An open letter of apology to Black Men in hopes of Reconciliation.

by Staff November 23, 2011 141 Comments News Opinion Relationships Weekly Columns

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(ThyBlackMan.com) Dear Black Man,

I have become a woman that you no longer recognize. I have allowed our enemy to impregnate me with his ideas and thoughts. I have allowed an illusion of independence to keep us separated. I have fooled myself into believing that my degrees places me degrees above you.

I humbly come to you asking forgiveness. I come to you asking you to forgive me for not supporting you. I come to you asking you to forgive me for not truly loving you. I was taught to hate myself, then hate you. My desire to reproduce you was killed by our enemy. I apologize for teaching my daughters that you will fail them, and continuning the cycle of an illusion of indepedence with them. I apologize for not encouraging you, for not being more patient with you, for not understanding your plight, your trials and your tribulations.

I apologize for thinking in order to gain strength I had to weaken you. I apologize for disturbing your peace, in order to have peace within myself, or what I thought was peace. My life has been in peril without you. I tried to convince myself that I don’t need you, but you are a necessity. I can’t even continue the cycle of life without you. I apologize for my harsh tone, for using my tongue as a sword, for telling you that you are nothing, when in fact you are everything.

I apologize for mistreating you, disrespecting you, neglecting you and belittling you. I know that I have aided in breaking you, and I am beneficial in rebuilding you. I am acknowleding the wrongs that I have committed against you,and I am confessing my faults. By acknowledging my wrongs, doesn’t mean I am absolving you of your duty, but rather I am re-committing myself to my duty to you.

I have relinquished my womb from our enemy and I am returning it to it’s rightful owner; you.

I tried to walk this journey of life without you, but I realized that I should be walking this journey with you, and beside you.I pray that you accept my sincere apology, and that we can start the process of reconciliation, so we can love each other and have productive and successful relationships that will set the standard for our children.

Black Man……….I love you…..

Signed,
A Black Woman who concedes that her womb was one of many…….

Staff Writer; Nojma Muhammad

To learn more about this talented sister, feel free to visit; Nojma Reflects.

141 Comments

Nolu says:

December 7, 2011 at 6:47 pm

Reminds me of the woman who apologises profusely each time ‘she provokes her abusive husband into butshering her’ “I’m sorry honey, I’m sorry I angered you. Its not you, its me. Don’t know why I make you do this”

From victim to accomplice. even perpetrator? Sorry champ, this guilt’s misplaced.

If he’s a good man, she’ll treat him as the King he is, standard. He can never be King w/tout treating her as Queen. Just sayn….

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Nolu says:

December 7, 2011 at 6:39 pm

I’m sorry for not knowing my place in society. You are head. I am the tail. Where you lead. I will be subverted and I will follow blindly. I love myself but not nearly as much. I love you more. Without you I seize to exist. I am only if you. I am the extension of u. Black man I love you…from victim to accomplice. Guild misplaced…wtf…?!?

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rocky says:

December 7, 2011 at 4:00 pm

We love or boys and raise our girls..it’s time for boys to be raised as men!

No, you love AND raise your girls:

http://ugrj.ucr.edu/journal/volume2/JamesTelesford.pdf

“While no differences were found in the way that the mother uses control with her children, the mother did appear to have a more warm and guiding-producing relationship with her daughter. This finding runs contrary to the stereotype that the “African American mother ‘loves’ her son, but ‘raises’ her daughter.”

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Lynn says:

December 7, 2011 at 3:21 pm

Next up, the Palestinians apologize to Israel. Then, the Native Americans apologize to the white settlers. Samson apologizes to Delilah…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

#dead

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Yahseen Malik says:

December 7, 2011 at 2:33 pm

1st, Let me say this is what you call a good example of what Jesus preached (for the so-called claiming christians).

2nd, This is an example of a woman UNDERSTANDING her role in a union that GOD created.

3rd, I thank you for breaking the stereotype that media has been placing on women and men of color since we were taken by ships into strange lands where no one has bought us. (Christians, Israelites, Colored People – Learn who you are and why you are here. Read your bible and understand the curses discussed in Deuteronomy and who they were meant for.)

Finally, To all those who have responded harshly and negatively to this letter, YOU are the common denominator as to why there is no more black family union. YOU are the reason why black women are exploited everywhere and why black men are despised everywhere. YOU are the reason our children never grow up or grow old. YOU are the reason why black men continue to be effeminately perpetuated and why black women shall remain under Eve’s curse for disobedience. YOU are the reason why our youth would much rather be drug dealers, rappers, strippers, video vixens, whores, sports athletes, whore-mongers, or gang members than to read a book, get a sound education, love one another, or combat MY-stery rather than become a part of HIS-story. YOU are the reason for stereotypes that for one reason or another have become the social norm and truth of our communities. So don’t blame the black man. Don’t blame the white man. Don’t blame the next man. Blame YOURSELF.

Black men and Black women – YOU ARE THE REASON FOR YOUR OWN HARDSHIPS! Learn who you are. Seek Knowledge and Truth. Stop accepting what the media was built for: LIES! Your alliance should be to your own 1st. If you are going to learn from other cultures and races, learn how to stick by your own 1st. Learn how to keep what’s in-house behind closed doors. Stop being a product of a reality that has been GIVEN to YOU. I got LOVE for my people but if I could trade some of my brothers and sisters, I would probably do it because most of yall are too impressionable, too ignorant, too independent, too self-minded, too immoral, too problematic that the chosen people could do alot better without you.

