partner, the worst thing that you can do is start when you are upset, feeling overwhelmed or attacked. When you are in any of these spaces you are more likely to focus on your point of view, escalate the situation, and not get your desired result. If you are feeling any of these emotions and are not able to subdue them before you start communicating, it’s best to step away until you have those feelings under control.
The most important part is to let your partner know that you are going to step away and why. Let them know that you are not in the right space to effectively hear them or add anything productive to the conversation. Do not just walk away. Walking away without warning will only escalate the issue and cause your partner to be on defense as well, causing things to go downhill from there.
Do not Raise your Voice
This is something that must be agreed upon by both parties for it to be the most effective. Once the first person raises their voice, the conversation usually goes down hill from there. So both parties have to agree, however, if your partner does raise their voice it’s important that you remain level headed and do not join them in the shouting. This goes back to working on yourself because it will require intentional restraint. It’s natural for you to want to raise your voice when someone is yelling at you because when someone raises their voice you feel attacked. Just remember that although your partner is upset now and out of character, the goal is still the same, for you two to build together. So although they are acting contrary to, at that moment, you don’t want to add to the chaos and risk things being said or done that can not be taken back.
Once effective communication strategies are put into place in your marriage everything else will be easier to handle because both individuals are able to communicate about it in a positive manner. If you are able to get down the communication part of marriage, you’ve won half the battle.
Staff Writer; Sister Victoria X
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