(ThyBlackMan.com) It’s so easy to fall into the habit of believing that the people in our lives need what we need. But the truth is, our needs are often very different from those we care about. We frustrate ourselves when we insist on giving love the way we need it rather than giving love the way our loved ones need it.
It takes some insight and good communication to better understand what your loved ones need, but once you know, you are better equipped to build strong, healthy relationships.
I talked with author Shaunti Feldhahn about “what women need to know about the inner lives of men,” and how to “get inside the head of your kid.” Whether you are a wife and mom, or you have a boyfriend, younger brother, nephews 
and nieces, or other children in your life, allow these research findings to help you understand how to relate to the men and kids in your life.
Here are five strategies to remember that emerged from independent studies covered in Shaunti’s books, For Women Only and For Parents Only:
Understanding the Inner Lives of Men
1. Love is not enough.
A husband wants respect even more than your affection. Be aware of the ways in which you can cause him to feel disrespected. He wants to know you believe in his abilities and he wants to feel respected in public. The tone of your voice or a poor choice of words can leave him feeling like you don’t respect him.
2. The pressure to perform.
He often feels pressure to look confident even when he doesn’t feel confident. Seventy-five percent of the men surveyed admitted to feeling like a bit of an impostor or out of their element, that they were not fully qualified to do certain things, yet hoped no one would find out. Your affirmation and encouragement is extremely valuable. Show your appreciation, and don’t be quick to tear him down.
Understanding the Inner Lives of Teenagers
3. Rebel with a cause.
Even good kids go crazy for freedom at times. This is the first time in life they have experienced it and it is almost intoxicating to them. Much of the behavior that confuses and alarms parents is directly related to a young person’s desperate quest for the rush of freedom, and his fear of losing it. Freedom is often their biggest motivator. It can lead to lying and negativ behavior.
A parent should aim to really get to know their teen. Choose discipline wisely, with the fear-trigger of loss of freedom in mind. You want discipline to be appropriate to the punishment. Taking away too much freedom for minor infractions can cause resentment and more rebelliousness.
4. It’s OK to put your foot down.
Kids want boundaries. One of your primary roles as a parent is setting and maintaining structure and boundaries. They look to you for that. Seventy-seven percent (77%) of teenagers said they prefer to have parents who “set reasonable rules, ensure they do their homework, care who they hang out with, create family time, and stay involved in their lives” to parents who “hang out with them, usually buy them what they want, don’t bug them about homework, and don’t hold them to rules.”
5. They want you to listen.
Many teens are convinced they can’t talk to their parents. When a kid doesn’t feel heard, she will tend to bottle up her emotions – and the distance begins to grow, and the trust begins to diminish. But it is possible to regain that trust with the kid in your life. Shaunti recommends a few simple ways to be a better listener:
Focus on feelings first, even more so than the problem at hand. Affirm the feelings, then deal with the problem. Remain calm even in the midst of their emotional storms. And most importantly, take their concerns seriously.