Men STEP UP and TAKE BACK your Women. Women STEP DOWN and TAKE BACK your place in GOD’s CREATION. PEACE!

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Barbara Horne says:

December 7, 2011 at 4:02 am

Though ideologically I agree with Mahogany, I feel you sentiment and hope that you get what you want by writing this letter.

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Mahogany says:

December 6, 2011 at 9:21 pm

BW, I apologize that the author’s letter was written in the first place.

BW, I apologize that when these monsters get on Youtube and stereotype, berate, and degrade us that no BM has come to our rescue.

BW, I apologize that we (although there were TWO people involved) have to raise the children alone and bite our fingernails as each birthday passes hoping and praying to God that our children will turn out right.

BW, I apologize for every horrible act of rape and/or incest that has happened to us.

BW, I apologize for every degrading rap song that has been heard on a BLACK tv network from BM that whom we have breastfed.

BW, I apologize that men who look like us are competing against us because for some reason they CHOSE to give up.

BW, I apologize for BW who have “mammy mule” mentalities who sit up here and defend BM who gave up, don’t give a d@mn, walk away from their families, live off your 80 hour salary, pimp you from the pulpit, etc…

BW, I aplogize for those CONQUERED preachers who tell you that you have to “earn” your husband by laboring in the church

With that said…..

Black Women Empowerment (BWE) Bloggers and commentors, I THANK YOU for your dedication, boldness, ingenuity and butterfly-like spirit for educating us on the truth. Much of what I wrote is a combination from your wisdom. You have taught us the truth.

The truth is….

-We are not mammy mules. We don’t have to do anything for a non-reciprocating so called community.

-We are free to love and date whoever we want

-We don’t have to apologize for a darn thing b/c most of us didn’t do anything except for show up for class, graduate and get a helluva career.

-We beautiful and worthy of love.

-Men in the global village find us attractive, lovely, choose to procreate openly and marry us.

I can go on. But I will stop there.

No, I don’t agree with this author. She can only speak for herself. But BW we can speak for ourselves too with our actions, our love life and our dollars.

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Jessica says:

December 6, 2011 at 2:41 pm

Oh brother. More groveling.

Whats wrong again with establishing an independent path?

Give me a break.

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Holly says:

December 6, 2011 at 1:37 pm

Next up, the Palestinians apologize to Israel. Then, the Native Americans apologize to the white settlers. Samson apologizes to Delilah…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

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Luna Noire says:

December 6, 2011 at 10:58 am

To the letter writer:

With as much respect as I can muster, you are staggeringly delusional. I really thought this was some sort of bad joke; a parody of these types of letters that are all over the web – these cloyingly sweet homages to the “black power” and “sister soldier” prose of the 60’s and 70’s. You know the ones – filled with bad poetry and stock phrases, and devoid of any sentiment anchored in reality.

But, no, you’re serious.

And to the brothers lapping this stuff up?

If you think this women represents what the majority of black women are thinking about you these days, puh-leeze! Get a grip!

You, as a collective group of men, have been writing checks you can’t cash for decades now. We can’t take that paper no more.

Do not be lulled into thinking that your empty words are still having an effect on us when you read what this poor woman writes. Your words have no value anymore. You are bankrupt. We have noticed, even if Ms. Muhammad has not.

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Deborrah says:

December 6, 2011 at 9:02 am

This woman is pathetic. Even more pathetic is to see grown men so desperately glob onto the words of a complete stranger on a website. Are you kidding me? No man should have an ego so fragile, or be so needy that he is excited to see trash like this. And she is a joke. Apologizing like a simpering fool to men she has never met or said one word to. The epitome of biblical guilt and female blame shifting. She is all caught up in it. These types of women are an embarrassment to women and should be to any strong black man proud of the man he is and what he has accomplished in life. Only loser dudes need praise from strangers to feel good about themselves.

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Patricia Kayden says:

December 6, 2011 at 5:54 am

I, as a Black woman, have absolutely nothing to apologize to Black men for. This is a joke, right?

When Black men get their act together, they won’t be looking for Black women to apologize to them for nonexistent slights.

By the way, when will Black men do what other men are doing? Getting educated, getting jobs, raising children, providing for their families, staying out of jail, being productive, etc.

Yes, there are Black men who are doing what they should be doing (just like other races of men), but too many are trifling. They need to apologize to themselves for their own failures.

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Halima says:

December 6, 2011 at 1:42 am

I would just like to say to the black men reading this letter that this woman in no way speaks for all of us black women. I am not apologizing to anybody that I personally did nothing to. I am not apologizing for anything that someone assumes I am because of my race and gender. Like greyeyedgirl said, what do we black women have to apologize to black men for? For living my life? For being a human being who tries to do well in life like any other woman? Oh, I know. I should be apologizing because I’m a black woman and according to black men we are not what they want or like right now. I could care less about that and I’m not saying sorry. However, what does bother me are those pathetic, begging, and desperate black women apologizing to the same black men who have been throwing a black woman bash fest for the past few years and she wants to get on their good side. I should not have to beg or convince any man that I’m worth something because of my COLOR. I date non black men and I have not even heard a quarter the venom spit out against black women the way black men do. So, I say I’m doing pretty well when it comes to love.I do not have to apologize to them for acceptance. Who I do want to say sorry to are the women who are like the woman who wrote this letter above. I’m not sorry out of being wrong. I am sorry for you and your desperation and the fact that you have not waken up to what is really going on.

