Wednesday, August 16, 2017


30 and Single: Where Have All the Good Women Gone?

September 14, 2014 by  
Filed under News, Opinion, Relationships, Weekly Columns

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(ThyBlackMan.com) The thing about being a single man in your thirties is that you’re hopefully too mentally mature to date women under twenty-five but women over forty, although ideal because of their ability to be straightforward and honest about their wants and needs, may never fully trust that you possess the strength to forego temptations of younger women, and if you don’t have children, the 40-something woman will wonder whether she is setting herself up for future failure.

She’s probably had her children and doesn’t seek to be a mother again at this point of her life. Fair enough. So what’s a man to do? Explore the pool of women in their thirties is the only other option. And this, in my experience, is the stickiest of options of which to choose.

While women’s behavior in their twenties can easily be chalked up to bad choices and inexperience, a woman in her thirties cannot be afforded the same level of understanding. The same for women in their forties who refuse to entertain foolishness from younger men who just don’t fit their lifestyle or future plans.

There are so many types of women in their thirties, one could hardly define all the variations, but in my experience, here are a few:

The 30-something woman who still believes she’s twenty-two; lacks education, and has at least 2-3 kids all under 18, usually by different men. The men she has chosen to have children with aren’t a part of the children’s lives at all. This type more often than not doesn’t have a career, maybe a job, and their dream mate is some combination of Lil’ Wayne’s appearance, Bruh Man’s intelligence, and O.J. Simpson’s career outlook.black-couple-laughing-2014

There’s the 30-something woman that is educated and career centered, but parties HARD every chance she gets. She believes she has to compensate for the “lost years” during her twenties when she was being responsible while her friends were not. This type has usually been married before for a short period and divorced or been in a long-term relationship which spanned 5-7 years. She almost always has at least one child. Dating this type is problematic because despite her formal education and career, she doesn’t possess maturity to go along with it, thus she’s attempting to live out her “second childhood” under the guise of personal liberation.

Then there’s the 30-something female who is thoughtful, funny, and pleasant. She has some education but maybe not a degree. Her most valuable education is the life she’s lived because her mistakes have grounded her in an appreciation of her strengths and weaknesses. She knows who she is and is comfortable being herself. This type generally knows what she wants from a mate and is beyond settling for the thug or the player just because he can make her toes curl. She has a few children, maybe teenagers. She’s either been married before or was in a long-term relationship during her twenties. She has a career.

This type of woman would seem to be a suitable match for the conscientious man in his thirties, considering she lives a balanced life and has endured experiences that have allowed her to know exactly what she wants at this stage. And what does she want?

MARRIAGE.

She wants it bad too. The sooner the better. She doesn’t want to be 40 and single. She’s beginning to wonder what life will be like when her teenage kids move out and start their lives. Marriage is the solution for her. Honestly, this type of woman might indeed make a great wife, but dating her is often filled with pressure, it’s like you’re on the marriage clock from the second she realizes you’re a good catch. Most people don’t operate well under pressure, including most men.

Which brings me to the last type. The 30-something woman who is by all outside indications the perfect catch. She’s educated, with an advanced degree. She has a career that pays well. She’s managed to avoid having children in her twenties which has allowed her to experience more of the world than the average 30-something female. She’s financially responsible and economically stable. She dates regularly, but has been single since earning her Bachelor’s degree six years ago.

Her ideal mate is Barack Obama, but she’ll settle for Trey Songz or Idris Elba. She’s a bit materialistic and superficial, but it’s not overbearing. She wants to get married but ONLY if the man has the same level of education and economic stability (or more) as she does. She’s intelligent, but not deep. Polite, but not sweet. Conceited because of her accomplishments not her looks.

This type of woman at first glance appears as perfect as the mate she desires for herself, but upon closer examination her ambition masks a personal insecurity that drives most men away. The men who stick around often do so just to exploit her in some way, and their exploitation shapes her negative views of men in general, and increases her desire to find the perfect match. Dating an insecure person is like playing Russian roulette, it’s impossible to predict when and how their insecurity will manifest from day-to-day.

Most people who’ve dated someone who was unsure of themselves eventually had to walk away, but not before repeated attempts to prove to the other their loyalty. Which, predictably, became an endless cycle of assurance and reassurance.

As human beings we’re all flawed, men and women. We bring into relationships our past experiences, whether good or bad, and despite our best efforts, these past experiences often determine the success or failure of future romantic relationships. We’ve all made choices we wish we could take back, but that’s not possible, we must live with our decisions while we try to find our own slice of happiness.

I guess I began writing all of this with the intention of having a little fun, but it’s also because at times it can feel as if the game of life is set up for us to fail, especially in the dating game. And while I don’t believe ultimate happiness is to be found in another person, the trials of this life may just be a little easier to bear with a special someone in your corner who has your back. I think this is what most single people want. But as a 30-year old man, this reality remains elusive. 

Staff Writer; Timothy Dwight Smith
 
This talented brother is a nationally published journalist. He may be reached at contracriticnews@gmail.com.
 

 


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