Saturday, December 9, 2023

Child Support: Enslaving Black Men.

May 17, 2012 by  
Filed under News, Opinion, Relationships, Weekly Columns

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( Last week, on my facebook page, A Sister asked me if I am “for” or “against” child support. I posted a picture, of a Black woman holding a wheelbarrow full of money, and the words above the picture said “Child Support, Way Better Than A Dad”, then I proceeded to answer the question. What I am “for” is choosing wisely when deciding to reproduce and deciding who will reproduce you. What I am “for” is adults being mature if the relationship ends so that the child won’t suffer, become molded in the bitterness of its mother, and caught in an emotional tug of war. What I am “against” is women hustling their wombs SPECIFICALLY for the sole purpose of collecting a child support check. What I am “against” is child support being limited or perceived as just financial assistance. Child support means to support your child mentally, emotionally, spiritually, being there for events, listening to them, encouraging them, showing them love and teaching them lessons so they won’t have to learn lessons in the streets.

What I am “against” is Black Men not even given a chance to WILLINGLY give, contribute and add to the life of their child or children, before the Mother of his child (or children) runs down to the overseer to handcuff him with a child support order. I am “against” Brothers being violated in such a system that  was designed to destroy the Black Family and children being treated as assets and property of the Mother, with no regard to the Father.

What I am “against” is the Bitter Mama Syndrome. Bitter because the relationship ended, the child’s first words are probably my daddy ain’t shyt because that’s what he hears all the time. I am “against” Mothers turning the hearts of the children AWAY from the father, because HER heart didn’t get what it wanted.

I also understand that bitterness is NOT limited to JUST women, that men can become scorned and vengeful, and attempt to drag mothers through court as a means to be vindictive.

I understand that not all women seek child support and maintain to the best of their ability. I understand that if you are on state assistance, the state will go after the father, and does not need your permission to do so. I understand that there are some women that are understanding of the financial climate for Black Men, and while that does not excuse a father from his obligation, the mother still helps facilitate a healthy relationship between the father and the child. I also understand that there are men that are not fulfilling their duty, but the Men that ARE, rarely get any airplay.

What I am EMPHATICALLY against is the message in that picture. Some of us are of the warped mind frame that a child support is better than a father and that ALL a child needs is a check. I have posted a youtube video several times of a young lady rapping about how she is going to collect a child support check while rubbing her pregnant belly. I have spoken to young teenage Sisters with the career goal of being a Baby Mama, with a child support check as part of the benefit package. In short, if a judge wasn’t need while the seed was planted, then a judge isn’t needed to cultivate the seed.
I see both sides of the coin.   I get it. A child needs to eat, be clothed and sheltered regardless; again does that absolve the father of his duty including finances? No. However in this financial climate, where the unemployment rate of Black Men is at an all-time high, and if the father has the desire, the will, and the sincere intentions to take care of his child but isn’t able to at the moment, could not his time be just as valuable? I would think that his time would be more valuable than the money.

Let’s be honest here.  A single mother with children will always have more options than a single man. When I was single mother of two at the time, I was a recipient  of state assistance until I was able to get on my feet. I received food stamps and a childcare voucher, while I looked for work, until I was able to find a job. I have also worked for the State as a Food Stamp Worker, an Intake Specialist and a Children’s Medicaid Technician in two states, and while both had programs that would assist in job training or resume building for both genders, majority of the programs were geared towards Single Women. Even in public housing, in some cases a man couldn’t be in the home, and if he did, he couldn’t make over a certain income, combined with the Mother’s income or they wouldn’t qualify, so that was another way to lessen his role as “man of the house.”

Again there are so many options for Single Mothers, but for a Single Man there are limited options. He will hear BE A MAN ABOUT IT! As if he is attempting to be anything else. Sometimes as women, I think that we have become desensitized to the pain and struggles that our Brothers go through. Now with MOST men, do you think they WANT to be shiftless? Do you think that not being able to provide for their family REALLY makes them feel good? Do you think that for most MEN being labeled as a dead beat dad is something they proudly wear like a badge of honor? I mean, let’s step out of our stilettos, and try to slide our feet into his shoes. 

When a Black Man enters the world he has a bull eye on his back. Not only does he fight to against our common enemy, he has to also fight against his counterpart; i.e. The Black Woman.  I am not going to say that Black Men don’t have issues within themselves that effect our community, but with the Black Woman, it seems that we can’t even ADMIT that WE HAVE ISSUES as well, and that we have also contributed to the breakdown of the Black Family, and our most CONSISTENT, most EFFECT and MOST destructive contribution is what we first produce in our mental wombs, followed by what we produced in our physical wombs. 

I normally don’t knock anyone’s hustle but this Child Support Hustle has GOT to end. To every woman that reads this article that comments or says to herself “Not everyone woman hustles her womb for child support payments, “you are correct. Now let’s take that same thinking and apply it towards Black Men. Not every Black Man negates his responsibilities. Not every Black Man leaves his seed to grow wild and uncultivated on its own. I am often asked why don’t  I  write about fatherless homes, or the faults and flaws of Black Men more often, and my response is the same: there are PLENTY of sites that tell a Black Men everything he ISN’T, I prefer to tell him everything he IS.

