Loving Our Women.

by Staff August 7, 2012 15 Comments Brother Talk News Opinion Relationships Weekly Columns

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(ThyBlackMan.com) Black men we got to do better by our women! Bitch this, hoe that, is all that I hear when it comes to our music, our movies, and our everyday feelings towards our women, and I am just about sick of it. Yes I came up listening to hardcore gangster music, and I thought it was cool and no big deal, but after I grew up a little and got married, I can barely stand those harsh words being directed our women. Our women have been through enough dealing with our crazy behinds, let’s not turn around and call them out of their names. Would you want someone to refer to your Mother, daughter, sister, aunts, and cousins this way? I would think the answer would be no, but with this generation, it might not matter to some of you.

I was raised to never disrespect a woman this way, be it black or white, but I be dam if I dog my sista in any kind of way. I don’t care if she is standing on the corner with a sign that says “I’m a Hoe”, I am going to address her by her name. See in my short years on this earth, I have learned that most women follow us men, be it a good or bad man. If you find a women full of attitude and hurt, you can just about figure out where it came from… a man. It could have been her absent father, abusive boyfriend, or her sick child molesting step-father. Why would I walk into her life calling her a bitch or a hoe on top of whatever she has been subjected to in her past? I listen to all types of music, and I don’t hear white boys talking about their women like they are some dogs on the street, but turn on the radio and see what you hear from us. I have not heard of any other race of men disrespecting their women like we do.

We talk about freaking this one, that one, and hold up… don’t let the baby come, she’s such a bitch now right! As a black man, it’s our job to lift our women up, put them on pedestals, and let them know that they are worth more than what that last dude showed them they are. There is nothing like a black woman, because the average black woman that loves her man will stick with that fool to the end. There is no bouncing and leaving him for no amount of money, you know why, because she was with his broke ass from the start.

If you got a baby mama (I hate that word) and you do not love her enough to be with her, you still treat that woman with respect. She is not a bitch, she is not a hoe, she is not a jump off, the only thing she was, is stupid for allowing herself to get pregnant by your trifling ass. If she was fine to you when you met her, she is still fine after, maybe you need to look at yourself. Maybe she is not fine to you anymore because you could not get away with your B.S.

Wake up black man, and see that when you show a black woman love, you get love back two times harder. I know black women that are dedicated to men that are currently walking all over them, you cannot even pull them away, and you cannot even imagine the pain that they go through. We men could not even stomach the things that women deal with when it comes to us. I heard some brothers talking about a sister that had multiple kids with multiple men, and they are standing there with multiple children with multiple women, and I bet you that they told all of them that they loved them before that baby came.

Fella’s we are the cause of the attitude, funny acts, and temper that we get back. You might not have created this with your woman, or whoever, but someone did. Start loving our Black Women, I don’t care where she is at in life, where she came from, how many kids she got, just show them some love, the same love that you would want, and you will be blessed for it. To my Sista’s, I love all of yall, and it’s like 2pac said, “Keep ya head up”.

Staff Writer; Kataurus Braswell

This brother is founder of Black Convo Media Group LLC, a group of website’s dedicated to African Americans. He is also a freelance writer, music producer, and blogger.

Can also connect via Facebook BCMedia and Twitter; BlackConvo.

15 Comments

Terrell says:

July 6, 2013 at 10:40 pm

Women are just sneaky, I’m married to one and she has made me reliize that I would have rather been single. Women are just to complicated to get this serious with, they think there smarter its just most men focus on what’s important an Madonna said it best, ( girls just wanna have fun) while men ficus on more serious issues.

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Ramses says:

