When Black Sex Matters but Black Lives May Not. : ThyBlackMan

Thursday, April 26, 2018

When Black Sex Matters but Black Lives May Not.

January 11, 2017 by  
Filed under News, Opinion, Relationships, Weekly Columns

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(ThyBlackMan.com) A few weeks ago, there was a social media (or what I like to refer to as anti-social media) uproar about the Black father who posted photos and text messages regarding his biracial daughter’s braided hairstyle for which he paid, and the surprising reaction from the child’s white mother. While I am aware that this story is not exactly a new one, I sometimes like to wait until some of the hoopla surrounding a story dies down so that the reaction(s) invoked (probably more so mine than those of the readers) are at least equal parts logical and emotional. In an ideal journalistic situation, all emotions would be checked at the door, but in situations concerning the state of relationships between Black men and women, it is not always easy to not allow personal feelings to become a huge part of how a story is written. While I would love to cause or create dialogue, I would also hope to be fair and balanced, so here goes:

Upon first seeing the text messages posted by a Black father who proudly sent photos of his biracial daughter’s braids to his white “baby mama’s” phone, my first thought was, “why would he post those?” I wondered if he was trying to seek support, to seek reactions, to paint his “baby mama” in a bad light, or was he just a man, who like so many others, had chosen to live his life in a way that made him comfortable with posting the intimate details of his and his family’s life and drama on social media? Whatever his reason, the result was what I would think that every social media poster aims for: multiple views and multiple comments on his personal experience. As only he knows what inspired him to share the back and forth between the two, his actions caused us to revisit the issue of how it is possible for two parents to have very different views on race and the identity of the same biracial child.

After seeing her daughter’s newly braided style, the mother was inclined to text the child’s father and ask him why on earth he would choose such a style for her biracial daughter to whom she referred as “more white than black”. She went on to state that she would never choose such a style for her daughter and that she hated it. Apparently shocked, the father decided to take the position of Geneticist and inform his “baby mama” that when a white woman becomes pregnant by a black man, the result is a BIRACIAL child, not a white one.

He went on to play the role of activist and inform the child’s mom that she should embrace her child’s black culture and be ok with ethnic hairstyles. Not taking kindly to this suggestion, the white mother quipped that this was not a history class and that she did NOT have to embrace her child’s black heritage. The father went on to express his disappointment and she, in turn, proceeded by calling him out of his name, using foul language, and becoming disrespectful. Calmly, the father continued by stating that the mother was a bigot and she went on to state that she should have never had a child with him.

Well here are my issues with this particular incident:

First, I am still a bit confused as to why the father would even post such an exchange, but that is a question to which we may never know the answer. We can speculate until the second coming, but until he states his purpose, we will just have to wonder.

Second, I cannot help but wonder if before this unfortunate incident, he and his white “baby mama” at some point discussed why she was a better option for him than a black woman. I cannot say for certain that he is the type to view white women in a higher regard, but I am just curious if the irony is such that what he thought was going to be better or easier, turned out to be this white woman who not only refused to acknowledge him by refusing to acknowledge her daughter’s blackness, but who also turned out to be quite disrespectful in the way that she addressed him and the situation.

Again, we may never know the answer to that question.

The third issue that I have with the situation is that he referred to his child’s white mother as a bigot. The reason this struck me as odd was the mere fact that after dealing with this woman and sharing a child, he seemed as though it was a surprise to him that she would not embrace her daughter’s black heritage. It is a bit difficult to believe that at no point before this child was conceived and the decision was made to carry her to term, that there was no indication that the white woman had either a disdain or disregard for black culture. Even if it was a one night stand, there was at one point a conversation on the future of this child. There had to have been a statement, a look, an action, or some thing that should have been cautionary and prompted him to think it through.

Fourth, the white woman made the comment that she never should have had a child with this black man. While some people may see this as a harmless statement, or maybe just a dig at him, I saw this on a bit of a deeper context. She never stated that she should not have had sex with him, but that she should not have had a child with him. That played a significant role in why I chose the title for this article. It seems that to some white people, in this case a white woman, that having sex with a black man is ok; however, when faced with the reality of what or whom may result from such a union, this white woman is not keen on acknowledging the father’s history, the child’s lineage, or the reality that this child is not white, but a mixture of both she and the black man with whom she chose to have a relationship or even just sexual relations.