To portray Black Men in a positive light would be too much like right to the masses, as the overall agenda is to make him appear trifling, doggish, immature and lazy, in other words an undesirable BEAST.  With all the controversy surrounding Basketball wives and shows of that nature, that portray Black Women a certain way, even though it does represent a spectrum of reality, why don’t we as women get up in arms when BLACK MEN are portrayed a certain way? You know why?

Because we are STILL suffering from not only SELF-HATRED, but also HATRED of one another, and that’s why the womb has become  the most dangerous place for a black child to be, because in the womb is where he or she is taught to HATE their father. It is also in our wombs, were Black Men initially become prisoners of the Child Support Enforcement Agency. How many more children have to suffer? How many times are we going to go before a judge to instruct US on how to take care of a child that WE created? We love our slave master that much that we can’t make a move without him? When will we get tired of depending on a system that NEVER has and NEVER will have the best interest of the BLACK Family in mind?
It’s time for a MUCH needed family reunion between the Black Man, the Black Woman, and Black children; we have been estranged long enough.

Staff Writer; Nojma Muhammad

To learn more about this talented sister, feel free to visit; Nojma Reflects.



47 Responses to “Child Support: Enslaving Black Men.”
  1. Ramses says:

    you know I commented on Willie’s post out of solidarity because I feel his pain. But I also was waiting to see what the response would be from male and females alike. This is appalling. I know I talk a lot about the behavior about black women but I’m done on that end because for the most part, they’re not gonna change and that is a lost cause. No need to revisit that topic anymore because it is truly an exercise in futility. This is about black men now. If a chick would get on here and lament about black men doing them wrong, you would get countless simp ass niggas who would throw on a cape trying to save these chicks. Coming to the defense just because they have some reflex to defend females for no reason at all. I realize Feminism has not only done a number on women, but more so than men because men (especially black men) are scared to be men in this country. Not one of you niggas have yet to show this man support and comfort whatsoever. i didn’t do it to get any rewards. I did it because the brother obviously is going through pain from having his family torn apart. Yet you niggas always silent. Rarely on this site do i see men defending men. Hell, even on this article, I’ve seen quite surprisingly men getting more support from women than men. I have finally reached the point where i despise black men. I hate them. I can’t stand them. I hate that I get put in the same category as them because I don’t feel the weakness that’s in most of them has even a slight resemblance to what I am about. The weakest dude on the planet for real. I mean you had brothers who were Panthers who displayed pride in being alpha males. You niggas in this generation have become kittens. It would be embarrassing to me as a Man if I felt any solidarity with you clowns but thank God I don’t. You dudes worse than the females and I never thought i would say that. You’ll dudes are a waste of time for real. You’ll can waste your time venting about lil wayne’s monkey looking ass but can’t show this brother some love? You’ll niggas are always gravitating towards the dram filled shit like lil females. You’ll dudes are an embarrassment to great black men. Just embarrassing. Good luck Willie.

  2. Ramses says:

    and this is why I do not deal with black women at all in terms of having a marriage with them or children. this is a heart-breaking story to say the least. And it’s funny how when stories like these come out, you never see black women offer men like these sympathy. I keep saying all the time that knucklehead black men and women in this society get treated better than responsible black men and women and it’s my belief that there are way more irresponsible black men and women that responsible ones. This woman did the unthinkable to this man: took his children and his livelihood away from him without a second thought. You black women out here, who think you are getting away with this evil behavior, will be very surprised in the future to see where you descend to because black men are slowly but surely waking up to the evil you have been displaying for quite some time. And slavery will not be allowed to be used as justification as to why you treat black men the way you do because none of you went through what those people went through in the 17 and 1800s. How did this woman know how to use the system against this black man? Because she knows her position in the system. A black woman’s position in the system is fairly simple: to destroy black men through whatever means possible. Sad things is is that most people place the blame at the feet at white men thus not placing blame on the proper party because the white man is not there in the bed when you have children with these black men. So why is he there in court with you? because like I just told this chick, most black people have a paternal relationship with the “white man” from the slavery perspective they can’t let go. We all seen “Roots”, “Sankofa”, “Amistad” and many other documentaries and shows depicting the structure of slavery. So these females can’t plead “ignorance” when it comes to the beat-down of black men during this period. Yet this “husband”, not baby daddy is being treated like this? I would say black women should be ashamed of their behavior, but in my 34 years on this planet, I have never seen black women be ashamed about their reprehensible behavior. This woman has destroyed her family without a care in the world. She don’t care about her children nor her husband. Women used take pride in how they took care of their families, now they take pride in destroying them. As The Most High is my witness, I would never marry and have kids with these females. Never. This is what I call a crime against humanity. This female should be tried before the World Court. My heart goes out to you brother because I have heard many stories of black men who have had fatherhood taken from them. It seems like you relish being a father and I know it hurts. I will say a prayer for you. Peace

