(ThyBlackMan.com) Today as a veteran family and relationship counselor, mediator and life coach, I see all kinds of things you would not believe – or maybe you would, What I see all too often from African American women (and my next article will speak about men) is the lack of support they provide for the African American man of their choice. If you cannot believe in the man you are with, why are you with him? I have to ask that question because I see the weakest, selfish, materialistic, self-centered excuses on a weekly basis. I see women who want the man to have his act together in order to compensate for the fact that they do not. I see women in relationships for all the wrong reasons. Then, when it blows up in their faces or the man flips the script, many women are quick to say they should never have been with him in the first place, calling him names and condescendingly degrading him. But ladies, that’s the man YOU picked and he was not all those negatives when he was doing what you wanted him to do.
Yes men should show women what we believe in. Yes men should have a plan, a purpose and motivation. Yes men should be strong, not wimpy. Yes a woman needs a man, not a little boy, But the definition of a man comes from God, not from you. Yes men should lead by example, being caring, compassionate and focused. Yes men should be mature and monogamous.
Yes men should be godly or spiritual. Yes men should have a job, a goal or do something other than play Xbox and live at home with parents. But all that being said, the woman should have her act together just as much – including her mouth, her humility and her positive attitude. Fair is fair and if you cannot bring it, you should not require it. Ladies if you do not have your act together, you should not be so hard on the man who does not have his together. And I do not mean just with material things because any knucklehead can get those. Try practicing a kind of “let him or her who is without sin cast the first stone“. Classic Bible stuff. None of us are perfect and growth takes time, especially when there have been setbacks like divorce, illness or incarceration. Why should a man be on your clock when it is God who sets the clock? And you would do well to realize there is a difference between settling and sacrificing to invest in a good man.
A woman who will stand by a man when he has nothing is a woman who deserves to share it all when he has everything. But a woman who is only focused on pulling from the pie now is part of the problem, not part of the solution.
Many of you think you are believing in your man and a lot of you are doing just that. But others of you know you are a nag, you have little or no respect for your man, you are spoiled or you are trying to lead instead of follow. Some of you believe in your man as long as he does what YOU agree with. But you should ask yourself if that is really believing in your man. Some of you want to believe in him but you 
don’t know how. And finally others of you have had so many bad experiences that you struggle with trust issues that prevent you from believing in your man. But the negatives have to change because you are more than likely sabotaging the relationship with your disbelief and negative energy. He may in fact be the problem, but if you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem as well.
If you are waiting on your man to give you all the reasons you should believe in him, you are wanting him to provide the evidence that YOU should be looking for and finding. If you are waiting to be convinced, you don’t already know. YOU have to find reasons to believe in your man, not reasons for disbelief. It is not his job to believe in himself for you. It is his job to believe in himself for himself, first and foremost. And when he does, the ripple effect should reach you. It would be wise to remember that he might be the Rolls Royce, yet you may be required to function as the key.
Many women neither understand nor like the role of being the key because they want the man to have everything ready when they connect with him in the beginning. And I want a bazillion dollars. So to those women I say GROW UP! The world does not revolve around what you want. The world does not revolve around what you think he should be. His purpose and his clock is set by God, not by you. And if he appears not to be listening, you better believe God knows how to get his attention. God wants to pour out a power through you that you have never known – a power that breaks chains, unleashes potential and resets your man’s expectations of greatness within himself. Only then do you deserve to reign with him. So don’t worry about if your man is listening, focus on what you are saying.
When you believe in your man, your actions will show it, the world will know it and God’s power will bestow it. Then, through you, that man will rise to his rightful place.
Remember, Adam was given the instructions – the woman was the helpmeet, given the responsibility to stand by the man’s side and to help him fulfill his purpose given by God. That means your objectives need to take a back seat for a minute, just like Michelle Obama’s objectives took a back seat in order for her husband to become President of the United States. First Lady Michelle Obama, a Harvard and Princeton graduate, an attorney worth over $11 million, a mother and a powerful ally to President Obama. She is extremely smart and wise enough to know that you have to believe in and stand by your man. Before you say “that’s easy for her to do“, you don’t know that. Michelle Obama believed in her man when he was a student, a community activist with no money and a candidate for state senate. She believed in him when she made over $100,000 more than he did. She believed in him when she put her life and her children’s lives on the line as President Obama stepped into the world’s limelight. I have tremendous respect for her and she would probably make a great President.
With your help, your man can accomplish phenomenal things he could not have done alone. Thus it is not good for him to be alone because he was built to fulfill his mission with the woman by his side, not by himself. Ladies take note. I have a phenomenal woman like that and I wish that for every good man or male on the way to becoming one. My wife’s belief in me is rechargeable power, positive energy, transferable doses of backup motivation. She does not have to know more than me or even as much as I may know. She just has to know things that I don’t. Our motto is “We have each other’s back any time, every time, all the time – no matter what“. And I dedicate this article to her. She is far more than the wind beneath my wings because she is one wing when I am the other and together we navigate through storms and over mountains. She is the key in my car, the positive charge in my battery, my motivation when I am running short of it and the flame in my fire. So ladies don’t just do – just be! And if your man fails to appreciate all that you are, know that he was a fool and you were just practicing for the real man God is going to bring to you.
What does it mean to believe in your man? It means you should stand by him. It means watching his back, front and both sides. It means building him up, never tearing him down. It means controlling your mouth and your attitude and keeping your mouth closed when you can’t. It means holding him accountable to great expectations in a peaceful and positive yet powerful manner. It means pushing him gently to do better and rise higher. It means shaping other people’s opinions about him. It means correcting him humbly and in private every single time he needs it. It means encouragement. It means having arms open to hug him, ears open to listen, a mind open to help find solutions and a heart open to care – even when he seems like he doesn’t. Listening to your man is a huge help to him, regardless of how tired you are and even when you disagree with what he is saying. Believing in your man means you must be a compliment to him, not a competitor against him. There are many more elements to believing in your man and I encourage you to add to this list.
God wants to pour out a power through you that you have never known – a power that breaks chains, unleashes potential and resets your man’s expectations of greatness within himself.
If you are a good woman or aspiring to be a good woman, understand your words are power and life. So always speak both power and life over your man. We can see this in the life of Adam, Moses, Abraham and so many others. The love and support of a good woman is priceless and powerful. If you cannot give that of yourself, you are not the woman you say you are. Remember, you may want a king but no king started off as one. A king was first a prince and the transition takes time for him to rise to full status and power. If you see yourself as queen or even a princess of sorts, you know what I am saying is true. A good man is built to respond to the passion, power, humility and belief God wants to pour out through you. And if you do not see your man as worth all that you have to give, why are you with him in the first place?
For copies of my other publications, questions or counseling, email your requests to brainstormonline@yahoo.com and look for my book on relationships, due out this year.
Staff Writer; Marque-Anthony