December 31, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Natale’s post says it all….we have this nostalgic notion of “black love.” We actually try to make love into a racial concept!!!! How silly we are as men and women and quite frankly, very childish. No one owes black people anything, including black women. This notion of “The Strong Black WOman” who does no wrong is the very reason why black women are not changing their behavior. Why do we as Men have to wait for black women to get into their forties before they realize marriage is an option? If black women are so perfect, why are they the only women on tv asking the question “why we can’t find husbands?” Black women can find men to haphazardly give their wombs to, but there aren’t any viable Men out here to marry? That’s false because these same brothers get with other women and marry. So that’s a falsehood. Black women are their own worse enemy. Most black women don’t even like other black women and have been saying it for years. I’ve seen articles where they try to encourage black women to get along. Black women are selfish in general, and this is why men are not committing to them. They wear black fingernail polish and wear these weaves that make them look like witches and the shit is frankly disgusting. All of a sudden you hear black women on these blogs talking about “we” as black men and women need to come together, as if Black Men have not been trying. What planet are these black females on? Oh. I know. It’s called planet Black Woman. A place where no one else is welcomed but her. The same females I see not respecting men, wil get with a dyke female and completely submit to her!!! Let them slap em in the face and call em all types of bitches, but will call the police on a Man who does the same thing when a lot of times he’s saying it because she’s disrespecting his Manhood. This dude, like many other black men keep this crap going on. Black women act like they don’t hurt men. Keep thinking that if you want. A female pastor friend of mine said this guy who was interested in her when she was in her twenties told her years later that she teased him. She even admitted to me that she used to sleep in the bed with him naked with the expectation he wouldn’t touch her!!!! What kind of women do this type of shit? She even admitted she was wrong for doing this. When me and this same woman got into it one day, I checked her. I’m 34 and she’s 48. She later told me that she respected me for putting her in her place. And this is not a weak chick at all. She’s from Texas and I respect these females. Whether Black Men realize it or not, women like these respect men who will put them in their place. Black men who apologize for black women’s demonic behavior ususally are the ones who get their asses whipped by them. Trust me, been there at one point. I don’t care if your father wasn’t there. I didn’t create you. All I care about is are you mentally and spiritually mature enough to be in a committed relationship? That’s all that matters. All these other excuses (like absent fathers and past relationships in which you chose to be with weak men) are not my concern. Black men think they have to take bullets for black women when these same women make stupid choices in terms of choosing men based on the teaching their mothers gave them, in which their mothers taught them to prostitute themselves to men instead of how to love them. A mother, if she truly loves her daughter, will teach her daughter how to love men, being this is the only way to coexist with a Man (boys need nannies). Why do you’ll think you see so many mothers, daughters, and granddaughters with each other, but no Man? Pay attention when you go to Wal Mart or Target, or grocery stores, and notice how you see these females who are lonely, or are gonna be lonely specifically the mothers were hoes, got pregnant as hoes (instead of wives), had daughters who became hoes at 15, and by the time they reach their thirties, they had 15 year old daughters who repeat the same generational curse. I would take it even a step further. If it wasn’t for the big asses and sexual escapades, would these same dudes defend black women like this? Outside of booty and sex, what do black women offer black men in terms of a quality of life? Do they offer you the prospect of family? No (unless you want a broken one). If you have children with them, even if you want to marry them and have a family, you’re more than likely to find yourself in court at War with them. Do they embrace your manhood? Hell NO!!! If anything, they try to take it away. Are they civilized in general? Come on now. That’s an emphatic NO!!!! Black women and their sense of entitlement will run continuously them into the ground. Black women think that black men are their toys and don’t realize they have made themselves toys. Black men are wising up to the game that black women have been doing. Black women are really silly thinking that they are high and mighty because things look very bleak for them long term. Every black woman, as a single individual will have to compete for Men like they are now. However, because women are so promiscuous and loose, they are having fun. But after the party is over, and you have no Man or family, where will that leave you? EIther a dyke, Cougar, or porn star. The only thing worse than a young hoe is an old hoe. Many black women in my generation have fucked themselves into relationship oblivion and will never return from this abyss. I am not responsible for black women and their hoish ways nor is any other men. They are fucking adults. And as adults you dwell in the environments that your mind take you too. Black women want to strip? It’s because they want to exhibit hoe behavior. If they wanted marriage, then they would exhibit the behavior that would ensure them that they can reach marriage. It’s called nature. Nature forces you to compete or die and it seems black women want death because most of them, in terms of their behavior, choose decadent ways of existence. I think their are very beautiful black women physically. But this beauty is not matched by inner beauty most of the times. Most black women have nasty arrogant attitudes period. And they know this. The fact you can have a female come in church, who has slept with 50 dudes, and expect marriage is the height of arrogance. We are not in the age of Pisces anymore (belief). We are in the age of Aquarius (knowing). You can believe what you want. But you better know what information you’re operating off of is truth. Belief is dangerous, but truth is not. It’s necessary to be able to move forward. There are many black women out here who will have a hard time finding marriage with any men, including black men. And this is not based on people hating black women. It’s based on theirs negative behaviors as indiviual black women. Relationships are individual excursions. Stop making excuses for them because they damn sure don’t give you the benefit of the doubt when they treat you like shit, but some dudes are infatuated with getting abused by black women (sadomasochist relationships). Good luck with that

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Dw says:

December 31, 2012 at 11:51 am

How can you love a group of women that don’t love themselves? How can you love a group of women that is out for your destruction? If not to you physically, emotionally but through the government and police. I am sorry, but i can’t agree with this article, because countless of times good black men always get the short end of the stick for losers aka thugs of the community. The black women today are not the kind of black women that are from my mothers generation. These black women today ……… To much self hatred amongst them and 80% of them don’t even know their own history like seriously man? I think a lot of brothers today really just don’t have the time and patients for black women and their lack of respect towards black men in general anymore. This article is 10 years too late because alot of brothers such as myself have already moved on to who treats the other with respect and dignity. Everyday i get the most evil nasty stares from who? black women and only black women. Its 2012 going to 2013 and in honestly, i can’t roll with them. smh

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TxSoulNorthernState says:

November 14, 2012 at 3:45 pm

I love this article.. we both men and women need to do better at showing one another respect.. instead of starting with the “They need to do better” it should be We need to do better..

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Needa says:

November 9, 2012 at 8:12 pm

I dont speak like this nor do I spend time with folks that do. Engage in decent, adult conversation. Immerse yourself with soulful sounds, especially jazz and these nuances will not a part of your life. Surround yourself with positive and positive things will come your way. Flood your home with vulgar music, hard core parties and filthy-mouthed company…and your children will turn out the same way. Yeah, you may have sent them upstairs but they know…trust me…..they know. Too easy.

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edmond says:

October 3, 2012 at 8:20 am

to me, the problem is that black women have a sense of entitlement when it comes to black men. if black women dont start TREATING US BETTER, they are the ones really missing out. black women need to realize that black men dont BELONG to them. this aint the 60’s, and im not dating a women just because we are both black. if a women of another race treats me better, im rollin wit her.

maybe if black women were able to GIVE as much respect as they REQUIRE, black men wouldnt treat them so bad

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Moms says:

August 26, 2012 at 2:19 pm

@Natalie. Fantastic response.

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J Realist says:

August 9, 2012 at 10:57 am

Most of our women do not love themselves. Our women perm their hair, put on fake nails, and open their legs for marriage. How can you love and respect that? From the black video girl to the countless number of “Youtube twerkers” I’ll say that they have a ways to go. I am not saying that brothers do not have work to do; however, the topic is on loving our women. I just saying: Love Yourself First!

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King Braswell says:

August 8, 2012 at 10:10 pm

I know what impact slavery as had on us, don’t get me wrong, but at some point we are going to have to break those chains. I mean, yeah we have learned the ways of the master, but now what? We can’t keep acting like fools because we were once enslaved! I am around black males of all ages every single day, and this is the talk I hear, we have to take responsibility for our own actions. This is not the way we should be talking about women. So what, white men do it, just as well as all other, but I do not see it done so proudly as it is within our culture. Now if there is another culture that degrades their women in the way that we do, just point me in the right direction. If Im wrong, Im wrong, I have no problem with that. Im just a black man expressing my feelings! ONE

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King Braswell says:

August 8, 2012 at 9:59 pm

@Vladimir, I know that other races disrespect women brother, but what I am saying is that the disrespect towards our women are plastered all over music videos, and our music. I don’t really care about other races to a certain extent, Im dealing with how we deal with our women, and we can do better.

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vladimir says:

August 8, 2012 at 7:26 pm

I started to like your point until the author got to the “we’re the only race to do that to our own women” line. What? My ancestors never used the word “bitch” and “hoe” either because they are ENGLISH words taught to us by a culture not native to ours. Did we forget where the word motherf@#ker came from? Where the slave owners discovered certain black women were producing certain men that either for the field or house at their discretion and forced said men to sire more children by sleeping with their mothers? That’s how they do cattle and other livestock. And THEN they get the traumatizing title on top of it all? And the author adds “white boys talking about their women like they are some dogs on the street, but turn on the radio and see what you hear from us.” What rock is the author living under? ALL races are guilty at some point of disrespecting the other gender and often with the exact same words. Look, I feel the author’s pain and yes those words should be abolished from our everyday vocabulary. But fingers shouldn’t be pointed at black men and women like we brought that dysfunctional mess from Africa.

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Terrance Amen says:

August 8, 2012 at 9:35 am

Some how integrating into the white world during the mid sixties, made us forget the strong values and principals we once had. Now following behind whites and their women’s movement, with the creation of the birth control pill, we really have let go. So the next step is to not even use protection. We could stop all this illegitimacy if we start to respect the gifts that we are blessed with. The Black woman’s body is sacred where life comes from. The Black man is blessed with the ability to help create life. Instead we run around and act like the names we call each other, for thirty minutes of pleasure. If it doesn’t workout, we can always kill our babies, or run away from our responsibilities. The bottom line, it takes two to tango. Woman need to hold themselves up to a higher standard, like they used to. This will intern make the men to do the same. Men need to respect the woman and not only think of them as a sex tool to use and throw away. We need to build our community again, where we looked out for each other and protected one another. This can only be done through unity and the re-education of our minds. This is real love for each other.

