That’s Just My Baby Daddy. : ThyBlackMan.com

Friday, April 25, 2014


That’s Just My Baby Daddy.

August 20, 2012 by  
Filed under Opinion, Relationships, Sista Talk, Weekly Columns

(ThyBlackMan.com) I saw this photo on a friend’s facebook page and I just knew I had to write an article.  I hear women talk about how trifling their baby daddy is, but my question is always but… didn’t YOU choose him? I mean what’s worse, the person who supposedly ain’t shyt or the person CHOOSING to be with the supposedly ain’t shyt person? So let me understand correctly, your baby daddy is trifling because he is irresponsible, so YOU say. Well show me where you acted in a responsible manner. As women since we carry the child, most of the responsibility is on us, and the FIRST act of being responsible is to be wise when choosing who we decide to reproduce.

What were your qualifications based on? His looks? Material possessions? What you THOUGHT he could or would do for you?  Your needs? We as women want a man to exercise discipline and responsibility after what REQUIRES discipline and responsibility has already taken place (sex).
 
We make the conscious decision to lay down with a bum, expect to rise with a well-made man, and then have the audacity to get upset when we rise up with the same bum we laid down with. But wait, what’s worse is that we get livid with the bum!!!! Are we going to be honest about the fact that we didn’t even  let enough time pass to see if the brother was developed in MANHOOD, before we offered our wombs and introduced him to FATHERHOOD? 
When Sisters tell me that men lack discipline because they are out here just making babies and sleeping with various women, and then I am asked where is his discipline, my answer is always “right under the cover with HERS“. So you want me to condemn the REACTION (him sleeping with women) but totally negate the initial ACTION (women giving him access)? That makes no sense. Both parties need to exercise discipline. I mean really. We stand there, look him in the eyes, and slowly and seductively slip our virtue past our waistlines, then convict him because he partook in the seduction.
 
Sisters we have taken on every role except the one God gave to us. Instead of being “Mothers of Civilization“, we’d rather be “Baby Mamas“, instead of being a Goddess or a Queen, we’d rather be your “BITCH”. Instead of being your wife, we’d rather be your “MISTRESS“. Instead of using our wombs for “Cultivation“, we’d rather use it for “MANIPULATION“. We are quick to let you taste what’s between our legs, but SLOW to give you a sample of our MINDS. When we as women tap into OUR Nature, our Divinity, we won’t focus on making his “nature rise” but we will help him “rise into his nature” which is cultivating the God within HIM.
 
 We have a bad habit of trying to pass off our emotions as “logic” and swiftly place the “no good” label on his forehead. What right do I have to label him no good if I was no good to myself FIRST? I am responsible for my decisions, actions and consequences. If I commit a crime, I can’t go before a judge and say but judge those no good men over there made me rob a bank. After it is proven that I acted on my own cognizance guess what? I will be sentenced accordingly. There is a HUGE difference between being forced on your back and willingly lying on your back, I can bear witness to both.
 
Did you know that a synonym for the word “permission” is “empowerment“? So to give a man permission to enter your womb is to give him “power”. So with the power that WE have given him, he can do as he pleases, and if it his choice to exit out of our lives after he is “pleased” then so be it. You can’t give a person power, then get upset because they didn’t execute it in the manner that YOU wanted them to. 
 
Besides the “Independent Woman Syndrome”, and the “Strong Black Woman Syndrome” there is another epidemic running rampant in our community and it’s a little something I call CPS (Careless Procreation Syndrome). 
 
This occurs when we don’t grasp the understanding that our reproductive organs are primarily for REPRODUCTION. We instead turn “procreation” into “recreation”. You’re not laying down with a man because he is your husband and you want to give him an extension of himself, you’re lying down with him because it feels good, or because you think the key to an already broken relationship is a child, or because you yourself don’t fully understand the power of your womb.
 
So after we characterize the man WE chose trifling, and get upset with him for not being responsible our next plan of action or revenge is to go to the child support office. I saw following written in article and I found it interesting and very telling:
 
“Not a single cent is to be allocated to help non-custodial fathers hire attorneys to enforce their visitation orders in court. Not a cent. Mothers who want help collecting child support have a free lawyer to represent them in court – the attorney general of the state she lives in. She’s got all the power of the state plus billions of dollars from the federal government at her beck and call at no cost to her. But the same federal government that spends billions every year in legal fees and administrative costs for custodial mothers, spends not a cent for father who want to see their kids. Most parents who divorce do so without a lawyer. That’s because they can’t afford one. Well, that continues to be true post-divorce, but if Mom wants help with child support, she gets it in spades. Dad? He’s on his own. If Mom prevents him from seeing his kid, it’s up to him to hire a lawyer. Gender equality anyone?”
 
