(ThyBlackMan.com) What do you know about respect?
I can admit that I don’t understand the term like I thought I did. I’m not talking about Webster’s definition of the word. I’m talking about getting a clear understanding of the basic fundamentals of the word respect and what it means to respect someone.
I wish I could say that my driving desire to reconcile this idea of respect stems from some altruistic inner curiosity. Not the case. Fact is, I’m a divorced mother of two and I was married to a good man. While we were civil toward each other during our marriage, in 12 years, we never quite got around to being friends. I hadn’t attempted to understand the man that he was without 
looking at him through the goggles of his duties as a husband and father. When we split, my natural inclination was to blame him. I was encouraged by a barrage of R&B songs that upheld my belief that he probably was to blame. And I didn’t need him. After all, I could have ‘another him in a minute.’
As I turned the corner emotionally and got to a place where I could extend myself in love again, I sought God. “Hey, Lord. I want to remarry if it’s Your will. I need to get over this past marriage. Help me to forgive my ex for the myriad ways he wronged me. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”
I laugh now as I sit writing because I certainly had a pair on me, didn’t I? God answered. And quickly revealed to me a long list of shortcomings I’d had as a wife… and sister, and daughter, and mother, and friend. In the wife department, there was a basic need that I simply can’t ever remember meeting for my ex-husband and that’s this idea of respect.
Go deeper with me.
I’m not talking about cooking and holding my tongue in public. I’m not talking about the way our daughters looked or embarrassing him at church. What I’m talking about is seeing him. Knowing and understanding him, keeping who he was separate from what he did, what I expected, and even my past experiences with him. Ephesians 5 encourages wives to be respectful toward their husbands. I love the amplified translation in verse 33: “…and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband [that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him: and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly].
That’s beautiful! It’s powerful. It’s necessary. Despite how much I may earn or the letters that trail behind my name, at the core of who I am as a woman, the amplified translation succinctly captures what I want to say I provide for my husband.
Respect, from the Latin word respicere, meaning “to look at, regard or consider”
If you haven’t already, read Shaunti Feldhahn’s book For Women Only. I was stunned by the revelation I got on the importance of actively demonstrating respect toward my husband. I’d always thought that love and respect were one in the same. How can you have love without respect anyway?
As I learned more about the importance of showing respect, I simultaneously became aware that many black men were trying their best to perform daily responsibilities without ever feeling appreciated or respected at home or on the job. I didn’t read any studies. I didn’t do any research. All I did was engage black men in conversations. You’d be surprised how quickly they will reveal themselves to you if you just talk to them. The more black men I talked to, the more panic set in my heart as I began to realize that their need to feel respected was going unmet on a grand scale in the black community. It wasn’t just my ex who had gone without it. It was a lot of women’s exes.
Respect is non-negotiable. It really is. And respect usually has to be customized. What may be an adequate show of respect for one person may not serve the same purpose for another. I’ve had to repent for my inability to meet a basic need that my husband had. And I’ve told God honestly that if you give me another chance, I’ll dot, dot, dot (that part’s none of your business!).
I’ve apologized to my ex-husband and he is now one of my best friends. Privately, I’ve vowed to think the world of my father and speak the best of him – not at all difficult, as I’ve always been a daddy’s girl. But the same goes for my brothers and my current love interest. What a blessed man he’ll be if he gets to stick around.
That commitment to think the world of and speak the best of keeps me from approaching the men in my life maliciously. It keeps me from doing the girlfriend thing with my neck and having them talk to my hand. It keeps me in a position where I can clearly see who they are without having my attitude toward them influenced by the things they’ve done.
In short, it keeps them strong and that’s what best for everybody.
Staff Writer; Sorilbran Buckner
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