(ThyBlackMan.com) It’s been awhile since I shared… and my motivation for writing this is currently on the wrong side of the fence. I never had a issue with helping others dissect their relationships and even help find resolutions. I know that some look at me as resource for good, genuine, honest self assessment. It’s no secret that if you want me to lie to you im NOT your guy.
My issue was always could write the prescription for someone else’s ailment but I could never apply the medicine to my own life/relationships. The success or failure your relationships are absolutely one hundred percent completely dependent on the two parties involved. PERIOD!! That’s it and nobody else. NOBODY!! Anything other than the two parties involved is an INTRUDER!!
In marriage vows you pledge to your spouse “what God has formed, let no man put asunder“. Before I start unpacking this, let me say this should be applied to every relationship with purpose.
First the word “Asunder” means to separate, divide. Applying the word asunder means that no one, no man, no woman, obstacle, nothing worldly will come BEFORE, AFTER, OR BETWEEN the two of you. If that’s your woman, man, spouse, they belong to you and only you until they die. Then they belong to only to God. Note that them belonging to you does not mean you own or they are a possession, but it is a mutual understanding that the two you will
exercise together. Almost always one hundred percent of the time anything negative, toxic, an intruder, or something detrimental to your relationship is enabled, accepted, invited into your relationship. And sometimes yes, it’s unknowingly to the two in the relationship, but a lot of times (more often than not) we open the door and let it right on in.
It wipes it dirty feet right on your welcome mat and tracks all their shit they brought with them in your house with no intentions other than to destroy it. They have infiltrated the relationships main line of defense. They snuck in the other side of the fence.
Now I may hurt some feelings now, but I will definitely require you to stand in your truth. The wall that separates your relationship from outsiders is made for only two to stand behind. The more you allow others to infiltrate your fence, the less room there is for the two of you.
The space behind the fence becomes crowded, you can’t breathe, y’all are fighting for space and then you finally see an opening and neither of you even realize that you stepped on the other side of the fence from your partner and now y’all on opposite sides of the fence.
This like the couple buying a car and both of your have been put in the back seat and you have no choice but to let your relationship go where the intruder drives you wherever it wants.
Intruders come in many forms…work, in-laws, friends (especially ladies with their girlfriends or sisters), grown adult kids, affairs, social media, these grown men and their video games, shopaholics, addictions to name a few but as soon as you read them you instantly could think of how it could negatively affect your relationship.
Some of them don’t seem that harmful but on the wrong side of your fence they are lethal, venomous and will destroy what you have without your consent and have your relationship in an irreparable place.
Let’s talk boundaries.
Yes, boundaries should be set in every relationship when those on the other side of the fence are comfortable with YOUR single habits. (Note: in order for this to change or the relationship to be successful you will HAVE to make the other side of the fence uncomfortable). The lack of boundaries is how people sneak on the other side of the fence. Some of this you may have read from me before so here we go!!
Are you a man that can’t put his mother in place? You can’t differentiate between your mother and YOUR HOUSE, the family you formed? You don’t understand that your house, your wife comes before your mother? “Mama, I love you and I’m your son but I’ll still be your son while you making me and her your famous pound cake on your side of the fence.
Braxton Boundaries
Are you a Braxton Broad?
You got a million groups of girlfriends or sisters. You got a million group text/ chat groups with all of them and in different ones you talk about the ones, everybody and everything else that ain’t in that group. (Sidenote I will address the problem with this in a later article I’m old so somebody may have to remind me though lol), But yeah none of them will stay out of each other’s business long enough to even SEEK their own happiness. Which is why they will usually remain miserable together.
Ladies, sisters, girlfriends, cousins can all qualify you to be a BB. Example: If you in a relationship and she got 2 sisters and 10 girlfriends, you in a relationship with at least 13 people BELIEVE THAT and the same with marriage. You done married all them people because they were invited on your side of the fence.
Be careful who you invite in your relationship because everybody that’s cheering for your team AIN’T ALWAYS CHEERING FOR YOUR TEAM! They don’t want to be miserable alone and misery loves what?? EXACTLY.
Think about the conversations about you in the group/text chat groups you not in. They can alter your relationship and you not even realize until it’s too late. They just having a “fuck him girl” party/girls night out/ girls trip on the other side of the fence. You are the topic of conversation and have no clue.
Family
The ONLY role family should play in your relationship is SUPPORT… Not INTERFERENCE… Support is when you need or ask, not when they feel they should intervene! Do you have grown adult kids that have a influence on your relationship? They absolutely should have NONE! (Sidenote: I understand this conversation would be different with younger adolescent kids.) Your family’s opinions should not matter and shouldn’t even be heard because all of it will come from a selfish and biased place. They are adults but they still are your children. Stay in a child’s place. I’ll call you or facetime YOU from the other side of the fence.
Sons: Some women are not attempting to raise men the best they can. They raising boys in the image of the boyfriend they wish they had!
Ladies, he is your son. He is NOT your King. If this was a monarchy and you was his mother/ the queen he can only be a Prince to you. Stop calling your son your King. They have to find their Kingsmanship by following their purpose! No one is born an adult. Boys are not born Kings. We become them. Adulthood is formed by how you were raised and more importantly trial and error. Boy if you don’t get your ass back on the other side of the fence!
Daughters: Ladies if you have grown adult daughter’s there should be no interference from them in your relationship. Part of a girl becoming a woman is learning how to have mature relationships and it extends to finding the right relationship for herself at this point. Let me be clear. YOUR DAUGHTER ARE NOT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS. Stop treating them and talking to them as such.
They don’t understand what the roles are because they are too comfortable with you befriending them and sometimes that take value out of your job as a Mother. It is ok to have a friendship but you NOT a “girlfriend” if that makes sense. There is no underestimating a mother’s love for her daughter especially in today’s time where mothers are doing majority of the raising kids. The mother is usually consumed with giving the image of what being a mother is to her daughter but blind to how this can damage her relationships. The daughters don’t have a clue and become selfish because they feel threatened by mother’s happiness because it doesn’t involve them but used to revolve around them. It doesn’t exclude them but the source doesn’t derive from them anymore.
They absolutely can co-exist but for the mother the origin is different and the daughters have to accept that. It’s underestimated on the influence that daughters have in their mother’s relationship and a lot of women will remain single, some lonely, some miserable for seeking approval of an adult daughter especially if the mother doesn’t know how to say “nah YOU now need to go find happiness and be happy“. If that don’t work, MIND YOUR BUSINESS usually gets them straight its harsh but effective.
Daughters will absolutely have the ability to destroy the relationship the mother is in or be a wedge between the mother and what could a good man and everything good FOR her. Yes you are her daughter but it ain’t no room for you either on her side of the fence.
In a relationship if you can’t take the stance that it’s US vs. EVERYBODY you already got intruders on your side. It’s US, then its THEM. That’s a simple recipe but hard to make a meal from unless you both are consistent in doing the work to keep everybody out so you two can enjoy the work and growth of your relationship.
Your relationship should be a party for two where nobody else is invited and if you believe you can speak negative things in your relationship why would you allow/give someone else the ability over YOUR relationship to do so. It’s like buying a Bently and somebody already sitting in the driver’s seat. I always contend that I’m a product of all my relationships and friendships. I hope this reached someone that needed a little understanding.
Relationships are great but they can be tough and a lot of work. But as long as you two work together with PURPOSE for y’all’s PURPOSE. “One Team One Purpose” and neither of you should find yourselves on opposite sides of the fence.
Staff Writer; Jamal Montague
Also one may visit this brother online over at; ShytYouShouldKnow.