(ThyBlackMan.com) For far too long African Americans have acted just like the definition of “black” in the dictionary – dismal, gloomy, devoid of moral character, evil etc. This is especially true when it comes to how our people have disciplined our children – with spankings that are far too close to outright child abuse.
Today such “discipline” is dangerous and largely unproductive for many reasons. First it’s illegal and you could end up in jail. And you as a “black” person do not want to get caught up in the system of bond/bail, hearings, jail time, community service, DHS/DFACS etc. Secondly, children should be respected as well because they have civil, constitutional and God-given rights – whether you agree and like those rights or not. If your parent(s) ignored those rights, they were wrong too but don’t keep the cycle of ignorance and mistakes going.
WHEN YOU GET FRUSTRATED AND ANGRY AT YOUR KIDS MAYBE YOU NEED A TIME OUT
Thirdly, you should be a leader, not a ruler. You should set the example and allow your children to respect you because you are both respectful and respectable. Fourth of all, if you teach your children that violence, intimidation and parent bullying is how to “control” behavior, that is what they will reproduce. And it will spill over into some of their relationships with boyfriends, girlfriends and spouses as well. What kind of example have you set then? And what have you really accomplished by ruling with fear? Fifth of all, the golden ruler is not a ruler. It is not a beat down stick. Learn to treat others the way you would want to be treated, starting with those who love, trust and depend on you.
Some of you were rotten kids so you are getting back in your children exactly what Hell and headache you gave your parents. But now you want to blame the child when he or she is really you. Maybe a quick look in the mirror for you is more productive than a swift kick in the butt for them. Now before some of you say “my parents beat me and I came out OK”, I want you to stop. How do you know you came out OK? How would you be trained to assess that? I say this as a marriage, family and relationship counselor, mediator and life coach. I would be curious how the relationships of people “abused” as discipline by their parents came out. In fact there is research to support my point.
NO OTHER ETHNIC GROUP IS PERFECT BUT THAT IS NO EXCUSE FOR US.
Some of you will still take the position that your parents did you like that (abuse) and so you are going to keep the cycle going. Big talk from people thinking small. We tend to think what our parents do is right, but sometimes it’s not – not at all. Sometimes they are passing on the wrongs that were done to them. But today is a new day and time and your children are not their children. Furthermore, when you respect your children – you respect yourself. They are YOU (at least 50%) and when that revelation really hits you, it will shock you to the core.
As for the big, bad, bold parent talk, you need to listen up and fast. You are really foolish and you talk big Marlene until you are in the back of a police car, handcuffed, in a jumpsuit, eating bologna sandwiches, doing everything guards tell you to do like a child, bailing or bonding out, losing work, behind on bills and in community service. Then your views will change, I guarantee it. And you need to be advised that even if the child wants to drop the charges, the state can pursue charges against you without the child’s permission. Wake up people.
What are the solutions? My parents did not spare the rod but they used a balanced approach. I then upgraded that and used an even more balanced approach, realizing what worked for each of my children. Don’t be lazy. You can do the same. Some of you need parenting classes in a hurry like yester-year, before you get into trouble or worse. If your child is angry or resentful, there is a reason and you need to find out what it is. That is the real root of the problem, not the child’s behavior or reaction to it. Also combining reward and punishment may work better than the negative reinforcement that fear attempts to create. Negative reinforcement does not work on everybody and sometimes it has the opposite affect from what was intended. In my case, punishment was extremely impacting on me and I would rather have been hit with a tree limb rather than surrendering my car keys.
YOUR CHILDREN ARE YOU BUT DOES IT MAKE YOU ANGRY TO SEE YOURSELF
Start early, explain to the child why the spanking or punishment was necessary and tell him or her you love them before and afterwards. Talk to them. Ask them what they could have done differently, why they did what they did and what they have learned from this whole experience. We African Americans need to talk to our children more. If you do and you start this practice early, he or she will be glad to let you inside their heads and hearts to scope out the real problems. Children are not born with a desire to displease parents but whether it is psychological or sociological, they are getting it from somewhere. Be careful of your language and the examples you set. Be aware of the shows the watch, the music they listen to and the video games they play. All of these have been proven to contribute to behavior.
YOU must be the primary example and role model, not the TV, Xbox, Play station, radio, Nikki Mirage, Kim Kartrashian or Kanye Lost. Beware of hypocrisy. Sometimes your children are doing exactly what they see you do. So if you get mad at them, get mad at yourself to. Are you an effective role model for your children? If so, they should be thinking more like you, talking more like you, believing more like you and behaving more like you more so than anybody they see on TV or hear on the radio.
As parents we have to realize that there is no general method of discipline that works well for every single child. Child psychology shows us that if you keep coming at a child too hard, his or her fear changes into anger and anger turns into resentment and resentment turns into revenge in some cases. We are seeing this more and more into the African American community now. My son went to high school with two African American girls who went home, killed their mom and went back to school. Recently an African American college student left the college campus, went home and shot both his parents to death. I could go on naming more incidents but you see my point.
In conclusion I am not saying spare the rod. I am saying a great many of you cannot distinguish between corporal punishment and abuse. That is a problem because the standards tend to get blurred in African American households. The result? People growing up and reproducing the cycle in all types of their interpersonal relationships. The result? A violent community that believes a child’s behavior is an excuse to abuse. The result? Domestic violence by and on both men and women. The result? Weaker households and more disconnected and dysfunctional families. The result? Parents engaged in battles with the legal system and child protective services. We don’t need any of that. Find a better way. Be a bigger person and above all, DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE THEM DO UNTO YOU.
Staff Writer; Trevo Craw
A Free Thinker, who loves to talk about Politics, etc. Also, all about uplifting the Black Community even if it doesn’t fit your mindset. One may hit me up at; TrevoCraw@ThyBlackMan.com.
