The Influence of No Father… : ThyBlackMan.com

Saturday, April 19, 2014


The Influence of No Father…

September 14, 2012 by  
Filed under Fatherhood, News, Opinion, Sports, Weekly Columns

(ThyBlackMan.com) High School basketball star Tony Farmer stole his way into his ex-girlfriend’s apartment building where he beat and kicked the crap out of her. He took her belongings, berated her and attempted to drag her out of her building by her hair to do her further harm.

This was the beginning of the end of a promising basketball career.

This was also the center of yet another saga of a young Black man who was raised without the influence of men.

Were there men in his life? Possibly. But there was no central figure standing as father. And without that, Tony Farmer grew into a beast of a male, who, while still a teenager, held a festering rage within him that could have exploded at anyone it was aimed at.

Unfortunately, it was aimed at his ex-girlfriend.

This situation–both sides–makes it clear why Black Men must respond to the war on manhood that the nation initiated and that Black Women joined when they colluded with the system to remove the Black Man from the family and  the community.

In some less destructive manner, this has always been around in white communities and others, but it is running rampant in our community because too many children are being raised not only without a father, but without the influence of men.

My point is not to blame that little girl, or even to castigate that animalistic BOY who beasted on her, but to blame our entire community of adults for not understanding the consequences of allowing women to raise children without the influence of men.

Leaving women to raise kids alone is the worst thing we could ever do and as a community, we should be fighting the system and yes, fighting against the women who seek to keep men out of the lives of kids. We should also kick the crap out of males who walk away without even trying to fight. White men are doing it and the system is changing. But we celebrate single mothers like being a mother on your own is some damned badge of honor.

It is not.

For every woman claiming that she can do it all alone, this is what that looks like. Tony Farmer is your “good little boy.”

The fact that people were pleading for Farmer–not based on any obfuscated facts of the case, or even on what remorse he may have had, but based on his potential basketball career–shows a growing depravity.

The young girl/victim allegedly had a father in the home, but apparently not much of one. She apparently broke up with Farmer because he had been abusive before. If she had a decent father, Farmer would have been in front of the judge for hitting her the first time—if not six feet under. And, she most definitely wouldn’t be pleading for leniency (along with her family), because she would understand the gravity of a man placing his hands on a defenseless woman who didn’t attack him.

While there have been comparisons galore, this is not the same as the Rhianna/Chris Brown case, except that two twisted children without the influence of men got caught up in a hot mess that changes and even ruins lives. They were both violent—he was just stronger.

Farmer is an out of control boy beast with no man in his life who could control him or teach him self-control.

While the Black community in his native Cleveland rallied to save Farmer, they FAILED to rally to his cause BEFORE he beat that girl. Instead of praising and lifting him up after he became a criminal, that same community of “saviors” should have been placing men in his life who could have influenced him, so that when his girlfriend broke up with him, he would have taken the man route and simply walked out of her life.

Instead, he walked into her apartment building and committed several crimes for which he will pay dearly.

F” him and his basketball  career.

People can feel sorry for Farmer because his life has been diminished, but none of those who feel sorry even understand how much he was already diminished.

Eventually, he would have fallen anyway, growing up without the influence of man.

Farmer’s mother, Michele Farmer, said that her son was in love and had simply “made a bad decision.”

Yes, it was a bad decision, but so was the decision to raise him without the influence of man.

One day, we will pay attention to the studies showing how crucial a man’s influence is to a child’s development. Then, we will stop playing games, stop praising mediocrity and BS and we will garner men on every level of society to SHOW UP.

We don’t need another hero or martyr. We don’t need any movement that doesn’t involve Black men showing up and being present and consistent without obstruction.

I could quote any number of studies demonstrating the value of the influence of man.

Instead, I will quote the late Tupac Shakur, a broken man who realized that he would have been less broken with the influence of man: “I know for a fact that had I had a father, I’d have some discipline. I’d have more confidence. Your mother cannot calm you down the way a man can. Your mother can’t reassure you the way a man can. My mother couldn’t show me where my manhood was. You need a man to teach you how to be a man.”

Our community needs the influence of man.

Staff Writer; Darryl James

One can connect with this brother via D.L. James. Also follow him on twitter; DarrylLJ.

Feel free to also purchase his newly released book which is entitled; The Whirlwind or The Storm, LA Riots Perspectives.

 

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Comments

11 Responses to “The Influence of No Father…”
  1. Laquisha pugh says:

    I’m sorry but I disagree with this report wholeheartedly. My reason is because a boy can be raised by a woman if she knows what she’s doing. My theory for this situation is that at one point in this child’s life he had a male figure in his life whether it’s the father, mom’s boyfriend whatever. That male was abusive to his mother. Its the environment he grew up in. I commend all the good men wanting to raise their sons but the mother’s selfish as hell. My mom raised my brother all by herself but his father, my stepfather used to jump my mom in front of us so my brother grew up thinking that he suppose to treat women like that. My aunt raised two boys by herself practically by herself, they got into a little trouble but they grew up to be great men and don’t abuse their wives. In conclusion a boy becomes a woman beater because he was raised my his mom’s alone is BOGUS!!!!

