Father’s Day—key word; FATHER – Ok Black Women!

by Staff June 16, 2012 13 Comments Fatherhood News Opinion Relationships Sista Talk Weekly Columns

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(ThyBlackMan.com) So a friend of mine brought to my attention, cards designed for Mothers on Father’s Day and I was disgusted by the madness. If you are a female you are a MOTHER, not a FATHER. Even if you are a single mother, raising beautiful children, you are still a MOTHER. I remember when I was younger I would give my mother Father’s Day Gifts and cards and she would always accept them, which made me think that what I was doing was correct and ultimately gave me a warped view on male/female relationships and the roles pertaining to Mothers and Fathers.

Upon growing older, I know now that I am solely a MOTHER. I can’t play the role of a father, I can’t be a father, and Father’s Day (or any other day) is not the” I’m gonna bash your daddy cuz he ain’t here and I am both the mother and father day”. I know some of us can’t wait until the clock strikes midnight to post and tweet our bitterness regarding the “deadbeat no good fathers”, but we have to get control of that hurt and pain, because all we do is project that on to your children. You can only be ONE. We have enough confusion in our households as it is.

Even if it feels like we are playing dual roles, we are only given ONE. I will never be both a mother and a father, if I could be both, then I wouldn’t need a man to procreate. We hold the title Mother for a specific reason and purpose and he holds the title Father for a specific reason and purpose.

I get it, I was a single mother for most of my life, so I know the trials and tribulations that a Single Mother faces, but what does talking reckless about our child’s father accomplish? After you talk negatively about him, then what? Talking about him isn’t going to magically conjure him up. Don’t turn Father’s Day into your own personal holiday, planting seeds of resentment, and confusion into the minds and hearts of your children. Even if the father isn’t in the house, but still maintains a relationship with his child, or even if he doesn’t, you still have to be thankful for HIS SEED. Without the seed, there would be nothing for the womb to CULTIVATE.

This is more proof that the independent mentality is running wild in our community, and the agenda to keep us separated is working. Look at the company producing the cards, Mahogany; specifically geared to the Black Family, and this particular card is specifically marketed to the BLACK WOMAN. Now why would this card appeal to Black Women? What is it about us as Black Women? I keep saying that the Black Woman holds the key to EVERYTHING.

I haven’t seen any “for my dad on mother’s day” cards for the single Fathers that have custody of their children. You know why? There’s little to no money if the Black Man is painted in the positive light. There is a lot of revenue to be gained from “deadbeat fathers” or “there are no good black men” campaigns, by preying on the emotions of resentment and hurt of women. Black Woman we fill up to many pockets, we are making people rich because they have mastered profiting off our emotions. I am sure so many Women will see that card and feel they deserve it, and will probably sell out on the shelves.

When I posted the “For my mom on father’s day” card on my facebook page, one of my friends commented that it was “cute” and there was no “harm no foul”. You know, there are a lot of things that we label as cute that lead to destructive behavior. We think it’s cute when our children can run an entire Lil Wayne verse but can’t say their abc’s to save their life. We think it’s cute to have our daughters shaking their behinds at a young age, then wonder and feign ignorance when they get older and become promiscuous.

While some things may “seem” simplistic and innocent, the overall effect has proven to be much more damaging. This type of “marketing” will allow you to believe that a man isn’t needed in the lives of his children, specifically a Black Man. One of the days, I swear we’re gonna stop falling for the okey doke.

So, having said all that, I am thanking all of my brothers that cultivate their seeds. To my brothers that hold down their families, work hard to secure and give their children the best. To the brothers that are ACTIVE & PRESENT in the lives of their children, without an order from the judge, those that marry the women that extended their lives, to those that understand that “child support” goes well beyond financial support, to those that fight to have a relationship when the child’s mother uses the child as a pawn, to men who understand that a child not born of your flesh, can still be nurtured and groomed in your spirit.