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a black man says:

December 3, 2011 at 7:12 pm

i honestly care nothing for this letter…just to the girl below. that youtube business was started….by black women…then swp, thugtician (backed up by the MRAs and the like) came in…before the 1990s black men had no voice to diss bw, bw on the other hand have had ample practice from times immemorial. so its fuck black men….believe me, its all the way back to you – with all the ‘rape’ bw claim to have been through at the hands of white, arab, turkish, asian men throughout the centuries…choosing to stick with them only highlights the fact that bw found solace and security in laying down for a white man..back in the day..

when bm make these pathetic ass apologies to bw on youtube, i dont see anywhere the same level of protest….but ill tell you this…no bw can disrespect me to my face…all black men have to do is man up and let N.O O.N.E tell us what to do…come together and do what men do; plan, strategise and EXECUTE cuz we killin’ each other somethin horrible out here…fuck a greyeyedgirl, or whoever else for that matter.

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greyeyedgirl says:

December 2, 2011 at 4:28 pm

Lorraine Currelley sista, Im with you here…this pathetic lonely black woman, that if shes really a black woman. If so she needs to speak for herself only. Watch how many bitter black women we will be called because we don’t subscribe to this bullshit.

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greyeyedgirl says:

December 2, 2011 at 4:11 pm

Apologize to black men? For what? What about all of the mean-spirited things that black men have done to black women? This is the absolute worse kind of bullshit! This fully seals it on why I have completely turned my back on black men. Tired of being the black man’s fucking scapegoat! Black women this and black women that…All of those venomously hate filled anti black women vids that litter YOUTUBE and other sites and black women should apologize to black men??? FUCK BLACK MEN!!!!!

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Ty says:

November 29, 2011 at 3:51 pm

Interesting Natalie-

However I wonder what this type of conversation would be like with the women a bit younger than you 2 to 3 generations out.

Would they understand where you’re coming from or would the dialog even among these groups explode into an argument about the older women has no idea of what struggle they have to deal with therefore ignoring wisdom.

I am curious about this because every generation that passes it appears that all of what you are saying has fallen on deaf ears in a very bad way.

It’s not for me to judge and I am not trying to do this. However the generations now are about “I gots to get mine”I say this based on the hard girl image that we see on a regular “video superstars of certain arenas like Rap, not picking on rap but take a look at this and compare it to Natalie’s generation is my point here. That along evokes a certain negative reaction out of men that watch this and get completely confused and sex. Just curious

I imagine if this same conversation were among us black men. We would have to fight back on ego and assumptions on one another. However that’s something else within itself that us black men should address.

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natalie says:

November 29, 2011 at 3:20 pm

As our roles began to evolve in society, we maintained the expectation that mens should remain the same. So while we aggressively asserted ourselves as “independent” women with complete control over our reproductive decisions and an ability to STAND ON OUR OWN we maintained the idea that men should remain the chivalrous, protectors and providers that we believed they should be. The problem with the idea that we “should raise our boys to be men” is that while we focused on empowering and nurturing our girls towards a re-defining of traditional expectations of womanhood, we as women maintained a traditional defining of manhood for men. The problem is that women should not engage in defining manhood for men as our expectation is rooted in a definition that is most beneficial to those doing the defining, WOMEN! The emasculating use of the term man up is rooted in our idea of a man falling short of our idea of “what a man is” without any regard for the idea that men define what manhood is for them. Should the way a man defines manhood for himself not be good fit for us then it is not meant for us to define it but rather to move on until we find a better fit for our ideals about manhood. I would never say that another woman is less of a woman because of a,b or c I would simply say that I am not that type of woman. I always hear the argument that we wouldnt have to define manhood for men if fathers would step up, but the idea that ones choice to engage in recreational sex that led to an unwanted pregnancy and the womans unilateral decision to go to term with the idea that a consent to sex is a consent to fatherhood and non-compliance with our “expectation of what a man SHOULD do” because men are no longer manning up, as opposed to accepting responsibility for our role in the current fatherlessness crisis is beginning to be challenged by many in our community that have had enough! It is a very interesting dichotomy where we are vocal about our strenngth and independence while maintaining the idea of ourselves as victims of mens ill intent. The very concept of focusing our attention on condoms (male symbol of sexual (ir) responsibility) and mens behavior post conception is a blatant attempt to shift focus away from the 20+ options we have available to us to prevent unwanted pregnancies and the lack of responsibility we demonstrated pre-conception. You see by focusing on condom use and post-conception responsibility it focuses on male responsibility or lack of and absolves us of any responsibility for the personal choices that we made. When men “walk away” we refer to them as deadbeats but the top three reasons that they walk away are the very same reasons that women put their children up for adoption or abort. We dont refer to women as deadbeats for “abandoning” the responsibility that comes with conception but we extend compassion to our girls and women about the options they have should they not be in an ideal financial situation, relationship or the potential impact on career. Do we not believe that men experience the same anxieties and fears and can be impacted in a such a way as well? As one that has worked in community mental health and in private practice with men whose pain has often been dismissed and/or completely invisible to society I think its time we begin exploring these issues from their perspective. I fought as have other women, too hard for a womans right to choose, while most simply enjoy the rights without responsibility. With rights come an even greater responsibility and its time out for not looking in the mirror at the problem. That goes for men too but until the pendulum that has swung too far in our efforts to empower women is more balanced in its consideration for the needs of the men in our community I will continue to be a pssionate voice that demands we cease in the neglect of our boys/men. If we think its bad now the consequences will be devastating if we dont pivot away from the way of thinking that hasnt ushered in the “change” we say we have desired for decades now.

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natalie says:

November 29, 2011 at 2:31 pm

The part that disturbs me about “the destruction of the black family” is that it implies the existence of family to begin with. With us approaching a 70-75% rate of out of wedlock childbirth I would argue that the majority of our children are not being born into families any longer.