  3. Willie says:

    Peace Sister Muhammad. I greatly appreciate this article for so many reasons without trying to make it be about me or my soon to be ex-wife, but rather the three beautiful children we brought into this world with help and blessings of The Most High. I too am a Black man, though not perfect, has been turned over to the system fueled by a vindictive agenda. What saddens me the most, is for one, I am not a dead beat father who chooses not to be a part of my children’s life, but was rather placed in that category by my estranged wife for reasons only she and God truly knows. Now, don’t get me wrong, because I’m not asking for sympathy by no means, but instead, I just wanted to point out the hidden agenda to destroy the positive male influence in the Black family structure whether the parents are together or not. Secondly, I am not a ” baby daddy ” because I was married to the mother of my kids for 16 years and we are still legally married while living separately and I have always been in my children’s life and in the household with them since birth. Last May started the dreadful reality of me not being physically in the house with my kids and it has truly been hard for me, but I can’t even begin to fathom how it has been for them. The point I’m getting at is that my wife purposely contacted the child support people and claimed that I had abandoned them even though I was still living in the house with them, on which all of this came out when she boastfully admitted to doing so when we got into a heated and an unfortunate physical altercation which landed me in jail and the recent removal from my federal job of over 10 yrs when she claimed domestic abuse and sent the police to my place of work and had me arrested in front of my co workers. The lady at the child support office openly admitted also that their was no reason for them to be in our business because we were married and for yrs I was the only source of income supporting not only my family, but two of my sister-in-law’s kids and my mother-in-law, but this is what my wife wanted because she claimed abandonment of her and my three kids so they automatically had to come after me. The sad part is that I was already said to be over $4,000 in the rears before I was even ordered by the judge to make a first payment. Plus I had to keep insurance on my kids on top of paying almost $800 a month even though my wife had voluntarily and purposely quit her job making twice my pay so she could apply for these benefits. I’ve been without work for almost two months now and I’ve contacted child support and informed them of my situation and that I need to schedule another meeting with my case worker because I have no income and my previous job has denied me unemployment which I am currently in appeal of. But yesterday I received noticed that the IRS has seized my income tax and my retirement withdrawal for owed child support without even giving me an opportunity to even make some kind of arrangement with them because my income as it stands right now is non existent. But what angers me the most outside of not being able to see my kids on a regular basis due to obstacles set up by my wife, is that she masquerades as my older daughter using her email to ask me about why I haven’t sent her and her siblings any money. This woman is clearly sick and my kids are the ones greatly affected in the end.

  4. realTalk says:


    Ahhh Substance! Thanks!

  5. Ramses says:

    this is why i completely disavow american women as potential marriage partners

  6. Ramses says:

    Good info natalie as always

  7. realTalk says:


    I am not your “Boo Boo” so please don’t inudate me with your childish and unintelligent sarcasms. I am well beyond educated and by no means wish to wage a war of ingorance with you. Your tone embodies the stereotypical attitude that many black men have a disdain for. For the record I believe a man should take care of his responsibilities, and he should pay for his child no matter what. We are talking about the abuses and the bullying from a racist government masking itself as if it’s for the people only to wage a war on black men. And it’s ignorant women who share your mindeset that allow this war to be waged. If a man is not doing his job then by all means do what you must, but under honorable circumstances this should not be the case. I hope you become enlightened my sister, and I won’t be writing back again so you by all means can have the last word!

  8. Trixie says:


    If I come across as bitter and condescending to YOU that is fine. I just call it as I see it. Statistics show that 70% of black children are born into a single parent home. And, most of those homes are poverty stricken. Yet, this article focuses on the audacity of women seeking child support from their baby daddies and gaming the system. Are you kidding me? SMH

    P.S. By the way, the “bitter” word used by salty black men to characterize black women with a voice against straight foolishness is played out. Sorry boo boo. Try again.

  9. realTalk says:


    It’s that bitter self righteous attitude that perpetuates the weak self destructive pattern of Black Woman vs Black Man. You speak without any compassion or luv for your brother, no one said not to take care of your child the article is discussing the abuses of the system on men of color using child support as a guise to make black men who otherwise wouldn’t have any contact with the system criminals. People make mistakes, when we are young we misjudge character are fooled easily or simply blind by lust of the flesh. Mistakes many make, I applaud you for not making that mistake however it dosen’t qualify you to have such a condescending bitter atittude.

  10. King says:

    Typos…”‘now’ I owe back child support. I have not been cleared to return to work.

    This is where child support is flawed. The child mother could survive without my income, and this was made painfully clear while we were together. But if I lost a job, the payment piled up, and I become a criminal?

    She most definitely knew that I always would do, always did, and am ready to do for me and mine, and even though I re-married a real lady, I’m still apprehensive about having kids with her because of trifling, vindictive, and manipulative chicks.

  11. King says:

    I whole-heartedly agree with this article. The less I expressed desire to stay with my child’s mother, the more she denied visitation between me and my child. Once I assured her we would never be together, my time was no longer valued…only my money.

    I had to pay to play with my child. My time, my love were never valued. Mama’s game…game playing…that’s what she valued. I’m just glad this article addresses it. I had 4 surgeries for a blocked artery, plastic tube inserted, and not I owe back child support. I have not been cleared to return to work.

    This is where child support is flawed. The child mother could survive without my income, and this was made painfully clear while we were together. But if I lost a job, the payment piles up, and now I’m a criminal? She most definitely knew that I was I was always did and am ready to do for me and mine, and even though I re-married a real lady, I’m still apprehensive about having kids with her because of trifling, vindictive, and manipulative chicks.

