(ThyBlackMan.com) Marriage doesn’t work automatically. It takes work. At the same time, there comes a point when it becomes more work than it’s worth. Fortunately, it doesn’t have to end. Here are some of the behaviors that contribute to the destruction of a marriage over time.
Self-Sacrifice and Deception
Most people believe altruism and self-sacrifice is necessary in a relationship. But, look at the relationships you know where someone isn’t getting their own needs met. Those people are always unhappy, even if they’re not ready to admit it to themselves yet.
When you sacrifice your own wants and needs in a relationship, you’re giving up something you value for something that is a lesser or non-value to you. Your spouse should never shame you into doing this, or even ask or prod you to do so.
And, it’s a bad idea to do this to a spouse. It will only foster resentment.
Self-deception is another bad behavior that destroys marriages. When you tell yourself that certain behaviors in your spouse, or that your own behaviors, aren’t harmful to the relationship when they are, you’re creating a future argument and possibly sowing the seeds of divorce.
Excessive Fighting, and Escalation
Disagreements are totally normal, but they shouldn’t take over your relationship. They also shouldn’t be explosive or frequent. If you are having more than a few arguments or negative experiences in any given week, something is wrong. Really, you shouldn’t be able to vividly remember a bad experience.
Explosive arguments are also a bad sign. When you have a disagreement, shouting and screaming at the other person is not communicating. It’s a violent sort of action. It’s not a meaningful way to show the person that you still love them, even when you 
disagree with them. And, it is disrespectful.
Negativity and Criticism
Negativity and criticism (when unjustified) will make having a loving relationship with your spouse difficult or impossible. When you are nothing but negative, or when your spouse shows nothing but negativity toward you, the relationship is on the brink of failure.
Criticism isn’t always bad, but it can be incredibly hurtful and unproductive if it’s not geared toward being constructive. No one is perfect, and so criticism is often needed in a relationship – especially when the other person asks for it. At the same time, that criticism should focus on the good things in your spouse and how to make them better.
It shouldn’t become you or your spouse nagging one another.
Infidelity
Attorneys, like Foster LLP, deal with a lot of spouses who are battling infidelity. While this should never happen, the reality is that it does. According to some research, between 25 and 70 percent of women, and between 40 and 80 percent of men, have cheated on a spouse at least once in their lifetime.
This is obviously bad behavior, and something that would end a marriage almost immediately. While some people find a way to reconcile, the relationship is never the same after the experience.
Poor Communication
Poor communication leads to all sorts of disagreements, mostly about money, how to raise children, and sex (frequency). Communication skills also help to reduce the frequency and severity of arguments. When you know how to communicate your needs and wants, how to use reason and logic, and how to be sensitive to your spouse’s emotions, you’re actively working towards a stronger relationship, not a weaker one.
And, good communication almost always means that you’re treating your spouse fairly, that you don’t view the relationship as adversarial or competitive, and that you’re still on your partner’s side, even when you don’t agree on some issue.
Evasion and Avoidance
Most people are afraid of confrontation or they simply don’t like the way it makes them feel. So, they avoid or evade it. But, this is almost never a good idea. Sure, you may need time to “blow off steam” before you address an issue. But, you should never avoid confrontation as such.
If you have a disagreement, or an argument, with your spouse, it’s best to address it head-on. Disagreements are always indicative of some difference of opinion, or some differing viewpoint on a particular matter.
But, avoiding it doesn’t make it go away. In fact, it could make it worse later on. We never think about the issue resurfacing, but it often does in the form of resentment or another direct argument. By sitting down with your spouse, and having a calm, civil, discussion about your differences, you make the relationship stronger. Do this enough, and you create an unbreakable bond.
Staff Writer; Todd Poole