I cannot speak of the specific impact of feminism on other communities as a non-member of those communities but as a woman of color I can speak of its impact on my community. Our community has long been held hostage by feminist ideologues. Many feminist would have society believe that anti the ideology is the equivalent of anti-woman. The two are not synonymous.

I first began my advocacy of creating an awareness of the negative impact of feminism on society (the black/brown community in particular) in the early years of my clinical practice and in various academic circles.I began to see a paradigm shift that led to less gender neutrality in various treatment modalities. This shift was parallel to the “change” that was taking place in society’s feminist influenced thinking as a whole. The shift to focusing exploration of womens issues in the context of their relationship to the men in their lives was indicative of society’s eventual progression towards the current “blame game” that takes place in many gender focused discussions. We began emphasizing accountability for men while extending them very little compassion. This was ruthless of course and it is respecting men but not necessarily loving them. On the other hand society began to emphasize compassion for women while extending them very little accountability.. it is infantilizing and it is loving women but not necessarily respecting them. (Goldich, 2011)

There are a number of byproducts of this but perhaps one of the most dmaging to my community has been the pivot away from referring to unwed mothers in our community as such to being lumped in with divorced mothers and widows for the now all encompassing term “single mother”. With this for example came the unintended consequence of empowering generations of women towards acceptance of the current “babymama” phenomena. You see referring to an unwed mother as a single mother is empowering in that it createss the narrative of a “strong black woman that made it in spite of…”. So if a child attends college it is the testatment of the strength of a single mother..if the same child were to become incarcerated it is an indictment of the colossal failure of men/fathers. Unbelieveable! Another uninteneded consequence is the current “boy crisis” where the education disparity is growing, male suicide is increasing and the anti-male bias and bashing in society continues to become common practice.

These idealogues no longer push for equality but they dominate the dialogue that has led to both subtle and overt notions of men=bad, women=good. I am old enough to remember a time when the social contract that had existed for thousands of years between man and woman was the crux of healthy communities. No, everything was not perfect, but children were more likely to be raised within the structure of family. The current conflicts between men and women and the subsequent break down of black family was not as prevalent as it has become. Something happened as the women’s liberation movement began to push more aggressively for “equality” and for the rights of women to have their roles evolve in society. With this push the social contract was broken on one side.

While men continued to be held to an expectation that would honor their side of the social contract, radical feminist ideologues began to reshape the thinking of society with growing influence in many areas including education, policy and in my personal experience even the feminization of psychology. for the record I am not some right wing, family values nut job.

Feminist began to assert the notion that patriarchal oppression was responsible for many of society’s ills and at its most radical end that the social contract that had protected marriage and family was merely constructed for the benefit of those that sought to keep women “oppressed.” We swallowed hook line and sinker and began enjoying rights without responsible which is best characterized in the feminist mantra “my body my choice”….someone elses responsibility? And what do we have to show for being “sexually liberated” with COMPLETE control over reproduction (20+options for birth control pre-conception and access to safe abortions or adoption post conception)?

An illigitimacy rate that increased exponentially over several decades aggresively approaching 8 in 10 while we continue to reduce it to merely a “need for black men to man up.” Our community has been held hostage by feminist idealogues for decades and we now see the detrimental impact of buying into this ideology and the subsequent policies.

Oh and these young men may not be able to fully understand the message but they are starting to demonstrate more outward objections to the comparative difference in expectation that society has place on them. But one will never hear this injected into conversations regarding equality by idealogues. What is coming, is the tipping point where men and boys will inevitably begin to aggressively “push back.” A society that despises its men runs the risk of creating a society of despicable men. The good thing is that there are a growing number of men and women that no longer will accept the lowered expectations and dependency upon these ideologues that have contributed to the rapid deterioration of our families, community, values and subsequent economic decline.

I have stood in the trenches alongside many men in the fight for a womans right to “choice”… these men that fight so passionately would have their rights not even welcome in discussions regarding reproduction by the very women for whom they fight so passionately. There is a growing coalition and together we can achieve true equality for all that “TRULY BELIEVE” in fairness. We can no longer dismiss our mens voices from the discussion focusing on their behavior without any exploration of the underlying causes, their feelings, and continue to make assumptions about their feelings. Feminism has contributed largely in part to the current gender conflicts and hurts in our community.

A sentiment expressed by a few in my field of study is the idea that “hurt people, hurt people.” We are hurting in our community and as it stands now we continue the cycle without ever really looking at some of the real problems.

Do a little research, work on increasing our capacity for perspective taking, engage in more objective dialogue, seek truth and share .

Signed,
A sista long tired of of the devastation exacted on my community by feminism.

http://www.tastymojo.com/LouisvilleMojo/photos_pgp/093/PG7432020080109062112593093.jpg

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hoodgirl says:

November 28, 2011 at 6:55 pm

We love or boys and raise our girls..it’s time for boys to be raised as men!

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USMC Recon says:

November 28, 2011 at 4:39 pm

This article is hokey and the same old typical BS making excuses for black men. Black women should never have to apologize for taking the lead when their men won’t. I see way more black men doing their women dirty than the other way around.

And are black men so weak that they still need excuses made for them in 2011? Why do they need their ego stroked so hard?
Damn, just be responsible already and stop using the white man as an excuse.

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T says:

November 28, 2011 at 3:51 pm

this is a bunch of BS!

