A Wife a Rebel Lately?

by Staff May 24, 2012 21 Comments News Opinion Relationships Weekly Columns

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(ThyBlackMan.com) What is it about the word submit that causes women to cringe? Why is that the part of the Bible that instructs us as women to submit to our husbands is disregarded by us as women? We love the part of the Bible that tells “husbands to honor their wives” but when it comes to our husband being the head of the household, then it becomes an issue.

I fully understand previous circumstances that can make a woman hesitant to submit (i.e formerly under a tyrannical rule, or being violated) but we have to learn how to heal from those situations and move on. Either we accept this way of life in totality or we don’t. We can’t pick and choose what we will accept especially as it relates to us as women. We are so quick to have a checklist with the Brothers, but can’t stand when WE get checked. I was watching “Why Did I get Married Too” the other night, and in one of the scenes Angela’s character was reading the acronym for the word Trust and the “S” was for submit, and she said “I ain’t doing that“, and that seems to be the attitude of a lot of us as women.

We just want to be rebellious, for various reasons, and when Brothers see that…….they keep it moving. They don’t desire a rebellious wife. You have those that might tell you submission isn’t necessary, that it is boring……and to that I would ask them are they in a current relationship and is their man happy? Brothers please correct me if I am wrong, but does it get boring coming home to a submissive loving wife? Is it boring knowing that your authority won’t get challenged in your household? Does it get boring knowing that you lead because your wife trusts you? Does it get boring knowing no matter how much this world views you as a ni*** your wife sees God in you? I mean does being rebellious add “spice” in your marriage or does it add STRIFE?

I have never heard a brother say……”damn look at that rebellious Sister right there! Oh yeah….she don’t know it yet….but that’s wifey right there!”

Reflect on the following:

A man wants to be greeted with CONTENTMENT; not CONTENTION

A man wants to be NURTURED; not NAGGED

A Man wants a woman that has mastered the art of FEMININITY; not FEMINISM

A man wants a woman that knows her ROLE; not one that constantly engages in ROLE PLAY

A Man wants a woman that can FEED his SOUL; not DEPLETE his SPIRIT

A Man wants to feel appreciated for his EFFORTS AND ACCOMPLISHMENTS; not reminded of his FAILURES

A Man wants to be asked “HOW CAN I HELP YOU, WHAT DO YOU NEED FROM ME?” Instead of being asked WHY HAVEN’T YOU DONE THIS YET?

A Man wants a woman that is WISE enough to invest in his POTENTIAL and help him get to where he needs to BE; not a woman that is FOOLISH/MATERIALISTIC and disregards him because he hasn’t “ARRIVED“

In essence a man wants HEAVEN in his woman…..because it’s more than enough HELL for a Black Man out there on those streets.

If you don’t think there is power in submission, then please tell me how being “rebellious” has worked out for you. Please tell me how playing anything you can do I can do better has worked out for you and your man. Please tell me who won that head-butting match. While you are so busy yelling “I am woman hear me roar“, read the following:

“I’d rather dwell with a lion and a dragon, than to keep house with a wicked woman” Ecclesiastics 25:16

Please tell me how being a rebel secured a loving man for you. Please tell me how refusing to be submissive proved to be a successful strategy in your relationship. Please tell me how he rushes home to greet the rebel that awaits him. A man needs “peace of mind“; please tell me how a rebel gives a man “peace“.

In my Kat Williams voice “Don’t worry I’ll wait.”

Staff Writer; Nojma Muhammad

To learn more about this talented sister, feel free to visit; Nojma Reflects.

21 Comments

BHAA says:

June 4, 2012 at 1:44 am

Mack, you wanna know the best part? I am no longer going to be difficult when it comes to submission. I understand that our men do tend to go outside of our race to find that compatibility, level/clear minded, loving woman but one thing i also know is that it feels (i am not prejudice so saying better is wrong) real damn good when he can find it in his own. Our egos play a huge part in our relationship problems. Not just intimate ones but all sorts of relationships…ex..family, friends and co workers as well. Calmness and humble self understandings keep us grounded and able (i believe) to see what truly matters. Divorcing the ego and loving ourselves, our children and our mates wholeheartedly is a daunting but yet amazing task. I am doing well with the me part and the children. I am calmly waiting for the he part (other then the truest most high HE) so i can share the core of me and vice versa whilst submitting to help build us up. Again i say blessed be all whom read this. gdnt/morning.

