Friday, February 22, 2019

Veronica Young; We Have Cougars, But What Do We Call Old Men With Young Girls?

August 20, 2011 by  
Filed under Misc., News, Opinion, Relationships, Sista Talk, Weekly Columns

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( Reading a recent article by Dr. Boyce Watkins on R-Kelly as Grand Marshal of a child’s parade warranted a deeper look into the issue of older men dating young girls. ( Article here (—— )

Picture this:
A young African American girl, heavy set, tight leggings and a tank top, heavily perfumed at the bus stop and mentioning under small talk that she was traveling to meet a “friend.” We got on the bus, I sat down a row behind her   and quickly observed the interaction between her and her “friend.”
A considerably older man who sat in the front seat of the bus, his armed draped over the back, inconspicuously looking up and coyly addressing her, whispering for her to sit next to him. She smiled awkwardly and refused, opting for the seat just behind him. He turned to speak to her from time to time, periodically asking if she was okay and if she was hungry. I watched for their interactions and reactions, and the reactions of the people on the bus, and wondered if they too, thought their relationship was a little suspicious. They got off the bus together, heading somewhere, in the same direction and wondered what would happen with them next.
Innocent right?
Ok, picture this:
A Washington D.C. man recently pleads guilty to premeditated murder for fatally stabbing his teenage daughter and dumping her body in a trash bin after authorities discovered the incestuous relationship he was having with her. When the authorities questioned the man about her murder, and asked if his “DNA would be on [her]” the man wasn’t sure how to respond. When her body was later tested, his semen was in fact found in her, and had been for at least three days. He later admitted that he did have sex with his daughter on “several occasions” and a day or two before he killed her.
The first scenario wouldn’t necessarily evoke any sense of urgency, right? If I told someone about that situation, they’d probably look at me as if I were crazy, for even letting my mind go to that place, believing that something like that could even possibly go on. They’d turn a blind eye and say, “Oh,that’s probably her ‘uncle,’” “someone she knows,” “if she’s legal, she can do what she wants,” or something similar. But turning a blind eye, and not questioning those very things is exactly what could play out in the latter scenario. And it’s then that everyone would ask, “Why didn’t anyone do or say anything? Weren’t there signs?”
This post isn’t to condemn Kelly, Hefner or Diddy, I’m not in their bedrooms, but rather draw your attention to the trend of older men and considerably younger girls. The cougar phenomenon gets glorified and isn’t particularly troubling, even a bit humorous when we see it under light. In fact, I was talking to my younger sister about this very issue who was telling me about a tweet she saw from Quest Love regarding Madonna. He said something to the effect: “Madonna is 53.  Her dude was 1 when Like A Prayer came out,” and when you click on the link, it takes you to a picture of a cougar.
I’m no psychologist and I can’t pinpoint why the attraction in dating individuals under huge age gaps, but I really don’t need to be in order to tell you that something is off. Clearly, these individuals are seeking validation. For these young girls, they’re wanting a boost of self-esteem, perhaps fulfilling the void of an absent father and perpetuating the idea that to get attention, is to do it sexually. And a male’s reasoning can’t be too far removed. I mean seriously, do these men really believe that a young girl would truly be interested in them?
We can not turn a blind eye to behavior such as this.
We need to develop an urgency to protect and to question without fear. Better to question to find out you may be wrong, then to not question at all, to find out it’s too late.
What do you think?
Staff Writer; Veronica Young
For more Business Tips, and yes Empowering articles check out; Veronica Inspires.
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9 Responses to “Veronica Young; We Have Cougars, But What Do We Call Old Men With Young Girls?”
  1. Grace Snythe says:

    I know what you call any older man with a younger woman… RICH

  2. Steph says:


    I think it is sooo powerful the words you used: prey and chattel. I have been sexually assaulted by at least five White men so, I could not agree more especially when we know how historically our great grandmothers and so on were treated by them. I can totally relate!

  3. Steph says:


    Your point is interesting. I am from the Generation X. Since I was 18, I attracted men much older than me and never dated them because of that. I always stayed in my age group. However, now I realise that maybe the best thing for me is to date men much older because the men of my age group are still too immature and I feel like I have to be their mothers!

  4. Philly says:

    i dated a man in his 40″s with a bald spot when i was young and in my 20s and i wish i never wasted my time with an old man. i should have dated men my age, now men in thier 20s are too young for me.

  5. planetofsong says:

    Once again, often on this site, this article is ALL over the Place, without any clear direction.