  12. Trixie says:

    I am sorry, but I SO disagree with this article. The only enslavement going on is that another generation of black children is growing up in fatherless homes requiring child support or the government to take care of them. Hence, helping to perpetuate this child support nonsense.

    Black men need to own up to the fact that they laid down and had those d@mn kids. YES, there are some trifling women that use the child or children as a steady paycheck. YES, there are some women that won’t let you father your kids even after you have paid your support. YES, there are some women that put father’s through hell just because they have babies with them. However, no one told you to PICK that woman. If you had done the appropriate vetting BEFORE getting busy, you might have avoided the drama. But, guess what? You didn’t. So, since that is your child, it sort of comes with the territory of knocking up trifling chicks that you probably shouldn’t have been with anyway. So…Pay Up and shut the h$ll up. Be a man and do right by your kid(s). And no, I am not a baby mama. I have no dog in this fight other than having to deal with men trying to date me because I DON’T. UGHHh!!!!! Why would I marry a man that is clearly irresponsible with his manhood and wants me to help him pay his child support? Sorry…so not my problem.

    Yet another article keeping black men from owning up to their responsibilities to themselves, society, and their children. I am so sick of us coddling grown @ss men. Put a fricking condemn on or abstain.

  13. chris says:

    Hello all brother and sisters im glad and sad after what I just read.Im an artist and my son will be 18 in one more week.I was just in court last week and was about to be locked up for rears that i owe.i really tried to the best i could for my son with all of my heart and soul.i lost a huge gig in a nother country due no passport!!im sad our country has done to the black family.

  14. Rick the Dick Alford says:

    F#@k that. From the moment you fall in love you are f#@ked. Wives always switch up on you and becoming Bitches once you say I do. And the minute you say “I don’t” begins your life of enslavement. If you have kids you are doubly F@3ked….divorce is an instant I.O.U. for the rest of your life. The more you make the more they want…In this new day when women are so much more educated and geting better jobs that the men, they want their ckae and eat it to. The want your life!! Literally, stress from the Bitch herself, stress from dealing with her, stress from not seeing your kids, and her hand sticks out each and every time. Can men stop working? hell no! reducing child support, hell no! A joke! Lose your driveres license, your freedom, your credit score, your mind. I’m tired to Bitch. Now I work for you so you can stack your money and mine….get backs a Bitch and you are it!

  15. Paula says:

    After reading this article I must say I agree completely I have 4 brothers and 2 nephews that go above and beyond for their children child support or not. However if a man choices child support over being a father than he should suffer the concequences of his choice. My childs father was given all opportunities to be a father and be apart of his daughter life. He chose to listen to whomever and wanted child support. After 5yrs of not paying or being a father I allowed the system to work. I begged him to be a father and not a check, I graduated with a b.s in engineering, God has blessed me however he now complains about child support when that was his choice. Him and his family said my child would get a lonesome check cashing life and I will take that check. A father is was I wanted however he made that choice so I see all sides a

  16. natalie says:

    just three of over fifty articles recently bringing the conversation into the mainstream. There is a growing chorus of men and women on both sides of the aisle that reject the current model of rights versus responsibility regarding reproduction. We strive for equality and that personal liberties are restored and antiquated laws replaced.. Its coming but we stay in the “hood” echo chamber reinforcing the same failed ideology that people are beginning to rekject.

    and then there were the feminist that stood up in opposition to the development of the male birth control pill at the WHO conference on reproductive rights..Trust me the word is getting out regarding the disadvantage that men have in the discsussion of reproductive choices. Our community will be left behind and blindsided once again because we are uninformed and do not have a clue regarding the cultural shifts and subsequent policies/movments that are taking place.

  17. Nona says:

    Yes and your continued focus on the woman as if she is responsible for both her actions and those of the father.

  18. natalie says:

    Thats because a counter argument isnt worth the keystrokes given your continued focus on post conception responsibility. …….and the losses contnue to pile up. smh

  19. Nona says:

    ‘If we embrace the rights afforded us but not the responsibility then it is no wonder that our community has fallen so far behind every other community of women’

    Tell me, at which point does a single mother not take on the responsibility of her irresponsible actions? when she is carrying the baby for 9 months, when she goes without sleep for nearly a year maybe more as she wakes up every night to feed her child. When she goes out to work/study and still has to make sure her child is in the best schools, fed, clothed do all the housework, cooking shopping etc. In other words playing the part of both mother and father.

    Your argument is flawed. Further, I said a lot below, yet you chose to pick out my final sentence completely ignoring the rest of my points, that only highlights how weak your argument is. Why do you fail to see responsibility goes both ways, why are you so eager to blame the woman entirely as if the man is some kind of pathetic child who is too dumb to be held accountable for his actions. Like he was manipulated y some devious she devil.

    Your nephews case is rare, in that he was so young and she was so old. I am deeply sorry for what happened to him, and in that case your argument stands strong, but as i said that is a rare case, in that vast majority of cases we are talking about two fully grown consenting adults. Both share should share the responsibilty of their actions.

  20. Nona says:

    Yes Natalie and the MAN has CHOSEN that too, so why are you laying all the blame squarely at the woman’s door?

  21. natalie says:

    Unless a woman is raped in 2012, you have CHOSEN to become a single mother by not protecting YOURSELF.

