Accountability Straight Ahead, No “Deflection Detour” Allowed!”
(ThyBlackMan.com) Sisters, here are some ways WE can & SHOULD take accountability.
1. RESPECT YOURSELF.
I was speaking to a Sister who told me that they are only a “few” good Black Men left. I asked her by whose standards? Because I know PLENTY of Wonderful Black Men. She then goes on to tell me that she is often a “filler girl”, meaning that she is the woman that men spend time with until they have a girlfriend, and that is why she feels like there are just a few good Black Men left. I was like umm Baby girl, you submitted your resume, filled out the necessary paperwork and have qualified yourself to be the “filler“. Instead of asking where are the good men, ask yourself why are you WILLING to be the in between girl? And I mean literally “in between“! Why are you willing to be the men use to just fill time with, instead of the person that helps fulfill his LIFE? You can’t get upset for interviewing for a position and you get hired. This is reflective of how your see yourself. . The first person you have to fall in love with is YOU. It’s unfair to expect someone to do for you what you won’t do for yourself.
Learn how to be YOUR FIRST LOVE!
2. Self-Analysis (STONGLY RECCOMENDED)
“You abandoned me”
Love don’t live here anymore
Just a vacancy
Love don’t live here anymore”
I know this has been your theme song at some point in your life right? Maybe even in heavy rotation, as you cried and cursed all men for the actions of one, or two or three… it is a scientific fact that two things cannot occupy the same space at the same time. Love cannot and will not enter your heart if bitterness currently resides there. One of the definitions of bitterness is: Difficult or distasteful to accept, admit or bear. One of the hardest things for us to accept as women is that we cause our own pain. We need to start looking in the woman in the mirror because the man is NOT ALWAYS at fault.
When we chose this man, what were our qualifications? Were majority of them materialistically based? How did we present ourselves to him? What did we display? Our behind or our minds? What did we bring into the relationship? How did our actions help to build or destroy the relationship? Was God at the center? Or is what WE desired only at the Center of the relationship? These are the hard questions that we must learn to ask ourselves. I am not saying that the pain or anger that we feel isn’t authentic, but sometimes the pain is self-inflicted. The scariest part of looking in the mirror….is that you’re looking at yourself. In your reflection isn’t that man that you talk about so badly, it’s not your baby daddy that you see….it’s just YOU. It’s hard looking at yourself when you hate what’s looking right back at you.
3. Stop looking for a “retirement plan.”
You know when I hear women say “There are no good Black Men“; I first ask them what makes them a good BLACK WOMAN? And my follow up question is: “what are you looking for in a man“? After I hear the answer, I’m like Sis… you’re not looking for a man you’re looking for a “realtor“, you want someone to just place you in a nice home, but you don’t know anything about turning that home into heaven. You’re not looking for a man, you’re looking for a banker, you want a man to take care of you financially, but you let Miss Betty Crocker do all the cooking in your home.You say you want to have his baby, not because you want to give him an extension of himself, but because in your mind, your child is your financial security blanket in the form of child support checks. We are out here looking for INVESTORS and don’t have anything of value to give in RETURN.
4. Stop having all this free sex!
Sisters, stop treating your wombs like it’s a free for all. The next time you go to the mall and there is a sale, check out the clearance rack. Notice how the items are being rummaged through and picked over, being passed through so many hands, the display becomes disheveled, as the original value is disregarded. Don’t let that be you Sisters. Don’t cheapen the value of your wombs. Don’t allow your wombs to be rummaged by various men. Doing so only causes both physical and emotional damage. You can NEVER be Heaven for a Black Man by being his cheap thrill. After “the thrill is gone”…….so is He! Let’s all keep our wombs off the clearance rack!5. If a man has 3 baby mamas’ stop volunteering to be number 4.
You’d think this one was self-explanatory. Listen if you see a Brother isn’t taking care of his OTHER children or if it appears that way, what makes you think you’d be any different? I remember when the story broke about the Brother in Tennessee having 30 children by 11 women and so many Sisters were asking me why I didn’t post about that story. The underlying attitude was “see Black Men ARE trifling”…..as if this was a good look for the WOMEN. A man wouldn’t have multiple baby mamas if multiple women weren’t VOLUNTEERING to be his “baby mama.”
6. Stop thinking your sex is Kryptonite.
I know you have taken that infamous “Smack it up, flip it, rub it down, oh, no
” verse to a new level. I mean you can do cartwheels; handstands, backflips, you just have all types of tricks in your stash. You just know that your sex is so good, that you can get anything you want from him right? While you do what you do, you’re thinking “yes I’ve got him, I am securing my position as his woman
”, when in reality the “position
” that you’re in is only securing the fact that in that moment, you are giving him PLEASURE. “Pleasure is fleeting” and if you have this mindset….then so are you.7. Memorize the following:
“Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife.” Proverbs 21:19
“Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife” Proverbs 21:9
Stopping her complaints is like trying to stop the wind or trying to hold something with greased hands.” Proverbs 27:16
The LAST thing a man needs or wants to hear when he comes home after a long day of work is his wife’s NAGGING MOUTH.
