(ThyBlackMan.com) Death of a loved one is never an easy experience. The feeling that loss leaves behind can sometimes break down the walls of distance that might have existed. In that moment we miss the person, we remember everything we wish we would have said, we might feel regret, and like nothing will be right again in the world. How someone leaves this world has a great impact on their family and friends. Loss due to illness invokes a range of grief that might be different when the person is in their 90’s and passes in their sleep surrounded by family and lots of love. Death by violence triggers a different set of emotions. There may be feelings of deep-seated anger, thoughts of revenge, and the overwhelming feeling that someone needs to be accountable to the deceased, and to the family. Though all these feelings have a place and are warranted, one of the hardest realizations to come to is that we could be in mourning because of the actions of the loved one we have lost.
There is a pattern in society to “not speak ill of the dead”; we must understand that is not the same as telling the truth. It is important to understand that death does not mean the accountability of that person gets transferred to someone or something else so that the living can feel some sense of justice and comfort. It is understandable that it is deeply difficult to admit that our lost loved one could be the very source of the pain we feel. We want them to defend them, because they are no longer here to speak…but sometimes their actions spoke for them.
When someone is lost to this world but has committed heinous crimes against human beings we can feel sympathy for their family, as they are not guilty in the matter and are still human beings, but we tend to be honest about the nature of the deceased as it is understood. There are countless documentaries of people that are no longer alive, but even in death the truth is told about the web they weaved that lead to their demise, and the innocent loss of the life of other individuals. It is much more difficult when we lose a family member to another family member and self-defense was the situation. We want everyone to be angry and damn the life of the person living, as if we don’t understand the discord created a situation by which someone had to decide to survive as their existence was threatened. In that moment our lost loved one is innocent of all wrongdoing. If they lived a violent criminal life that no longer matters…all that matters, is they are gone, and the person living needs to pay. The relationship, or lack thereof, with children is immediately mended and at that moment they begin leading a divide within the family. This is dangerous, especially when we are not honest about what caused the situation of loss, and now the person living is every vile and cruel thing to help justify the pain we feel.
Losing someone we love is hard, regardless of the relationship we have with them. However, finding out they could have had fault in a matter that cost them their life is harder. Though we may not want to agree, we have no right to ask someone to die so that our loved one doesn’t. in that kind of scenario, we may not loss said person to the grave, but we will lose them to prison. It is wrong, despite how we feel, to make a family member, close friend, or any person out to be an evil monster for defending their life is wrong. Why the situation happened can be a discussion, and there are more than likely things all parties involved could have done to avoid the matter…but when someone is looking down the barrel of a gun or being charged at with a knife, we do not have the right to tell them to die.
Just as we should not blame the domestic violence victim for physically fighting back regardless of whether or not they stayed, we shouldn’t do this to anyone else defending their right to breathe. A difficult reality may be admitting that even if our deceased loved one is wrong…we would have preferred them still be here which would have meant the death of the person we now hate. We may have only known the issues from one side…when there are always three. None of this is easy, and none of it negates the pain of grief. However, it allows us to be honest even in our grief, and maybe one day understand the party that defended themselves. Grief doesn’t give us the license to re-write the life narrative of someone that is no longer here to suit our need for respectability. If you find that you have lost a loved one in a self-defense situation, give yourself time to grieve before trying to address the person that is still alive because they are a victim too. The family is hurting as a who, and everyone deserves the space to heal in this situation. Acknowledge your feelings…but please don’t destroy the family.
Staff Writer; Christian Starr
May connect with this sister over at Facebook; C. Starr and also Twitter; MrzZeta.
Also via email at; CStarr@ThyBlackMan.com.