    This should read you have chosen the possibility of conception

  22. natalie says:

    “you want to hit a man hard, you hit him in his pocket), jail time or whatever other punishments are meted out by the states.”

    very telling sista,

    This sums of your argument and speaks directly to what sista muhammad is talking about. The fact is that as long as women have the CHOICE supported by our current roe v wade reality then with that right comes an enormouse responsibility. If we embrace the rights afforded us but not the responsibility then it is no wonder that our community has fallen so far behind every other community of women. We are not committed to family planning and pregnancy prevention because if our community of women were, WE WOULD NOT BE OUtPACING EVRY OTHER COMMUNITY WITH OOW CHILDREN! Your antiquated thinking is precisely the reason we are in the predicament we are in. Unless a woman is raped in 2012, you have CHOSEN to become a single mother by not protecting YOURSELF.

    Society is evolving on this issue and I hope that those that share your sentiments are not blindsided when the laws change. Its coming! I am pro choice not necessarily pro abortion. Within five years choice will be extended to men. When this happens I strongly suspect our aversion to birthcontrol will cease.

  23. Nona says:

    Barring Natalie’s remarks, as the situation you outlined is entirely different. You all speak as if men are innocent children themselves, too young to be held responsible and accountable for their actions. We are talking, more often than not, of grown men fully aware of the consequences of their actions, yet still refusing to wear condoms ‘because it don’t feel the same’

    Yes in the end the decision is laid at the woman’s door, and rightly so. It is she who has to see her baby’s heartbeat at the first pregnancy scan. And it is she hwho walks around everyday fully aware that she has a little life, her child’s life growing inside her. And it is she who should she decide it, who would have to go to hospital and lay down, with legs askew as the baby, her baby is sucked out of her. Yes it is she who decides whether or not to kill her child, you can use the word abortion all you want because it takes away from the reality and gravity of what it really is, killing your child, it is not simply a decision of having the child or not having the child, for many it is a matter of having the child or killing the child. And it is the woman who has to live with that reality and that decision and that memory for the rest of her life, whichever decision she makes. Thus, although it should be discussed with the father, yes the decision should at the end of the day be the woman’s to make. Because should she decide to have the child and keep it,she is certainly taking responsibility for her irresponsible actions, so why shouldn’t the father?

    And let me make it very clear, i do not in anyway condone women who use their child as a pawn to get back at the father for leaving them (or other such petty reasons), and deny the father access to the child. A child needs two parents, and more often than not when a child only has one active parent in their life (usually the mother) it is because the father does not wish to play an active role in their child’s life, not because the mother doesn’t want them to.

    Grown men do need to ‘man up’ otherwise ‘bag it up’. They know the play and they know how they system is set. What better way to deter men from sowing the wild oats from hither to yonder than the thought of child maintenance payments for the next 18 years (you want to hit a man hard, you hit him in his pocket), jail time or whatever other punishments are meted out by the states.

    For the vast majority of dead beat fathers i have no sympathy, if you didn’t want a baby now or with her, then you should have bagged it up. You were both adults fully aware of what you were doing and both as irresponsible and culpable as each other, so why should the woman get stuck with everything and the man be free to cut all ties. Think of it as a murder, the woman holds and steady’s the gun whilst the man pulls the trigger, are they not both equally responsible for their actions in the killing?

  24. Nojma says:

    @Mack I am almost done, I am at the point now where I need a graphic artist to help me with the book cover, I have a vision of what I want it to look like, I just need someone that has the skills and talent to bring it into fruition.

  25. Mack says:

    Nojma: I love y’all too much to give up on you! 😉

    Besides, I meet decent sisters all the time. But I’m at a different place in my own spirit, where I can attract the decent ones more easily. Most dudes unfortunately are not.

    The brothers I talk to and chop it up with, they just want to see sisters step their dating game up to a higher level. Embrace the good brothers that are out there. Stop going for the dusty dudes who bring nothing to the table, and get with black men who have the capacity to upgrade them in some way.

    But you know the saying: you can only attract what you are… On a different note, when can I expect that book sister?

  26. Nojma says:

    @My Brothers Sankofa and Mack, thank you for continued support. I often remind Sisters that the “I am single woes” come from US, not you, and that we need to understand why Black Women are no longer becoming an option for Black Men. As my Sister Lisa said, don’t give up on us, there are many of us that aren’t giving up on you. This is why I am a huge fan of accountability and looking within SELF, because everything is NOT on the Brothers.

    Thank you so much Lisa for your comments,not filing for child support is going against the grain nowadays, but you were able to see the bigger picture and that is beautiful Sis. I hope to engage in more dialog with you on future articles!

  27. Lisa says:

    I am so delighted by the objectivity of your article, thank you for speaking out and for the black family!

    When I broke from my daughter’s father I didn’t go after child support, to the dismay of many of my female friends/family. My thought was, I chose to have a child and so the child is my responsibility. My second thought was, if he was serious about being a father then he will contribute to his daughter’s all around needs of his own accord, because he wanted to contribute, not because anyone said he had to. The part I am most moved by is your statement about a father’s time being just as valuable, if not more than, money! It was for this reason that I didn’t go back on my decision to take my daughter’s father for child support.

