Wednesday, March 29, 2017


The Top Five Mistakes in Thinking Single-Dads Make and What to Do About It.

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(ThyBlackMan.com) Every day it seems we hear a litany of stories over the news media about single-dads mired in conflict with the mother of their children. All too often these conflicts end up in assaults and arrests. Such negative outcomes strain the father-child relationship beyond repair and impair our ability to become better men. When we focus on becoming better men, we will become better fathers. As a certified holistic life coach, I have discovered a myriad of wrong-thinking attitudes that single-dads hold and that leave them powerless and purposeless as fathers.

Here are five mistaken attitudes that we as single-dads too often adopt that prevent us from becoming the positive, strong and motivating force in the lives of our children.

Mistake#1

We Try to Control Instead of Influencing Results

Control is the futile attempt to determine absolute results. We may be tempted to determine the outcome of every aspect of our child’s life – from school to home to social development. This does nothing but lead to co-parenting conflict, which isn’t good for the child. A co-parenting relationship can become a nightmare when both parties attempt to determine bottom-line results.

Solution:

Focus on influencing results rather than controlling them. Influence means we understand our limitations but give our very best in promoting the positive outcomes we desire. Be the bigger person. Be willing to compromise where and when it’s needed. It will save you a lot of frustration and anxiety as a dad. Remember the words of Maya Angelou: You may not control all of the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.

Mistake#2

We Hide Our Emotions

We often lose out on invaluable opportunities to bond with our children because we choose to mask our pain and hurt that stem from feelings of inadequacy. In our deepest anxieties as fathers, we do not wish our children to regard us as weak. In those cases where we are dealing with hostile mothers, the tendency to mask can especially be strong.

Solution:

Open up. Do not punish yourself for feelings of weakness. Your children can learn more from you in your authentic weakness than in your masked bravado. Designate a friend or family member as a person with whom you can confide your deepest anxieties. Join a social group or church-based men’s ministry either online or in-person where you can develop some type of solidarity. Allow the words of Dawn Markova to sink into your spirit: I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. Most of all, understand that you are not alone.

Mistake#3

We React Rather Than Respond

This is the bane of single-fatherhood: dads who have reacted out of anger and found themselves on the wrong side of the law. It could happen in seconds; you lose your temper, emotions flair and you say or do something that you later come to regret. This is made all the worse when done in the presence of the child.

Solution:

Respond rather react. Take a deep breath. Calculate your emotional state. Get yourself out of the immediate situation. You are most likely experiencing “flight or fight” emotions. Flight is always better – remove yourself from the situation at all costs. In those cases where you may be facing harm from a third-party (boyfriend or husband of child’s mother), create distance immediately. A sage from long ago said: Life is 10 percent what happens and 90 percent how you respond.

Mistake#4

We Underestimate Our Power

We do not believe in ourselves when the chips are down. We are short on faith and long on unbelief. We feel powerless to make change happen. This often leads to an impaired sense of self-esteem.

Solution:

See yourself as a channel of Divine activity in the work you do in your child’s life. Reconnect to a Power Higher than you. In the end, fatherhood is bigger than us. You are a positive life force simply for being in your child’s life and endeavoring to do the right thing. When you begin to see your life from the child’s perspective, you will never be the same. Adopt the attitude of these words from Seth M. McQuealy: When a man stands at the edge of a precipice or abyss he thinks one of two things: “I can’t or how can I”.

Mistake#5

We Leave Things to Fate – We Don’t Show Up!

This is the worst outcome of the five. We conjure every excuse to explain our lack of courage to do the right thing, to show up. We miss birthdays, we miss sporting events, and we even miss court appearances all because we lack the intestinal fortitude to show up. “I can’t get off work to get to court” is my favorite. If it’s important enough to you, you will make a way to do it.

Solution:

Stop the excuses and determine that you will show up – whatever it takes! Brian Tracy writes: Winners make a habit of manufacturing their own positive expectations in advance of the event.

Be the winner! When you don’t show up, nobody loses but you. Each day you do not show up for a significant event, each day you choose to remain absent, a piece of you – and a piece of that child – dies.

We must focus on becoming better men. Then we will become better fathers.

Staff Writer; W. Eric Croomes

One may also visit his personal website at; http://wericcroomesblog.wordpress.com.

 


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Comments

2 Responses to “The Top Five Mistakes in Thinking Single-Dads Make and What to Do About It.”
  1. Eric says:

    You are absolutely right brother: one person can make it difficult by being conniving and less than honest. But the question remains: what control do you have over such a person. Very little. Maintain your dignity. Do what’s best for the child. Do what you can with what you have and always give your best to the child and you can’t lose. If you have a good relationship with the child(ren), that’s what matters most!

  2. Papacool says:

    As usual all of these suggestions look good while on paper. The reality of the situation is much different as the children are being used as pawns in a game of retaliation between the parents. The mother of my child tried to go behind the scenes and initiate child support proceedings without ever contacting me. So we went through a mediation process where it was determined that I was in arrears about $500 and ordered to pay $56 a week. I accepted the terms without fanfare. As it turned out I was giving her over $800 a month for the child prior to the sit down session, which result in a 75% reduction. So now the mother sent me a email stating that she no longer has her internet service and no way for me to contact her to set up visitation times. Now prior to the sit down session several key facts were omitted from her interview. She failed to note that I had purchased furniture and various amenities that set up the household. I left all of that behind when we parted ways. The morale of my story is that some people are weak cowards that are influenced by other bitter individuals and are led to make poor choices as a result. One parent can indeed make it impossible to be a good parent by being overcontrolling. I am not a fan of the court system as I see a bias in men getting custody versus women firsthand. I did not help my cause as I refused to badmouth my child’s mother in public. All men are not the stereotype males as portrayed by the general public.

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