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T. Courtney says:

November 28, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Great letter sister. Many of us Black men appreciate your sincerity. We could feel it in your words. However, this reconciliation that you speak of can only take place once we as Black men know where we want to go. Wherever you go in America men run their communities with the support and cooperation of their women. Chinese men, Arab men, Jewish men, Irish men, German men, Italian men, Swedish men, British men, etc all run their communities with the support and cooperation of their women. Who runs the Black community. Some Black men say Black women. Not true. If we’re not going to run it then we cannot expect reconciliation. It’s on us brothers. If you don’t want to run your own world then nothing in your life will ever make sense. You will always be begging other men to give you something. We must work with each other to run our own world so our women can choose whether or not they want to support the agenda we have come up with or whether they choose something different. I enjoyed greatly the comments everyone made. Continue the dialog.

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Ty says:

November 27, 2011 at 7:05 pm

Dear Black Women-

Hear me out, please no judgments! Go there – inside were we can hear one another.

I want to thank you on the behalf of a Black Men that cares about this from the core. For opening up those doors to your heart that seemed to be closed to us.
Through men using a system that separated us from the house to our roots within.

We’ve waited for your voice in these matters because only through your voices like our mothers is what seals the approval, that yes you understand what’s happened not only to the house our roots, However to you as well through this over time.

I am not the voice of most brothers, However one voice that shares this yearning to reconnect and put the house back in order.

Yes some of us has shown the selfish side of self to you and we are truly sorry. However it’s from not understanding and feeling that we meant nothing to you as they’ve wanted us to feel through mental conditioning.

Some of us out there create reasons for you to question our motives we are not strangers to this fact. However it’s not all of us whom fit into the stereotypes of the world as many out there choose to put on us as black Men. The same source that’s demoralized us Black Men has also demoralized you as well, a double whammy tearing us down to nothing if we allow it to go any further.

And yes there will be some out there who disagree with everything I am saying here. It’s cool, yo freedom of speech right. And yes along with progress negativity follows. It’s a given.

So that you know, One persons mistakes does not cause for all of us to be placed with insulting labels like: bastards or dead beat fathers. Somehow we grew apart and gave up is the truth in most situations I am sure. People can fix most issues
But they choose not to depending on who it is involved.

And just because some may choose to leave a relationship, it does not mean we are no good MTF. Just maybe the two of us in this situation were not meant to be is all.

And we are not fit as a couple around children. Showing bad examples of how two adults react to each other under serious circumstances related to power playing head games and control issues. We both on some level go through this. However there are solutions for the sake of children created. If we cared enough to set aside the differences we create as couples. Now this is all general.

We’re not asking for you to be a crutch to us, However that you realize how much we’ve lost and just how important this dialog mean to us, You and Me alike as one house Dear Black Women from a Black Man.

Without you life has no meaning. Without this understanding among us about what’s important to our race and what we’ve lost – there’s really nothing else to talk about due to where this has taken us personally and socially speaking.

We want you to be everything your hearts desire and than some, However never forgetting that balance that we create. So that one day by the camp fires we share those stories of success together as a family.

Sharing how friendship at first can translate into beautiful things if we are smart to give such a gift to each other.

Respecting one another roles and ideas about life and such Dear Black Women.

Our children of tomorrow and beyond need such stories from us. However if told or narrated by others. Things will get altered and edited away as our history books around the world has shown over and over again.

Knowledge is powerful. And by conversations like these between us, we together can move forward gaining back what we lost in one another.

I Thank you from the core of my soul (The Black Man) without his ego to stop these words from me to you Black Women

Peace.

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Brenande Mossita says:

November 27, 2011 at 4:00 pm

This is a load of crap.The black woman is demoralized more than anybody else in the world and this dummy is apologizing for the stupidity in the community. I wish one day black people will stop listening to Steve Harvey,Michael Baisden and other dummies pointing black women to the wrong direction.

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Nojma says:

November 27, 2011 at 1:54 pm

Pardon me Lorraine for calling you Lois.

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Nojma says:

November 27, 2011 at 12:56 pm

@Ty,

Thank you for actually looking into the heart of your Sister, I appreciate that and I appreciate you.

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Ty says:

November 27, 2011 at 12:53 pm

OMG you’ve hit a chord here I am in tears and that’s something I never do. How can anyone who read this and not understand where your heart is.

wOW

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Ty says:

November 27, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Nojma-

I agree with you 1000 %

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Nojma says:

November 27, 2011 at 12:12 pm

Peace Everyone,

This letter was more symbolic versus personal. Is anyone familiar with the teachings of Willie Lynch? If not here is an exceprt from “The Willie Lynch Letter; The Making of a Slave”:

THE BREAKING PROCESS OF THE AFRICAN WOMAN

Take the female and run a series of tests on her to see if she will submit to your desires willingly. Test her in every way, because she is the most important factor for good economics. If she shows any sign of resistance in submitting completely to your will, do not hesitate to use the bullwhip on her to extract that last bit of [b—-] out of her. Take care not to kill her, for in doing so, you spoil good economics. When in complete submission, she will train her offsprings in the early years to submit to labor when they become of age. Understanding is the best thing. Therefore, we shall go deeper into this area of the subject matter concerning what we have produced here in this breaking process of the female nigger. We have reversed the relationship; in her natural uncivilized state, she would have a strong dependency on the uncivilized nigger male, and she would have a limited protective tendency toward her independent male offspring and would raise male offsprings to be dependent like her. Nature had provided for this type of balance. We reversed nature by burning and pulling a civilized nigger apart and bullwhipping the other to the point of death, all in her presence. By her being left alone, unprotected, with the MALE IMAGE DESTROYED, the ordeal caused her to move from her psychologically dependent state to a frozen, independent state. In this frozen, psychological state of independence, she will raise her MALE and female offspring in reversed roles. For FEAR of the young male’s life, she will psychologically train him to be MENTALLY WEAK and DEPENDENT, but PHYSICALLY STRONG. Because she has become psychologically independent, she will train her FEMALE offsprings to be psychologically independent. What have you got? You’ve got the nigger WOMAN OUT FRONT AND THE nigger MAN BEHIND AND SCARED. This is a perfect situation of sound sleep and economics. Before the breaking process, we had to be alertly on guard at all times. Now, we can sleep soundly, for out of frozen fear his woman stands guard for us. He cannot get past her early slave-molding process. He is a good tool, now ready to be tied to the horse at a tender age. By the time a nigger boy reaches the age of sixteen, he is soundly broken in and ready for a long life of sound and efficient work and the reproduction of a unit of good labor force. Continually through the breaking of uncivilized savage niggers, by throwing the nigger female savage into a frozen psychological state of independence, by killing the protective male image, and by creating a submissive dependent mind of the nigger male slave, we have created an orbiting cycle that turns on its own axis forever, unless a phenomenon occurs and re-shifts the position of the male and female slaves. We show what we mean by example. Take the case of the two economic slave units and examine them close.

NOw if you read that, you will see how the focus was placed on the Black Woman, and how the Black Man was broken down, made weak and inferior in the eyes of Black Women. When you think about welfare programs, programs like section eight……where a man can’t even be in the house with a woman…or programs that give women food, shelter,child care, and a job which leads some women to believe they don’t need a man for anything. Regarding eduation, our girls are excelling at a rapid rate, while our boys are failing at an even faster rate. Higher Education has always been more accessible for Black Women than it has been for Black Men.

There are several women who do have an “illusion of an independence”. I speak to them everyday who acutally say they don’t “need” a man, which is not true, as we need one another to continue the cycle of life. I have also spoken with women that feel that because that have a higher education, they automatically feel that they are BETTER than Black Men who don’t have an education. That is what I am referring to in my letter when I say “I have fooled myself into believing that my degrees places me degrees above you”, because again there are women that acutally believe that and discount what may be a good man, because she feels he is beneath her, then complains that there are no good men.

Lois you can’t realistically say that the Black Woman has always held the Black Man down. There are many blog sites, articles and movies which BLACK WOMEN support that bash the Black Man and showcase him in a horrible light.

Lois said: “A Black women choosing to educate herself and desire a better life for herself does not mean she is betraying Black men!”

Where did I say that in my letter Sis? What you are focusing on is one part of the letter, and the part that you chose to focus on is your INTERPRETATION of what I wrote, versus what I actually wrote. Man is the head of the house….correct? So as I stated earlier if a woman feels that she is on a highly level SOLEY because she has a degree, and that he is beneath her, then that goes against the natural of order of men and women does it not? Not once did I say that women shouldn’t pursue a higher education.

@Ty,

Both men and women need to first look within and examine self. It is easy to point the blame, but hard to look in the mirror. Also we need to be held accountable for our descisons and choices. Like you stated most of our desicions to be with someone is based on the superficical, whether it is a thick shape or a bank account. How often do we delve into the MINDS of the people we choose to be with? Instead of looking for a “mate” we look for people to “mate” with. A much needed dialog needs to take place between Black Men and Black Women, void of emotion, which will be hard, because both of us have hurt by one another. My letter was taking the first step towards dialog. I noticed on several sites, women want an apology FIRST, as if Women are COMPLETELY innocent in the destruction of the Black Family. We have ALL contributed to the destruction of the Black Family and it takes a HUMBLE person to acknowledge that and apologize for it. Though all of have contributed to the destructition, we can all contribute to the restoration as well.

Peace

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Ty says:

November 27, 2011 at 11:41 am

Lorraine Currelley –

Why attack her like this. The very thing you say about her. You are showing us the same base on your examples given.

I’m curious , what generation or you from and have you talked to any of the generations of women after yours about what they think.

We can all agree with your thoughts on what you’ve accomplished, However when you say black men leave their families. You’re wrong there.

There are situations where you have great black men trying to make it with their families. However he could be with a black woman that simply do not know how to be respectful to him and may cause him to want to leave.

Not all black men are like the examples you posted. You are speaking as well from a personal thing as well based on friends of your or maybe even gossip among you friends. See it’s very easy to put this blame on Black men.

However take a closer look into “what if this women is not right for him” BUT! they got into the bed way to early based on distractions. Who’s to blame there. Is it all on him, No! I would add.

So when you start by giving examples of a certain type of Black male, please address that kind only and not group all of us together like most are doing. Your voice and opinions matters to the mass.

We forget that when two responsible adults choose to sleep together. Right than before you enter her person or you allow your house to be entered – Do you know him well enough, or will she be a great mother to kids that may come from this moment, because mistakes do happen as we play the blame game.

Ok this is where we should focus on, Do we know whom we are mating with. was it someone we found attractive and just had to go to bed with them way to early on in the introduction bu sight only. Or did we think long and hard enough past “Lust”.

Lust is not all on men. When men and women tangle that dance naked it falls on both sides. And if we all were smart, we would not go there before getting to know who’s who and how do we compliment each other and can we become friends first and just maybe consider a relationship. Do we think during these early stages.

Or do we go on pointing fingers when things fall apart among us as black people. There are many examples out there of black women with personal issues that are never address are handle correctly due to not being real with self.

