Black mothers destroying her daughters-How this is a mostly silent issue among females in the black community. : ThyBlackMan

Sunday, August 18, 2019

Black mothers destroying her daughters-How this is a mostly silent issue among females in the black community.

June 17, 2016 by  
Filed under News, Opinion, Relationships, Sista Talk, Weekly Columns

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( The African-American community is a complex map of dysfunction, bitterness, and blatant negativity. Many times the outside world is curious as to why black people are so screwed up. What’s also sad is that you see so much emphasizing about how black mothers are destroying their sons, but never anything talking about how they’re destroying their daughters. You can Google the topic about it and what pops up are a plethora of topics discussing the relationship between black mothers and their sons. The articles that are out here are more geared towards talking about how black mothers destroy their sons, but nothing is ever said about the damage they do to their daughters. The way black mothers treat their daughters is often times a silent issue because within the black community we hold black mothers to such high regard that if anyone speaks out about mistreatment or abuse they’re the ones who get harped on for speaking the truth. It’s known in the African-American community how mothers destroy their daughters.

The disturbing and sad reality is that many black women are often times suppressed by their mothers with negative and discouraging remarks. This could be either mother or grandmother, but either way young black women are destroyed by their mothers in some way shape or form. Daughters in the black community are not priority to their mothers they’re just cast aside for their brothers. This fuels into how many young black women are dealing with emotional, mental, financial, and spiritual discord.

Many daughters and granddaughters are degraded for their career, marital, and personal choices. Black women face a lot of hardship because if they make choices that benefit them it results in their mother and/or grandmother to treat them bad. Daughters are the ones who don’t have a lot of freedom to enjoy their lives while 0011-2016-blackwomanandteenageDAUGHTEReveryone else is free to enjoy theirs. Somewhere mom or grandma is making it hard for that daughter or granddaughter to have a life. It’s OK if her brother does what he wants, but she can’t and if she attempts to do something that enhances her life it’s a big problem.

In light of this the black community shields and protects mothers and grandmothers and turn a blind eye to the way daughters and granddaughters are treated, Yet they excuse the behavior of sons and grandsons no matter how trifling they are. Some of the effects of how mothers and grandmothers treat their daughters and granddaughters is lowered self-esteem, increased self-loathing, developing eating disorders, and decreased socialization. There’s little to be said about how young black women are often times the casualty of their mother and grandmother’s insidious ways.

Looking at the single hood of young black women also points to how many have mothers and grandmothers who discourage them from dating or had a hand in destroying that woman’s marriage or relationship. It’s a known fact that more than half of young black women are in fact single and have never married. Yet science does not look into the sociological and psychological aspect into why so many are in fact single and those who take the time to research can literally look at what part a black mother or grandmother played into that woman’s single status.

The topic of how black mothers destroy their daughters needs to be discussed and dialogue needs to be brought forth in conversation to address this silent issue.

Many black women don’t realize is how their mothers and grandmothers are actually destroying them from the inside out. Black women are conditioned from a young age to learn basic skills in cleaning, cooking, and housekeeping to prepare them for marriage. Also the change in generation norms has made it possible for a lot of young black women to have more choices in their lives as to whether they further their education to getting married and having families. When black women choose things that are beneficial to their lives it may not sit well with their mothers and grandmothers.

Reason being is because they want them to live their lives according to mom and grandma. It’s a waging war because so many women are having to leave home at an early age to escape the psychologic and emotional prison they’re trapped in. This can come from the fact that their mothers and grandmothers came from generations where they did not have much of a choice and their only option is to marry and pop out babies. They did not have a choice about going to school or having a career. This could be fueled by jealousy and envy where they wished they had more options in their lives, but seem to find it easier to suppress their daughters and granddaughters from getting ahead in life.

