(ThyBlackMan.com) In the aftermath of the mom who showed her ignorance in Maryland (Toya Graham), too many of our people are applauding her behavior. Her methods appear to be part of the problem as to what makes children angry, not part of the solution. I am a family and relationship counselor, life coach and mediator. I am married and I have children. The way the mother handled things was both wrong and ignorant. Now I see where the boy is getting his ignorance from. The apple does not fall where?
True he should not have been out there engaged in anything unproductive or dangerous, but more importantly, she should have handled things behind closed doors. If she handled her business as a parent at home, he probably would not have wanted to be out there in the first place. If the child fails, it is because the parent (and the village) fails. How do you feel when you are embarrassed in public?
For far too long our people have used brutal violence, loud mouths and ignorance to discipline our children. This has to stop. I am all for discipline, but in the right way – and a lot of it while children are very young so it does not have to be done when they are our size. There is a difference between discipline and abuse – and I suggest we start finding it.
Our children are people too, with rights. They are not animals. They are not our slaves. And the African American community has to learn to respect our children. If your parents behaved that way, they were wrong. And if you would have done what this woman did, you are clueless as to the affect such behavior has on a child. Many African American parents sound no better than a slave owner when they are talking to and disciplining their children and this cycle has to stop. All of this ” I brought you in and I can take you out” is simply the ignorance of rhetoric that never really solves the real problems in a family.
Email me if I can help you at brainstormonline@yahoo.com
The African American community has to understand that being disrespectful to a child accomplishes all the wrong things. First it makes you a hypocrite. If you want respect, try giving respect because you reap what you sow. If you know you don’t feel good
when you are beat, yelled at or intimidated into fear and panic, don’t do it. Why in the world would you want to do it to someone else? Secondly, when you are disrespectful to a child, it sets a bad example – an example that child will only grow up to duplicate. How can your
child learn how to discipline his/her own children and the children of others if you are setting such an awful example? Thirdly, many of the forms of disrespect and discipline used by the African American community are actually abuse – physical, emotional, mental or spiritual. That can now land you in jail. Remember Creflo Dollar went to jail and you can too.
Children have rights – and no all of them do not come from you. They have constitutional rights, human rights, God-given rights and legal rights granted to them by the state or country they live in. Children can and have sued parents or had parents arrested so I suggest you heed what I am saying in this article. The Department of Family and Children’s Services now considers mental, verbal and emotional abuse – not just physical and sexual abuse or neglect. And I give them credit for having the nerve to step up.
Fourth of all, the same type of discipline does not work for every child. For some, punishment works better than a spanking. But embarrassment generates anger and resentment within the child. We have seen numerous cases where the children actually killed the parents. Why do you supposed that is? Wake up and realize that we do not need to teach our children to resolve matters or impose discipline by using anger, intimidation, ignorance nor violence. Instilling fear of you in your children can easily backfire or damage his/her future relationships with others.
Be careful that God does not make sure you are treated the exact same way you treat your children. You reap what you sow and the children are more His than yours.
You can disagree with me if you like, but it’s sad if you do. As a former detective, I have seen evidence of what I am telling you. As a family and relationship counselor, mediator and life coach for over a decade, I have counseled thousands of men, women and families and mediated hundreds of cases. As a father, I have the respect of my children because I am both respectful and respectable. This really works.
WE MUST LEARN TO TREAT OTHERS THE WAY WE WISH TO BE TREATED, not the wrong ways we have suffered. Yes as a parent of a son in his 20s and a son who is a teenager, I have experience in parenting. They respect me, they do not fear me. They never have feared me because I raised them using respect and even spankings or punishments when necessary. But I always reaffirmed to them that I loved them, used moderation and explained to them why I did what I did. Now some of you may say your parents yelled at you, beat you etc but you turned out OK. Really? And how do you know you turned out as OK as you think? Are you qualified to assess that? And even if you did, was there a better way? Is there a better way?
Use temperance, respect, discipline, patience and compassion in raising your children. If you are a fool around your children, you will raise a fool. In which case the blame will be in your mirror, not on your child. I have initiated dozens of youth open forums to hear what they had to say and I suggest you stop, sit down, be quiet and listen to your children as well. If they are angry, afraid of you, intimidated or depressed, they will do at least two things. The first is to act out. The second is to talk to someone who will listen. I hope that person they talk to is you. Wake up.
Staff Writer; Marque-Anthony
