He Doesn’t Need Your Permission. : ThyBlackMan

Saturday, April 21, 2018

He Doesn’t Need Your Permission.

July 9, 2012 by  
Filed under News, Opinion, Sista Talk, Weekly Columns

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(ThyBlackMan.com) Whenever a woman says “I let a man be a man” that shows she “thinks” she has the capability or authority to allow him to be otherwise. FYI you can’t “let” a real man “be” anything other than what he ALREADY IS. While we are on the subject of “real“, a real man will never be dominated by a woman, and a “real” woman desires a man who takes RIGHTEOUS control. As women the only male dominance we have is over our sons; and even that is limited.

Do you know what skorts are? They look like a dress, but are really shorts or long pants in some cases. They are deceptive because they give the ILLUSION of a dress. This is what a lot of us as women want to seem to wear in our relationships. We want the dress and the pants. We want you to be a man when it is convenient……kinda like when it’s time for the bills to be paid. Then we  showcase the skirt. But when it comes to running the house, or being submissive, then we showcase the pants.

We put the pants on to speak to you in a harsh and disrespectful tone, and when you’re reaction is to speak to us in the same manner that we JUST spoke to you, we quickly jump in the skirt and say “How dare you talk to a female like that?” Listen you can’t be BOTH the Man and the Woman, then complain when your man isn’t acting “like a man should” when you are the one emerged in all types of confusion!

We get so caught up in trying to tell a man what his role is, all the while not knowing what OUR role is. Instead of telling a man to know HIS role, let’s try KNOWING, LOVING, EMBRACING and MASTERING OUR role. You want a man to MAINTAIN his home, give him a home WORTHY of MAINTAINING. You want the man to “take the lead“, well make sure you are willing to FOLLOW him! You want him to be the “head of the household“, then don’t buck his authority when he exercises it. While you’re listing all the things he “must bring to the table”, make sure there is a HOME COOKED MEAL waiting for him, when he sits down. You want the type of man that will risk his life in order to protect yours, then BE that type of woman.

Sisters kill me with this “I want a REAL man” when and if a REAL man came into your life; you wouldn’t know what to do with him! What is your definition of a REAL man anyway, and are you a REAL woman? Yes you are “real” because you can be physically seen, but how is REAL is your spirit? How REAL is your patience? How REAL is your understanding? How REAL is your commitment/knowledge regarding being a “help meet“? Are you REALLY judging a man on his character or his wallet? How REAL are your nurturing skills? How REAL is your ability to console him? How REAL is your understanding regarding the trials of Black Men?

As the saying goes “real recognizes real” so if you don’t have a “real” man in your life, maybe it is because he recognized that you lacked a certificate of authenticity!
I mean on one hand it is “I am women hear me roar, I’ve got my own, I’ve got this degree and this degree” but you can’t discern when a man isn’t good for you? All that education you boast of has rendered you helpless? You just don’t know how your clothes got on the floor, not once, not twice but NUMEROUS times. And you just KNEW that the key to commitment was having that man’s baby, I mean because it makes sense (insert sarcasm), I mean continuing to have sex with him didn’t make him commit, but having his baby, will instantly upgrade you from pleasure releaser to wife. What?*gasp* THAT DIDN’T WORK? (Insert sarcasm again)

All these women that tell men to man up need to WOMAN UP! A REAL woman knows that is HYPOCRITICAL and UNJUST to place ALL the blame on a man. It’s easy to follow a fool imitating “manhood” when you’re being foolish and are imitating “womanhood“. A lot of the responses I get are rooted in emotion because I remove the “Innocence Veil” because we as Women aren’t innocent.  We indulge and participate in lies, manipulation, and playing the automatically dispensed victim card. Black Women want credit for all the good in our community, but shun the so called bad, even though we gave birth to them all. We treat Black Men like they are stepsons we wish didn’t inherit from a marriage; we birth them; then shun them.
We don’t like for men to define us right? So what gives us the right to define THEM? Why is it that we get “valid reasons” to justify our madness, but with him it’s “excuses“? Let me tell you something, an overbearing, loud mouth, uncouth, unkempt, children ill mannered, dirty house, rebellious, anything you can do I can do better can’t cook won’t cook woman is NOT the business. If you always find yourself explaining to a Brother all that you “think” you are, but everything you say falls on deaf ears, it is because he sees everything you ARE NOT. Stop telling a man everything he “should” be and work on BECOMING the WOMAN God made you to be. Get in your lane and STAY in that mug!