The fifth issue that stood out to me was the fact that the black man was cursed, disregarded, and disrespected by the white woman, but he never seemed to lose his temper, nor did he retaliate by calling her anything other than a bigot (to which she neither disagreed, nor seemed to take offense). While I would love to think that he is just a respectful man who would treat any woman this way, I must say that I have witnessed black women being disrespected and dragged to the depths of Hades for doing or saying far less disrespectful things than what was stated by this white woman. I do not want to think that this is the ideology of ALL black men. Unfortunately, however, I have seen too many times where black women may type in all caps and all hell breaks loose, but this white woman went in on the father and was not given a tenth of the attitude or fate that has befallen the sistas.

What I would like for those who either read the exchange between the couple or those who read this article to take away is that even if we as Black people are desired sexually, it does not mean that we are regarded as human beings who are due the same respect and dignity given to our counterparts of other races (particularly our white counterparts). This is just one example of how even having a half black child does not guarantee that a bigot will see the light and began to have a different view on race and/or ethnicity.

What I think it may mean for us as black people is that although we have the option of loving, and procreating with different races of people, we need to be fully aware going into the situation that our partners may not necessarily be willing to rear our children (especially if in separate households) with our core values, beliefs, acknowledgement of culture and history, and identity. We have to also be fully aware that it is up to us to educate others and ourselves about our culture while we ask ourselves if we are ok with being fetishes to some. Let us do some self-reflection and ask ourselves, “If other races of people cannot show a genuine interest or concern in our experience, our trials, or in us as humans, should those same people be privy to the experience of our sexual pleasure?”

Staff Writer; Erica Van Jackson

Also feel free to view more of this talented work over at; TBFB.


2 Responses to “When Black Sex Matters but Black Lives May Not.”
  1. ampdefy says:

    So What Race would Charlize Theron be Considered, Since WE are African Americans.

  2. Marque Anthony says:


    It amazes me how many of you are still brainwashed to call yourselves BLACK. Black is not an identity and scientifically black is not even a color. It is next to nothing. Black is the “color” of your car tires, not your skin. The white oppressive slave trader called you black and himself white to set up a contrast and to attach negative images and denotations to you based on a lie about color. Look up BLACK in the dictionary.

    Research even shows that blacks are perceived by other groups as very different from African Americans. But we still keep calling ourselves what someone else defined us as, what we are not and what has a negative dictionary denotation in society. WAKE UP. LOOK AT THE REAL COLOR OF YOUR SKIN. YOU ARE NOT BLACK. You are an African American. The lie of calling us black and defining us by color (the wrong color) has been in place so long that our people accept it as truth – but it’s not. Know your colors.

    Native Americans do not allow others to call them red men. Asians do not accept being called yellow men. Hispanics do not answer to “what’s up brown man”. And Caucasians are not white, notebook paper is white. Wake up and see the plan where white racist supremacists plotted to redefine our people from Africa. STOP CALLING YOURSELF SOMETHING THAT YOU ARE NOT!

    Black is the color of your car tires, not your skin author. Being called “black” is a lie and it should be offensive. Haitians, Jamaicans and even Africans do not accept being called “black”, Why do you think that is? They are identified by tribes, klans, geographic areas and their respective countries. By using the very term black to describe us, we are doing the following:
    1. Using a term white oppressors and slave masters gave us.
    2. Letting someone else define us other than our own people.
    3. Calling ourselves something we are not.
    4. Buying into thee lie and the negative denotation. Check the dictionary.
    5. Being set apart in a way that no other ethnic group allows. Native Americans are not called Red Man. Asians are not called Yellow Man. Hispanics are not called Brown Man. They do not and will not accept being defined by color and by some other race or ethnic group at that.
    6. Ignoring our actual color (brown) which means brainwashing has worked. Any time someone can get an entire race, ethnic group or culture to ignore what they are and call themselves what they factually are not, THEY HAVE BEEN INDOCTRINATED, ASSIMILATED AND BRAINWASHED.
    7. Playing right into the oppressor’s profiles and stereotypes. Did you know studies show there is a different perception of black people than there is of African Americans? Words create perceptions and perceptions create actions towards us.

    WAKE UP. You know your colors. And even though others around the world equated our ancestors with the color of the soil in Africa or the meaning of negro/negroid, that does not change the fact that WE ARE BROWN – NOT BLACK.

    Facts are facts and YOU ARE BROWN, NOT BLACK. When you receive the revelation of why they keep calling African Americans “black” and Caucasian people “white”, you may just wake up!

    STOP LETTING OTHER GROUPS DEFINE YOU WITH AN OBVIOUS LIE that we have heard and accepted so much that we believe it’s true and forget our colors. The de-programming has to take root or African Americans will forever be defined, limited and oppressed by those who get us to accept a lie.

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