8. Support vs. Castrate.
Maybe if we understood that the plan is to deconstruct the Black Man, we would build him back up, thus creating a better man. Maybe if we stop looking at him through the eyes of this world, we would see the best in him, instead of the worst. Maybe if we stop telling him he aint Sh***, we will motivate him to be all that he CAN be. Maybe if you took the time to really look at the brother
that might not have all you desire on a materialistic level, you will see that his spirit and heart is beautiful. Maybe if you stop looking down at the garbage men, the janitor, or whatever job you feel is beneath you, you will see that there are good men all around you. If we want the love and support of a Black Man, maybe we should be willing to give it.
9. Understand that ACKNOWLEDGING the condition of the Black Man doesn’t mean you are ABSOLVING him of his duty.
Do we ever take a moment to think about what it must be like to be a Black Man? To have a successful blueprint of separation in place? To have your own women look at you like you are nothing and worthless? To have a generation of daughters born with the mindset that they don’t need you, that you will fail them? To have a generation of broken emasculated sons that have been coddled by their mothers that look nothing like the TRUE warrior that resides in them? To see him completely broken, yearning for a Queen to have the capability to collect the necessary pieces of his heart, mind and spirit to make him whole again. To have the desire and will to provide for his family in a world that attempts to make it impossible. As hard as we have it as Black Women, it will NEVER compare to the trials of a Black Man.
10. Before you tell a man everything he is supposed to be, please making sure you are all a WOMAN should to be.
We like to about what makes a Brother “Husband Material” but how many of us Sisters are “Wife Material“? To be a good wife you must first have a relationship with God. To be a good wife you have to understand the condition of the Black Man,and how we as women have CONTRIBUTED to His condition and that we play a VITAL role regarding changing his condition. You have to truly love and I mean have a sincere love for the Black Man. A good wife encourages and motivates, a good wife is a scientist in her kitchen. A good wife is a nurse, she is a teacher. A good wife is a motivator. A good wife is submissive (to the God in her husband) and is obedient. Yes I said obedient. As women we have these outlandish, unreasonable and unrealistic expectations for men. A good wife trusts her husband leadership because she knows God is leading him. We have these “lists” and some of us don’t reflect the qualities that WE require. So before we are so quick to check men, how about we do a little SELF inventory.
11. Stop playing the blame game!
You know as women we are so used to being each other’s crutch or enabler, we don’t even investigate what is being told to us. Our Sister girl could tell us her how her man (not husband) but man dogged her out, and we won’t even ask questions. We are ready to slash tires and burn his clothes, Angela Basset style in “Waiting to Exhale“. We could be told how her man who by the way is married won’t leave his wife for her, and we start dogging the brother, won’t even blink and think to say oh you’re sleeping with a married man? You know why?
Because playing the victim has become the norm. We are so quick to give our Sister a ride to the child support office to help her get that Brotha that did her wrong, but won’t even acknowledge the wrong SHE did to HERSELF in the choice that SHE made to become a Mother, when she wasn’t anyone’s wife. We are so quick to call the new woman of our ex a “B“, all because she got him to do what you couldn’t which was commit to her, and because you don’t want to look at SELF, you decide to mistreat her, and hold your child hostage from their father. A real friend is going to tell you the truth regardless; a REAL friend will love you too much to lie to you. The problem is that among us as women just love being the victim, and playing the blame game.
12. Be prepared to accept RESPONSIBILITY for your (our) decisions and the CONSEQUENCES that follow.
Reward is defined as: something given or received in return for a deed or service rendered.Now, a woman is supposed be “heaven
” for a man correct? Well don’t have you to put in some work in order to ahem “get into heaven
?” Now days a man doesn’t have to do anything, and I mean absolutely nothing, he doesn’t have to secure us by way of marriage, he doesn’t even have to love us, again he has to put in little to no effort before we open up the pearly gates. Then after we have given him Paradise, we want him to “put in work
” and get upset with him, when he continues to what was originally required of him….which was nothing. Baby girl listen, if NOTHING was required to GET INTO HEAVEN, then NOTHING is required on those return trips either. It’s like feeding your children dessert then wondering why the hell you can’t get them to eat their vegetables.
Chill with the “blue light womb specials”. If you as a woman aren’t able to handle the consequences that may occur after YOU rise up, then I would suggest you stop being so quick to LAY DOWN.
Whenever a statement is made regarding our actions, our behavior, it is ALWAYS deflected back to what the men should be doing. Well what are we doing as WOMEN? Are we that arrogant to claim that Men are 100% of the problem? It’s interesting that I am always told that it takes two, especially if I am speaking on the responsibility of a child, Sisters love telling me it takes two then. However, if I speak on the current condition of the Black Family, then it’s ALL on him. Listen, math is CONSTANT, we can’t shift variables, multiply, add and subtract when we want the spotlight off of us. As women deflection will CONTINUE to be the obstacle that stunts our growth. If “dodging accountability” ever becomes an Olympic category, move over Gabby, we are going to have so many more folks bringing home the GOLD! You haven’t seen a dismount until you see a woman run, flip and dodge accountability!
Staff Writer; Nojma Muhammad
To learn more about this talented sister, feel free to visit; Nojma Reflects