Staff Writer; Nojma Muhammad
To learn more about this talented sister, feel free to visit; Nojma Reflects.


27 Responses to “He Doesn’t Need Your Permission.”
  1. Marque-Anthony says:


  2. Marque-Anthony says:

    The Bible says wives submit to your husbands that if they obey not the word, they may be won over by the conversation of the wife. Did you hear that? It’s not just following the man when he is obeying God, it’s even when he “obeys not the word”. Why? Because if the woman lines up in obedience to God, the man is the only one God has to step up and fix, correct or punish.

    Somebody has to obey God and the person who is wise enough to do so is the person who does not have to be dealt with or chastened. God gave the man his authority, not the court and not the woman. And only god can take that authority away. Ideally the woman should follow the wise and caring man who is the leader by example, not the ruler by ego.

    If you do not want to submit to your husband, you have a problem with God and you willfully refuse to obey what He said. That will get you as much into hot water as the disobedient, lazy, disrespectful or abusive man. If you feel the man is not worth submitting to, why did you marry him or why are you with him?

    A husband is to love his wife as Christ loves the church and gave himself for it. Thus men have to be willing to die for our wives. So it comes out pretty balanced.

  3. Marque-Anthony says:

    Absolutely excellent article. I write for this site and I am a published author, family and relationship counselor and professional speaker. Every so often I run across an article I wish I had written and this one is it. Your article is to the point and I am just as direct with men as you are with women. I appreciate and respect your honesty to tell it like it is. Keep it up please. READ SOME OF MY ARTICLES ON THIS SITE. If you would like me to share some with you, email me at brainstormonline@yahoo.com

  4. enrico says:

    preach pls continue to give this type of unbiased real advice. i really appreciate it, at last I’ve found my thoughts and present battles in my relationship clarified in this article. thanks it was a breath of fresh air and clarity good to know i am not alone. happy new year

  5. ChuChu says:

    The average woman dates with her eyes shut. She knows all the questions she should ask a man on a date, but settles for the information that he volunteers. She overhears comments he makes to other people that contradict things he’s said in the past, but will front as if she didn’t hear anything. When a girl does ask a serious question, they rarely follow up, not because they don’t want to know, but because they’re afraid to know too much. The majority of females would rather fall in love under the rules of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, because history has proven that too good to be true guys are often revealed to be full of shit under cross examination. Why test a man you know will fail, when ignorance feels so fucking blissful? By the time a woman enters into a legit relationship with a non-vetted man she’s so accustomed to ignoring “the small things” that even the brightest of red flags is filed as just a misunderstanding. Nine out of ten women are currently in relationships with men they don’t trust. Poll these chicks and they will tell you how trust is the most important thing they need to get into a relationship, but they refuse to practice what they preach. When faced with a man that’s good on paper but suspicious in his actions, women keep their mouths closed. A girl will keep her hand raised when questioning her friend’s man, but when it comes to her own it’s, “I give him his space…” Why are you so fucking hypocritical and weak? He has a career and doesn’t live with his mother, therefore you aren’t going to ask him anything too annoying or digging because it took you two years to find someone like that. He doesn’t have any kids and knows how to date like a gentlemen, so you aren’t going to question inconsistencies in his behavior because you don’t want to go back to dating men with Baby Mamas. Men today aren’t held accountable. They are in the habit of telling women what they feel like telling them, and most women actually listen when they are told “mind your business.” I often hear basic bitches say, “I didn’t ask because he told me that he doesn’t like girls who ask a lot of questions.” Why would a man say that, ladies? He’s training your dumb ass to accept your role.Again, women aren’t stupid, they have amazing intuition, but they swallow shit and call it pudding in order to appease and keep a man who doesn’t want to be exposed emotionally. Every woman reading this has the right to ask questions, to point out suspect behavior, and to hold a man accountable when his words ring hollow. So the question is why do too many women sacrifice trust, in order to attain love?