Am i ready to be with someone, who am I for starters, Do I love myself first in order to show real and understanding to another. See when or if we can view this from these angles we find out where these issues all start.

Where we smart enough to consider courting a friend first when met or was it something else eating away at us – Confusions of what love is, lust before thinking ahead. I mean this list can go on and on.
So when a women point a finger and say black men leave their families.

Please do not include the ones of zillions that you’ve never met before that do the right and correct things but find themselves with the wrong black woman to make a life with.

Real Talk! Because on day one or week two “The Naked Dance” starts who’s pointing fingers or should we just ignore this critical stages all together.

Yes we are attracted to interesting things out there. However when it comes to being responsible it’s on us black men and black women – do we think before we make critical moves that may or may not benefit our life in the long run.

My apology to you, However there’s more to all of this that you are not addressing as you attack the author that needs serious attention within our culture or even as people in general.

I pray you get what I am saying here and not close your ears to it. Lets get to the core of the issues and not the dust that settles on it.

From my heart, i apologize that maybe you or your close friends all has gone through situations like this. My deepest apology to you, That you feel that all Black Men are the same as your examples highlights in your post.

My apology that our paths never crossed in this life time so you could see “yes there are great examples out there of black men that has it together. And not all fall under that same blanket that most put them under based on half truths about the genders that are in difference about one another.

Peace

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Ty says:

November 27, 2011 at 11:01 am

Nojma-

Great to see this, However how do you reach most that are lost in the breakdown. Not caring at all about what and how you see things regarding what’s happened to our race. This issue, that thing that broke away our roots goes very deep from generations back.

I feel this is all positive, However this problem among us needs serious healing, before there’s no more us to even talk about.

The saying goes “The fruits do not fall far beyond the trees” comes to mind as I think about how selfish we’ve allowed our relationships to be considered as nothing or about fighting among one another until the court system becomes apart of our judgement and before you know it a system that dictates where we go from there. I’m speaking in general here based on so many kids that are in situations where the parents had to part due to what ever.

Just an observation based on the many situations out there.

See my point is, we’ve grown so far apart from generations to the next, so this I feel is part of the cause of separation from the heart and soul. Therefore the link that made us a strong union is smeared into nothing about each other because many just do not care anymore based on their own mixed emotions about how to even be with someone and show real love.

Love is about finding that friend in someone, courting them first. How many of us even do this anymore before we dance naked. I mean lets be real here.

Listen to the sounds in the wind, when your best friend and you are out and what attracts you to someone, men and women. do we see a possible friend first or are we attracted by the distractions out there, “oh man look at her nice,,, or Girl he looks like money. Ok when you stop and think about this. We all have stories to tell or may even know of friends who live this life.

So the apology should come from both side of this coin and as a black American male I thank you for yours from the core of my soul.

Again, not trying to be negative here, however just want to shed some light on some things that’s caused us to fall apart, the black man and black woman.

I should say this again, We owe an apology to each other for many things regarding who we are and what we’ve lost.

You’re the voice we’ve been waiting for. Because as the media choose to highlight this, we are apart. When a black woman speaks and say it from the soul, we listen and we hear you. Just like we heard our mothers voice for the first time at childbirth, you feel me.

God bless

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natalie says:

November 27, 2011 at 10:14 am

Unbelievable! The post was refresing in that this sista shared her message with black men in hopes of reconciliation… If it isnt a message u agree with then by all means post your own..but tgis was one of the few post that attempted to reconcile the current gender cinflicts in our community by turning her.back from the mirror, facing it and not engaging in the “blame game” as a result the thread began with positive exchanges between brothas an sistas..you have every right to post an opinion but geez…really?

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Lorraine Currelley says:

November 27, 2011 at 9:28 am

The author is sharing her personal experience. I choose to believe she is not attributing her personal experience to all Black women. If she is, she is in serious error. Black women have not traditionally judged Black men from a euro-centric standards & ideologies. If they have, like the author they are a minority.

It is Black woman who have worked diligently to keep the Black family united! It is Black women who have remained the sole parent in households with their children abandoned by Black men! It is Black women who inspite of White supremacy continue to fight for themselves and their families! Black women who continue to support, uplift and encourage Black men. Black women who have historically been the protectors of Black men from our oppressors! Black women who have championed and welcoemed the leadership of Black men!

I refuse to allow anyone male or female to trample further on Black women! A Black women choosing to educate herself and desire a better life for herself does not mean she is betraying Black men! Sister author speak for your experience, don’t attempt to drag others down wth your guilt!

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ebbie says:

November 26, 2011 at 1:17 am

when they apologize I will to…

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Common Sense says:

November 25, 2011 at 10:39 pm

Why can’t the black man catch up to his counterpart and get degrees too so he won’t feel slighted? I look at other race of men, there women are furthering themselves because their men pushed them to be where they are at… I find it a role reversal in the black American community. Granted a woman needs a man, and if you’re Christian and follow that doctrine, you will always put a man where he is supposed to be, and you as the support… but it is also said to seek out an equally yolked partner, if that includes education, then there is no excuse, lead by example.

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Kwein Aqila says:

November 25, 2011 at 9:50 pm

My momma says it’s because i’m so damn light-skinned, but I have been an advocate for Black men since I was a child. My beautiful Black Older Brother was murdered by his beautiful Black Best Friend (or so he thought) before he turned 21. I cried so hard, as a 12 year old little sister that no longer had a handsome Black Big Brother to take me to Coney Island and make over me like I was the only girl in his world, I cried because I lost 2 beautiful Black men. I cried when I saw my father, another beautiful Black man, cry because he had lost his only son. I cried when I saw the police officer, a beautiful Black Man, place the handcuffs on the beautiful Black man that was my brothers friend and murderer.