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BHAA says:

June 4, 2012 at 1:07 am

I was reading your comment Mr Mack and I appreciated it. You hit it right on when you said She will not have to search because he will find her. My life has turn over in the past 9 months. I must first say that i am 32 year young african american woman and a mother and single. It used to make me angry but now im so much more excited when i think that line to myself. Over the past 9 months I cut off all social connections to get connected with my spiritual connections. to quiet down the noise and hear what was being said to me all along. I got rid of the weaves and the hair all together. Looked in the mirror and fell in love with my features and seen i am oh so beautiful. Got rid of all wrong clothes and habits (except smoking, lord knows im trying) and fell in love with me fully. I love my lips and my eyes my hands and all in between. I let go of pain and called people to apologize for any sort of misunderstandings and wished them all well including my ex. I needed to do that in order to love me better. Looked at my 2 children and just started guiding them with all i could and still am. Very active in my childrens goals and push them when they need it instead of how i used to be when i was too busy. Stepped back and got on my knees and prayed and thanked GOD for blessing me with 2 living parents and bonded with them much more. I thank god he kept them here with me while i running wild and gave me a 2nd chance. I no longer yearn for the crew of girlfriends or the longing of a mate. I know i am prepping myself so i will able to receive him better. working on my mind, my conduct, my morals, my spirit, my goals, my beliefs, my body, my love, my ability to harnest true tears and heartfelt smiles from deep within that i could not find before. Oh my it feels so lovely. knowing now i truly understand these 2 sayings “if you dont stand for something then you will fall for anything” and “if you fail 2 plan then you plan 2 fail”….so I now stand for something all the while i am truly planning. Whilst I prep myself i know as you said, later on in life he will find me. whomever he may be. May you all be blessed inside and out.

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Stella says:

June 1, 2012 at 10:25 am

Pride is a significant factor in rebellion. It takes a lot for both men and women to give up self-serving and self-seeking ways. Without the One instruction manual ppl tend to try to live according to this world in search of ‘worldly’ values ie ‘own a home’, wine/dine, take vacations…without first seeking God and first serving His will, we are all lost. The most rebellious spirit is often the most broken, convinced that they are right and everyone else is wrong. Despite this, if you see the potential to lead someone away from rebellion, make it a goal to help them seek God and make it less of a goal for you to anticipate disappointment. We all fall short. Love, being the verb that it is, is in fact patient. So, continue to wait (in my Katt Williams voice) and also be encouraged to know that helping another grow spiritually is more valuable than just sitting idly by waiting. We aren’t here just to serve ourselves. See the potential in others that God sees and you’ll be amazed by what a former rebellious spirit can become. Women can learn from Proverbs 31 and we can all learn from Titus 3:3-8.

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Natalie says:

May 31, 2012 at 11:13 am

@ Mack…you are absolutely corect! The interrupters (cant think of the sistas name) do amazing work. I recently partcipated in a panel discussion with the director of the documentary about the interrupters. I belive he is the same gentleman that filmed Hoop Dreams out of Chicago. Additionally, I am very familiar with the works of Dr. Kunjufu. Years ago while passing through Chicago for research I was conducting at Northeastern Illinois University, I had the pleasure of speaking with Dr. Conrad Worill ( I believe that was his name) of the Northeastern Illinois Education Program in Urban Leadership. We talked at great length about the works of Dr. Kunjufu and Kambon.

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Mack says:

May 30, 2012 at 8:50 pm

@Nojma:

The silence is definitely golden!

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Mack says:

May 30, 2012 at 8:49 pm

Ditto.