  6. Deeann D. Mathews says:

    I was thinking of this article today because I was talking to a sista who has some situations going on… a whole family, parents, kids, and grandkids, in which nobody knows for sure who’s supposed to be running things, and the women have taken control because they feel they have no other alternative… but are pretty much closed to the idea that they need to find a way to help and encourage the men to take up more of the load (as if men can somehow get better in a vacuum; if if somehow they weren’t human, needing help, support, and positive reinforcement from the people closest to them just like everyone else). I find myself thinking, “How did we get here?” In this year I have watched two entire Black families disintegrate when their beloved matriarchs (ages 87 and 90) died… insufficient legacy was passed on and put into the younger ones. And I have watched a young Black man who is deeply concerned for the younger people around him, who works hard and does all the things we want our sons and brothers to do, be absolutely persecuted and belittled by a bunch of older Black sistas who see him as a “threat” to their positions, none of whom want to give an inch in their spheres for him to learn new skills and assume leadership. I just find myself in contemplation of the DEEP state of confusion we are now in… the old gender roles may not have been perfect, but what we have now is sheer madness, because “matriarchy” is not cutting it either.

    Men don’t need our permission, true… but they do need our acknowledgement of the unique role only they can play in the future of our coming generations, and our corresponding respectful action in terms of support and wilingness to follow when they do lead. Our sons also need us to get them around the men that are leading, and also to be willing to move out of some positions so that they can learn how to lead — leading effectively is something that requires some OJT. If we do not do this, we are going to be fully responsible, along with the men who are not doing their part, for the destruction of Black people in this country’s future — our children, our grandchildren.

  7. Kelly Robinson says:

    I absolutely LOVE THIS ARTICLE and I am woman. I have been saying this for decades; but then again I am a Southern Woman so we are raised by a different standard. I remember hearing Michael Baisden saying on his radio show, “Ladies will you LET us lead?” I was screaming at the radio, “I EXPECT YOU TO LEAD!”

  8. Jinn says:

    This article’s description of a “real man” just echoes the same old patriarchtical nonsense I’ve heard over and over, and frankly I tired of hearing it. I have NO DESIRE to “dominate men” or be above anybody in any way, but I’m just so TURNED OFF by all these gender roles, and it makes me so weary of entering a relationship because I feel like doing so automatically qualifies me as a second class citizen. I don’t want a man to have “RIGHTOUS control” (what the hell is that anyway) over my mind/body/soul. That just makes me uneasy. All this “stay in your lane/take the lead/head of household” bull makes relationships seem well…..like ugly battlefeilds. You want women to “learn her place” and don’t instruct a man about his. OK. How about these so called worthy men stop expecting these sentiments in a relationship just because one partner is born with a vagina and the other a penis and strive to be the most GENUINE human beings they can be, and vice versa with women. I have no desire to be a “help meet/servant” or “follow” behind another individual who was not with me in my journey from the womb and will not accompany me in my departure from this world. I can be a fantastic counselor, nurturer, best friend, lover, and burden bearer, but how can one express authentic love in such a….strict and forced enviornment? Women should’nt prescribe roles and expectations to INDIVIDUALS, and neither should men, for we are individuals, each with our own varying and unique circunstances and situations. Tired of these pointless and aged gender roles. Times always change, and so should we.