I decided, right then and there, that no matter what, I would spend my life protecting my Black Men. I forgave my Black father for his incest, because he was the victim of the Korean War and came back home with a drug problem. I forgave my Beautiful Black Godfather, who never had children because he contracted hepatitis and a ulcer while in the war. My Older very handsome Black Step-brother came back from Vietnam with a heroine habit that made him abusive to women, and I forgave him when he lost his beautiful family because of it. I forgave my son’s beautiful Black father, who somehow became confused about his sexuality after joining the marines because that was the only way he knew how to feed our son.

I forgave my first husband, who became addicted to heroine after being told to use it to stop the pain in his tooth until he could get to the dentist without any medical coverage. I never killed anyone’s child (Thank God) But I sure lost enough of them, because I didn’t know I had contracted a STD because my then handsome Black husband didn’t understand the importance of a Blackwomans womb. I never cheated. Because I watched my Beautiful Black father play with women and watched my gorgeously beautiful Black stepmother pretend she didn’t know. Actually, I watched all of the women of my family, the beautiful Black women of my family, pretend they did not see the flaws of their beautiful Black husbands. And they celebrated 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, AND 65 years of strong Black marriage. Not saying thats what I want to have to do. Just saying, I have had the Blackman’s back when he forgot that I was there. Yet, Here I STILL stand.

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William3rd says:

November 25, 2011 at 1:32 pm

As an smart black man almost 60 I have gone through so many stages of trying to be what the black woman want us to be I am truly weary. In the 70’s when I was a dog married and running the streets I was wrong. When I stopped and started pursuing my artistic talents I was told I’d rather compete with a woman than a piece of paper and told it was better when you just went to work and came home, in other words not pursuing higher goals (Divorce). The eighties you wanted independence , in other words you wanted to run everything. But when a brother steps back and lets you do that, now he aint doing enough( just said F### it and walked away).

Now I think although not married, 20 years together you think this one will be to the end althougth you killed my last baby even after I begged you not to( my own mother put her two cents in this as well), I lived with that.It is still not enough, that I stood in the background and pushed you toward your goals, believing eventually I’d renew mine. I tell you I need to go back home I am the eldest male of the family and I need to be there. (dissolved she’s down south , I’m up north and the same snow that she complained about they get now). Now there is a list of what I did not do, well if you don’t tell a man something is wrong he damn sure can’t fix it.This letter was refreshing at least one sister has taken the time and looked back to see what she has done to push black men away. I am really thinking about a change (a black man pushed to change)

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Nojma says:

November 25, 2011 at 1:14 pm

Thank you so much for your positive feedback and comments. I feel like a sincere apology, acknowledging our roles, and asking each other for forgiveness is the only way we can take steps to renew and rebuild black marriages. Our children will continue to suffer if we don’t lay a strong foundation for them to build upon.

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Gary C. says:

November 25, 2011 at 12:54 pm

I got emotional reading this. Sadly these sentiments are of the minority but I appreciate them any way. Glad you recognise the societal game white supremacy has played.

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Eleanie says:

November 25, 2011 at 10:27 am

Thank you from my 11 year old son. I thank you for writing this. I have been criticized from sisters for being so easy and so forgiving of black men. Why not? They have so much to deal with. I’m not saying that they are not at fault with some things. However, beating them over the head gets us nowhere. I also feel that the constant man bashing thing is old. Thank you for writing this.

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Darrick Herndon (Contributing Writer) says:

November 25, 2011 at 12:47 am

Great sentiment Sister. Now get out their and join the fight to free your men from bondage once again. Michelle Alexander is the light. The War on Drugs (us) must end.

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soon2bdocta says:

November 24, 2011 at 7:15 am

My sister, you are welcome. The mere fact that you stopped to reflect on our journey as Black Sisters and Brothers is a testament to your strength and understanding of our culture and our continued struggle! You are welcome because you recognize we are not nothing without each other!
I too am an educator and will share this with my classes and other teachers as we rekindle the conversation that has helped to keep our ancestors together together in spite of so that we could have a say so in how we as brothers and sisters could live our lives fully and live the lives we love…

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Clifton Richard says:

November 23, 2011 at 8:57 pm

THANK YOU:)

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Patsy says:

November 23, 2011 at 7:35 pm

Here is an e-mail that I sent to a brother who totally agreed with me:

I think that people can be really hard on Black men. We often hear that you are lazy, not ambitious and so on. The reality is it is difficult for you guys to make it and it can be even dangerous. My jaw dropped when I learned for instance that Mayor Mr. Booker received death threats in the past. Whether people are for Cain or not, it is not normal that four women are after him right now regarding sexual harrassment. The mainstream wants to portray him as a sex maniac (the same game that the press did with Tiger Wood) like it was done historically We all know that this would not have happened if Cain was a WASP! There is still too much hypocrisy and the society where we live make it very difficult for black men to succeed.

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natalie says:

November 23, 2011 at 5:22 pm

Sista I sincerely thank you and am completely with you on this one!

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Bro. James says:

November 23, 2011 at 2:52 pm

THANK YOU for your powerful words, as an Educator Middle school/High School Teacher I am encouraging all my students to Read this short letter. I need to encourage all our Black female and Black male Educators to read this as well. This is how we win the Revolution and stop our enemies from using Willie Lynch against us. THANK YOU for writing and sharing.

Your Brother and Servant of GOD
Bro. James E. Muhammad

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