A black woman’s struggle is more about trying to increase her chances at opportunities that she’s discouraged from pursuing because she’s always having to duck and dodge her mother and/or grandmother’s negative remarks. It makes it sound as if the woman does not listen and comply she’s being selfish and likely will be presented to family as being disobedient and a troublemaker. Where does that leave a lot of young black women who are struggling to get ahead, but are having to put some distance between themselves and their mothers and grandmothers. This is a subject that needs to be addressed openly instead of sweeping it under the rug and where does it say that a daughter or granddaughter is mandated to live her life by her mother and grandmother’s standards?

The key word here is ‘mandate’ and sadly many are undermined by their mothers and grandmothers and are painted as perpetual failures if they don’t go into the career path, date a certain man, and living your life by their terms. A black woman’s happiness is of no consequence with their mother and grandmothers. The needy and often times selfish behavior of many black mothers and grandmothers is obvious by how so many of them seem to look for reasons to keep their daughters on an emotional and psychologically short leash.

Much of this borders on full-scale abuse because most young women are in the prime of their lives both personally and professionally and some mothers and grandmothers don’t want their daughters and granddaughters to live their lives. It’s a bigger issue than many really think and if you think about it a lot of this is gradually conditioned into girls growing up and when they become adults capable of making their own decisions its not something mom and grandma can accept. A young black woman has to learn how to break free of this by establishing herself and becoming independent of her mother and grandmother. Meaning holding your own not borrowing money or accepting financial help because that’s what will keep you a prisoner of your mother or grandmother’s needy and often time nasty behavior. Being your own person is what will stop a lot of this and help you rise and become the woman you were meant to be.

Staff Writer; Nafeesah Abdullah


18 Responses to “Black mothers destroying her daughters-How this is a mostly silent issue among females in the black community.”
  1. Carol Harris Walker says:

    Wow!!! What an article. I enjoyed reading the comments too. Thank God the conversation has begun, but I’d shy away from commenting on the “black mothers” and focus on all variables (i.e, postpartum depression, men leaving home/pregnancy, or maybe just blaming it on how religious people keep you their biblical box). Thanks for sharing.

  2. LinT says:

    Great article full of real truth. Watch when Mama becomes ill…the sons have better things to do but daughter is with Mama daily.

  3. Shairah God says:

    This article addresses some of the issues that “women” face at the hands of the women raising them. The fact is regardless of race this is an issue that needs to be discussed. It is a known fact that within the familial hierarchy women are convinced that we must be nurtures while men are providers yet the nurturing is always directed towards males. This is the beginning of the abuse and lies that haunt women through out life. I have always had issues with being told to “act like a lady, be sure dinner on the table, leave him alone he’s tired”. At what point in the day do those concerns apply to women and not criticize them. The worst part is that we look to women to comfort and provide understanding however this is often denied and over looked due to the lack of recognition or acceptance that there is something missing, without this piece you cannot instill it in anyone else let alone apply to self. I do believe that it is time for this conversation. All parties are not able to see/understand the fractured pieces they have been given because then they must admit that they endured a childhood and or parenting that most would call dysfunctional.

  4. Justme says:

    I totally agree with Giselle’s comments. You can not heal what you do not acknowledge. As a African American woman, my first concern is with what is happening our community…..comments such as “not all black women”….”it happens with other races” is just ridiculous.

    I totally relate 100% to the comments by the author. It took me my whole life to realize, accept and understand the abuse that I took from my mother and aunts. I spent my whole life feeling empty and unloved…but I could not put my finger on it. I could not identify the problem. Then I came across a article about narcisstic mothers…the fog lifted. Then I had the grieve my the loss of my childhood and then the anger set in. People you will never understand the emotional PAIN involved with understanding and accepting that your mom never loved you. Made decisions that were based in her best interst…..Painful….I dont know if I will fully recover…because as a child you just love your mother..idk….Not feeling loved and scapegoated my whole life just put on this path where I went out in the world and met people who treated just like my mom