Black Unity means financial independence and happiness

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Bitter says:

August 8, 2012 at 7:51 am

Yawn. Niggers.

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natalie says:

August 7, 2012 at 9:05 pm

Sorry for being all over the place. Basically we have many contradictory messages being communicated to us. Our men and women are responding in ways that that are reflective of these ever evolving contradictory messages.

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natalie says:

August 7, 2012 at 9:00 pm

“If you got a baby mama (I hate that word) and you do not love her enough to be with her, you still treat that woman with respect. She is not a bitch, she is not a hoe, she is not a jump off, the only thing she was, is stupid for allowing herself to get pregnant by your trifling ass. If she was fine to you when you met her, she is still fine after, maybe you need to look at yourself. Maybe she is not fine to you anymore because you could not get away with your B.S. ”

King respectfully I disagree,

As I read your post I thought of the gentleman that was recently released from prison after his false accuser ( a sista) admitted to lying. I thought to myself about some of the choice words that I imagine he may have initially had for this woman. I may not have agreed with his personal disrespect of this woman should he have chosen to go that route, but I certainly would have understood. His story is not unique to me in that I have worked for years with men that make up a suicide rate that is 5x that of women due to societys tendency to dismiss and minimize their experiences.

This post continues with the same antiquated message that has contributed to the problem for decades. We shifted towards a paradigm that emphasizes accountability for men, while extending them little compassion, of course this is ruthless and it is an example of respecting our men but not necessarily loving them. With women limitless compassion was extended us while the emphasis on accountability has been minimal at best, of course this is infantilizing and it is loving us but not respecting us when “grown men” defend the indefensible or honor the dishonorable. I have worked in community mental health for decades and I have heard the stories behind the statistics that reveal bi-directional pain while only one biological demographic (women) receives the extension of the healing (from church, chivalrous men, the government, etc). What we are witnessing now are the years of neglect and minimizing the experiences of our men and boys. There are some that will channel it and engage in grassroots activism that will be critical to the changes we desire to see in our community and there are those whose pain will manifest itself in ways that we see played out on Chicago’s southside weekend after weekend. The social contract has been broken and trust me, men and WOMEN are both responsible for this one!

Several months ago I sat with a female client in my practice discussing news of her recent pregnancy. This client expressed high levels of anger and frustration regarding the behavior of the man alleged to be the childs father. You see this gentleman had ended his relationship with this woman months prior and upon notice of him being the prospective father of this womans child he emphatically expressed no desire to be a part of this experience. The clients predictable response was, “ He just needs to man up, and take care of responsibility.” She would express further sentiments that were very telling on many levels.

As we explored possible reasons for this particular reaction from this gentleman, it had been conveniently left out in prior conversation that he was a married man that shed known for two weeks. This client had pressed for an “urgent” session in hopes that I would join the chorus of women in her life that had extended her compassion without any emphasis on accountability for her role in this current situation. The woman stated, “ a) we both knew he was married b) the condom must have had a hole in it c) he’s acting like a wimp d) he doesn’t have to be apart of it BUT he’s gonna pay.” This woman communicated thinking errors typical of many of the adolescents that I have worked with in that she engaged in the blaming others and minimizing her role and the impact of her behavior. Additionally when speaking of this gentleman’s possible feelings (in his absence from the session), there were a lot of assumptions made about his feelings. She also communicated limits to her capacity for perspective taking. This woman’s anger and frustration was rooted in her low frustration tolerance where she holds expectations as demands and when the demands are not met…Watch out! We have the power to not bring children into the world under these circumstances

I have seen this with most of my unwed clients that were mothers when engaged in discussions about the current epidemic of illegitimacy in our community. I am reminded of a client years ago in a similar such situation. When this child, now 21 years of age was finally able to meet her biological father and was presented with “the other side” of the story, the outcome was very interesting. This woman married herself now with children, discovered that she was conceived during her mothers affair with a married man as well. With the clarity that she’d long desired she harbored a great deal of resentment towards her mother that I have spent the past five years addressing in therapy with little change.

Once upon a time the social contract was marriage with man+woman+child=family..And now this has been replaced with woman+child+child+child support=family? Oh yes I’m tired because I will no longer accept this epidemic and shift in values as merely a deficiency of “manhood” and sexual irresponsibility of men in our community. I do not nor will I ever excuse those married men but I also will no longer allow us to lay blame of the issues that have rapidly deteriorated our community at the feet of men. This “man up” focus hasnt changed one thing in our community in 5 decades and yet the message remains the same while we pivot from 6 in 10 to 7 in 10 to 8 in 10 illegitimacy. Thats what the message that abdicates us black women of any responsibility in this has moved us towards.

