Black Man, Black Woman Where is the Love?

by Staff April 20, 2011 6 Comments News Opinion Relationships Sista Talk Weekly Columns

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(ThyBlackMan.com) As I sit here writing this article, it suddenly dawned on me that the beautiful concept and image of ‘Black Love’ appears to be fading away. It’s like ‘Black Love’ has just become another meaningless term from our past. Sometimes it seems like we now have the Black Man and Black Woman at war. Some would say there is no turning back from this trend. Think about it…images and examples of ‘hoochie mamas’ and thugs showing their negative and ignorant behavior appear on TV daily for all the world to see on shows like ‘Maury’ and others. And the sad truth is that it’s not only the non-black population that tunes in to this mess. Even worse, our own people gladly look forward to getting their ‘hood’ drama fix on these shows. All the while, the positive image of Black love and the Black family slowly becomes a distant memory.

That example alone makes me wonder, “How did this all come about?” When did the image and idea of black love get so twisted and negative? In our daily lives one can’t get far from brothers and sisters who routinely blast their own people…Yes—sisters uttering phrases like “I need a REAL man”; “Black men are dawgs”; “Deadbeat Dads”, etc. And on the other side, not to be outdon, brothers remark, “Sisters are gold diggers”; “They only want thugs” and even “Black women ain’t sh*t”! This divide and self-hate has our people looking for love in all the wrong places. It has us perpetuating these ugly stereotypes of each other and forgetting the beauty of Black Love. We need to change this conversation. On that note, starting with the women, I would like for my “sisters” to answer the following questions:

1. Are you literally mad at the black man? Why?

2. Do you feel we as men have abused thy queens, instead of uplifting you? How?

3. Can black love survive and thrive in the 21st century as we continue to melt into this multiracial pot?

4. How do we combat those negative images when it comes to our Love?

5. Name that brother who touched you soul deep… Yes showed his love with actions that spoke louder than words?

Ask yourselves and your fellow sisters these questions and discuss the answers. We men want to know what you think. What you feel. And don’t worry—we will ask similar questions to the brothers too. Finally, it’s important for me to state that although we talk about the decline in positive images of Black love, I still have faith and I still know that it exists. In closing, I want us all to remember that the majority of black men do indeed love and cherish their reflection —which in reality is YOU. Our sister… the AFRICAN QUEEN.

Owner/Webmaster; ThyBlackMan

Brotherhood at its best over at; ThyBlackMan.com.

6 Comments

Deeann D. Mathews says:

October 7, 2012 at 5:06 am

1. Not mad at Black Men in general, and find the concept strange. My grandfathers, uncles, and father did so much and sacrificed so much that it is not possible for me to be mad at Black men in general. Since my expectations have been set to find Black men caring and concerned, I have generally found that to be so. The flip side is that since my standards are set so high, I’ll tend to steer away from a brotha that just doesn’t have his act together early on. You don’t have to be mad at what you don’t have to deal with!

2. Complex question. I do know that there are some Black men that are taking advantage of the sistas financially, sexually, and every other way; I hear the stories and I see the aftermath. But I find it hard to make the broad statement… I just know too many good brothas who are holding it down for their families and their larger areas of responsibility.

3. Black love has survived the past 400 years, and it will continue to survive and thrive. It may not be as easy to find, but then again, all treasures take a little searching for…

4. We can combat negative images by not going to movies and otherwise taking in media made by people that have been portraying us as savages for 400 years. We can get about the business of doing things with one another for the betterment of the community — nothing increases respect and companionship like doing good things together. Among these works, we can create our own media to enjoy — we live in the age of the Internet and other high technology, so there really is no excuse to be poisoning ourselves through entertainment. We can challenge ourselves to help our friends who spread negative energy about their relationships by connecting them with resources that will help — and let them know, kindly but firmly, that we are not going to be the dumping ground for drama they aren’t taking steps to fix, nor for their bitterness. We can hold each other accountable for the attitudes we express about one another, and for making sure we are being the best we can be toward other.