You know why women constantly run to this system? Because it is the only place (outside of the Bitter Mama Ministries Revivals) that a woman is not only REWARDED for HER bad decisions but is encouraged and enabled to make more! This type of madness promotes the “victim syndrome” among women. Why would a woman hold herself accountable if the “system” doesn’t?
 Sisters I keep telling you it’s nice to SAY that you are the Mothers of Civilization but it’s even better to MEAN it and put it into practice. Claim ALL your children. Stop letting CPS make you leave your children unattended, reckless, hating their father, hating you, hating themselves, and most importantly leading them to undervalue the sacred parts of themselves. 
 
So yes…that’s YOUR child’s father. Keyword here is “your”. You chose him for whatever reason. So the next time you talk about how trifling your baby daddy is to your child, be prepared to HONESTLY answer the question “then why did you chose him Mommy?” Be a “woman about yours” and own up to YOUR CHOICE.
 
Maybe one day we can stop referring to men as “my baby daddy” and introduce him as “my husband” and this is our child________. Maybe….one day. 
 
Staff Writer; Nojma Muhammad
 
To learn more about this talented sister, feel free to visit; Nojma Reflects.
 
 
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Comments

17 Responses to “That’s Just My Baby Daddy.”
  1. Yulianna says:

    I hope no one minds Im not black, but my child’s father is. This article has taken me out of denial. Your completely right it was my responsibility, my choice. We were engaged but too fast I believe and he lead a double life (NOT CHEATING) but he was an alcoholic..once i found out I left and became crazy judgmental about him. Thank you for helping me snap out of it

  2. malaika says:

    I know I’m a little late to this post but I get so tired of people acting “holier than thou”. Towards single mothers. Especially when they’re black. I’m an unwed 18 yr old black female. I was not in love with my babys father when I decided to have sex with him and I’m not in love with him now. We both were irresponsible but when I found out I was pregnant I made it my business to take care of my child. It doesn’t matter if the parents are together or not, if the mother can man-up and take care of her responsibilities then why isn’t the father held to that same standard. People expect black women to be the pillar of strength and that shit gets tiring. I know I may not have made the best choice in deciding who to procreate with but if the nigga ain’t shit then he ain’t shit and sometimes single mothers need to vent. We’re not superwoman. We’re mothers just trying to do what’s best for our children

  3. sankofa says:

    Tyrone…Adeyinka, step away from the computer then come back and re-read the article. Perhaps your being blinded by the familiar narrative of the worthless male is clouding your comprehension of what sister is saying. If a woman lays down with a trifling man, she cannot and should not be upset that he is trifling. Likewise making the system her baby daddy in support and enforcement of her revenge filled heart, does not excuse her own lack of discipline and INITIAL act of giving sex before marriage or even getting to know the male. Actually more female already knows the man is trifling or fails to get to know him but gives up the sex in HOPES that it will mold him into the fantasy she may have. This is a case of putting the cart (sex) before the horse(marriage, knowing the character of the man).

    On a side note, how many of you remember the high school girl who accused the young man of rape in California? Her mother and her sued the school board and got 1.5 million dollars and the youth spent six years in Jail despite a lack of evidence. Well it turned out he was innocent after she contacted him on facebook wanting to be his friend. During a proceeding conversation on the phone she confessed that she had lied about it, but wanted them to be friends. Of course he taped the conversation and this was what got him exonerated.

    How many people know that this female had two children with two different men,one five years old…yes, she had a child shortly after crying rape and sending an innocent man to jail. Her and her mother blew the 1.5 mil in three years and she went on welfare and remains on it till this day.

    Yet this woman is on the internet garnering support from others who enable the same behaviour sister talks about constantly. Yet our community cant seem to see the wrong of the female…only the males.

    Perhaps if both youth were not “making out” under the stair well at school, something would not have displeased her to call rape and started the journey of pain and suffering and take both to the place they are now.

    this is what sister is talking about being responsible. Obviously her mother didn’t teach her the value of valuing her womb, nor did he.