    At Mack, I feel you on so many levels as well. Please don’t give up on black women, some of them just need to be shown the way, given a chance to see and feel the goodness in a man that they didn’t perceive was ever actually there; I know it is hard to hang in there because we are all so tired of fighting and being thrown under the bus, but better communication, calm communication (especially on the part of women)will help save our relationships and help each other grow together. You’re right, if women keep raising the bar without taking responsibility for their own short comings, they will be left in the dust, bitter and alone.

    Thank you again Nojma! I will look for more of your articles from now on.

    Peace and blessings.

  28. natalie says:

    Hermann Goering (Nazi Germany) … “The people can always
    be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is
    tell them they are being attacked and denounce the
    pacifists for lack of
    patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same way in any
    Feminists … “The people can always be brought to
    the bidding of the feminist leaders. All you have to do is tell women and
    children that they are being attacked (by men) and denounce those who protest as
    ‘supporters of abuse’ and for exposing women and children to danger. It works
    the same way in any country.”

    The ‘best interests of the child’ …
    “The state must declare the child to be the most precious treasure of the
    people.” Adolf Hitler in Mein Kampf

    We are using children and our control over reproduction to detroy our men and by extension the community…Its by design and we cant even see it!

  29. The main problem I have with Black Men and any family law issues is their tendency to to be defeatists. They think the system is automatically against them, so they don’t try to learn their rights, and how to fight for them. That is how I spend my days, seven days a week. I teach fathers about their rights, online, and from me bed in a nursing home.

    I have worked with fathers for 23 years, though I have only been in here for 4 years, the result of a beating at the hands of three young men who wanted my money, and not leave a witness behind. And yes, I’m sorry to say they were not white.

    There are addressable rights in family law, including child support, but the men must reach out and learn what they are. It cost nothing to do so as the information is readily available online.

    However, Black Men do need to understand that they are a target in a growing game of who can get pregnant by one. With the decreasing numbers of available Black Men, and not just from being crime victims or going to jail, but also from the reducing rate of male births in our society in the last 30+ years, women who want a child with a Black Man are targeting them for this sole purpose, and not get get child support. They want a child, and are willing to do anything to get one.

    Condoms are 100% ineffective when the woman wants a child, and oral sex does not prevent pregnancy, so the same reason. The sale of Self Insemination Kits are on the rise, and before you doubt someone would be willing to go this far to have a child, consider those who have killed full term pregnant women in order to cut the baby out of her.

  30. Mack says:

    I’m going to keep it 100: First off, Sis. Nojma: great article as always! You never cease to amaze me. Now to the meat of my comment:

    We are living in an age when the lowest common denominator among us is celebrated as the norm. Shows like RHOA, Basketball Ex-Wives, Love and HipHop illustrate this clearly. I can’t go a single day without logging onto youtube and seeing the latest fight video involving groups of young black women acting a vicious fool.

    I go to church seeking solace and I’m forced to listen as the pastor caters to black women by refusing to call them out on their BS and ungodly behavior, but instead throws the few brothers present under the bus, telling us to ‘Man up’ to the cheeers and applause of the sisters.

    This gives the false impression that black men are somehow the problem, and sisters are without fault. Meanwhile he scratches his head in wonder, not able to figure out why more brothers don’t come to church.

    If this present generation of sisters don’t get their act together, they’re in danger of black men leaving them in the dust. This doesn’t apply to every sister, just the greater majority of you.

    The brothers are starting to get wise to the game out here. We see the child support system for what it is: pimping and hoing on the highest level, with the state being the pimp and the mama’s being the ho’s. The fathers play the role of the johns.

    We see the marriage game exactly for what it is: a system designed to benefit women and punish men if they decide to leave the marriage and gain their freedom and peace of mind back. We now see that in America children don’t belong to ‘us’; they belong to women. We men just get to foot the bill or got to jail if we can’t afford to. And many of us are deciding to simply opt out.

    Hate us if you want sisters, but it’s your own fault. You have now become your own worst enemy. Unable to recieve constructive criticism; believing in the fantasy that you’re a queen when you’ve been anything but; throwing brothers under the bus every chance you get in front of a world audience; letting your bodies go to crap and thinking a man should be happy to settle for you, out of shape body, bad attitude and all. The truth hurts but there’s power in it to actually heal if you can receive it.

    Black men are starting to see past the bull, and are actually starting to outgrow black women. Another 20 years from now and the image of a cat lady will look less like the lady in the suburbs and more like…you.

    Funny how so many sisters will complain that a good black man is so hard to find: but women of other races are having NO problem finding these good brothers! Truth is: a good black WOMAN has become hard to find. She might look good but have daddy issues. She might be educated but not smart enough to step her dating up to a higher level instead of dating down.

    It’s time to wise up sisters. Get off your high horse, come back down to reality, lose that ‘don’t need a man’ attitude; stop thinking that accumulating student loans and certificates on your wall somehow compensates for having true life wisdom and a man who can upgrade you, and be willing to be taught how to be ladies again. It’s cool to be sexy, but it’s way better to be feminine.

    Sorry if I hurt any feelings, but I love you too much to not keep it real with you.

    Again Nojma: keep writing!