5. The brotha I am thinking of is basically the Barack Obama of gospel music in my hometown, holding down a vast area of responsibility and influence on behalf of the total community. I had long admired him from a very respectful distance until I needed some big-time help, both professionally and in understanding the personal adjustments one has to make in dealing with big-time change. Sometimes one has to go straight to the top, so I found my courage and a time when he was between projects to introduce myself. I confessed that I was totally intimidated and felt uncomfortable even bothering him. He smiled gently, and said, “Don’t be, sister. I’ll do everything I can for you. Here is my number… ” He kept his word, even through a time of grief and suffering that came to him, and I came through my big changes on top because of the efforts and support of this powerful brotha! His continued encouragement and the occasional gentle command to keep working on some things I’d sometimes rather drop has given me confidence and fortitude to aim for far higher levels in many other aspects of my life — so, he not only touched my soul, but has spurred an “upgrade” in my life!

6. Yeah, I know there isn’t a sixth question, but I’ll just offer this for thought: this same brotha told me once, as I expressed my deep appreciation, “At least SOMEBODY appreciates me!” That hurt me SO bad… I knew he was stressing because of what he was going through, and getting pulled in all kinds of extra directions by equally stressed people, but I know the work he does on the regular for the community, and the fact is that he is often taken for granted. He rarely complains… but the hurt was there, waiting to burst out the moment one person broke the trend! It bothers me to think that there may be a lot of good brothas out there that hold a lot of stuff down but feel, when the chips are down, that nobody appreciates their efforts. One thing, therefore, might enhance Black love a great deal… we sistas can let the brothas know, as often as possible, that what they do for us and for the community is appreciated. That word love gets thrown around… but there are both words and deeds that can show appreciation, gratitude, and reciprocal concern. Even the most brilliant caring brothas need to know, apparently, so imagine how the good brothas whose gifts are less often recognized need our good words and actions!

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Brodie says:

June 26, 2011 at 4:03 pm

1. I don’t hate black men. I like them very much.

2. No. Honestly I don’t think so. What I do think is that women (us) take the actions of a few and project it onto the whole demographic. Outside of YouTube every black man I meet still holds the door, says “hello”, and has helped me out of snow banks. Maybe my city just has the best black men-GO CLEVELAND!

3. That depends on the premium we put on it. I place a very high premium on black couples, just like I do black businesses and neighborhoods. Nothing is wrong with IR couples and their kids but I’m not about to act their they’re a supplement or deserve the same premium (or distinction) as a black family to the black community.

4. Realize that “black” isn’t something that needs validation and stop asking other blacks to live for our insecurities. Some black men/women will never be happy with a black partner because it’s just not good enough.

5. One very successful man who was way out of my league. He was a client of my old employer and it was absolutely NO romantic resemblance. He owned (still does) a independent distribution company. He was attractive and smart but it was that fact that he was always nice to me. Bought me lunch, always gave me CDs and let me borrow movies, bought my turtle food, birthday gifts and wishes, and never passed up the opportunity to get my opinion on anything from his shirt to the real estate bubble. I respected him and aside from my father, this was the first time I had met a man that made me want to be a good friend and person. He is married last year and he sent me an invitation along with a $100 gift card to Petsmart.

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Giosincere says:

April 25, 2011 at 11:51 am

As a black woman who loves black men and black people, I can not say I am mad at the black man but mad at us as a people. We’re lazy and don’t want to weather the storm. We want relationships to be easy. I go to the ends of the earth for the black man. I will not give up on him because he has not given up on me. Those on tv do not represent us all. Some of us are fighting for our love. Interracial dating is cool and all that, but again, I love my people.

2. We both have abused one another. We all need to take responsibility. To validate that we have abused one another, we can look to oral stories and books written by our people, where our men were taken away in slavery, and our women raped by the white man. and when the black man wanted to protect his woman he will be physically abused or killed and vice versa. We have held on to the mind set, we seen by our masters of abuse, time to change the cycle.

3.Yes we czn thrive as long as we strive and stride in the 21st century. I am a champion until the end of time for black love. Join me in the fight.