Even though you’re “stepping” in the role of a father the word step-father is never used. To the fathers of their Community, the Fathers of the “Fatherless”, who set a positive example, who take the time to say a kind word to a young Sister that may be lost, to help give a single mother some ease, and relieve burden that is not hers to bear. To all the fathers whose children say “Forget Superman I have a SUPERDAD“………I salute you, I appreciate you and I love you! Happy Father’s Day!

Staff Writer; Nojma Muhammad

To learn more about this talented sister, feel free to visit; Nojma Reflects.

13 Comments

Nojma says:

June 22, 2012 at 1:47 pm

The comments on this thread are very interesting. I see that I have been properly quoted, then misquoted, then an interpretation was made based on misquoting me lol. What I said was “Even if the father isn’t in the house, but still maintains a relationship with his child, or even if he doesn’t, you still have to be thankful for HIS SEED. Without the seed, there would be nothing for the womb to CULTIVATE.

I would never say if a father doesn’t maintain a relationship with a child be thankful, my point was that we still have to be thankful for the seed, if it were not for the seed, then we wouldn’t have the child or children.

Now regarding Mahogany, this is an extension of Hallmark that markets cards for Black Families, so who but the Black Woman would be the recipient of the “for my mother on father’s day card?”. The Black Woman is becoming the fastest way for everyone to become a millionaire, and again the best way is to play on our emotions(hurt, anger and disappointment).

The bottom line is that, as a female we can only be MOTHERS. As a male, a man can only be a FATHER. There are things about manhood that a man can only learn from a man, and a female’s first relationship with a man should be with her father. Again, regardless if single mothers are holding down the household and taking care of her children, you are a SINGLE MOTHER, not a single mother/father. The same applies for the men, a single father taking care of his children is just that..a single FATHER.

I asked my son why he never gave me a card on Father’s Day and he said because you’re my MOTHER; NOT my father and he hasn’t seen his father in ten years. He is old enough to understand who provides for him, I never speak ill of his father, but even in his mind, he knows the difference, and if any of my children gave my a father’s day card, I would correct them immediately, even if the intent was from the heart, correction would be necessary.

@Glenn, you’re not going to see those type of cards on the mainstream, because there is little to no money in potrayiing Black Men in a positive light. I wonder if one of started cards along those lines, if WE would even support it, because sadly, we support everyone else BUT our own. That’s why towards the end of my article I mentioned the Fathers of the Fatherless and the Fathers of their Community, which includes all the uncles, big brothers, nephews and all the Black Men in general who extend themselves to the children that don’t have a male figure in their lives. Just as I don’t have to have a child to come from my womb in order show love as a mother, the same applies for men, you don’t have to have a child come from your flesh in order to show motherly love. I know many like to focus on the fathers that DON’T take care of their responsibility/children/community, I wanted to focus on the fathers/black men that DO take care of their responsibilities/children/community.

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Glen says:

June 19, 2012 at 12:43 am

Great article, shows how are society is getting further off track. Would have like to see cards that highlight positive male roll models in kids lives. If not a father, a teacher, a uncle, pastor etc.
We multiply what we publish. Promote the positive men, and we will increase them.

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natalie says:

June 18, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Thank you Sista,

SOme of the comments are disturbing but are strongly indicative of why the divide is so great between some of us. Happy Fathers Day gentlemen! Great article!

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Umm Yeah says:

June 18, 2012 at 11:13 am

Great article. Mother’s day is for mothers. Father’s day is for fathers. I have never heard fathers who take care of their kids expecting mother’s day cards. It is just weird.

To me it is part of the greater destruction and pitting of man against woman.

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Mack says:

June 18, 2012 at 1:32 am

Jesus take the wheel! Again: some of you ladies are totally missing the point of this article.

For one: those cards from Mahogany ARE for the mothers, as she will be the end user of the card when it’s handed to her on Father’s Day. They’re designed to appeal to black women who hold the view that they can fill both gender roles as a mother and a father. And there are NO other cards out there on the market of a similar nature geared towards any other ethnic group. Just black women.