  31. natalie says:

    @ sankofa.. thanks for those kind words. This woman has disappeared. However, the day after my nephew was found dead the woman was back in court attempting to get an increase in child support. She had not received the news yet i suppose but shed heard if his promotion two weeks prior to his death. My sister has been on anti depressants since the woman served my nephew with child support papers.. a productive family with positive contributions to our community devastated while the state supports and enables another generation of these entitled irresponsible “babymamas” if our leaders refuse to call them out i will not stop until the state sipported assault on our men by family courts comes to an end or i will die trying at the leastt!

  32. Stephanie says:

    Sorry for the typo. I meant “psychological.”

  33. Stephanie says:

    I’d like to add one more aspect to the Baby Mamma drama. I know men who have supported (mentally, financially, emotionally and physically) their children only to find out years later the child isn’t theirs. It’s both angering and devestating and just what do you say to the child?

    My friend’s husband found out last year that his 8 yrs old son is not his. This discovery hurt him to his core. They have yet to tell “his son” the truth, but he still cares/supports him as if he was his own. He is his father, although not biologically.

    We (women) need to quit having random, unprotected sex, or if you foolishly choose to do so, take birth control! We also need to stop playing eeny meeny miny moe when trying to identify the father of the child. Just be honest – you just don’t know – and get paternity tests performed to assist in identifying the father before falsely claiming one. (If you’re running through a list of men, then you really need some phychological help.)

  34. sankofa says:


    After the first two sentences I knew this article was from you my sister and another one I will send to my female associates. Yesterday I was in family court, battling though a nest of vipers and liars to retain ownership of my own dignity and balls, when before me I witnessed a very classic case of the rental womb syndrome.

    The brother was not only older but looked like a lawyer (in fact I thought he was until he mentioned his lawyer was going to be absent but he was willing to proceed anyway). The sister was a young and beautiful and at first I didn’t see the connection…until he laid out the history leading up to yesterday. Apparently they met in a mall, exchange numbers, had sex (because it wasn’t a real relationship) she got pregnant and demanded $250 per month from him. He countered with $500 per month which he would deposit in her account at the suggestion of her aunt, along with additional expenses for the baby, instead of placing it directly in her hands. She countered with denying him access to his 18 month old son for, get this, 1 year 5 month 2 weeks and three hours. Damn… the brother was on point and had records to boot, including receipts. I found out that she was a visitor to the country and her time was coming up.

    Her African female liar was asking for a full payment of over $100,000 dollars in back support. I couldn’t believe my ears but the Caucasian female judge was in agreement. The brother didn’t blink and was willing to write a cheque until his proof of payment to her account was proven. I found out later that he was a neurosurgeon and I then over stood the request made by her. Later, I approach the brother and we talked briefly and I commended him on keeping records, because without that he was in deep do do, as the female lied about receiving any money. I could go on, but the number of us in court vastly out number Caucasians and other ethnic groups and was indicative of how the system is doing good business off our backs.

    @ Natalie, your loss is a painful one, but I pray this female was human enough to accept responsibility for what she eventually caused, because through her deviousness, she caused a potential leader to be eliminated from being a valuable contributor to our community.

  35. bill says:

    “I pray the day will come that this will not be the same simplistic discussion that merely focuses on male accountability”

    I am a white man; the system is slavery to black men and white men. There might me some cases where the man is truly bad; but I think that is the exception and not the rule. What about us fathers who desperately wanted to play an emotional and financial role in our child’s life, but were blocked by the mother and the agencies?

    I maintain that the “dead beat dad” is the “nigger,” or “Jew” of the 21st century. A convenient scapegoat used by mothers and agencies who simply want their money.

    Why should a man be forced into an unnatural “visiting” relationship with his child subject to the whims and emotions of the mother? Most men won’t last very long in such a degrading and humiliating position.

    If it is true that “behind every great man, is a great woman,” then what is behind every “dead beat dad?” Answer: a “dirt bag mother.” Though it is unpleasant and not politically correct, dig a little deeper into the reasons behind a deadbeat dad; chances are you won’t like the woman making the accusations.

    Women of America, if you ever want to have any kind of normal family structure again, you will have to repeal the unfair laws aimed at men. Then you will have to relearn how to support and cherish men and husbands, as women did in times past.

  36. natalie says:

    And thank u you for those kind words sis!!!! Keep fighting the good fight

  37. natalie says:

    ??????? Huh

  38. Patty says:

    I think that too many of our men don’t take life seriously. I am glad that now the bar is higher and that we have a Obama. We needed a model like that, it will inspire young black men to be something else besides being a rapper, an athlete or a singer. I am soooo fed up to meet losers who don’t value education, etc. For the first time I confronted one of them recently who was wooing me. I asked him, what is wrooooong with you guys? I finished high school when I was 16 and if my parents accepted that I skipped another grade, I would have finished high school at 15. At 18, I was in university and started my first master’s degree at 22 and started my second at 26. Even if racism exists, education and hard work are the best weapons to fight this. I don’t respect adults (men or women) who are not doing anything to improve their situation, are not responsible and bring children into this world who won’t have the opportunity to benefit of all this life has to offer.