  9. Mack says:

    Standing ovation…

  10. Felicia says:

    I agree with this article 100% for those REAL MEN that exist, And I know they do. However lately there is a shortage of men that are willing or even know how to take over the role of a REAL MAN!!! There are way too many men that are content and even seek women tht will provide for them but feel they should be worthy to be called the man of the house. Call it like it is, some of our brothers need to step it up and start treating their ladies like queens & providing for their fam, tht is if they expect to be the king & treated as such. Trust some deadbeat dad or womanizer/abuser is reading this article with his chest stuck out and feeling tht this applies to them.

  11. Deeann D. Mathews says:

    My grandmother always said, “Don’t worry about finding a good man; concentrate on being a good woman.” Timeless wisdom. The thing is, most of us are impatient… even in the day of Solomon, a time we consider much less corrupted than our own (although a quick read of the Bible would show that humans are humans, messing up in every generation), Solomon said that the price of a virtuous woman was far above rubies. Not every man can pay that… and not every woman is willing to go through God’s mining, cutting, and polishing processes to be worth it to a man who is willing to pay that price. We want the prize without the effort… and that’s what gets us into so much trouble.

  12. Nojma says:

    @Moon Child, I’m not the type to place anyone or an entire group in a box, the article is for the women that only exhibit this specific type of behavior and mindset.

  13. Jah says:

    Shoot this phone. Alot of women let soo much go on before they put their foot down sometimes Men dont even realized they have been given chances. I am just voicing my opinion. Love men hwlp them too much. But I dont think its one gender. We are two sides of the same coin. Treat each other good

  14. Jah says:

    Sorry on phone. We as older people may not understand how we have shaped time. Its all evolution. The food and bad. Men want women to act a certain way only when they feel theyre in need. Women the same when ur happy everything rolls off. Soon as somerhing changes. Man loses job. Woman is working. The dynamic changes. Now needs are different. Soon as it is not going in a certain favor or way now the tension rises. Ahe now isnt cooking. The man haa to do some of the other duries. Now he dont fwel like a man? Why cause he may have to cook. uh he has not stop being a man. He ia now a man who cooks. She is not trying to wear the pants. She is a woman working. If that woman stayed at home while this same man lost this job. Especially if its over a monrh or two. Now she wants to see results. If we push u. We are nagging. If we let u stay at home we will get on each others nerve cause u the man now want attention that is due to others. Again now they feel inadequate and decide another woman will give thwm what they need and not hassle them. So again both Genders need work. But I am a woman who allows a man to be and lead until he ahows me he cant. Thats wn I kick in. but if I have to conrinue to atroke his ego to get him to be a man. Somerhing is things So thumbs up to th ose who get it righrqrong. Plus alot of qomen dont badger them unril they have exhausted themselves teying ro twll and show them

  15. Jah says:

    Although great post. Eloquently written. I believe both genders have work to do. Also people. The dynamics of relationships have changed. Evolution both genders are required to be employed. It seems I read alot about as long as a woman keeps house and feed and sex them they are men. They are Men when they go to work. They are men when a woman do not interject. They are Men onlt if we allow them to be. Uh wake up. U are men because u are men the validation needed today is really tripped out. The dynamics have changed. What was done before u cant do anymore. And if ur worried about the qomen of today. I guess u must look at their moms and dad. Kids are watching and learning based on their parents and what they learn. Media plays apart. It goes back to who is teuly educating folks. Wvolution. What was swxy back iE the 60s is funley today. We asolder peop

  16. Moon Child says:

    Although your article made sense to a large extent. It puts all black women in the same category and that too me is folly. Not ALL black women think and act such is this. However, I think it’s a very well written.

  17. A Newby Sr says:

    I am curious how many men and women read this, and how many took it to heart. I believe this article to be true and enjoyed the change in perspective.
    Also I agree with you Q, funny how there are no comments.

  18. Ms. Lee says:

    I totally agree……A lot of women should read your article.