My own father has an organization down in Atlanta, mentoring young boys the same way he mentored me into manhood: http://www.operationnotarget.org/

What would be even better Ms. Natalie, would be if the gov’t decided to back and finance organizations like the Interrupters out in Chicago, or my pop’s in Atlanta. They’re already on the front-lines making changes. Give them the assistance they could use.

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sankofa says:

May 30, 2012 at 3:29 am

@Natalie…have you ever heard of the works of Dr. Jawanza Kunjufu? A psychologist out of Chicago who produced several ground breaking works, starting with the conspiracy to destroy black boys. Being that his topic is not only specific to African male youth and children over all, he does present ideas similar to what you mentioned in the five crisis component AS WELL AS call the adults to task for failing to provide the positive role modeling for our children. Dr, Kunjufu also teaches teachers in the public fool system to recognize and reverse their own prejudice in edumacating African boys. Let’s hope that the white house boys to men organization is successful in their endeavours, however I won’t hold my breath. Not because it is not a noble effort, but whenever these folly tricksters (politicians) get involved in something humanistic and as balanced as what the organization proposes is the day the earth stands still.

As well, if there is anything organizations like the Black Panthers have proven in their ground breaking breakfast program (for instance) is that in order to effect, effective change in our community, we have to do it from the ground up and not top down. Finally, I personally take no offense when knowledge is brought to the table whether specifically African focused or the broader spectrum. At the end of the day, we all share the planet, so how it is shared is paramount.

Youtube or google his name and you should see a few of his lectures on the conspiracy to destroy black boys and the how they are failing in the “killing fields” of this system. Inspiring stuff.

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Natalie says:

May 29, 2012 at 2:33 pm

I was waiting for the comments specific to the topic to slow before I interjected off topic. I apologize if this appears to be selfishly motivated, I am merely tryng to bring attention to those truly in the struggle of advancing ALL of our people.

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Natalie says:

May 29, 2012 at 2:27 pm

@mack and sankofa,

Didnt know if you were aware of the efforts of this council, but I’m trying to get the word out…

http://whitehouseboysmen.org/blog/

it is really a nicely researched and proposed commision that addresses issues that demand immediate attention if we are to save our boys and heal our men! heres an excerpt from the intro:

Although the Commission is diverse, we have in common at least two beliefs: first, the desire to support the progress made by our daughters in the recent past, and to continue that into the distant future. To this end, we desire for the White House Council on Boys and Men to work parallel to and co-operatively with the already-formed White House Council on Women and Girls.

Second, the Commission members share the belief that our daughters and sons are in the same boat. Therefore, if just one sex wins, both sexes lose.

The more closely our Commission investigated, the more concerned we became with the crisis our sons, fathers, and men currently face. It is a crisis as ubiquitous yet invisible today as our financial crisis was five years ago.

We will first identify the five major components of the crisis—each with potential solutions. As with the financial crisis, real answers require more than putting out fires. So we conclude by fundamentally re-thinking the journey from boy to man in the past, with an aim to preserve the best and modify the rest.

First, then, the five major components of the crisis:

1. The Education of our Sons
2. The Emotional Health of our Sons
3. Children without Dads; Dads without Children
4. The Crisis of Boys’ and Men’s Physical Health
5. The Future of Work, and of Boys and Men at Work

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Nojma says:

May 28, 2012 at 12:24 pm

@Mack and Sankofa…..did you notice that my questions haven’t been answered? You know where I asked to “please me how playing anything you can do I can do better has worked out for you and your man. Please tell me who won that head-butting match. Please tell me how being a rebel secured a loving man for you. Please tell me how refusing to be submissive proved to be a successful strategy in your relationship. Please tell me how he rushes home to greet the rebel that awaits him. A man needs “peace of mind“; please tell me how a rebel gives a man “peace“.”……..**crickets**

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Mack says:

May 27, 2012 at 11:20 pm

@Deborrah Cooper:

Show me a church anywhere today, especially one with a national audience that teaches women to go home and submit to their husbands. You won’t find one because they don’t exist. Some of these pastors make their fortunes off black women. They ain’t about to mess that up by offending any with the truth they need to hear. So instead, they tell sisters what they want to hear. This and the blatant homosexuals in the church are the main reasons why many real brothers don’t go.

