“Accountability and compassion must go hand in hand. Accountability without compassion is ruthless. It is what we more often direct at men. It is respecting men but not loving them. Compassion without accountability is infantilizing. It is what we more often direct at women. It is loving women but not respecting them.”

The next part of the discussion should pivot towards the reproductive rights of men. I have advocated for womens right to “choose” for twenty plus years and some of my greatest allies in the trenches fighting for our reproductive rights have been men that would give their lives for this cause. These same men that fight along side us have their own reproductive rights disregarded by the very women for whom they fight..Women that enjoy the rights but that I rarely see actively engaged in the fight. With these great rights comes even greater responsibilities and it is long past time that we as women embrace the idea of “our body, our choice”…OUR RESPONSIBILITY!

There is a direct link between fatherlessness in our community and our attitudes as it relates to the 20+ birth control options available to us. We cannot continue to reduce fatherlessness in our community simply to a mans needs to “wrap up”, “man up” etc while absolving ourselves of any responsibility for the current crisis. We took an aggressive pivot towards destigmatizing unwed motherhood choosing rather to empower with the all encompassing term “single mother” In 2011 unwed motherhood is a “choice” and yet we continue to lay blame at the feet of men. Amazing to me the hyprocrisy of the idea that if a child attends college in spite of the “circumstances” (translation “deadbeat dad”) it is a testament to the strength and abilities of a strong single mother and should the same child have ended up incarecerated it is due to fatherlessness?

The top two reasons that men in oow childbirth walk are the same two reasons that women walk (abort, put up for aoption, etc) Men are told to “man up” while we compassionately “lay out the options” that our daughters have should they not desire to have their lifes course altered by unwanted pregnancy. I wish that this would become more apart of the mainstream discussion as it is time to really change the course of the strategy because the one that we have been on for decades in our community will only inch us closer to an illigitimacy rate of 9 in 10. Time to have a real, balanced conversation about this issue. As women we were empowered in a way that has allowed for our role to evolve while we conctinue to expect mens role to remain the same.

It is very interesting that we have fought for greater independence, bodily autonomy, and a general right to “stand on our own and do it our way” but we have expected men to remain in their role as (the chivalrous protector, provider, etc.) Until our society addresses the issue of male disposability we will never solve this problem or others. We can no assign utilitarian values to men where we love them not for who they are, but rather what they can do for us, especially since now we can “do for ourselves” (sarcasm) The lack of balance and a willingness to speak honestly and with compassion about the experiences of men has expedited the deterioration of family, man/woman relationshis and our community as a whole. Traditional values were once man+woman+child and it has evolved into woman+child+child+child support. I was reluctant ten years ago to buy into the idea of many of “child support and the best interest of the child” as an acceptance and incentive for oow childbirth.

Having observed the crisis worsen I wouldnt dismiss the idea as I once may have. We cannot continue to have the dichotomy where we have declarations of independence and bodily autonomy while embracing the idea of ourselves and our children as the victim of the ill intended black man. Are there jerks that are intentional in their desire to spread their seed everywhere? Yes! But the vast majority of these preventable unwanted pregnancies where we have all the choices available to us pre-conception and post-conception are a major contributor to the fatherlessness crisis. Sad because The contract for fatherhood was once a marriage license.

We focus on how irresponsible men are post-conception as it allows us receive unwarranted compassion and absolve ourselves of responsibility because we know that if there was a shift in focus to pre-conception responsibility our community and society as a whole would condemn us as they have the “deadbeat dad” (feminist constructed term).

We can all the initiatives the heart desires but until black leaders, clergy and our “BLACK PRESIDENT” is willing to speak “truth” to the women in our community with the same “fire in the belly” that has been directed at our men. If we dont reframe the conversation these fatherhood initiatives will have the same results as other failed government social programs.