(ThyBlackMan.com) I am in Illinois today getting ready to give a speech to the talented young black men of Alpha Phi Alpha. As I prepared my thoughts for these brothers, I began to reflect on friends I’ve had who were just as bright, just as capable, and ready to take on the world. Years later, some of these men are in prison, dead or demoralized after life has kicked them in the a**. Their potential was strong, but no one really took the time to explain how the world works, and how to make good decisions.
My most prominent memory is of a friend who was an NCAA champion athlete who ended up getting 80 years in prison for a poor decision on a drunken Friday night. He was guilty as hell, but I honestly don’t think he would have made this poor decision had he not had a drinking problem. Sometimes good people do bad things, but he could have also been a bad person who did good things. Either way, he wasn’t someone I expected to see spending the rest of his life in prison.
Sex has gotten a lot of men into trouble, from former presidents to CEOs, to men who were otherwise happily married. Most evolutionary biologists will explain that sexual activity is fundamentally important to men, and we crave it our entire lives. But what’s also true is that we live in a society where the inability to either control or harness these powerful instincts can make you into a pariah. Hip-hop music on the radio doesn’t make it
any easier, since it sends a clear message that every black man is supposed to sleep with any pretty girl who throws it at you. But a mature man knows that all that glitters ain’t gold. In fact, it might be poison.
I’m not judging how a person chooses to live their sex life, but here are a few reasons why you might want to think twice about just sleeping around whenever you feel like it. It might be puttig you at risk:
1) STDs are everywhere. Most people don’t tell you that they have them. A lot of people don’t even go to the doctor to get fully tested for all of the STDs that are out there. But most studies show that, in the black community, STD infection rates are through the roof. Some of these diseases can cause you to lose your mind, or even lose your life. You can certain ruin someone else’s life. It’s not a game out here, and you should at least make sure you’re always protected.
2) Unwanted pregnancies suck and leave you broke. Child support courts are a beast to deal with, especially with multiple kids. I made a lot of money over two decades but I never felt rich because I paid so much child support, and that was just for one child! Also, the courts can be mean and disrespectful, especially toward black men. They’ll lock you up for not making payments, but aren’t nearly as helpful when it’s time for you to see your child.
3) Too much drama and the risk of hurting someone you care about. Baby mama drama is horrible as it is, but there’s also the drama that can happen when you’re sleeping with multiple women at one time. It only takes one crazy woman to ruin your life, so don’t go playing with people’s emotions. Yes, things happen, I know that. But tread carefully and be thoughtful about who you let into your life. One prominent writer I know told me about an angry girlfriend who broke into his house and held a gun to his head while he was sleeping. You don’t want to deal with that kind of thing.
4) False rape accusations do occur. Rolling Stone published an article giving one woman’s account of a gang rape that she claimed occurred on campus. They only listened to her side of the story and didn’t want to let the accused men give their side of the story. The university was embarrassed nationally and some young men may have been sent to prison as a result. My point here is that being a black man, it only takes a mere accusation to ruin your life, you don’t actually have to be guilty. You have to be careful, because the allegation is enough to ruin you.
I had a friend in college who got drunk and passed out, as he did on most Friday nights. The next morning, he woke up and found out that a woman had been raped in the other room. When police arrived to the fraternity house, they arrested EVERYONE. When the cops come scooping up black men, they don’t always take the time to sort out the good from the bad. He was lucky enough to have parents who could spend $5,000 on an attorney, most black men are not.
Again, I’m not telling anyone how to live their sex life. But what I am saying is that sex has gotten more men in trouble than nearly anything else. As you use this power, try to use it intelligently and responsibly, because after making that one mistake, you may never get a second chance.
Staff Writer; Dr. Boyce Watkins
Dr. Boyce Watkins is the founder of the Your Black World Coalition. For more information, please visit http://BoyceWatkins.com.