(ThyBlackMan.com) A woman slaps a man’s face on TV, in the movies and in real life. The man is expected to simply be the bigger person and walk away. He is expected to be strong enough to take it. But people forget that strength of the male is not the determining factor as to whether or not a crime of domestic violence has been committed. Whether or not the man is the bigger person and walks away after being abused is not the determining factor either. Even the act itself is not the determining factor, as clearly defined by law. So let’s look at what they are not telling you about the big picture.
Clearly domestic violence is committed more by men than women and that is a big problem. But it is not all done by men and women are often perpetrators, aggressors and abusers too. This article is therefore not an excuse for domestic violence or abuse of any kind at any time. There is always a better way to resolve differences in a relationship. But it is also about the whole truth and fairness.
DOUBLE STANDARDS
We know for a fact that there are double standards in the judicial system and law enforcement when it comes to gender just as with race or ethnicity. If the woman slaps the man, society expects him to walk away. But if the man slaps the woman, presto, she is a victim of domestic violence and should seek help. If the woman slaps the man and he slaps her back, he is again frowned upon. If he tries to leave and she blocks him or takes his keys, he is seen as making excuses. If she follows him through the house, refuses to leave him alone and badgers or harasses him to no end, he is expected to suck it up and take it. Yet if the male insults the female and she slaps him, he is told he should not have “said that to her”. The double standards need to be exposed, stop and factored into the stats against men.
THE IGNORANCE OF THE “WALK AWAY” ARGUMENT
Nobody should hit anybody. Fair is fair and everybody should keep their hands to themselves. All this “never hit a woman no matter what” needs to be applied to both genders or it is simply an unfair expectation. Ideally it should never get to the point of violence because one or both parties should have the maturity to cool down, argue without violence or simply walk away.
NOT AN ISSUE OF SIMPLY WHO IS STRONGER
Another bogus argument used to justify the double standard against men is that men are stronger so we should be able to “take it”. What people are saying is that a man should accept the abuse and that is simply not true. Why should he? Every man is not stronger in every way than every woman all the time. And it is not a matter of strength as a factor if a 5 ft tall petite female hits Mike Tyson with a steal baseball bat in the back of the head. Nor is it an issue of strength if the female assaults the male while he is asleep – and yes that happens too. Nor is it an issue of strength if the female throws hot grease or hot grits on the male. Yet to make the woman the automatic victim, advocacy groups constantly refer to the man being stronger, thus implying that he has a greater responsibility than the woman.
As a former detective, mediator and marriage, family and relationship counselor, I can verify that all of those things happen more than you would believe. I have seen the police reports, read the narratives, read the arrest warrants, visited the scenes, questioned the victims and the perpetrators, read the medical reports and done the research.
For those who want to disagree, let me say this. If a woman slaps a man and he hits her back with less intensity than she used against him, the man is still seen as violent and abusive. In such case the strength of the man was not even a factor at all, but he is still seen as the bad guy.
Here is a question you may not like at all but it needs to be considered. If a woman is willing to hit a man who she knows is stronger than her, knowing she is taking a risk, why should society be more concerned about her than she has just been about herself? Why should we keep gender, size and strength on the table when she obviously did not let these factors deter her actions? And why should an abusive woman, though she may walk in denial of this truth, be exempted from the consequences of her actions when the man would not be if he did the same?
WHEN ABUSIVE WOMEN LIVE IN DENIAL
The false narratives today based on skewed stats and stereotypical perceptions allow abusive women to never see themselves as the abusers. Instead, and with the support of law enforcement, the judicial system and support groups, abusive women get away with violence while their male counterparts take the blame and the penalties. Such cases even devalue the legitimate cases of domestic violence against women and men and dishonor the victims. It becomes easy to blame the man when society does.
WOMEN AND EQUALITY
If women are equal to men, and I believe that they are, then why aren’t women expected to walk away? In this day and time of the MeToo movement and women pushing for equality (as they should), feminists have attached themselves to the women’s rights movement in an effort to oppress men, gain more rights than men and pay men back for what some chauvinistic, domineering, controlling, unfair and abusive men have done since America was founded. The same Caucasian men (initially) who founded this country, made slaves of Africans, attempted to wipe out the indigenous people and drug this country into every war America ever fought.
THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HITTING HER, HITTING HER BACK AND DEFENDING YOURSELF!!! Without making excuses, we need to realize that all aggression is clearly not the same. Obviously self-defense is justifiable. And we see from the “stand your ground” laws of today that when you feel or believe your safety is severely at risk, the violence you use may also be justified.
If a man is trying to leave the conflict and his wife or girlfriend blocks the door, what should he do? And in such case, should shoving her out of the way be considered as “domestic violence”? Men should not be exempted from taking actions for self-defense nor looked down upon when we do. Nor should we automatically be labeled as violent, abuse aggressors without close examination and real facts – not stereotypical perceptions and sociological assumptions. Let’s stop with the double standards.
Men should not be punished or stereotyped by perception for the actions of others simply because we are males. Nor should African American men be seen automatically as the guilty party in a domestic violence situation. And the stats are skewed in favor of the women as the victim before a court ever decides that to be true based on real evidence. The proof? I submit as proof the stats of how often the man is arrested in a domestic violence incident instead of the female on a national level and the likelihood of that happening.
How many women would slap or push a man and not consider it domestic violence? Why not? If he did the same to her, what would she consider it? Everybody keep your hands to yourself.
Neither a man nor a woman should be a victim of domestic violence. But society must stop elevating the status of the woman as more important by calling her weaker when it is convenient on one side of the coin then calling her equal to a man and just as capable on the other side. If she is equal there should be equal expectation, equal punishment and equal revealing of stats that show the whole truth to the public. I suggest you Google “domestic violence”, pull up the images and you can easily see a bias against the man is in place.
Look at the posters, TV commercials and campaigns – all slanted against the man. Very unfair when we are constitutionally guaranteed equal protection under the law Yeah right). Unfair when real numbers, police reports and medical reports can prove that men are victims at the hands of women much more than the media and organizations will admit. Again swaying public opinion, law enforcement and the courts against the man and ignoring that the law is the presumption of innocence until proven guilty. Today the man, especially the African American man, is presumed guilty until proven innocent.
THE STATS ARE INACCURATE
I grant you yet again than in most cases men are likely the perpetrator and that should not be happening. But you must agree, as stats will prove, that men are not always the abusers and women are not always the victims. Sometimes the reverse is true. On top of that, the numbers of male victims of domestic violence are much higher than the government, the media, law enforcement or the health departments and most monitoring agencies will admit. Why? Because men are far less likely to report cases of abuse or domestic violence at the hands of women, the numbers of men victims are even larger than the stats show. Men who are victims of domestic violence are laughed at, seen as weak and not taken seriously. If women were treated that way this backwards country would be outraged to no end. And I reference the FBI analysis that most victims do not report crimes against themselves as proof.
Before we look at some numbers, it needs to be said that the stats on women as victims of domestic violence do not exclude the false accusations. Nor do they always exclude the cases where the man is acquitted or exonerated. Once the female is labeled as a victim, it is highly unlikely the agencies keeping the numbers will ever go back and revise them when the man is found not guilty.
NUMBERS ARE NO LAUGHING MATTTER:
Men are at least 24% of the domestic violence survivors. (Natl. Crime Victimization Study)
- About 1 in 7 men ages 18 and older experienced severe physical violence by an intimate partner.
- Almost half (48.8 percent) of all men have dealt with some sort of psychological aggression by an intimate partner. This number is equal to women at 48.4 percent.
- Nearly 1 in 18 men have been stalked by an intimate partner to the point they were scared for their life or safety or the lives or safety of loved ones.
- Men are the victims in about 6 percent of cases of murder-suicide in which the offender is an intimate partner.
- An estimated 10.4 percent or approximately 11.7 million men in the U.S. have reported having an intimate partner get or attempt to get pregnant when the male partner didn’t agree to it.
- Nearly 8 percent of males who’ve reported domestic violence have been shot at, stabbed or hit with a weapon.
https://www.domesticshelters.org/domestic-violence-articles-information/men-can-be-abused-too
CDC RESEARCH ON DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AGAINST MEN: https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/the-number-of-male-domestic-1284479771263030.html
“Yet in 2010, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released data from its National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey — and one of the most shocking statistics wasn’t just the sheer total of victims of physical violence but also how those numbers broke down by gender.
