What’s Wrong With African-American Women?
(ThyBlackMan.com) If you are a “black” woman reading this, one of the first things you may do is to retaliate against the title of this article and ask “what’s wrong with black men”? Or you may predictably say “what’s wrong with black women is black men”. Or some of you may even say “nothing is wrong with me”. And some of you would be right – but others of you are not. Many of you may display your denial by blaming others for your problems, including the men YOU picked. But that’s not the point.
The purpose of this article is to examine what is wrong with the attitudes and behaviors of many (not all) African-American women between the ages of 25 and 45 and to offer solutions that will change lives. I have excluded black females under 25 from this article because they fall into a generation uniquely on the wrong track and that is a group with a whole different set of factors, issues and influences. And in case you are wondering, yes I do the same analysis with men. If you can make it to the end of your article and be honest, it will change your life and take you higher.
African-American women many of you are pushing good African-American men away. Too many of you are condescending, negative and confrontational at the drop of a hat and that is a problem. A great many of you need to breathe – not just to exhale. The next man you date is not responsible for the actions of the last man YOU chose to date. When sister Ali wrote The Black Man’s Guide to Understanding Black Women, it was an eye opener and every African-American woman should read it. Joyce Meyers also wrote a book entitled Me And My Big Mouth and ladies you should read her book as well. If you want a King ladies, you need to exhibit the character, heart and attitude of a queen. And for those of you ladies who prey on African-American men of low or no self-esteem or the men who do not stand up to you, that is simply not right all the way around.
If you won’t even finish reading this article, I may have hit a sore spot which you are not willing to face and you may be proving or illustrating my point. But before you judge this article as untrue or try to think of female friends these points do not relate to, the point here is to address your issues, not to avoid them, explain them away or blame them away. And ten black women you know who do not fit in this box does not mean many of you do not have a problem. As a family and relationship counselor for over 13 years, I have counseled and interviewed thousands of women and the same problems, attitudes and behaviors keep surfacing. That is what prompted me to write this article.
Does this message apply to every one of you? No, but many. Are African-American men perfect? No, especially me. Is any ethnic group perfect? No. But none of these points address the real issue of what’s wrong with the African-American woman. This article is written so the black woman can look in the mirror and to help understand what is going on, why she is angry and why she blames the African-American man for many of her problems. And before you men get ready to point the finger, realize an article is coming about us soon. Finally, just so you know, I came from a balanced two parent household where roles were clearly defined. I was close to both parents and I have several female siblings. I have dated some great black women and I married one. So no I am not a “hater” and you will not be able to use that to disavow this article. The mirror of hearts and attitudes does not lie so when you look in that mirror, what do you see?
BAD ATTITUDES: Many of you ladies are suffering from a damaged psyche or spirit because things didn’t go your way, because many of you were sexually molested when you were younger or because you came to think the world revolved around you, but it doesn’t. Many of you have a damaged psyche or spirit because your fathers were absent, either because he was the irresponsible and absent or your mom was the drama queen who ran him away. You have come to know that mom cannot be the father because she is neither built nor created to be the dad. And without the positive influence of a father, you didn’t have a standard to use in selecting a good man. So you picked like most people do, cluelessly. And you got a lemon. But were you a lemon as well? You constantly search for empowerment because deep inside you feel less than you should. You may even try to look like European or Caucasian women. You define yourself by your looks, your body and what others think about you.
Do you find yourself bitter, always on edge, disgusted with life and trying to quote Bible verses to convince yourself you are OK? The truth is, it’s the life you made, the men you chose and the legs you opened, but that can change. Now you find yourself ready to snap, yelling at the kids and in need of financial or counseling help. So you step out, desire and go for men who are willing to pay your bills, get your hair done and absorb your responsibilities. You are sliding into a material form of prostitution. That is the scenario for a great many of you, not all of you. Oh yes it is.
Some of you have inherited anger from your mother who had a hard time. Others of you have let past bad experiences develop a bad attitude in you. So you carry this baggage to the next guy and punish him for what the last guy did. Many of you have inherited the attitude and spirits of the slave masters of the old south, attitudes that put down black men, controlled black men and expected black men to bow down and do what they were told. When you find a black man who can “flip the script”, you can’t handle it. I hear the negative, ugly condescending words that come out of the mouths of many black women and I hear the “slave master” speaking through them. Think about it. Try googling and reading the Willie Lynche speech to help you understand mindsets programmed into the black woman.
ANGER: I find that many black women are angry and at best, you only know a part of why you are angry. In relationships you got what you wanted but not what you needed, you picked a man based on shallow and superficial things that were guaranteed to change (looks, sex, cars, money, houses). You had to have the bad boy but only to find out the other side of the coin is much worse than the side of the coin you liked and wanted. Maybe you tried to play games and use men but you attracted someone just like you and the player got played. Here is a word to the wise. If you want respect, be respectable and respectful. Dress like a hoochie and you may be treated like one. Talk trash and you may be treated like trash. Treat a man like a dog and he may see you as a female dog – and we all know what that is. But behave as a queen and good men will see you as one. You set the tone from the inside that your outside reflects. Be what you are looking for and you are much more likely to find it – and to deserve it.
Sadly, ladies you are no longer the only prize, the only treasure. The good black man is the prize and much harder to find than a good black woman. So the tables have turned and good black men now know we do not have to earn a woman, we deserve a good one just because of who we are. Good black men are not impressed simply because of a fat booty and a nice weave. What is making some of you black women angry is the loss of power and control over what you once dominated. Good men do not bend over, bow down or back down to women. We are the only one on your list or we remove ourselves from the list. We are no longer settling, nor are we measured by what we have. Our bank account is not your business and our money is not your money, it’s our money. That means it’s that much harder for you to get a good man now, especially since we have a ton of women seeking us from every race or ethnic group. Only the low self-esteem men who have no sense of self or identity are still buying, renting, begging and trying to earn women by paying your bills. Can you handle this truth? And you need to be careful because anger is contagious, thus you are spreading it to your children.