  4. Ramses says:

    TRUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! COULDN’T HAVE SAID IT BETTER

  5. Niecey Gee says:

    YES!

  6. J Realist says:

    Wow! This article should be passed along to everyone. Great read, very thought provoking!

  7. edud02 says:

    While men need to be responsible for their behavior and any children born of that behavior, men being men is nothing new. Two thousand years ago mother were telling their daughters the SAME thing most tell their daughters today, “keep your legs closed”. What has changed is the social structure we live under. Men, across ALL socio-economic areas, are taught by society to find and marry the “good girl” while at the SAME time being free to sleep around, or at the least, have a “sweetheart” on the side. Those females on the “side” are viewed by society and men as being “less than” the “good girl”. Someone to be used for his pleasure and disregarded until the next time. While men are viewed as DOGS for their behavior, the TRUTH is, men have been doing the SAME thing for hundreds of years. What has changed is the so-called freedom women now have to express their sexuality(Not so free after all). The hope of “sexing” FIRST and “hooking” him does not usually work because, mentally, they have already been cast in the “bad girl” catagory. Because male nature and behavior has NOT changed in thousands of years, females MUST make different choises and decisions about the kind of man they desire BEFORE sex. Afterward, it’s too late.

  8. edud02 says:

    Good article!!!

  9. Steph says:

    Thanks Terrance for the kind words you wrote about Black women. We don’t hear this often in many venues: the media, etc.

  10. This is a great article. When we stop following behind other people by doing what they’re doing and go back to our traditional values and start working together, we will finally stop having these problems in our community. The Black woman is the most amazing being on this planet. She is the first teacher, but if she allows herself to think on a lower level of the physical first rather then the mental, we will fail as a people.

    Black Unity means financial independence and happiness

  11. Tyrone says:

    The initial action is not allowing him to enter her, but two people coming to that agreement to have sex together. A woman is no more responsible than the man.

    I actually agree that women need to be careful and take responsibility for their part. But we also need to encourage men to be more responsible as well.

    And we need to stop putting women on this pedestal as the gate keepers only to tear them down for being human the way that you do in your post.

    Please please show some compassion, some understanding… something

  12. John says:

    The American system is designed to make sure that Black men can’t make it. My jaw dropped today when I read that 70% of students in Howard University are females.

  13. Nojma says:

    Peace Queen Natalie!!!! Love you Sis!

  14. Nojma says:

    @Adeyinka where in my article did I excuse men from responsibility?

  15. natalie says:

    another gem sista! thank you.

  16. natalie says:

    just three of over fifty articles recently bringing the conversation into the mainstream. There is a growing chorus of men and women on both sides of the aisle that reject the current model of rights versus responsibility regarding reproduction. We strive for equality and that personal liberties are restored and antiquated laws replaced.. Its coming but we stay in the “hood” echo chamber reinforcing the same failed ideology that people are beginning to rekject.

    http://wtvr.com/2012/03/08/why-do-only-women-have-reproductive-rights-choice/

    http://www.glennsacks.com/30_years_after.htm
    http://www.thomas-purcell.com/2012/05/on-child-support-and-abortion.html

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vp8tToFv-bA&feature=related

    and then there were the feminist that stood up in opposition to the development of the male birth control pill at the WHO conference on reproductive rights..Trust me the word is getting out regarding the disadvantage that men have in the discsussion of reproductive choices. Our community will be left behind and blindsided once again because we are uninformed and do not have a clue regarding the cultural shifts and subsequent policies/movments that are taking place.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JymN5yu-K_o

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ZAuqkqxk9A

    Ro v wade essentially established that inthe event of an unwanted pregnancy that a woman could not be “forced” into motherhood. As long as this reality of “choice” exist for women the argument will eventually be successfully be argued that men can no longer be held to a different standard of expectation as it relates to reproductive rights.

  17. Adeyinka says:

    I understand your pov in this article, but that in no way excuses a man from his responsibilities. Yes there is irresponsibility on both parties, but also responsibility on the same two parties. Perhaps the ” dead beat” is called such names because of his conscious decision to continue to assume no responsibility even after the irresponsible mother has stepped up to the plate for the sake of the human life at stake.

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