Why do you sisters find it so distasteful to simply give black fathers their props on Father’s day?! You have to always find a way to give out a sly diss, even to the brothers doing right. Nobody says on Mother’s Day: “Shout out to all the mothers out there…who ain’t on welfare”, or “Congrats to all the moms out there who…who know for certain who their baby-daddy is!” When it comes to Mother’s Day, you just get your props and that’s it.

But not for us. Oh no, it has to be: “HAPPY FATHER’S DAY to all the “real” fathers out there!” What kind of BS is that?!

The sisters who ‘get it’ are usually the ones who also get the decent brother to walk her down the aisle some day. Those of you who don’t can continue to enjoy the false comforts of your own bitterness and blaming all black men for the mistakes that YOU made in judgment and poor choices. By your own actions you prove that loneliness and brief sexual interludes are all that you deserve.

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Kamilah Cee says:

June 18, 2012 at 12:51 am

I agree with College Girl and also with Dionna Livingston. In particular, the point she makes about the cards being for the children, not the mother’s rings true. I have two toddlers. The daycare made father’s day cards. Have you thought about the awkward and painful situation that would result if the kids couldn’t make cards if they didn’t know or didn’t have a relationship with their dads? (My boys do, but a lot of the others don’t). Teacher: ‘Okay class, it’s time for father’s day cards!Yay!” Johnny: ” I don’t have a dad.” Teacher: “Okay, then no card for you. Everyone else take out your CRAYONS!” Come on! Mothers can (and do) actually perform the function of “FATHER” – which has honestly, historically, been the function of financial provider. It is only very recently, like since the 80’s that men were expected to actually do anything in the home besides bring home a check. So, if a kid wants to celebrate their mother on father’s day… so be it. If kids develop “a warped view on male/female relationships” it would be less a result of their mother accepting a card that their child created with love and care and more a result of their father deciding to NOT be a part of their lives.

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sankofa says:

June 17, 2012 at 7:54 pm

Thank you Sistah Nojma…from a father to a mother.

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Dionna Livingston says:

June 17, 2012 at 2:01 pm

College Chick thank you for your comment because I think you hit the nail right on the head. I agree with a lot that was shared in Ms. Muhammad’s post like the uselessness of bashing our children’s fathers on Father’s Day “planting seeds of resentment, and confusion into the minds and hearts of your children”. However, I do not agree with you saying that a single mother can’t “play the role” of a father. A single mother who has no help from her children’s father is, by definition, ASSUMING the role of “father”. I think that you, Ms. Muhammad, are thinking in terms of sex (M or F) as to what constitutes a father as you say multiple times in your post that “a woman cannot conceive a child without a man”- this is not what we’re arguing. We are arguing the FUNCTION of a father- the impact that a father has in a child’s life- and if that FUNCTION is being fulfilled by a woman, then she deserves to be celebrated on father’s day. Period.

Moreover, I resent the fact that you’ve only addressed the mothers who are man-bashers and those that teach their children to resent their fathers. What you don’t seem to realize is that these cards are not for the mothers themselves. They are for children who want to express how they feel about their mothers. So when you ask “Now why would this appeal to a black woman?”- umm…they’re not. They are appealing to PRODUCTS of a single parent home. Just like you said you bought your mom Happy Father’s Day cards- did your mom go out and buy them? No. You bought them for her because you wanted to express how she’d been there when your father was not. You’re thinking of these cards from a mother’s point of view and not the child’s. It doesn’t matter that my mom is a woman and can never PHYSICALLY be a father, but so what! What about the other dimensions of a person’s wellness- MENTAL, SPIRITUAL, SOCIAL, EMOTIONAL, ENVIRONMENTAL- if mom is filling 5 out 6 where that father is not, then she’s darn good mother AND father.

Another thing that I want to address is this statement “This is more proof that the independent mentality is running wild in our community, and the agenda to keep us separated is working.” These cards are not an AGENDA to keep men and women separated in the black community. They are a REFLECTION of what is present in the black community. Look at the facts. Statistically among African Americans, 2 out of 3 homes are single-parent homes run by a black woman. This is not an effort by Mahogany to paint the black man in a negative light OR to discredit the fathers that support their children or serve as single-parents. This is plain ole’, as College Chick said, Marketing 101. Black women as single parents have become a demographic and this company is only serving that demographic. That’s the cold hard truth.