UNSTABLE BEHAVIOR: Many of you have chemical or hormonal imbalances which are causing erratic behavior, personality dysfunctions, erratic mood swings, anger, bad attitudes and keeping you off balance. This could be coming from low levels of iron in your body or lack of dopamine or serotonin in the brain, as well as artificial and deliberate manipulation of your hormones like birth control pills. Your hormones may be out of sink and you find yourself constantly behaving the same way a woman does during her monthly cycle or when she is pregnant. Many of you are suffering from stress with no suitable outlet, bi-polar disorder or borderline personality disorder and you don’t even understand why you act the way you do.
I hypothesize that much of the erratic behavior among black women in the last 5 years is being artificially produced in you because you are a target of the powers that be. I would suggest to you that there are at least 5 elements that were strategically planted to attack your hormones, mind and body chemistry, and thus your behavior. I would also suggest to you that the increase in your irrational behavior, mood swings and bad attitudes is being caused by a combination of the following: (1) the chemicals in your weave and hair care projects, (2) the chemicals in your makeup and cosmetics, (3) the chemicals in feminine hygiene products, (4) the chemicals in birth control and (5) the chemicals and food additives in your diet. Any combination of these could tamper with your estrogen, your progesterone, dopamine and serotonin.
While community and sociological factors like income, environment, relationships and family/upbringing are contributors to the problem of your attitude and behavior, I suggest they are not the major causes of how you act, think or feel. Your thoughts, attitude and actions are being manipulated artificially – and until now, you didn’t even know it. Keep in mind that I acknowledge there are trifling, lazy, sorry, manipulative African-American men who use women. I also acknowledge that so many broken African-American men failing to step up has contributed to role reversals and you being forced into roles you never wanted to occupy. But I would suggest to you that in many cases, they make your problems worse, not cause them. The reason you choose the men you do goes more to the root of the problem.
CONFUSED: Many black women do not know what they want. A good man? An intense sex partner? A man to pay your bills? A man who will do what you want while you do your thing? A father for your children? Your “baby’s daddy” to act as you think he should? A lesbian woman stud? A lesbian woman femme? God to do what you want? A better job? Your kids to act like robots and be quiet all day? A thug? A man of God (as long as you can do as you please and not submit)? Too many of you are very confused and you cannot focus on what’s best for you. Therefore you end up trying to mix things that do not mix and you then have a mess. You need to know what you want, what you need and that you deserve the type of man that you seek.
Here is another reason many of you are confused. Roles are confused in this society and in our culture in particular. Like it or not, when a group leaves God, it goes astray and becomes lost. One thing is certain, no matter who you consider God to be, no religion or sound belief system teaches God is homosexual or lesbian. In fact, such behavior is not condoned by Catholicism, Christianity, Judaism nor Islam, to name a few. Sadly, many of you do not know if you are a woman or a man, if you want a woman or a man or the clear cut divine purpose for either. And saying “Jesus loves everybody” does not mean He loves the deviant behavior everybody follows.
IN DENIAL: Are you are willing to connect with women who agree with you, even when you both are completely wrong? You find yourself making excuses that the problem is everybody else but you. Let you tell it, It’s the job’s fault, the man’s fault, the kid’s fault – anybody’s fault but yours. This is denial at it’s worse and it’s time to look in the mirror. You chose the job, you chose the man, you chose to have kids. So the real problem may be in your ability or lack of ability to make smart choices. And please stop taking advice from anger, bitter, alone or confused women.
Your solutions are not that hard so don’t worry, but they may run deep and they may not happen overnight. They may be psychological, sociological spiritual, medical (biochemical, hormonal) or financial. They could also be a combination of any or all of the above but they can be handled and resolved. You can be happier than you have ever been, full of peace and in the loving, lasting relationship that will change your life. Did I change my tone? Yes because the hardest part is a cold bucket of water in the face to get you to see your problems.
The solutions may be easier than you might think. The first thing you have to do is look in the mirror and stop blaming anyone else. God may be the door to your happiness but you are the key that unlocks the door. The next thing you have to do is identify the real reason you are unhappy or angry and find out the root of the problem. Why are you angry or depressed or bitter? Does it go back to a past relationship? Does it go back to your childhood? Is there someone you need to confront or forgive? Or is it biochemical like depression can often be? Third of all, you need to attack the problems with everything you have within you. Generate a plan and track your progress. Monitor your actions and reactions. Have you made progress from where you were last week? Last month? Last year? I could give you more solutions but my goal is to get you on the right proactive track, not to give you all the answers.
But I will tell you this, your future is up to you. You can therefore make it as bright, powerful, prosperous and passionate as you want it to be. If you are hurt, it’s time to heal. If you have been knocked down, it’s time to rebuild. If you are dead inside, it’s time to feel. If you are in denial, it’s time to get real. You don’t need to keep visiting Woman Thou Art Loosed and crying or throwing up your hands. You are already free and “who the Son sets free is free indeed”. Believe it, act like it, live like it and love like you know. No more living with ghosts of the past who refuse to go away or the hurt little girl you once were. Choose peace, choose happiness, choose love and passion and prosperity. And please remember the only way you will stay in bondage is if you keep yourself and others locked up. Today is a new day and the first day of the rest of your life. You can do it. Good luck.
Staff Writer; Marque-Anthony