But there are plenty of brothers out there who absolutely understand scripture. They know their place as men, don’t tolerate bull, and won’t settle for second best. And guess what? These men of higher standards get with sisters who also know their place as women and are happy to abide in it. True Proverbs 31 types.

And if the pool of quality, available sisters dwindle to where they can’t find any, these men exercise their right to date outside the race to find women who know how to be WOMEN, instead of men in skirts. So if you desire a quality brother, then step your game up sister, lose the penis envy, and do what you must to attract one. That is, of course, if you’re into men. From the tone of your comment, I’m not too certain.

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Mack says:

May 27, 2012 at 10:42 pm

@KM:

Spoken like a true rebellious woman.

Everything about your response was: we know women aren’t perfect…but neither are the men! We know sisters need to submit more…but so do the men!
The post is written for black women; not black men. but funny how you chose to drag the brothers into the convo so you could conveniently and subtly throw us under the bus; without addressing the changes that YOU as a woman need to make.

Nowhere in the bible does it tell a woman to submit to a man ONLY if he does X,Y or Z. That sounds a lot to me like the book of KM chapter 1 verse 1.

It also sounds to me like the men you are describing who don’t fit the bill are not the kind of dudes a virtuous woman would even have her targets set for. Virtuous women get found by wise men; they don’t do the finding.

So by reason of scripture, if you’re a woman claiming to be the virtuous type described in the book of Proverbs, and no man of excellence has found you yet; either God is a liar or you are! Because virtuous women get found and wifed up. Quickly too.

We know what’s wrong with the brothers already. Hell: we been hearing about it every day in the news or from pseudo-scientific reports for the past 30 years! It’s time to turn the spotlight on the sisters: those ‘strong, independent, don’t need a man unless he’s Jesus Christ’ type of sisters, much like yourself.

You quote from scripture, but you’ve not yet submitted yourself to its Author. Because if you believe all scripture is God-inspired, then failure to do YOUR part is failure to obey the very God you claim to honor and love.

*SMH@ the blindness*

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sankofa says:

May 27, 2012 at 8:00 am

Deborrah Cooper… your response sums up all that Nojma’s articles are all about. Among many things, reading comprehension is a missing ingredient with the edumacation in the public fool system in North America. However, they do say it’s is a free country, so it’s your thing, so do what you like! I got Nojma’s back on this and I believe she has more people like me who over stand where she is coming from, than respondents like you who can’t see the forest for the trees.

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Deborrah Cooper says:

May 27, 2012 at 2:34 am

Interesting enough, I am writing a piece on this very subject. When it’s ready I will send you the link. Because the bottom line is SUBMISSION IS B.S. See, black men want to follow the scriptures but only as far as it is convenient for them. The part about men not fornicating, adultering, lying, submitting to God… all that they conveniently leave out of the equation. Instead all they focus on is what WOMEN need to do to serve them and basically kiss their butts.

Any woman that submits to a man based on the Bible or the fact that he has testicles is a fool. Until the man that she is with exhibits a full adherence to every Scripture concerning manhood and what HE is supposed to do… his role and responsibilities towards his wife, she has no obligation to submit or even pay attention to the nonsense he is talking.

Every woman should be independent. Because those women that are not are the ones that get dogged out and left behind without child support or alimony payments.

The problem with articles like this is they focus on everything the MALE wants as if his wants are superior to what the FEMALE needs. Women that believe they should sacrifice themselves just to be married usually have extremely low self esteem.

There is nothing about submission that makes sense for women.

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Nojma says:

May 26, 2012 at 10:14 am

DusaSTARR congrats on your relationship, you sound very happy and I pray you continue to stay that way. One of the definitions of husband is “manager” and to be a manager you have to execute a certain amount of control. I am so glad that you said regardless of what a couple is going through, a woman should never make her man feel less than a man, so many of us are quick to belittle our men. As a man if he is temporarily unable to provide for his wife or family, he is already feeling a certain way about his manhood, and doesn’t need his helpmeet confirming what he is struggling with. Based by your words, I’d say your King definitely has a Queen in you!