    Let’s begin with the ‘cougar’ assumption, which is older women dating/’preying on?’ younger men, of legal age. Not much further discussion necessary since it’s just an age old turn around that has happened with women gaining independence, finances and possibilities DUE to those ‘Finances’. These young men get gifts and sex and when it’s over get cut loose on the world with experience. Hardly, if ever found in a dumpster.

    Now we look to the age old scenario of older men dating/’preying on’? younger women of legal age due to finances and possibilities, for which many of these girls end up victimized, brutalized, turned out or dead in a dumpster.

    Economic disparity and education of boys and girls has a lot to do with the outcomes of the two scenarios. Also, who really has the upper hand and moral vacancy comes clear.

    Many men see women as prey and chattel. As a woman, I have been ‘prey’ my entire life, just walking down the street, on a bus on any given day. This is something Most men do not comprehend, because they are pseudo sexual predators, even if non violently or allegedly with no mal intent.

    AS Too-See Something say Something, (the above article), you cannot really intrude on the private lives of others, unless in the extreme, because the things YOU see may be through Your filters. This is how I would have dealt with the scenario if I felt the man was a threat to a young woman-
    Sit next to the girl. Ask her if she is in need of help, or is hungry, or needs a hand in any way.

    Known as cockblocking. Another human being in the way of a predator man immediately reduces his influence 1 thousand fold. She see’s there are good people out there and reduces her vulnerability to danger immediately and get’s her mental state on track.

    It’s easy to complain and do nothing, much harder to put yourself on the line.

  6. Thanks too Dell for your comment. We chatted on Facebook…

  7. Thanks K. Sam for your comment. I did fail to provide context for the father having an incestuous relationship with his daughter which is this: classmates of the young girl overheard the girl talking to her “father” over the phone from time to time and thought that he was her boyfriend by the way in which her conversations would go, and the way he would show up at the school and bring her money for lunch, clothes, sneakers and such.

    Further, the young girl’s sisters never discerned anything unusual was happening between the two (father and daughter) and didn’t think anything strange or supicious until the girl’s body was discovered in a trash bin.

    I think the R. Kelly, the Hefner and the Diddy scenarios where you have older men and young women are examples that can easily get convoluted. Lets be clear, not every man has the mental capicities and wherewithal to pursue relationships of this kind with common sense. No one talks about men masturbating in their rooms alone to images of young girls or the many young girl porn sites there are… And if these are the images projected unto the world, they can easily cause problems.

  8. K. Sam says:

    The title of this article took me by surprise. I’ve been asking this same question for some time now, however, I was expecting to hear about the double standards of an older gentleman dating a younger lady versus the cougar scenario. The anecdote of (1.) a father (2.) molesting his own daughter, has very little to do with the title of this piece. I’m a bit thrown off by the direction of the writer. Molestation & Incest is a far cry from two individuals of a large age gap dating one another.

    I’m 25 and my fiance is in his late 30’s, there are many variables to consider, including different age ranges. If someone my age was dating a gentleman whose in their 50’s or so… my question is… how does this tie into a crime? Lets not forget that when we mention The Cougar, this is a an older woman dating a young man, not a boy. If you were to position the article on how young and immature the young girl or lady on the bus was, it would cause us to think along the lines of her safety. This article mentions:

    Older Men

  9. Dell Gines says:

    Interesting, but I think your analysis is somewhat short sighted. You are starting from the premise that attraction is equal between sexes. This is simply not the case. Both evolutionary and non-evolutionary theories of attraction indicate that women value stability as a preference over appearance, and men value appearance as the primary feature of attraction. Now obviously this is not always the case as there are outliers in every scenario but as a general rule this is true. This is why it is more likely to see a older male with a younger female than in the cougar scenario.

    Secondly, I think a very, very, clear distinction needs to be made between an old man with an ILLEGALLY underaged female, and one that is of legal age. Although R Kelly was (in the court of law) not convicted of being with a 14 year old let’s say that it did indeed happen in real life. That would be a big big difference from a Jerry Seinfield or a Hugh Hefner who dated a women of legal age.

    There has been outstanding research done at okcupid analayzing the data on attraction preferences of men versus women and it focuses on this same theme. Collectively men retain attractiveness (according to studies) longer than women. With what are called different peak of attractiveness points. Women peak at a younger age, men peak at an older age. This also contributes to the perception of attraction relative to each sex. Here is the link to the study titled “The Case for an Older Woman”

    Great thought provoking article though I think it is a timely conversation.

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