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Dorothy says:

June 17, 2012 at 12:46 pm

First, HAPPY FATHER’S DAY to all the “real” fathers out there!

Great post, but I would take exception to thanking men who “cultivate their seeds” and then leave the child high and dry to fend for him/herself! Anyone can have sex and impregnate a woman; that does NOT make you a father! You are just a male having sex, like dogs and other animals do when seeking another animal to mate with!

I don’t know about the line of cards being used to further increase the divide in our communities. My kids had a deadbeat father and sometimes would call me on Father’s Day to wish me a happy day and express their appreciation for all I did; they don’t anymore, so maybe they outgrew it. I never encouraged it, but could certainly see how they would feel that way.

To his credit, my son stepped up to the plate and is not following in his father’s footsteps. He was just stupid enough to lay with the wrong woman, and now is reaping the consequences. I’m NOT blaming the woman, who is ignorant as all get out, because he could have chosen not to go there–not once, but twice! We all reap what we sow, in this case, two lives hang in the balance. So, you see, my sister, men are NOT blameless! If he is not serious enough about the woman to want her for his mate, he shouldn’t lie with her, or at least make sure he is protected! We all have blame to share in communities being in this condition!

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MissyinLA says:

June 17, 2012 at 4:16 am

College Chick. You said it all. There is no excuse for deadbeat fathers or mothers. Black men are not the only men ditching their children so please don’t act like black women are the only single moms asking for gifts on fathers day.

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College Chick says:

June 17, 2012 at 3:14 am

It is a great disappointment that Father’s Day can conjure up feelings of negativity in some people, and feelings of accomplishment in others. Fathers know who they are and they know who they are not. You bet your ass on Father’s Day any man with a kid thinks about who he is as a father.

“Even if the father isn’t in the house, but still maintains a relationship with his child, or even if he doesn’t, you still have to be thankful for HIS SEED. Without the seed, there would be nothing for the womb to CULTIVATE.”

However you lost me with “if the father doesn’t maintain a relationship with his child ….be thankful”. Are you serious? Father’s Day and Mother’s Day is about celebrating the people who FILL those roles REGARDLESS of WHO they are. If a man decides to FERTILIZE AN EGG an then DISAPPEAR INTO THIN AIR that is NOT A FATHER. If a WOMAN decides to spit out a baby and DISAPPEAR INTO THIN AIR that is NOT A MOTHER. This is not specific to ANY race. If a single father wanted to celebrate Mother’s Day its because he DESERVES that. Mothers who bear the SOLE responsibility of raising a man’s child have the right to celebrate Father’s Day. Does this mean to verbally bash, insult, or harass you child’s father? No. Does it mean express to your child/ren what their father IS NOT? No. Its a testament to the parent’s ability to mentally, emotionally, and financially provide for the child. This does NOT mean expecting to receive a 10000 child support check every month. This means both parents splitting HALF the cost of the basic living necessities for the CHILD ( diapers, formula, daycare, clothes, shoes, activities, medicine, food, keeping a roof over the child’s head –not a million dollar house – however kick in the price difference between a one and two bedroom apt/house so that YOUR CHILD has his/her own room if it is needed –etc, etc) .

Also I have NEVER seen a deadbeat dad Father’s Day card in CVS, Walmart, Walgreens, or any other major retail outlet. Don’t project your PERSONAL beliefs onto Mahogany or Hallmark as “proof that the agenda to keep us separated is working”. Maybe you see it as an agenda. Its marketing 101, corporations use demographic information for advertisements everyday (this applies to men, women, children, the elderly, everybody).

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LateishaEl says:

June 17, 2012 at 2:30 am

Well said. There is something about the black Women. Sad part not many of us know it. Keep being positive, hopefully one day they will realize just how important they are and stop the vicious cycle.

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Clayton Craddock says:

June 16, 2012 at 2:58 pm

This is brilliant. Well written and on point.

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