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8 Mistakes; Some Black Men make when choosing a mate…

September 1, 2011 by  
Filed under Misc., News, Opinion, Weekly Columns

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( Men who have wonderful women in their lives will tell you–there is nothing more satisfying than having a great partner by your side.

For some single guys, choosing the right woman can be a struggle. There are thousands of good women out there, but some men consistently pick incompatible mates.

If you’re one of those men, here are eight common mistakes men make when selecting a potential wife:

1. The Beauty Queen – This may seem totally off the wall, but you should think twice about choosing the pretty girl based on her stellar physical attributes.  We all love beautiful women, but a glamourous face won’t keep a marriage strong. Men are extremely visual creatures and we sometimes fail to explore other important traits when selecting partners. If she’s a stunner–great. But don’t neglect the most important qualities she has. If beauty is all she’s got, she’s not the one.

2. The Fun Girl – That’s right. Choosing a woman because she’s fun and outgoing is not the smartest decision. The reason is because men ultimately want women who are nurturers, comforters and caretakers. We search for female companions who we feel will become good mothers and wives. The exciting chick is entertaining to be around, but will she be the woman you can come home to? If she’s a fun-loving woman who possesses a sensuous mix of excitement, intelligence, and responsibility–she’s golden. But if she’s always up for fun and nothing else, your long-term dreams may be short lived.

3. Not Knowing Yourself – As a mature man, you know yourself and exactly what you want in a woman. But if your self-image is distorted, you may choose an incompatible woman and jump into a relationship, or even marriage, too soon. Men who are not established in their careers, or secure in their finances, often choose women they believe will make them whole. This is a potentially disastrous since resentment is sometimes levied against your mate for failing to “complete” you. If you’re still in the “I’m not sure what I want to do with my life.” stage, starting a long-term relationship may add to your confusion.

4. Moving Too Fast – Yes–there is a speed limit when it comes to getting to know a woman. On occasion, you might meet a woman who’s quick out of the gates, but this is usually behavior exhibited by men. There may be several reasons why men do this:

1) Fear of losing their mate;

2) Unhealthy view of self;

3) Emotionally dependent or distraught.

When we (men) find a good thing, we generally apply the clamps early. However, an emotionally secure man prepares himself for a relationship by being confident when making decisions about a perspective mate. He doesn’t allow her existence (and the fact that he really wants her) to disrupt his flow. Rather, he pursues her and reacts as her interest in him grows.

5. Not Knowing Her – Getting to know your future wife is vital to compatibility and long-term success. It sounds cliché, but becoming good friends is one of the most important steps you can take when getting to know her.

Many couples stay together because it’s convenient, or they learn to make things work. But some of these couples lack affection for one another and just go through the motions. These aren’t good friends.

In order to build a solid bond, you have to learn as much as possible about your sweetie. Men should never be afraid of asking questions and receiving the answers. The whole truth about your potential significant other will help you determine whether you have a teammate, or an adversary.

6. Mama’s Boy – While choosing a mate because she’s fun isn’t recommended, picking a woman because she washes your socks isn’t smart either. Many women like taking care of their husbands, but they seldom enjoy picking up after a needy grown up.

Some men love domesticated women and search for mates who will cook, clean and take care of them. (Just in case you haven’t noticed, we are well into the 21st century and women would much rather share in these responsibilities.)

Even though there are plenty of women willing to look after your well-being, don’t expect it. You will be better off with a mature, level-headed woman who possesses great mother, wife and caretaker instincts. Babysitting not included.

7. Ignoring the Obvious – We’ve all done it. You find a woman who’s smart, pretty, and loves you like a rock. Sadly, blaring incompatibilities will destroy any chances of long-term success. You know this very early on, but you pursue her anyway.

Chasing a woman with personality flaws, character issues, or other incompatibilities will cause some of the biggest headaches imaginable. You may eventually resent her for not being the total package and it’s not her fault. Before wasting months or years in a stagnant relationship, recognize the deal-breaker incompatibilities and ask yourself: “Am I willing to tolerate these differences for the rest of my life?”

If your initial answer is “no,” rest assured that her beauty, sexual compatibility, and large sums of money will not overshadow the dissimilarities.

8. Easily Rattled – Relationships are challenging. It is important for men to remember that all reltionships–even healthy marriages–have difficulties. Neither person is perfect and both will change over time.

As a willing partner in a relationship, you must learn to manage unexpected situations and not jump ship every time trouble comes knocking. Confidence and stability are attractive to women, but they are also required to maintain the rough patches you will encounter.

Communication is often the solution to many relationship issues and the same holds true here.




2 Responses to “8 Mistakes; Some Black Men make when choosing a mate…”
  1. Steph says:

    I like this sentence in this article: “Confidence and stability are attractive to women”. It is so true, I always have been relunctant to date a divorced man with several kids. It is scary to me because I question his stability in a relationship.

  2. Steph says:

    Nice article!

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