    It begins with childhood brainwashing. I was 47 years old…yes 47 damn years old before I stood up to my mom. And I moved out when I was 18 and have been working since 12 year old because she was too cheap and selfish to spend any of her money on me. Well, once when I wss visiting my mom, she stood over me and was yelling…..I remember feeling scared to raise my voice at her…but at that moment I really saw her as an abuser and a controller. From that point, I became very very low contact with her. I am single with no kids and have never been married. …And I sure it is result of low self esteem from not feeling loved and supported. Did I mention, that worshipped the ground that my brother walked on!… She actually wants me to help her buy a vacation home…..not thinking about me… struggling financially by myself….she just wants her house

    I can go on and on about the selfishness, the envy and jealousy that I see in her eyes when I tell her something good happened for me or that I took a vacation. My mom actually thinks that I should take her on my business travel trip. For years she had me believing that I owed her for my childhood. It took me years to realize I owe her absolutely nothing….Especially since she put me to work at such a young age.

    The Guilt…yes I identify with guilt trips. It is a very isolating experience. Because you can not discuss black mother issues with most people. People will say that it has to be something wrong with you if you cant get along with your mother.

    I feel validated when I read articles like this…It really helps to know that its not me.

  5. Giselle says:

    I’m veeeeery late, but I just wanted to respond to Shannon. Even if she won’t see this there may be like minded individuals who come along later. Dear people like Shannon, when there is an issue about the black community being addressed or any community that’s not yours, please shut up & listen instead of finding ways to invalidate our voice by silly shit like “every community goes through this”

    And to the Marque Anthonys, please shut the hell up. You know nothing about the black community. Talking about “black is the color of a tire”. And feminism did nothing to the black community you asshat. Ugh i hate fucking dunces.

  6. Naomi says:

    So touching, emotional; can relate to this?

  7. Shannon says:

    As a white woman I know this is an issue seen within the white community as well, it’s a global issue as far as I can tell. Girls all over the world are treated this way to some degree, they are considered to be ‘owned by’ their parents, they are kept very close and under supervision or surveillance in the name of’protection’. All girls are taught to be mothers and wives, to clean and cook and take care of babies. It used to be that girls were taught to depend on men, to marry in order to leave her parents house cuz she can’t do it alone. It seems like now so many young women are taught to never depend on any man for anything, which is in part a huge reason why so many young women don’t ever marry i believe. Rather than be told never depend on anyone women need to understand that it is ok to depend on another person, that is what marriage is about.

    I never had thought about this issue from a racially divided perspective. But i do think that women, mothers and grandmothers, across racial lines, since they are the ones usually raising the kids are the logical people to blame or claim to’ruin’ or’destroy’ them. But i think as a society we are so much more critical and hard on black women than white women when it comes to raising children. White women are much less often blamed for damaging their sons publically than black women are, and less likely to be blamed for any bad choices their kids make period. In reality i dont believe its fair to say about any mom in most cases. There are those few moms of all races that just don’t seem to be fit to be moms, but in most cases parents all do the best they can with what they have. We all make mistakes, we all do things that will have negative impact on our kids. Its part of being human to be imperfect and no woman should be held to standards that are unreasonable.

    I would say that this issue rises from a perceived need to protect young women in many cases. Men decided that women need protection from all the bad things that can happen in the world so they are kept close to home. So maybe the issue is that we need to stop blaming women when they are victims and start blaming the people that women need protecting from, in most cases men, start punishing for crimes against women in a real way and make it safe for women to not be kept so close to home so that they can be free to do what they want just like the boys can. It would seem like a better way to actually make changes that would have lasting positive impact on all young women than blaming women for the patriarchal ways of society, it seems unfair to hold black mothers responsible for how all of society treats young women when its most definitely a mans world and this way of seeing and treating women came from a man’s perspective and his way of keeping women beneath him and holding onto his power over women.

  8. DebNBrooklyn says:

    I realize I’m way late but I just read this and just wanted to add something.

    When I read the heading I thought the article was going to be about the adult black women who conceal the rape of black girls by adult black men. I thought a solution of perhaps killing those males who rape and molest our girls and thus our women, might be offered.