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Nojma says:

May 26, 2012 at 10:09 am

@KM I am definitely of the mindset that if “God isn’t leading HIM, then HE isn’t going to lead me”. I have been under a hellish rule before, and again, when you experience having a tyrant for a husband, it makes you guarded when it comes to submission. No one wants a king kong beating on my chest I’m Man you Woman type of husband; I totally understand that. Regarding a virtuous woman, the first question asked is “Who can find a virtuous woman?” How many virtuous women are out here? How many are REALLY holding on to their chastity? How many of us REALLY personify what a virtuous woman is? A man will honor, love, cherish, respect and protect a virtuous woman when she makes herself known.

Another definition of Heaven is as follows: a place or state of joy and happiness. A man desires peace of Mind, and in that regards a wife can be heaven for her husband and vice versa.

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Nojma says:

May 26, 2012 at 9:55 am

@Sankofa in my experiences, it seems like Women want to be independent as you stated and submission is not “traditional” to them, but they want men to act out in “traditional” roles, i.e. paying the rent and the bills, I know plenty of women who don’t want to cook, because they feel like it’s beneath them, but yet again want to hold men to a certain standard, but when it comes to them, they want to “opt out” of what applies to a wife..

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sankofa says:

May 26, 2012 at 9:01 am

@KM you are correct in that many men misuse or choose to misrepresent the term submission as well as specific parts of the bible. However, this is 2012…we cannot call on ignorance anymore. If a knee-grow male role up on a woman with a lame misrepresentation of submission, then she can’t blame him if she CHOOSES to bite on that rotten bait. The problem for BOTH the male and the female are us entering into a relationship expecting the other to MAKE them happy.

If we look for happiness outside ourselves that becomes a false pursuit. The modern male-female in general enter into a relationship lacking any over standing of themselves, the difference between their wants and needs and exactly what they are willing or can contribute to a relationship. The reality is that women primarily choose men more so than the other way around. Even bad acting women chose men and any so called good woman who chooses a bad man indicates where her emotions and head space is at.

As a man I can tell you that if we are held to a high standard and you hold yourself to a high standard, and if I am truly interested then I would strive to meet that standard. BUT this is only the start. Being that we are in a fast food society, we want to cut and swallow our food, not having the patience to chew the proverbial 32 times, tasting the flavors that make up the meal. Entering into a healthy non game playing relationship is tantamount to chewing and savoring a well prepared meal. Thus women don’t value themselves, men don’t value them and in turn women don’t value these men who don’t value them.

We who strive to find value in our lives don’t value these people who lack values and we are pissed at them for their lack of value. This is way I genuinely love sister Nojma and what she is doing, as one of the few who over stand that getting pissed at those people who lack value, only exacerbates the increasing void between us, when we should be pulling closer to heal ourselves and each other.

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DusaSTARR says:

May 25, 2012 at 2:33 am

I can’t speak for ANY other women, but here’s MY take on the whole “submission” issue. As far as submitting to MOST men is concerned, it’s not gonna happen; because MOST men think that, if a woman submits, he has to CONTROL. If he has to control, then he doesn’t have a woman capable of being his “evenly-yoked” partner. He will have to worry that she may not be able to “handle things” should he not be present; or that, in the event he is unable, that she won’t be able to keep the household running smoothly.

Now, if she’s in a position where she has to take the lead in the household (e.g., if he’s ill, (temporarily) out of work, incarcerated, deployed overseas, etc.), she should still have the UTMOST RESPECT for her man/husband/esposo. She should NEVER try to make him feel like less of a man just b/c he may be going through a rough patch. PART of her “job” is to remember that he IS the head of household, and due the respect of that position (and part of his job is to remember that she is the Queen of the house and his heart!). All major decisions should still be decided by them BOTH…and, whomever brings the issue to the table (and whether it primarily affects the household, or the whole enchilada) has the major vote in its outcome. …but they are PARTNERS in everything, from their careers, in the home, in running the household, in rearing the children, down to large-ticket purchases and vacations, etc. She is not his mother, and he is not her father….so the only issues of “control” should be issues of SELF-control.

