I am all for equality in parenting. Ending lifetime alimony, child support reform, abolishment of no-fault laws, and establishing mandatory joint custody (unless there is proven child abuse), are all issues that need to be on the table in 2012.

I feel sooner than later, women will feel the pain. More women than men are working under the age of 30 and they will be served with child support documents one day soon. Then, maybe they’ll understand our pain.

http://claytoncraddock.blogspot.com/2011/12/why-i-refuse-to-pay-child-support.html

For example, many of today’s so-called “deadbeats” were yesterday’s supportive parents who paid their child support proudly and on time. However, a job loss, illness, or other unforseen event inhibited their ability to keep current with the full child support amount. This individual then attempts to go back to court to get his or her child support modified to reflect his or her new financial reality. Weeks pass before he or she can get a court date. If the former spouse objects, more weeks pass while both parties exhange financial information. If needed, hearings are scheduled based on the court’s and the attorney’s convenience — usually another few weeks out. And all the while the parent’s child support debt piles up with interest and penalties. Even if the judge issues a ruling for modification, the modification is never retroactive. The parent is now so far in arrears — and usually still without a job plus new legal fees — that there is no way he or she can get current in support in a time that is acceptable to the other party, the court and the child support enforcement agencies.

Parental alienation is another related, and huge, issues in these cases. The same judge who will throw a parent in jail for not paying support will not impose consequences on an alienating parent for disobeying the court’s orders that give both parents’ the right to have normal, healthy relationships with their children.

Our family court and child support systems are old, antiquated and in need of a major overhaul. Sadly, the people in the best position to address the issues — the judges,lawyers and professionals working in the system — are the least motivated to change a system the is comfortable and profitable.

Sincerely,

mike jeffries
Author, A Family’s Heartbreak: A Parent’s Introduction to Parental Alienation

On point 1, you said, “I know this reality from experience, and I’ve also heard from countless dads (and moms) who’ve taken care of their responsibilities, only to have their child calling to request money for things they can’t afford.”

Tracking how the parent spends the money isn’t going to change this behavior. The alienating parent is having the child ask for additional money to reduce the respect of that parent in the child’s eyes. It’s a no win situation for the targeted parent because what ever they choose to do (give the money or not) doesn’t matter. The child is getting the message that the targeted parent isn’t doing enough, paying enough or caring enough.

In point 2 you said, “… one parent chooses to hijack the child-rearing process, micromanaging everything the other parent does …” This again is an alienation tactic. Micromanaging the other parent undermines the child’s perception that the target is a capable parent.

In point 3 you said, “Also, when a family struggles, we must grow beyond simply assuming that the man is always at fault – it usually takes two people to destroy a family, but in many black relationships, we are likely to hear just one side of the story.” Black or otherwise, sometimes it only takes one to destroy a relationship, and, sometimes it is the woman who does it and uses the children as pawns to punish the fathers for leaving, even though the women brought it on themselves to begin with.

We, as a society in general, have to adopt a mindset that the starting point is 50/50 shared legal and physical custody. Events may change that over a course of time, but gender alone should not be the deciding factor. We should adopt a zero tolerance on alienation tactics that put the children’s minds, hearts and souls on the line and force them to choose one parent over another.