    Instead I read a rant devoid of research let alone findings, conclusions and possible solutions. Nothing of why some black women might behave that way. No empathy for possible trauma or other mental distress because, I guess, black women or the mothers who stay are not effected by the same stresses as the father who leaves? Black women are not products of the same history that black males endured?

    Black women have already been accused of destroying black men and black boys. If indeed we are now destroying black girls and women, essentially ourselves – what reason is there for us to continue to exist?

    Would the author suggest we just “kill ourselves?”

  9. Ginny says:

    I was raised and grew up around the most bitter, mean, and angry black females. I dare not refer to them as women nor do I have any respect for ’em. These old pass ghetto females ruin the lives of their entire families. In every neighborhood I’ve lived in, these females are the absolute worst. Starting with the female who gave birth to me. She was a skank whore for as long as I can remember. She’s ruined so many lives, I wanna whoop her ass myself. But that mammy who’re ain’t even worth my freedom. My life is better without her in it..

  10. Sam says:

    As far as my relationship with my mother this article is so true. My mom gives my brother 0 issues. My mom has emotionally ruined me and pretty much ruined my life. It effects me in every aspect of my life. I’m 36 and can’t keep a stable relationship. Alot of times people don’t want to date me because of my mother. I’m a single parent and life is hard a hell for me to the point sometimes I find myself struggling to keep it together. I stay in a constant state of depression all over my mother.

  11. Beryl Jean says:

    As far as the how women are taught at a young age to cook, clean, etc, this is not just the way black females are taught, it’s the way all races of females are taught. This is across the cultures. This is a man made doctrine that men stared a long time ago and gullible, silly females follow the rule.

    So what you need to be writing is that black daughters are put down and cut off from their dreams and free thinking, not just by their mothers, but by their dads too.

    Someone with some sense needs to write some fair articles that don’t lambast and talk about females all the time. Besides, you writers here on this site have mothers, sisters. Grandmothers, and daughters.
    I dare you to write your articles about what men do wrong. You all make it seem that men are pure and perfect. You all put women down in an awful way. That’s not what true children of God would do.

  12. Patsy says:

    This article is very important because it denounces what has been going on for too long and unfortunately how some Black women mistreat their children is a worldwide phenomenon:

  13. Marque Anthony says:

    As a family and relationship counselor, mediator and life coach, I must say that marriage is and must remain honorable. Feminism have infected the psyche of far too many African American women and degraded thee value of the woman in the home. The stable home, tended to by the AA woman, is the launching pad for everything else – including confident children and men who can achieve. But feminism has sought to destroy that because it does not factor in equality yet with different roles.

    This article is interesting but while it tackles the problem, it does not offer any real and practical win-win solutions. Women still need men and men need women.. A woman cannot be both father and mother because she is not built to be both. And daughters need the security element that the father provides. Look at the stats which show the chances off runaways, early pregnancy, delinquency etc. by young girls when the father is not in the home.

    There is a difference between being independent when you have to and mutually dependent when you need to be, such as in a marriage. People are avoiding this because they are scared thee marriage will fail. So their solution is to be married but single-minded in order to protect themselves- not a good idea. They are better off staying single or focusing on how to pick the right type of person and letting go of the fear.

    There is a difference between being independent and individualistic as well. A woman who think she does not need a man is a fool and far too bold in saying “God is wrong”. The same with a man who says that as well. We are built differently to compliment the existence of each other.

    Remember BLACK is the color of your car tires, not the color of your skin. Wake up.

    I encourage the author to add some research for the findings and conclusions. Then add some win-win solutions or your assessment of the problem simply leaves your readers hanging. You can reach me at

  14. Stephanie says:

    Terrible article.

  15. Patsy says:

    Can you send me an e-mail via my e-mail address to make it more official before I post your article? Thanks!

  16. Nafeesah Abdullah says:

    Please share my article

  17. Patsy says:

    Excellent article! I would like to post it on my site. If the author is interested, please send me your e-mail to reach you. Unfortunately, there is also a psychological war against Black women outside of their homes and there are people who will try to do everything to stop them achieving their dreams!!!

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