I am old enough to remember a time when the social contract that had existed for thousands of years between man and woman was the crux of healthy vital societies/communities. No, everything was not perfect, but children were more likely to be raised within the structure of family. The current conflicts between men and women and the subsequent break down of black family was not as prevalent as it has become. Something happened as the women’s liberation movement began to push more aggressively for “equality” (im for quality but some of the subsequent laws don’t suggest a desire for ‘equality) and for the rights of women to have their roles evolve in society. With this push the social contract was broken on one side. While men continued to be held to an expectation that would honor their side of the social contract, ideologues began to reshape the thinking of society with growing influence in education, policy and in my personal experience even the feminization of psychology. Feminist (and black women swallowed the ideology hook line and sinker) began to assert the notion that patriarchal oppression was responsible for many of society’s ills and at its most radical end that the social contract that had protected marriage and family was merely constructed for the benefit of those that sought to keep women “oppressed.” Women and men with messages like yours continued to push an expectation on men that was not a reflection of the way society was evolving. We expect men to remain confined to traditionl roles while women navigate society with the role that best fits them. Unfortunately it has created this intersting dichotomy where we are “empowered, liberated, independent women with an ability to make grown up decisions” while occasionally maintaining the idea of ourselves and our children as the victims of men’s ill intent. I dont buy it! This is best illustrated in the post roe v wade mantra of “my body my choice.” What we actually continue to communicate to young sistas in our community ois the message that it is your body your choice, but someone elses responsibility? This legislation gave women the right not to be forced into motherhood, so that should an unwanted pregnancy occur the woman had several options available to her. Those options begin with greater pre-conception family planning and prevention options that are a page long (e.g IUD, patch, foam, pills, shot, etc) We focus on a post birth model that emphasizes male accountability hiding behind the guise of “best interest of the child” because if we focused on the fact that most black women do not excercise use of prevention and famnily planning options it would be an indictment of our failures and the role of our irresponsible behavior in the out of wedlock crisis. So we remain focus on this idea that in 2012 a man still “gets” a woman pregnant rendering us as helpless victims of men. This notion that “oopsies” cant be prevented and that motherhood is not a “choice” in 2012 is disturbing.We talk a lot about men abandoning their responsibilities, but the same reason that women “abandon” motherhood (emotionally unprepared, financially unprepared, etc) are the same reasons that we refer to mens “walking away” as deadbeatism. Women have COMPLETE CONTROL throughout the process but I have become increasingly annoyed with the hypocrisy that ignores the fact that given womens complete right to “choose” the circumstances under which children are brought into this world then there should be greater focus on the complete responsibility that comes with that choice. In fact Our community has been held hostage by idealogues for decades and we now see the detrimental impact of buying into this ideology and the subsequent policies. We now have an illegitimacy rate approaching 80% and yet we continue to leave out critical pieces of the discussion that would lead to a radical change in our community.

While these feminist pushed for women’s roles to evolve in society we maintained an expectation that men’s would remain the same. Men are still expected to be chivalrous, protectors and providers while women not only have engaged in a redefining of womanhood, but spend a great deal of time defining manhood. The problem is that manhood is most often being defined not in a way that is meant to empower them personally but in a way that is most beneficial to the ones doing the defining. (in many cases that is women and society as a whole) We love men not for who they are but what they can do for us. We have assigned utilitarian value to their lives where they are reduced to their ‘doings’ instead of value of their ‘being.’

. When my son applied for college he did so with the expectation that in order for him to secure loan money he would have to register for selective services. This was not an expectation of my daughter. I sat watching news of the crisis in Syria where the journalist reported casualities in a way that has ecome common in western journalism. The reporter stated, “27 killed….including women and children.” These are two examples of the message that is communicated to our boys/men regarding the level of importance we place on the lives of our girls while holding our boys to a very different standard. Oh and these young men may not be able to fully understand the message but they are starting to demonstrate more outward objections to the comparative difference in expectation that society has place on them. But one will never hear this injected into conversations regarding equality by idealogues. What is coming, is the tipping point where men and boys will inevitably begin to aggressively “push back.” A society that despises its men runs the risk of creating a society of despicable men.

The conversation is not nearly as simplistic as what you have reduced it to. There have been male and female casualties amidst all this confusion, but showing us love does not mean you cease in your desire and ability to understand and have compassion for men.

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