According to the CDC’s statistics — estimates based on more than 18,000 telephone-survey responses in the United States — roughly 5,365,000 men had been victims of intimate partner physical violence in the previous 12 months, compared with 4,741,000 women. By the study’s definition, physical violence includes slapping, pushing, and shoving.
More severe threats like being beaten, burned, choked, kicked, slammed with a heavy object, or hit with a fist were also tracked. Roughly 40 percent of the victims of severe physical violence were men. The CDC repeated the survey in 2011, the results of which were published in 2014, and found almost identical numbers — with the percentage of male severe physical violence victims slightly rising.”
| ACCORDING TO THE NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE: https://www.thehotline.org/resources/statistics/ |
| Nearly 3 in 10 women (29%) and 1 in 10 men (10%) in the US have experienced rape, physical violence and/or stalking by a partner and report a related impact on their< functioning.[ii] |
| Nearly, 15% of women (14.8%) and 4% of men have been injured as a result of IPV that included rape, physical violence and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime. |
| 1 in 4 women (24.3%) and 1 in 7 men (13.8%) aged 18 and older in the United States have been the victim of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime.[iv] |
| More than 1 in 3 women (35.6%) and more than 1 in 4 men (28.5%) in the United States have experienced rape, physical violence and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime. |
| 27.2% of women and 11.7% of men have experienced unwanted sexual contact (by any perpetrator). |
LAWS OFTEN IGNORED OR UNKNOWN
When coming to a domestic violence call the police in many states are to determine the “Predominant Aggressor”. While it is often reported to be the male, sometimes it is the female. Sometimes she blocked him from leaving by getting in front of the door, taking his keys or even getting in the vehicle. Other times, when the male leaves, the female is at liberty to make up anything she wants. Without the male there to refute what she says (because he is expected to walk away or leave), the police often take the woman’s word as Gospel – even when evidence does not exist to back up her allegation. This happens all the time.
Being that I have worked hundreds of domestic violence calls and cases, I can tell you for a fact that far too many police officers neither know nor utilize the proper procedures to determine the “predominant aggressor”. The person identified as the “predominant aggressor” is the one who is supposed to face arrest or charges. Ask your local police officers what they know about the guidelines and see for yourself where their knowledge base is. Notice the irony that many of the facts you never hear about which could balance out the treatment of males and females are facts that come from the very research selectively used by groups trying to stop domestic violence against women. Yet if applied fairly, much of the information shows a true picture of what is actually happening, not always in the woman’s favor.
A “predominant aggressor” is defined in the United States as the party who is the most significant or principal aggressor. Police must determine which party is the predominant aggressor in order that the true victim can effectively seek safety, and so that offenders are held accountable.
http://www.stopvaw.org/determining_the_predominant_aggressor
https://law.justia.com/codes/georgia/2010/title-17/chapter-4/article-2/17-4-20-1
https://law.justia.com/codes/tennessee/2010/title-36/chapter-3/part-6/36-3-619/
Most men accused of domestic violence are not likely to know what I just told you. Many attorneys may not tell them. Law enforcement may not follow these laws. And organizations to domestic violence or protect victims likely will not say a word. Why not? Because they know this truth would change the narrative, the perception and the outcome of cases where the male/man was automatically made the perpetrator. So they are content in allowing the man to take the heat and the punishment, even to the extent of his rights being violated. And in many cases, even if he is innocent. Guys know your rights.
ABUSE IS NEITHER BASED ON SIZE, STRENGTH NOR GENDER. ITS BASED ON ABUSE
Now you know more of the truth, how they have skewed the stats, violated the right of equal treatment under the law for men and set deceptions in place that wipe away the presumption of innocence for men in domestic violence cases. Now you have a taste of the information they have not divulged and how these facts would likely change the discussions, perceptions or maybe even the laws regarding domestic violence. Now you see what law enforcement has not been following.
Now you see the tip of the iceberg of the bias against men and the cover up of it. If you dare to emphasize one expected behavior for one partner in a relationship and a different acceptable behavior for another, you have set a double standard that goes against the whole idea of equality. So for all of you who want to make only women the victims, you need to tell the whole story and be honest.
Staff Writer; Trevo Craw