  39. Patty says:

    I think that too many of our men don’t take life seriously. I am glad that now the bar is higher and that we have a Obama. We needed a model like that, it will inspire young black men to be something else besides being a rapper, an athlete or a singer. I am soooo fed up to meet losers who don’t value education, etc. For the first time I confronted one of them recently who was wooing me. I asked him, what is wrooooong with you guys? I finished high school when I was 16 and if my parents accepted that I skipped another grade, I would have finished high school at 15. At 18, I was in university and started my first master’s degree at 22 and started my second at 26. Even if racism exists, education and hard work are the best weapons to fight this. I don’t respect adults (men or women) who are not doing anything to improve their situation, are not responsible and bring children into this world who want have the opportunity to benefit of all this life has to offer.

  40. Nojma says:

    Peace Sis, I know that this issue is issue is close to home for you. You have expressed yourself very eloquently and I could actually feel the passion in your words. I am so sorry that your nephew took his life, but by bringing awareness to this type of mentality, and getting to the root to implement a solution, will ensure that his death will NOT be in vain. I have so much admiration and respect for your courage, drive and fight. Love you Sis!

  41. natalie says:

    Thanks again sista,

    My apologies for such a lengthy post but this is something that I have become passionate about over the course of the last 10 years.

    As you may already know sis. Nojma

    In 2007, my nephew (19 at the time) committed suicide after a woman 7 years his senior admitted to pregnancy entrapment (contraception tampering) He was to attend college in the Fall but instead was served with CS orders. Absent the ability to prove in public what this woman admitted to in private my nephew was told to simply “man up” by the courts. After two years of depression his suicide note read… “I cannot believe this has happened. Some days are better than others, but I have decided that I would rather die than to continue to support – – – – . My entire life has been turned upside down and I pray that God recives me with understanding”.This has made it very personal for me.

  42. natalie says:

    I pray the day will come that this will not be the same simplistic discussion that merely focuses on male accountability but considers the many contributing factors which include but definitely are not limited to our community’s indoctrination by radical ideolgues (that do not have our community’s interest in mind) and the subsequent policies that give women the right to “choose” but abdicates us of the enormous responsibility that comes with such a right. Pre-conception = 20+ options for preventing unwanted pregnancies and out of wedlock childbirths(70%) that are directly linked to the fatherless crisis. Post-conception = the morning after pill or termination of pregnancy…

    Post child birth = adoption or dropping the child off at a safe house. We talk a lot about men abandoning their responsibilities, but the same reason that women “abandon” motherhood (emotionally unprepared, financially unprepared, etc) are the same reasons that we refer to mens “walking away” as deadbeatism. Women have COMPLETE CONTROL throughout the process but I have become increasingly annoyed with the hypocrisy that ignores the fact that given womens complete right to “choose” the circumstances under which children are brought into this world then there should be greater focus on the complete responsibility that comes with that choice.

    Our leaders continue to ignore the complexity of the issue ignoring the realities of womesn evolving riole in society while maintaining the expectation that mens should remain rthe same. It creates inequality that shows little regard for the well-being of men and boys in our community. I will simply say that a community that despises its men run the risk of creating despicable men. We are beginning to see the fallout after years of simply reducing the issue of fatherlessness to mens need to “man up” while neglecting the social-emotional needs and feelings of distress that many of the men that are so often criticized rarely receive any consideration for.

    I am a tired old woman that has sons nephews etc and am not willing to allow our leaders dominate this discussion where we have shifted to wards extending men the message of accountability while demonstrating little compassion, it is ruthless and we respect men but have failed to love them..All the while we extend compassion to women while minimizing the accountability, it is infantilizing and it demonstrates love but it isnt respecting us to defend our honor when we are being dishonorable.

    I watched coverage of the crisis in Syria a couple of days ago. As is common practice in western journalism it was reported “20 killed including women and children” I thought little of it until my nephew of 21 years of age stated “Theres the problem right there, we get the message loud and clear; our lives are assigned different value than everyone elses.” We will never solve this crisis with these antiquated messages where men are reduced to the value of their “doings” as opposed to the value of their being.

    Every clergy and black leader in the country should be marching against the destruction being perpetrated against our men in the family courts but it wont happen because they are cowards that lack the passion and humanity to truly address the issue! It is an interesting dichotomy where we as women declare independence and an ability to stand on our own while maintaining the idea of ourselves and children as helpless victims of mens ill intent. Im tired.

    We have pivoted towards full acceptance of the “babymama” phenomena and the best that we can offer as a solution is to jail men for their inability to pay child support. We intentionally focus on post birth responsibility because this allows us to focus on mens role in what we maintain as acts of “irresponsibility” perpetrated against our community. The problem is that if we shifted towards a pre-conception model it would be an indictment of our colossal failures as women to prevent this, given the biological realities and the reality of the rights afforded us by the law.

    I don’t agree with feminsit on anything, but one thing that attorney Karen Decrow mentioned that has always stood out to me and that I am in complete agreement with is

    “Justice therefore dictates that if a woman makes a unilateral decision to bring pregnancy to term, and the biological father does not, and cannot, share in this decision, he should not be liable for 21 years of support. Or, put another way, autonomous women making independent decisions about their lives should not expect men to finance their choice.” —
    Karen DeCrow, former NOW President ( National Organization for Women, U.S.A.)