…and, btw, the man I seem to have given my heart to is so much MAN that I’d be a FOOL to try to short-change –or downplay– him. He tries to give me what I need, and I make it my business to do the same for him. We’re still learning, but…It’s a beautiful thang! 🙂 [I hope this wasn’t so disjointed as to be more confusing than helpful.]

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KM says:

May 25, 2012 at 12:26 am

The word submit makes both men and women cringe for different reasons. There are many reasons why a wife may be unwilling and/or unable to submit to her husband. The writer listed a couple reasons.

According to the Bible, submission is for both men and women. Unfortunately, it’s rarely discussed in that light. Society is always reminding women about the importance of virtue and wifely submission, AND WIFELY SUBMISSION IS IMPORTANT. However, all too often, society fails to teach and/or remind men of their duty to SUBMIT:
-to God.
-Church leadership. Many brothers don’t even attend church on a regular basis.
-Job supervisors. Many brothers don’t maintain stable employment.
-Government/laws of land. Many brothers have or will have a criminal record.
Mutual submission. Many brothers boast, “no one can tell me anything cause I’m a man.”

Bible believing women are frequently accused of picking and choosing what verses they will apply to their lives and relationships. Yet, men do the very same thing, and no one bats an eye. Many Bible believing men desire wives who are willing to submit to their leadership, but the men themselves are often very unwilling to submit to the leadership of Christ and the authorities He has established.

“We just want to be rebellious, for various reasons, and when Brothers see that…….they keep it moving.”
Not true. Many brothers are all too willing to have premarital sex with them before moving on, but that’s another story.

Reflect on the following:
Women who believe in wifely submission don’t want a rebellious husband either! A rebellious husband is one who is not willing to submit to Christ and/or the authorities He has established.

Unfortunately contentious women do exist, and so do contentious men (Proverbs 26:21). Virtuous women don’t want a contentious husband!

Virtuous women want to be loved and not brow beat.

Virtuous women want husbands whose ideas about manhood are rooted and grounded in Christ. They aren’t interested in thugs.

Virtuous women want men who understand and strive to live up to their role. Virtuous women don’t want hypocrites.

Virtuous women want men who are willing and able to provide or reasonably contribute to the household and pantry.

Virtuous women want to be appreciated for their efforts. The Proverbs 31 husband understood that and he praised his bride.

Men and women both need constructive criticism sometimes.”Give instruction to a wise man and he will be still wiser, Teach a righteous man and he will increase his learning (Proverbs 9:9).”

Virtuous women want to be asked, “How can I help you?” Instead of being expected to be superwoman all the time.

Virtuous women want WISE men.

“In essence a man wants HEAVEN in his woman”

Heaven is in Heaven. You can never find Heaven in a man or woman. That’s an unrealistic expectation, and no man or woman deserves that kind of pressure. Heaven is God’s domain.

Both women and men need to be taught the true meaning and importance of submission. Submission and virtue isn’t just for women. As long as society continues to hold one gender accountable for submission and not the other, we will continue to see broken families and marriages that end in divorce and disappointment.

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sankofa says:

May 24, 2012 at 7:58 pm

Thank you for this post.

I often ask the so called independent women I know, about submission and what it means to them. Of course they get into a snit, and then in the next breath turn around and talk about what we as men lack or where we fall down. Yet these women DON’T HAVE ANY MEN in their lives. Some of them are Christians for heavens sake, yet they, like you allude to, pick and choose what they want to embrace.

I personally have become much more stern in how I deal with women. I use to be weary of offending them because in the past I was accused of being harsh. Guess what, I would rather you respect me…or fear my harshness, then to disrespect me for trying to be “NICE!”

Thugs don’t do nice…and I am not saying I am a thug, but these women gravitate to a thug, not because he is a thug, but because he represents a man who won’t take any shit from them when they act up. Unfortunately, the confusion the continually experience about their femininity makes them act stupid, aggressive and just plain ghetto…even if they are wearing Gucci.

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