  2. Liz says:

    Does the system or bitter women prevent black American men from getting marriage certificates? Then, why are they being blamed for the failure of these men to commit to one woman,have kids only with her so he can keep his earnings under one roof and his kids can benefit financially and pyschologically?

    The cassanova mentality of black men is responsible for most of the problems in that ethnic group. Every other group understands the importance of marriage in building wealth from generation to generation and looking out for each other. And yet the womanising with multiple baby mommas continue unabated. SMH

  3. Energi says:

    I still beg to differ in another sense. What about the high a** rate of single mothers in this world due to dead beat, no good daddies? These black men keep leaving these women high and dry. That’s what this article should be about!

    Also I believe women should get more credit for raising a child alone. How often do you read an article that’s complimenting strong black women who are doing double duty out here and raising a child to be a good man or woman?? All of these respectable young men out here that never had a father and would never put hands on a woman! Like myself…

    I don’t care, whether raised by mother, father, or both….I believe people will do what they want to do. That damn boy was messed up in the first place. I went to school with boys that beat their girl friends. Their dad’s influence just didn’t help. I’m sorry….this article just rubs me the wrong way because it is written to blame a child’s actions based entirely on the absence of a father!

  4. Mack says:

    Energi:

    Not having your father around may have been good for you; but not having fathers around period is bad for the community. You mentioned the influence of gangster music and movies on our youth. But if men were allowed unhindered access in their kid’s lives, Dad would be the biggest influence and not some Hollywood creation on TV or the radio.

    And not to diminish anything endured by you or your mother, but women get abused in relationships because they often choose the worst type of man to mate and procreate with in the first place. It happens…

  5. Mack says:

    Excellent post, and much needed. Calling this dude a beast is an understatement. He was a monstrosity. Because that’s what we create when we leave these young men in the hands of doting mothers to raise alone: we create overly emotional acting men who misuse their strength and power. Pure monstrosities. There’s too much estrogen running through these dudes’ hearts.

    He actually lucked out. If it was a female from my family, he would’ve spent the next 3 years learning how to walk again…

  6. Energi says:

    Being raised without a father is not even half of this young man’s problem. Today’s movies and gangster music is also an influence on our youth. Not to mention what peers and doing and talking about doing. I was raised without my father and I’d never put my hands on a woman. And get this…my dad was abusive toward my mother. If he had raised me, I might have ended up just like him. Thank God I didn’t have dad around. This article is missing a lot!!

  7. Natalie says:

    Boomboom,

    Excellent post! A society that despises its men run the risk of creating despicable men.

  8. As Black people we’ve lost our way. Even in the general population the values that were once the norm are now the exception. Because we follow what the general population does, we suffer dearly for it. You’ve heard the saying in bad times, when the white population gets a cold, we get the flu. Well now it’s so bad in our community, we get pneumonia. The family has disappeared. We no longer live together or next to each other because we choose to move away from each other. In the past, if the farther wasn’t there the uncle took his place or the minister or even the coach in this case. But we’re so interested in being independent and assimilating into the white population, we forget about our responsibility to each other.

    We used to have a community that we could rely on, but those days have past. The only way to get our community back, is to come together and realize, in order for us to truly be the best we can be, we must support each other in all areas of our lives and I stress the word we. It is true we’ve made progress in having upward mobility, but our upward mobility has moved us further and further away from each other to the point it has divided us. We have to seriously do some soul searching. We will continue to hear and read about situations like this and even worse. No one can change the problems in our community but us, because we are the problem.

    Black Unity means financial independence and happiness

  9. Monk says:

    Calling this kid a “beast” is totally wrong and a bit over the top. (He screwd up, ok I get it.) So criticize him on those merits , but stay away from the unnecessary ad hominems.

  10. BoomBoom says:

    We don’t value men in this society, black men in particular. Black men have been dying a slow death (physically, socially and spiritually) since the 70s and we’ve only been content to joke about them, despise them and declare them as useless. I think it’s a shame that attention is mainly brought to it, not because we actually care about them, but because we only care that it makes life hard on their mothers or the women around them. We use them as utilities to make our lives more convenient. It reminds me of a statement by Hilary Clinton when she said that the primary victims of war are women because they lose their husbands, sons, etc. What are the men who actually died in combat, secondary victims???

    Until we can learn to appreciate men in this society enough to help them without there being an ulterior motive to help women, this wont be fixed.

  11. Juanita says:

    As the mother of two sons, 20 & almost 18, I thank you for this post.

    I think that some of us single mothers struggle with the desire to be a great mother vs. the harsh realization that we cannot be everything to our sons. Every choice that I’ve made has not been perfect; but I never lost sight of the fact that I was raising someone’s husband and father. The reality of that responsibility should always out-weigh our egos.

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