Great article and replies ladies. I agree and disagree with certain dynamics in this article specifically: “gray areas’. What exactly is in this area? I mean; we as MEN try and cannot ‘think like a woman’ and vice-versa. I’m hitting on the movie for this article because at some point, SELF has to come first, before a relationship, friendship, sexship, and whatever other labels I may have missed is possible with anyone; specifically SELF. . . . .

I’ve been down this same road and I’m in my 40s, soon to be engaged, and have no children. It’s not by choice or accident. After my daughter died in 1995 I wen’t through the whole spectrum of spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical change as, the prior 2 relationships I was in lasted 2 & 5 years yet, these women already had kids;(No ladies, I don’t shoot blanks and can hit the bullseye from any angle; I just didn’t meet another woman who wanted kids which, I don’t look at as being a bad thing).

The lady I’m soon to marry has 3 kids, and being with her for 10 years well; it’s either now or never. I say this more toward ME than toward my Fiancee’ because until I could get the needed therapy for my insecurity, abandonment, childhood abuse, drugs, jails, homelessness and other issues; there was no way I would succeed in another relationship, especially a relationship with GOD & SELF.
The control issues go both ways Patsy, not just with men, but women too, regardless what methods, behaviors, lies, etc., are used to gain control however, your key point is true: (A MAN CAN BE HIGHLY EDUCATED, RICH, HAVE A LOT OF PROPERTY, WOMEN, etc. etc. etc.). But, after all that ‘outside stuff’ is gone, what does a man have then?????

However, from my life experiences with the money, cars, clothes, drug dealing and using, and so on; until I got my heart right with GOD & MYSELF, all that outside stuff that comes with money was just that!!! OUTSIDE STUFF; the inside was empty and, only GOD guided me to get CLEAN & SOBER for almost 15 years (GOD-WILLING, July 23, 2012 will make 15 years CLEAN & SOBER, and this process is at times a minute-by-minute process, ONE DAY AT A TIME). . . . .IT’s AN INSIDE JOB (mind, body, & soul).

GOD THE HEAVENLY FATHER GETS ALL THE CREDIT; I just do my best above and beyond to stay on this path. A lot of different people assume that it’s easy to stay CLEAN & SOBER; it’s not!!!! It’s very easy to get clean, but the real work starts with commiting to stay that way for life. . . . .

As a result of the ‘contuation’ of healing the inside; I was able to go to school for Computer Information Sciences and Psychology-Substance Abuse (still have 2 years to go with the Psychology courses); and get therapy for my PTSD as well (Military Combat Veteran). I now work at the Miami VA, helping the Veterans that paved the way for me to enlist in 1980 although, I got out right after we got back from Kuwait, I wonder what the next 9 years would’ve been like if I had stayed in to make it a full 20 years but, I’m not bitter and don’t regret my decision to get out when I did.

Nojma hit it on the head: “I had to learn to fall in love with James before I could even attempt to give it to another person, especially a woman”. . . I would also note that this same process is very critical in today’s black community because it also applies to women just as it does to men.

I’ll qoute Kevin Hart when he was starting out in small clubs and side spots, before he made it big in comedy: Kevin said he wen’t to meet a prominent white promoter (Dave Becky) and, Dave said the following to Kevin: “(You come out and you’re talking ’bout’ this and that; black life issues; but you’re not saying anything!!! WHO ARE YOU???).”

This one hit me so hard mentally & emotionally all I could do was sit on the floor and cry, mainly because that question made me look past my reflection in the mirror.

So ladies, I ask you to take some quiet time away from everything and everybody and ask yourselves the same INDIVIDUAL question; WHO ARE YOU???

The water works for me; I guess it’s just something so deeply spiritual about being near the canal, stream, river, lake, pond, or even a swimming pool ALONE and talking to GOD; it’s very healing and deep; try it ladies,it works but, I will advise you not to approach this with self-expectations, projections, or trying to figure out what will happen and how you’ll feel afterwards; GOD will reveal it all very,very,very,very,very slowly; IN HIS TIME, NOT OUR TIME.

Like the old folks used to say ‘GOD is always on time, not when he needs us, but when we need him’.

Enjoy your day ladies and, I look forward to your replies.

SMILE SMILE SMILE—–The esscence of the BLACK WOMAN shines from the inside out—not outside in—-her smile is the key…….

Thanks.

James.

We put more time into choosing an outfit and buying a car then we do in choosing a mate. I am sure there may not be many responses on this one. Hopefully not because folks (men and women) or upset from what you had to say, but because they are really thinking about your post. Maybe they are actually taking a closer look at themselves in the process of this thing we call dating and relationships.

They you for sharing an excellent piece.