  19. Nojma says:

    Peace Beautiful People! Just wanted to let you know that I appreciate all the feedback on this article, I have to say that Nature Sargent pretty much summed it up by saying or typing”Oh, and there are not lots of comments because a whole lot of women who read this don’t think this article is about them. That’s how it is in life.” I find this statement to be true.

    @Q I am often asked via email why don’t I write more articles about the flaws and faults of Black Man…there are PLENTY of sites, books, articles, groups, Sister Circles and conference calls already dedicated to that. The question that I always ask in return is “What good would it be or how productive would it be for me to tell the Brothers to get their-selves together, and when they do, we as women are still in the same dysfunctional mindset? I never get an answer lol. I don’t get my Steve Harvey on at all, my articles and messages focuses on what I am; a Woman. I don’t need to tell a man what to do, how to act, because once we as Women get ourselves together, Brothers will follow suit.

    @Natalie….peace Sis! It’s always nice to see your comments 🙂

    Peace to all!

  20. April says:

    I love this! And I won’t dispute….I actually had to check myself. Nice article

  21. Nature Sargent says:

    I agree in our community many women come to this place of understanding late in life. However, with age comes wisdom if you pay attention to life. I have been blessed not to have some of the life changing, traumatizing events I’ve witnessed because as a witness to another persons trauma, I learned.
    I also have a wise mother who raised me to be a blessing to as many people as possible.
    I think women in our community do have a brokenness as it relates to how we treat all people. Have we not seen and heard, “I don’t have women friends, they’re too messy.”. These same women have no men either.
    When our people become trusting and behave in a trustworthy manner we will have authentic and respectful relationships and whole families.
    Right now, we have pockets of excellence. We need to continue educating the young about their personal worth and potential and teach them to plan their future. This will prevent much heartbreak and decrease criminal and immoral enterprise which rarely lead to fruitful futures.
    We all need to be productive and positive, we need to speak truth in love and we need to stay in our lane. Even me. Just because I make every effort to be encouraging doesn’t mean I don’t need to Hush sometimes.
    Oh, and there are not lots of comments because a whole lot of women who read this don’t think this article is about them. That’s how it is in life.

    Peace, all.

  22. Anthony says:

    It had to be said…now put it on a broadcast loop…for those who missed it the first time…all jokes aside, you lay out the truth that can set free a large part of the community…if we collectivelt take responsibility…THX!

  23. oktoenvy says:

    THANK YOU! Very well said! I am sure this piece will step on more than a few toes.
    There are many men out there doing what they are supposed to do for themselves, their families, their church and their communities. Yet, we find ways to criticize even that. Yes, the brother man be working two part time jobs to put food on the table but he is still putting food on the table.
    Let’s not get so wrapped up in being liberated that we negate our primary purpose…to be a helpmate.
    Even as single women, there are still ways in which to be of help to a black man. Let’s start with acknowledging what he is doing right. A lot of sisters wonder why our men are always running the streets… Why should he stay at home to get verbally, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and even physically beat up? He gets enough of that from the world.
    Thanks again for reminding women that our God given purpose is to help, not hurt, our men.

  24. 3rd I says:

    @Q: I was sayinv the same thing. LMMFAO!

  25. natalie says:

    Couldnt agree with u more q! Excellent article sista

  26. naturally says:

    The only time I have ever heard or used the phrase “Let A man Be A Man” was in reference to women who smother men. Who who are over protective, too nurturing to the point where theyare semi-controlling. But to no fault; this is what they witnessed growing up. We are, naturally creatures of habit. I think the “WOMAN UP” statement, applies to very few women, those who are young and ignorant of relationships by expereince. Most woman will naturally “Woman Up”. They even have to MAN UP sometimes whether they want to or not.

  27. Q says:

    I love how there are no comments on this column. If it were an article on how black men needed to step their game up there would be no end to the women cosigning on how it is the gospel truth. As a black man I love this article. It made my day.

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