4.We can combat the current view of us by changing the picture and being examples of black love and black love is not just between lovers, it’s how we treat each other as a whole. Black man love black woman-your sister, mother, co-worker, daughter, niece, aunt, grand-mother, etc. Black woman love black man-your father, grand-father, co-worker, friend, lover, uncle, brother, nephew, etc.

5.Don’t know what love you’re speaking about but I’ve felt deep love from my brother, a black brother and the last two relationships although I am not currently in them, in retrospect, they loved deeply in the seen and unseen world.

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Katrina says:

April 22, 2011 at 11:56 am

I agree with Ms. Sheila as well. I do believe that Black Love is still very much alive, but the degree to which we embrace and recognize it can be affected by the various images we hear and see on a daily basis. To answer the questions above:

1. I am not mad at Black men. Many of the professional Black women I know aren’t. We share the same sentiment in that we are hurting. Rarely do we see positive images of Black women, nor do we see images of Black Love on television or in movies. It is assumed that we are no longer the object of desire for Black men.

2. I do not feel Black men have abused Black women, but I also do not feel that we are uplifted either. I think Black women feel as though we are constantly being bombarded with negative images and stereotypes, and nothing is being said or done to help us combat them. Instead, it seems as though some Black men choose to perpetuate these stereotypes. For example, google “Black Men” or “Black Women,” and what will you get? The two N’s: Negativity and Nonsense.

To be fair, I must also say that some Black women must stop stereotyping and demonizing Black men. This question can be posed to both groups, as there are some Black men and Black women who go about their days simply bashing their counterparts, whether it’s at the salon or barbershop, or via the web. It is truly sad.

3. I do believe it is possible for Black Love to survive. I’m not exactly sure why we have to ask ourselves why don’t some of us date or marry outside of our race. Contrary to certain stereotypes, as a Black woman, I have nothing against interracial dating or marriage. I believe when love is genuine and sincere, it is a powerful thing regardless of who you are. However, I also believe when one finds love, comfort, and happiness with someone within their race, it is also beautiful, and a preference or choice that the individual has the right to make. We are simply walking in circles when we focus on interracial dating/marriage, instead of focusing on our own personal relationships and how we can build successful, long-lasting ones. Our focus must shift.

If we want Black Love to last, we must begin open and honest communication. We must stop perpetuating the myths and stereotypes we find in the media. We must talk. We must be open and honest, and we must learn how to trust.

4. The only way to combat negative images is for African Americans to start producing positive ones. If you’re like me, looking for new books and articles on the web about Black History and/or Black Love, and you find negative sites and blogs instead, then create your own site or blog. Blogging is powerful. It is the compilation of thoughts from an author that can emotionally engage the reader. We must find ways to keep ourselves strong and encouraged. Simply stated, we must get up and do something.

5. Without being biased, I can honestly say that I have not met a brother who touched my soul deeply. I am a young, 24 year old professional woman, so I am hoping this will change. I do remember one man I did love, but that love was not reciprocated in any form. No, I do not put all Black men in the “no good” category because of this one man’s actions. I will however take half of the blame because I could have made a better choice. The beautiful thing about life is that you live and learn. I’ve learned from my mistakes. I’ve learned that all Black men aren’t like that. I’ve learned to let the past go. So when the time comes, I can appreciate and respect a good man for all he’s worth.

In short, the best thing we can do to see Black Love flourish is to take care of ourselves, our relationships, and communities. Black Love has lasted tests and trials before, what makes this any different?

Peace and Love to all,

Katrina

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Daphne says:

April 20, 2011 at 6:39 pm

I agree with Ms. Sheila Black love is indeed out there. I’ve seen my parents love each other despite their struggles up to the death of my father. She’s still showing her love for him. It’s just up to us to teach the next generation about black love and show it.

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sheila brown says:

April 20, 2011 at 4:31 pm

Black love is alive and well I watched my parents love each other for 47 years so I know it is out there we just need to learn to respect and appreciate each other.

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